Barbara Millicent Roberts, AKA... Barbie (squibbait)
((Note: I know that technically, what with all of her appearances in various movies/books/video games, Barbie could be considered a playable character. However, ‘my’ Barbie is a full-sized version of the doll itself, with memories from all of her various incarnations. Yes, even the mermaid. Yes, this makes her the biggest Mary Sue ever to walk the planet. Have fun!))
A woman with the shiniest hair imaginable entered the Sorting Room, glittering blue eyes scanning her environment. She was carrying two large suitcases, which she put down in front of her, and then she giggled a little. Her face, beautiful though it was, had a distinct plastic look to it and her measurements were... well, impossible. She was five foot six inches tall, with long and perfectly shaped legs that she perkily tripped around on, balancing on pretty, pink high heels. Her body (with 33 inch hips, an 18 inch waist, and a whopping 39 inch bust) was encased in a very tight, pink mini dress, and she was smiling, hugely and vapidly, at the world at large.
“Hi!!” gushed Barbie happily, automatically adding an extra exclamation point for good measure. “Oh gosh!! Let’s be best friends!!”
Writing was never Barbie’s thing. Despite the fact that she had apparently been an astronaut at some point, some things were hard. Therefore she answered the questions out loud, with a Dictaquill to catch every word that came over her lips.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
“Oh, um, that’s really difficult.” Barbie blinked and then exclaimed brightly, “I don’t really eat cheese!! It goes to your hips!!”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Gleam, gleam, sparkle, sparkle. “Barney is my best friend!! He’s like everyone’s best friend!! He’s so nice, even though he isn’t pink, but I guess purple can be totally stylish depending on how you accessorize. That big green tummy of his is just so not in right now, though.” She rolled her eyes. “Like, I have to have a talk with his people. He should totally start being pink!! It never goes out of style!!”
3. What time is it where you are?
Gosh, here was another tough one. Barbie batted her eyelashes. “Think pink!!” That was a really good answer. More people should totally answer like that.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
“My boyfriend’s name is Ken!!” proclaimed Barbie proudly. “He’s the guy of my dreams and we’re going to get married!! I think it’s so sad that my wedding dress can’t be pink, but I still want to be all traditional. But I have a lot of really gorgeous dresses to choose from!!” Her eyes widened hopefully and she bounced a bit, clapping her hands together. “Oh gosh!! We should totally go shopping, and then we can have a pizza party and talk about boys!!” Getting slightly off-topic? What makes you say that?
The Dictaquill prodded her to make her actually answer the question, and Barbie blinked at it stupidly before she caught on. “Oh!!” She giggled, covering her mouth with her impossibly slender fingers to stifle it. “I don’t know!!”
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
“I can make, like, the best drinks ever!!” boasted Barbie. “Pink champagne is like my favourite because it’s pink, and I usually put umbrellas in the glasses because it’s so much fun, and then I have some of those glow-in-the-dark plastic sticks, and some fruit and two straws that are both pink!!” She took a deep breath. “I’d call it something like Dream Castle. Or Dream House!! And I’d have my friends there all the time and we’d have such great parties!! And you’re invited!!”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
World mythologies? No problem. “Once when I was a mermaid,” babbled Barbie cheerfully, very much ignoring how utterly ridiculous that sentence sounded, “I totally had the same problem!! It was like, I was out swimming with my best friend Bubbles the Seahorse, and I saw these two really pretty seashells and I wanted them both so much!! Like, they were so shiny and pretty!! So I asked Bubbles, in the special, magical Seahorse language that I know, what he thought about it. And he was all clever. You know what he said?” Her lovely features lit up in a bright smile. “He said I could have them both if I wanted!! So I think Harry should have them both, if they’re pretty!!”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Barbie smiled politely. “I’m really smart,” she said finally, for no particular reason. “Um. Get a bigger desk. A pink one!!”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Useless? Barbie? The NERVE of some people. “I have been a veterinarian and a doctor, and a teacher, and a firefighter, and a diplomat, and a tennis star, and a sorceress, and a princess, and an astronaut, and a bride, and a rock star, and the President of the United States...” She went on for a few more minutes, listing every single occupation she had ever had until the Dictaquill presumably had enough and prodded her again. Barbie blinked prettily at it and then added in a sulky voice, “So don’t tell me I’m useless!! It’s mean!!”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
...Now we’re talking. Barbie brightened immediately and clapped her hands together again in utter, utter delight. “Oh, I have tons of stuff,” she gushed excitedly. “I have all my pets!! I have like... a lot.”
At least around forty or so, actually. Everything from dogs and cats to horses and even a panda. Granted, most of them had something pink about their person, like a bow or, in the case of the horses, their entire gear, but that could be easily fixed. A few of the aforementioned pets were already poking their adorable little faces into the room. Barbie beamed at them.
“There they are!! I could like, introduce them, but it’d take ages.” She giggled vapidly.
“Okay, and then there are the clothes. I have lots of those too!! I can give you some and we can be best friends!!” To prove this she picked up a shimmering pink ballgown an held it out in front of her, twirling a little. “Isn’t it just gorgeous? You can have it if you want.”
After she was done with that, Barbie picked up a large catalogue with pictures of various vehicles, like convertibles, jeeps, and trailers. They were mostly pink. “These are all mine!! You can pick one and then you can have it!!”
Was she done? No way. Barbie had a lot of crap. As she spoke, she began to take things out of her suitcases, placing them everywhere in the room. “I have some jewellery, my own perfume brand, a sparkly wand that I just had lying around, combs, mirrors, shoes, hats, gloves, socks...” She waved at a couple more suitcases in the corner. “They’re all in there and you can just look around to see if you find anything.”
She sat down on a pink stool and crossed her legs, with some difficulty. Then she giggled. “Oh, and I can be your best friend, too!! Come on, we’ll have SO much fun!!”
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____Barbie_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____Barbie_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___Barbie________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____Barbie___"
A woman with the shiniest hair imaginable entered the Sorting Room, glittering blue eyes scanning her environment. She was carrying two large suitcases, which she put down in front of her, and then she giggled a little. Her face, beautiful though it was, had a distinct plastic look to it and her measurements were... well, impossible. She was five foot six inches tall, with long and perfectly shaped legs that she perkily tripped around on, balancing on pretty, pink high heels. Her body (with 33 inch hips, an 18 inch waist, and a whopping 39 inch bust) was encased in a very tight, pink mini dress, and she was smiling, hugely and vapidly, at the world at large.
“Hi!!” gushed Barbie happily, automatically adding an extra exclamation point for good measure. “Oh gosh!! Let’s be best friends!!”
Writing was never Barbie’s thing. Despite the fact that she had apparently been an astronaut at some point, some things were hard. Therefore she answered the questions out loud, with a Dictaquill to catch every word that came over her lips.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
“Oh, um, that’s really difficult.” Barbie blinked and then exclaimed brightly, “I don’t really eat cheese!! It goes to your hips!!”
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Gleam, gleam, sparkle, sparkle. “Barney is my best friend!! He’s like everyone’s best friend!! He’s so nice, even though he isn’t pink, but I guess purple can be totally stylish depending on how you accessorize. That big green tummy of his is just so not in right now, though.” She rolled her eyes. “Like, I have to have a talk with his people. He should totally start being pink!! It never goes out of style!!”
3. What time is it where you are?
Gosh, here was another tough one. Barbie batted her eyelashes. “Think pink!!” That was a really good answer. More people should totally answer like that.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
“My boyfriend’s name is Ken!!” proclaimed Barbie proudly. “He’s the guy of my dreams and we’re going to get married!! I think it’s so sad that my wedding dress can’t be pink, but I still want to be all traditional. But I have a lot of really gorgeous dresses to choose from!!” Her eyes widened hopefully and she bounced a bit, clapping her hands together. “Oh gosh!! We should totally go shopping, and then we can have a pizza party and talk about boys!!” Getting slightly off-topic? What makes you say that?
The Dictaquill prodded her to make her actually answer the question, and Barbie blinked at it stupidly before she caught on. “Oh!!” She giggled, covering her mouth with her impossibly slender fingers to stifle it. “I don’t know!!”
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
“I can make, like, the best drinks ever!!” boasted Barbie. “Pink champagne is like my favourite because it’s pink, and I usually put umbrellas in the glasses because it’s so much fun, and then I have some of those glow-in-the-dark plastic sticks, and some fruit and two straws that are both pink!!” She took a deep breath. “I’d call it something like Dream Castle. Or Dream House!! And I’d have my friends there all the time and we’d have such great parties!! And you’re invited!!”
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
World mythologies? No problem. “Once when I was a mermaid,” babbled Barbie cheerfully, very much ignoring how utterly ridiculous that sentence sounded, “I totally had the same problem!! It was like, I was out swimming with my best friend Bubbles the Seahorse, and I saw these two really pretty seashells and I wanted them both so much!! Like, they were so shiny and pretty!! So I asked Bubbles, in the special, magical Seahorse language that I know, what he thought about it. And he was all clever. You know what he said?” Her lovely features lit up in a bright smile. “He said I could have them both if I wanted!! So I think Harry should have them both, if they’re pretty!!”
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Barbie smiled politely. “I’m really smart,” she said finally, for no particular reason. “Um. Get a bigger desk. A pink one!!”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Useless? Barbie? The NERVE of some people. “I have been a veterinarian and a doctor, and a teacher, and a firefighter, and a diplomat, and a tennis star, and a sorceress, and a princess, and an astronaut, and a bride, and a rock star, and the President of the United States...” She went on for a few more minutes, listing every single occupation she had ever had until the Dictaquill presumably had enough and prodded her again. Barbie blinked prettily at it and then added in a sulky voice, “So don’t tell me I’m useless!! It’s mean!!”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
...Now we’re talking. Barbie brightened immediately and clapped her hands together again in utter, utter delight. “Oh, I have tons of stuff,” she gushed excitedly. “I have all my pets!! I have like... a lot.”
At least around forty or so, actually. Everything from dogs and cats to horses and even a panda. Granted, most of them had something pink about their person, like a bow or, in the case of the horses, their entire gear, but that could be easily fixed. A few of the aforementioned pets were already poking their adorable little faces into the room. Barbie beamed at them.
“There they are!! I could like, introduce them, but it’d take ages.” She giggled vapidly.
“Okay, and then there are the clothes. I have lots of those too!! I can give you some and we can be best friends!!” To prove this she picked up a shimmering pink ballgown an held it out in front of her, twirling a little. “Isn’t it just gorgeous? You can have it if you want.”
After she was done with that, Barbie picked up a large catalogue with pictures of various vehicles, like convertibles, jeeps, and trailers. They were mostly pink. “These are all mine!! You can pick one and then you can have it!!”
Was she done? No way. Barbie had a lot of crap. As she spoke, she began to take things out of her suitcases, placing them everywhere in the room. “I have some jewellery, my own perfume brand, a sparkly wand that I just had lying around, combs, mirrors, shoes, hats, gloves, socks...” She waved at a couple more suitcases in the corner. “They’re all in there and you can just look around to see if you find anything.”
She sat down on a pink stool and crossed her legs, with some difficulty. Then she giggled. “Oh, and I can be your best friend, too!! Come on, we’ll have SO much fun!!”
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____Barbie_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____Barbie_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___Barbie________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____Barbie___"