Application for Nick Andros, The Stand (Novel by Stephen King)
A dark-haired young man wearing a flannel shirt and a slightly dazed expression walks slowly into the Sorting Room, not seeming to notice anything around him for a long moment. But presently his gaze sharpens, and he studies the room with an intent expression before his eyes alight on the pen and parchment laid out on a table before him.
One potential problem solved, he sighs silently in relief as he moves forward to scoop them both up. Noticing, however, that the paper was actually a questionnaire, his brow furrows for a moment while he reads to himself. His eyebrows raise at some of the questions, and at one or two he grimaces. Oh for God's sake...
I never figured on Heaven or Hell having an entrance exam. But if there is a Heaven or Hell, why the hell not?
Briskly, but with impeccably neat handwriting, he fills out the application.
((Italics are Nick's thoughts. Everything else is what's written on the page.))
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
My soul is to be judged based on my preference for particular dairy products?
I haven't had real cheese in a long time,. Cheese from a can. Cheese Whiz. Velveeta. Cheese-flavored crackers. All manner of not-real-cheese product has been my fine dining. Before it all went bad, I liked Swiss, though, on a big juicy hamburger, with mushrooms.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
This must be Hell, then. Or a very obvious trick question in Heaven.
Who are these people? I would as soon not kill anyone. I have killed before, because it was him or me. He deserved it, but I wouldn't do it again unless I had no choice.
3. What time is it where you are?
My watch says 8:25 PM, but it seems to be stuck there. Does time matter here? I was under the impression that it didn't.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
This can't be serious. Maybe I'm not really dead, this isn't the afterlife and I'm actually floating in a happy drugged coma at the hospital, and Dick's shaking his head gravely over my condition right this very moment. Yeah. Hopefully he doesn't mistake me for a puppy in need of euthanizing. That sounds more likely than death. Oh, who am I kidding?
I don't need to sexually harass anyone. Like Rudy says, God gives the deaf-mute man an extra two inches below the belt to compensate for what He took from up above.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Bartending in the dark sounds dangerous, especially for someone like me. I've been nearly blinded before, and it was bad news. I guess I'd call it Zack's Place, though. That's the last place I was when things were normal, or at least as normal as they get for me. I never thought I'd be nostalgic for the cesspool roadhouse in Shoyo, Arkansas, but there it is.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
I don't really know any mythology. It's not something covered in the correspondence courses I've taken. I hoped to take some classes about stuff like that when I got to college, but plans changed. But what does marriage mean anyway? In the Free Zone folks just started living with who they wanted, all without benefit of the clergy. Seemed a whole lot simpler.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Glen would say that society breeds bureaucracy, or something equally pessimistic, but he'd be right. Paperwork doesn't occur in a vacuum, though it does sometimes feel that way. You might constantly dispose of it, but there's always more coming in. Every time you solve a problem, ten more rise up to take its place, and apparently you're responsible for all of them. Even after God's own apocalypse, paperwork endured. Ralph wore the hell out of that printer, anyway.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Okay, so it isn't the cheese that proves my soul's worth. I have to state my worth in an essay exam. At least it's not an oral presentation, right? Ha ha fucking ha.
Has anyone ever told you that it's difficult to prove a negative? Fine. I can honestly say I've never been a burden on anyone. I've been on my own since I was sixteen, and I never stole or cheated or lied - except about my age, alright - I just worked honestly to get by. I take care of my responsibilities. For some reason, people looked to me to be a leader on the trip to Nebraska, and Mother Abigail seemed to agree that I was the right person for the job - then and after. If you believe, as most folks did, that she spoke for God, that's gotta be one heck of a recommendation.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I didn't even come here with my damned pen and notebook. My pockets are...yes...empty. Perfect. Even the afterlife is shady.
I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer of substance. I suppose I could do some chores for you. I don't look like much, I know, but I can chop wood, mend fence, paint, bale hay, or whatever else you need to be done. It's how I've earned my keep most of the past 6 years, and I suppose it will do now, as well.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. NA.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. NA.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. NA.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. NA."
One potential problem solved, he sighs silently in relief as he moves forward to scoop them both up. Noticing, however, that the paper was actually a questionnaire, his brow furrows for a moment while he reads to himself. His eyebrows raise at some of the questions, and at one or two he grimaces. Oh for God's sake...
I never figured on Heaven or Hell having an entrance exam. But if there is a Heaven or Hell, why the hell not?
Briskly, but with impeccably neat handwriting, he fills out the application.
((Italics are Nick's thoughts. Everything else is what's written on the page.))
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
My soul is to be judged based on my preference for particular dairy products?
I haven't had real cheese in a long time,. Cheese from a can. Cheese Whiz. Velveeta. Cheese-flavored crackers. All manner of not-real-cheese product has been my fine dining. Before it all went bad, I liked Swiss, though, on a big juicy hamburger, with mushrooms.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
This must be Hell, then. Or a very obvious trick question in Heaven.
Who are these people? I would as soon not kill anyone. I have killed before, because it was him or me. He deserved it, but I wouldn't do it again unless I had no choice.
3. What time is it where you are?
My watch says 8:25 PM, but it seems to be stuck there. Does time matter here? I was under the impression that it didn't.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
This can't be serious. Maybe I'm not really dead, this isn't the afterlife and I'm actually floating in a happy drugged coma at the hospital, and Dick's shaking his head gravely over my condition right this very moment. Yeah. Hopefully he doesn't mistake me for a puppy in need of euthanizing. That sounds more likely than death. Oh, who am I kidding?
I don't need to sexually harass anyone. Like Rudy says, God gives the deaf-mute man an extra two inches below the belt to compensate for what He took from up above.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Bartending in the dark sounds dangerous, especially for someone like me. I've been nearly blinded before, and it was bad news. I guess I'd call it Zack's Place, though. That's the last place I was when things were normal, or at least as normal as they get for me. I never thought I'd be nostalgic for the cesspool roadhouse in Shoyo, Arkansas, but there it is.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
I don't really know any mythology. It's not something covered in the correspondence courses I've taken. I hoped to take some classes about stuff like that when I got to college, but plans changed. But what does marriage mean anyway? In the Free Zone folks just started living with who they wanted, all without benefit of the clergy. Seemed a whole lot simpler.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Glen would say that society breeds bureaucracy, or something equally pessimistic, but he'd be right. Paperwork doesn't occur in a vacuum, though it does sometimes feel that way. You might constantly dispose of it, but there's always more coming in. Every time you solve a problem, ten more rise up to take its place, and apparently you're responsible for all of them. Even after God's own apocalypse, paperwork endured. Ralph wore the hell out of that printer, anyway.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Okay, so it isn't the cheese that proves my soul's worth. I have to state my worth in an essay exam. At least it's not an oral presentation, right? Ha ha fucking ha.
Has anyone ever told you that it's difficult to prove a negative? Fine. I can honestly say I've never been a burden on anyone. I've been on my own since I was sixteen, and I never stole or cheated or lied - except about my age, alright - I just worked honestly to get by. I take care of my responsibilities. For some reason, people looked to me to be a leader on the trip to Nebraska, and Mother Abigail seemed to agree that I was the right person for the job - then and after. If you believe, as most folks did, that she spoke for God, that's gotta be one heck of a recommendation.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I didn't even come here with my damned pen and notebook. My pockets are...yes...empty. Perfect. Even the afterlife is shady.
I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer of substance. I suppose I could do some chores for you. I don't look like much, I know, but I can chop wood, mend fence, paint, bale hay, or whatever else you need to be done. It's how I've earned my keep most of the past 6 years, and I suppose it will do now, as well.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. NA.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. NA.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. NA.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. NA."