Magrat Garlick, Discworld
((I'm taking Magrat from the very end of Witches Abroad, mostly because that's my favorite of the Witch books and because it has KUNG FU MAGRAT woo-cha!. Sooo... yep. Magrat before she marries Verence and all that. Feel free to recognize her as the queen of Lancre, she'll just be very confused!))
A worried-looking young woman with wild, frizzy hair opens the door to the sorting hall and walks inside, then comes to a dead halt once she realizes that she isn't where she thought she'd be. She looks around the hall for a second, eyes wide, and quickly ducks out of the room and into the hallway. A few minutes later she walks back inside. "... Nanny? Granny? Are either of you there?"
No answer. This definitely isn't the inn...
"... Bugger."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Um... There was this thin, melty cheese that they dribbled over stuff in one of the little restaurants on the way to Genua. I don't remember what it was called, but I liked it much better than Lancre Blue."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Magrat pales. "Witches don't kill people. They just... they don't. That's worse than wicked, it's going straight into cackling territory. And besides… if either of them were attacking me or trying to rob me or something, I could defend myself. I’ve been taking lessons." She rustles around in her satchel for a second and pulls out a small, shabbily made booklet. The words ‘Grand Master Lobsang Dibbler’ and ‘Path of the Scorpion’ are just visible on the cover. "I’m on chapter four- that’s the bit with the cosmic harmony death kicks."
3. What time is it where you are?
"Nearly sunset, last I remember." She raises an eyebrow. "Aren't we in the same room, though?"
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"…Pardon?" Magrat goes completely red once the question fully sinks in. "Oh! You mean... pinching bottoms and such? I’ve never heard of ghosts doing that."
There is a long, awkward silence. Magrat doesn't stop blushing. If anything, the awkward silence only makes her blush more.
"Anyway," she coughs, trying in vain to regain her composure, "it takes huge amounts of effort for a ghost to do anything tangible. He’d have to be extremely focused on, um, pinching bottoms in order to get anywhere.
"… Can we please move on to the next question?"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Could it could be a little restaurant instead, like in Genua? Anyway, I'd call it... The Elephant. We'd serve healthy food, none of that greasy stuff that plays havoc with your intestines, and maybe some of those bananananana dakkery drinks that Nanny liked."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Who says he has to get married at all? I expect Harry has his own life that he'd like to get on with, and he shouldn't feel bound by the limitations of stereotypical gender roles."
And then the gender of the bride finally kicks in. "Er... wait..."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Are you reading any of it? If you aren’t, then you could be throwing out all sorts of important things without realizing. Then the people who are giving you the papers start giving you the same papers over again, and it turns into a vicious circle. If you're having trouble, you could try setting up a filing system with index cards and alphabetization and everything, like Goodie Whemper did maysherestinpeace."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
This question has hit a nerve. Magrat looks as if she's just been slapped. After a few seconds, the embarrassment and shock turn into something else, and she glares straight ahead with enough force to peel paint off walls. "I’m good with herbs and doctoring. Ask anyone. Besides that, I helped put the king of Lancre on the throne, and... I was a fairy godmother once. For a little while." She goes quiet and starts muttering something about 'bloody pumpkins'
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
"Bribery?" This application gets stranger with every question. "Er... I suppose I could give self-defense lessons, or help with research and notes, if you need it. I still have some of Desiderata's notebooks left back at the cottage. Then there's the doctoring..."
Magrat trails off, sighs, shakes her head, and dumps the contents of her satchel onto a nearby desk. A small avalanche of cheap occult jewelry comes spilling out: pendants, necklaces, amulets, bangles, bracelets, rings, and even a few cheap looking ceremonial knives with mystic runes carved deep into the handles. There’s also a breadknife, which Magrat quickly pockets.
"Take what you like. I’m keeping the breadknife, though."
"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______MG______
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____MG______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____MG______.
One day, marmalade Greebo will rule the world. _____MG________"
A worried-looking young woman with wild, frizzy hair opens the door to the sorting hall and walks inside, then comes to a dead halt once she realizes that she isn't where she thought she'd be. She looks around the hall for a second, eyes wide, and quickly ducks out of the room and into the hallway. A few minutes later she walks back inside. "... Nanny? Granny? Are either of you there?"
No answer. This definitely isn't the inn...
"... Bugger."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Um... There was this thin, melty cheese that they dribbled over stuff in one of the little restaurants on the way to Genua. I don't remember what it was called, but I liked it much better than Lancre Blue."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Magrat pales. "Witches don't kill people. They just... they don't. That's worse than wicked, it's going straight into cackling territory. And besides… if either of them were attacking me or trying to rob me or something, I could defend myself. I’ve been taking lessons." She rustles around in her satchel for a second and pulls out a small, shabbily made booklet. The words ‘Grand Master Lobsang Dibbler’ and ‘Path of the Scorpion’ are just visible on the cover. "I’m on chapter four- that’s the bit with the cosmic harmony death kicks."
3. What time is it where you are?
"Nearly sunset, last I remember." She raises an eyebrow. "Aren't we in the same room, though?"
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"…Pardon?" Magrat goes completely red once the question fully sinks in. "Oh! You mean... pinching bottoms and such? I’ve never heard of ghosts doing that."
There is a long, awkward silence. Magrat doesn't stop blushing. If anything, the awkward silence only makes her blush more.
"Anyway," she coughs, trying in vain to regain her composure, "it takes huge amounts of effort for a ghost to do anything tangible. He’d have to be extremely focused on, um, pinching bottoms in order to get anywhere.
"… Can we please move on to the next question?"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Could it could be a little restaurant instead, like in Genua? Anyway, I'd call it... The Elephant. We'd serve healthy food, none of that greasy stuff that plays havoc with your intestines, and maybe some of those bananananana dakkery drinks that Nanny liked."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Who says he has to get married at all? I expect Harry has his own life that he'd like to get on with, and he shouldn't feel bound by the limitations of stereotypical gender roles."
And then the gender of the bride finally kicks in. "Er... wait..."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“Are you reading any of it? If you aren’t, then you could be throwing out all sorts of important things without realizing. Then the people who are giving you the papers start giving you the same papers over again, and it turns into a vicious circle. If you're having trouble, you could try setting up a filing system with index cards and alphabetization and everything, like Goodie Whemper did maysherestinpeace."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
This question has hit a nerve. Magrat looks as if she's just been slapped. After a few seconds, the embarrassment and shock turn into something else, and she glares straight ahead with enough force to peel paint off walls. "I’m good with herbs and doctoring. Ask anyone. Besides that, I helped put the king of Lancre on the throne, and... I was a fairy godmother once. For a little while." She goes quiet and starts muttering something about 'bloody pumpkins'
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
"Bribery?" This application gets stranger with every question. "Er... I suppose I could give self-defense lessons, or help with research and notes, if you need it. I still have some of Desiderata's notebooks left back at the cottage. Then there's the doctoring..."
Magrat trails off, sighs, shakes her head, and dumps the contents of her satchel onto a nearby desk. A small avalanche of cheap occult jewelry comes spilling out: pendants, necklaces, amulets, bangles, bracelets, rings, and even a few cheap looking ceremonial knives with mystic runes carved deep into the handles. There’s also a breadknife, which Magrat quickly pockets.
"Take what you like. I’m keeping the breadknife, though."
"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______MG______
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____MG______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____MG______.
One day, marmalade Greebo will rule the world. _____MG________"