((Because it's been too long since we've had utter nonsense of the sort in the Herald))
Squibbles:
Horrible Catastrophe or Act of Terrorism?
By: Nora S. O'Malley
Roberto Casal, you know, the Death Eater that's been all over the news lately, appeared to have come quietly when he was arrested in Hogsmeade, but that's only because he had the most devious of plans up his sleeves. My sources tell me that while he was in hiding, he was living with Muggles and studying up on "bylojikle warfare", which is where Muggles send diseases, such as rabies, to each other through Owl Post.
Squibbles was a very common disease in the 1200s. It was so common, in fact, that the year 1213 was noted in the record book as the Official Year of the Squibbles and every year on December 13th, there are a cult of people who celebrate that year and the thousands of people affected. These Squibbites, as they are known, are secret supporters of You-Know-Who, who were devastated when he was defeated by our very own Boy Who Lived. Therefore, when they were approached by Casal with the idea of bylojikle warfare, they were very willing to help him in any way they can, including allowing him to take some of the Squibbles virus they've been preserving for hundreds of years in a secret location just outside of Bristol.
Being locked up in a shrine so long must have made the virus a bit cranky, despite the yearly tributes it receives (as everyone who knows anything about wizarding viruses as opposed to their Muggle counterparts knows, they have thoughts and feelings of their own), and that's why it's attacking Hogwarts with such fervor. Generally, it only affects those who are unworthy to do magic, but this strain is so violent, even some of the best of us, including yours truly, have succumbed.
Quite fortunately, Squibbles is neither fatal nor with any permanent debilitating side effects, for which we are all grateful. Also, recent investigations made in the Department of Mysteries show that chocolate speeds up recovery, so anyone who would like to donate and help us poor victims get better should feel to start up a collection. We would all be very grateful.
Horrible Catastrophe or Act of Terrorism?
By: Nora S. O'Malley
Roberto Casal, you know, the Death Eater that's been all over the news lately, appeared to have come quietly when he was arrested in Hogsmeade, but that's only because he had the most devious of plans up his sleeves. My sources tell me that while he was in hiding, he was living with Muggles and studying up on "bylojikle warfare", which is where Muggles send diseases, such as rabies, to each other through Owl Post.
Squibbles was a very common disease in the 1200s. It was so common, in fact, that the year 1213 was noted in the record book as the Official Year of the Squibbles and every year on December 13th, there are a cult of people who celebrate that year and the thousands of people affected. These Squibbites, as they are known, are secret supporters of You-Know-Who, who were devastated when he was defeated by our very own Boy Who Lived. Therefore, when they were approached by Casal with the idea of bylojikle warfare, they were very willing to help him in any way they can, including allowing him to take some of the Squibbles virus they've been preserving for hundreds of years in a secret location just outside of Bristol.
Being locked up in a shrine so long must have made the virus a bit cranky, despite the yearly tributes it receives (as everyone who knows anything about wizarding viruses as opposed to their Muggle counterparts knows, they have thoughts and feelings of their own), and that's why it's attacking Hogwarts with such fervor. Generally, it only affects those who are unworthy to do magic, but this strain is so violent, even some of the best of us, including yours truly, have succumbed.
Quite fortunately, Squibbles is neither fatal nor with any permanent debilitating side effects, for which we are all grateful. Also, recent investigations made in the Department of Mysteries show that chocolate speeds up recovery, so anyone who would like to donate and help us poor victims get better should feel to start up a collection. We would all be very grateful.