The Eulogy of a Dream I Once Had
I'm glad that we got to talk. I'm glad that after all this time this is how it ends. I'm glad that instead of talking about our feelings we're just not going to talk anymore. I wasn't angry that you'd rather be with him. I wasn't angry that you love him and not me. In fact I was hoping that you two would get back together because the more I thought about it the more that he seemed like the right choice and I seemed like the wrong one. I've always been your friend and I was more than happy to go back to that, but instead all I get is silence. I'm pretty sure that I pushed you away and I'm sorry for that...I did not want to hurt you again. I've done enough of that in the past. Everything happens for a reason. These past few weeks happened to show that you and I could not be together after all and that you were meant to be with him. I know that it hurts that he's not ready, but just give it time...be patient. You once wrote in your journal:
"things seem to be looking up now though
i just have to wait
time is of the essence"
I know now that all the entries about things getting better and its just a matter of time had nothing to do with you getting over Kyle and staying with me. It was about Kyle starting to come to his senses and realizing that he has the love of a great woman and that he should not let that go. I do care for you Cate...a lot and I understand that this is what you truly want and I really hope you get it because you really do deserve the best. I just wish that I could be the one to give it to you.
I'm not angry and it would be a lie to tell you that I wasn't at least a little sad. The only thing that disappoints me is that we couldn't talk to each other about this. I don't want to hurt you and at the same time I don't want to be hurt and I know that if we kept going on with this relationship that's how it would end up. It would end with you at a fork in a road where kyle was one way and I was the other and I know that that is a choice that you wouldn't want to face especially if you did start to have feelings for me. I have no regrets and I wouldn't take any of it back at all. The only real hurt I feel is that you won't talk to me about it, but that's fine...if that's what you want. I just want you to know that if you ever do want to talk someday I will be here, but if you don't then I guess that's what you want.
I want to make it abundently clear that I DO STILL WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I just don't know what to think anymore. I mean you call me and ask me if I'm mad...I say no and you say you'll call me later, but that's obviously not happening. You once told me that you didn't want me to disappear....I wonder if cutting someone out of your life is the same as them disappearing.
I know that its a lot to take in and that might be why you aren't talking to me, but everything I just wrote poured out of my heart and into my fingers and got put on here.
I can't keep doing this. I know that you don't want to be with me now...I see it in your eyes everytime I look at them and I hear it in your voice when I talk to you on the phone. I'm like the kid that keeps calling, but you don't want to talk to him, but you don't want to hurt his feelings either so you just humor him till he goes away. This may make you hate me and it may make you not want to talk to me, but at least I can live with the fact that I told you everything that I feel.
I don't think that you are a bad person for any of this and I want you to know that and this is the last time I'll bother you about anything. Basically I'm trying to tell you that I'll stop calling and leaving voicemails, I'll stop sending text messages and I'll stop IMing you and leaving you comments. I will leave you alone. If you want to talk to me you know where and how to find me...until I know otherwise I'm just going to assume I got it right and come to terms with it. If I'm wrong and you want to tell me you know where I am.
I'm not mad at you or anyone. I want you to know that. Please don't read this and then think that I don't think highly of you cause you know that'll be bullshit. Don't read this and think it was all a lie cause that's bullshit too. And definately don't read this and think that I never want to speak with you again. I figure that if and when you're ready you'll call.
I'm sorry for everything bad I did and I wish you the best of luck in all things. If I don't hear from you then have a great life and may you get everything that you want. I hope that this isn't good-bye Cate, but if it is I want you to know that I'll miss you.
"things seem to be looking up now though
i just have to wait
time is of the essence"
I know now that all the entries about things getting better and its just a matter of time had nothing to do with you getting over Kyle and staying with me. It was about Kyle starting to come to his senses and realizing that he has the love of a great woman and that he should not let that go. I do care for you Cate...a lot and I understand that this is what you truly want and I really hope you get it because you really do deserve the best. I just wish that I could be the one to give it to you.
I'm not angry and it would be a lie to tell you that I wasn't at least a little sad. The only thing that disappoints me is that we couldn't talk to each other about this. I don't want to hurt you and at the same time I don't want to be hurt and I know that if we kept going on with this relationship that's how it would end up. It would end with you at a fork in a road where kyle was one way and I was the other and I know that that is a choice that you wouldn't want to face especially if you did start to have feelings for me. I have no regrets and I wouldn't take any of it back at all. The only real hurt I feel is that you won't talk to me about it, but that's fine...if that's what you want. I just want you to know that if you ever do want to talk someday I will be here, but if you don't then I guess that's what you want.
I want to make it abundently clear that I DO STILL WANT TO TALK TO YOU. I just don't know what to think anymore. I mean you call me and ask me if I'm mad...I say no and you say you'll call me later, but that's obviously not happening. You once told me that you didn't want me to disappear....I wonder if cutting someone out of your life is the same as them disappearing.
I know that its a lot to take in and that might be why you aren't talking to me, but everything I just wrote poured out of my heart and into my fingers and got put on here.
I can't keep doing this. I know that you don't want to be with me now...I see it in your eyes everytime I look at them and I hear it in your voice when I talk to you on the phone. I'm like the kid that keeps calling, but you don't want to talk to him, but you don't want to hurt his feelings either so you just humor him till he goes away. This may make you hate me and it may make you not want to talk to me, but at least I can live with the fact that I told you everything that I feel.
I don't think that you are a bad person for any of this and I want you to know that and this is the last time I'll bother you about anything. Basically I'm trying to tell you that I'll stop calling and leaving voicemails, I'll stop sending text messages and I'll stop IMing you and leaving you comments. I will leave you alone. If you want to talk to me you know where and how to find me...until I know otherwise I'm just going to assume I got it right and come to terms with it. If I'm wrong and you want to tell me you know where I am.
I'm not mad at you or anyone. I want you to know that. Please don't read this and then think that I don't think highly of you cause you know that'll be bullshit. Don't read this and think it was all a lie cause that's bullshit too. And definately don't read this and think that I never want to speak with you again. I figure that if and when you're ready you'll call.
I'm sorry for everything bad I did and I wish you the best of luck in all things. If I don't hear from you then have a great life and may you get everything that you want. I hope that this isn't good-bye Cate, but if it is I want you to know that I'll miss you.