(no subject)

[hoff_fur_morgen]

I'm happy.
Truly, deeply, profoundly happy with where my life has led.

But sometimes, the nostalgia comes, and it eats me alive.
And I think of every goddamn sang we sang together
and I think of every goddamn drive we made together
and I think of every goddamn photograph I ever took that I gave you because you were too beautiful, and I couldn't trust myself to not waste my days poring over them.
But here I am, pouring away.
And I remember the way you looked in that first photograph I took of your friend
you told me later that you loved me then, though I didn't understand why.
And I remember when you told me of the boy
who invited you into his bed
and halfway there, you stopped.
Because you saw me on the horizon
And I looked like Jesus
And you were still considering whether or not to drop your nets.
then you did.

We were like torches
that burned too bright
and, to our surprise
sputtered out
(or my surprise: you seemed fine with it
and I've never understood)

because it's been almost ten goddamn years
And I still don't understand
"It's really not that hard..."
I still don't fucking understand.

But I am happy.
Truly, deeply, profoundly happy.

And I remember when you saw her
And when you called it
After you left the room
leaving me alone
with her

And here we are
still alone.

I sometimes sit and wonder
"what if I had just kissed her?"

I will never know.
And I'm glad I won't.