eeny meeny minee mo
after a long needed break, i officially started school again today. i was excited like a little boy in line to enter the astro jump. buying the essentials for school made me feel the same happiness i experience on a shopping spree. and then it hit me, i actually don't mind going to school for .. awhile. years go by fast anyways, and im at my best when im in school rather than slumbering my days away. and i've decided to stick to psychology. i have a tendency to fancy other fields and careers keeping me at the dreaded undecided/undeclared level. i tried to do this self-evaluation more honestly and i discovered that i really do love medicine. and the reason i'm undecided and fickle and picky as hell is because i can't own up to the fact that there are some things that are just not .. possible. i want to be in the field of medicine, but can i attain that goal? its fucking hard and i havent even started on that goal. i failed once, but im picking myself up as i speak. with all its high honor and very much appraised by parents, i just have this drive to sit down with cancer patients and just give them my all. i would love to work with kids. but through the midst of it all, really..its truly difficult. they make it difficult on purpose. now i dont know if i can actually make it, but im gonna try. and if i suck, then im gonna try harder. but then theres that possibility that you just can't make it. im scared of facing that reality, maybe that's why i keep looking over my shoulder at all these different majors and whatnot.
but i have a plan. if this plan works and i dont look over my shoulder and keep my head straight, then i'd like to imagine this plan actually working. so hopefully all this verbal confidence i constantly look up to will be just as good as the actual thing. on a different note, i found out that my friends are living in fragile tension. they cant say friends, they say roommates. maybe its because im looking from the outside. if i saw them right now, i'd fall all sorts of in love with them again regardless they wanna slap and bite eachother. but what i learned from last year was that, you grow up. things change, you change. you sometimes catch the change and try to adjust with it. or you get caught off guard and you feel empty and lonely because you believe its not you anymore. the more people try to stay the same, the more things change. so i learned to accept change and use it to my advantage. its actually working out quite well i'd say, but thats just me.
and on a slightly different note, i confirmed, today, that i DO have an attraction to confident-intellectual guys regardless what planet they seem to have come from. why is it that smart guys are intriguing and smart asses are lust worthy? hah.
but i have a plan. if this plan works and i dont look over my shoulder and keep my head straight, then i'd like to imagine this plan actually working. so hopefully all this verbal confidence i constantly look up to will be just as good as the actual thing. on a different note, i found out that my friends are living in fragile tension. they cant say friends, they say roommates. maybe its because im looking from the outside. if i saw them right now, i'd fall all sorts of in love with them again regardless they wanna slap and bite eachother. but what i learned from last year was that, you grow up. things change, you change. you sometimes catch the change and try to adjust with it. or you get caught off guard and you feel empty and lonely because you believe its not you anymore. the more people try to stay the same, the more things change. so i learned to accept change and use it to my advantage. its actually working out quite well i'd say, but thats just me.
and on a slightly different note, i confirmed, today, that i DO have an attraction to confident-intellectual guys regardless what planet they seem to have come from. why is it that smart guys are intriguing and smart asses are lust worthy? hah.