Is there such as thing as functional depression?
I'm just sitting here, on my futon sofa, in my new apartment, listening to carols on the tv, and feeling sorry(?) for myself.
I was looking forward to having my place all setup with decorations, lights, garland, the whole bit. the smell of fresh baked cookies and mulled cider wafting on the air, and trays of christmas treats to nibble on, this season, but instead i find that my livingroom is a mess, my kitchen is still full of boxes and my xmas decorations are still packed away Someplace. Haven't a clue where.
Now don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of opportunity to provide service unto my fellow beings this christmas, and past year. I'm greatful for the opportunities I've had to be able to help others in need; but I'm feeling so worn down and run over, milked dry and empty that I'm wondering if its worth it? (of course it is.. just feeling depressed cause I didn't get anything I personally wanted done this season. It's all be emergency relief aide and projects requireing my time.)
I know the folks I've helped appreciate my help. One i know would be either on the streets starving, or in a really bad situation. (and no, i don't concider being enslaved to another a bad circumstance until the abuse starts and unfortunately thats what kind of situation that person would have found themselves in, their so mild mannered and permissive/submissive all the time.) And the other person would have killed themselves. (they may yet still, once their mom dies if they're not able to handle the emotional loss of her; I hope they don't, they have too much promise in them to chicken out.) And the myriad others i've helped this past year, little things here and there; sometimes simple things, other times complex projects requiring (literally) blood, sweat and tears.
The building i live in is a wheelchair accessible apartment complex. every unit is designed for those in wheelchairs. (not all are well designed but thats another gripe for later.) It has three landlords. And the property managers are known to be 'slum lords'. They've done a passable job so far this season clearing away snow, IF this building was full of able bodied folks. BUT It's NOT. Its 45 units, 38 of which have folks dependent on wheelchairs to get around in. SNOW is NOT their friend for mobility. I've had to go out three times so far and shovel the ramp, and work at clearing the snow from the loading zone in front of the building so that the handi-buses can pickup and drop off folks in their chairs without getting 'stuck' and mired in slush and snow.
I don't mind shoveling snow, it keeps me busy and distracts me from other worries; HOWever, Technically its not my job, and I'm Not getting paid for it. If there had been an evacuation circumstance prior to my efforts, almost every one of us in this building would have been forced to stay inside the building cause we just would not be able to get out of the building because of the deep slushy snow. My ethics won't allow me to just simply walk by and say "oh thats someone elses job, not mine." and then not feel guilty or anything else for that matter. Especially knowing that it won't get done, either by the people (who are supposedly) responsible or won't be done well enough to even count as 'clearance' for chairs.
But that grievance aside, I'm just sitting here in my home feeling depressed (and for a change not because i don't have windows!!! :D) and rather disconnected from the world around me. I'm "in it" but not 'of it'. I feel slight momentary joy and happiness at points, Even lust and arousal don't feel 'normal' or strong anymore, like i know what they are but i just can't find them inside me anymore, and i paw-off out of habit and physical need to get blood pumping then for any actual arousal and desire. Anger, when it happens, is certainly strong enough, but even it too seems to quickly dissapate leaving me grinding my teeth and generally pissed off for awhile but even then, still not for very long. Love and affection, I THINK are still around but feel so clinical that I wonder what its all about and if I'm even ever meant to have a life partner(s). It seems that there are ever increasing more days where I exist, I function, but I have no connection to whats around me; then there are days where I can feel life around me, feel what it truely is supposed to feel like when experiencing emotions.
If what i'm yearning for is "special case" and what I'm turning into is "normal" ... I don't fucking like it one bit. Give me back my "special" and you can keep your "normal".
This isn't the usual dissassociation one gets when you feel like you'r in a dream but your really not; this is like total disconnection from EVERYTHING around you. Like your orbiting outside your body, able to see and comprehend everything and able to comprehend the Big and little picture at the same time, but from a VERY Clinical, unemotional and detattched manner. Like a scientist might feel running rats thru a maze. (I think)
What I'm asking, is... Is this Normal? or am I depressed? ... clinically depressed? biochemically depressed? ... so fricken emotionally dissapointed that I just don't fucking care any more? Yet continue on doing what I do out of autonomic habit?....
And this christmas is just the 'event'/straw thats triggering this latest examination/breakdown. I was honestly looking forward to being able to relax and have a moderately "traditional" western style Christmas holiday that would fill me up with joy and laughter and see me thru the comming year. Instead its been work work work work work and more work. Like i'm doing all the grunt work so that other people can have an enjoyable happy holiday. I'm that beggar boy in the corner who thanks his lucky stars he has a warm place to sleep but finds out that for that spot he has to do all the menial jobs the others don't want to do, and so ends up like cinderella. Covered in soot and walked all over; and unlike cinderella, doesn't have a happy ending to look forward to. (unless just being alive is good enough for you.)
Yes i'm ranting, yes i'm tired, but i'm honestly hurt, dissapointed, depressed, lonely, exhausted, tired, etc.... I'm 30-fucking-7 years old, I have a body that half the time craps out on me leaving me less then optimal, in a place where "oh yes, you'll get the help you only have to ask" and still not getting it; and because i'm 'broken defective goods' no one wants to be around me, or put up with the quirks long enough to get to know me and love me. So they throw me back into the rubbish heap, cause "why keep something broken, when you can have Shiny and New!" This world isn't just disposable products, its treating People like disposable objects too! (and this is NOT the fantasy every 'objectification fetishist' desires either.)
We're being provided for physically right enough, but no one wants us in their lives emotionally it seems.
oh fuck it.
just fuck it.
like anyone's gonna read this and have their lives changed, eyes opened, hearts warmed/frustrated... IF they read this they'll say "oh look at that a plea of me me me me attention" why bother, their obviously full of drama and baggage. not woth my time to get to know." Hell, if one person reads this and is truely affected by it and in the future treats someone who's differently abled, differently/better then I'd be happy. But who am i kidding. It doesn't work that way.
I'm broken, I'm incredibly different. And I'm either too far away for those who would want me, or to undersireable by those who are close enough to have me. Sure i could and can create a productive meaningful life here. But would I gain any joy or pleasure from it? Highly doubtful. If i can't feel the joy i'm supposedly brining to those around me now with my efforts, who says I'll feel any differently later? I have a gapping whole in it where a key element of my childhood should have filled in, and didn't and now theres no way to fill it based on environmental surroundings.
I won't kill myself physically, but I sure as hell feel dead inside right now anyways.
By The Way:
Merry Christmas to All, and To all ... oh who cares any more... Christmas has turned so fucking commercialized and materialistic even without Christ and Santa, the True TRUE meaning and spirit of christmas is gone.
Merry Fucking Christmas everyone.
and yes, No fucking Cut tags for this either.
I was looking forward to having my place all setup with decorations, lights, garland, the whole bit. the smell of fresh baked cookies and mulled cider wafting on the air, and trays of christmas treats to nibble on, this season, but instead i find that my livingroom is a mess, my kitchen is still full of boxes and my xmas decorations are still packed away Someplace. Haven't a clue where.
Now don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of opportunity to provide service unto my fellow beings this christmas, and past year. I'm greatful for the opportunities I've had to be able to help others in need; but I'm feeling so worn down and run over, milked dry and empty that I'm wondering if its worth it? (of course it is.. just feeling depressed cause I didn't get anything I personally wanted done this season. It's all be emergency relief aide and projects requireing my time.)
I know the folks I've helped appreciate my help. One i know would be either on the streets starving, or in a really bad situation. (and no, i don't concider being enslaved to another a bad circumstance until the abuse starts and unfortunately thats what kind of situation that person would have found themselves in, their so mild mannered and permissive/submissive all the time.) And the other person would have killed themselves. (they may yet still, once their mom dies if they're not able to handle the emotional loss of her; I hope they don't, they have too much promise in them to chicken out.) And the myriad others i've helped this past year, little things here and there; sometimes simple things, other times complex projects requiring (literally) blood, sweat and tears.
The building i live in is a wheelchair accessible apartment complex. every unit is designed for those in wheelchairs. (not all are well designed but thats another gripe for later.) It has three landlords. And the property managers are known to be 'slum lords'. They've done a passable job so far this season clearing away snow, IF this building was full of able bodied folks. BUT It's NOT. Its 45 units, 38 of which have folks dependent on wheelchairs to get around in. SNOW is NOT their friend for mobility. I've had to go out three times so far and shovel the ramp, and work at clearing the snow from the loading zone in front of the building so that the handi-buses can pickup and drop off folks in their chairs without getting 'stuck' and mired in slush and snow.
I don't mind shoveling snow, it keeps me busy and distracts me from other worries; HOWever, Technically its not my job, and I'm Not getting paid for it. If there had been an evacuation circumstance prior to my efforts, almost every one of us in this building would have been forced to stay inside the building cause we just would not be able to get out of the building because of the deep slushy snow. My ethics won't allow me to just simply walk by and say "oh thats someone elses job, not mine." and then not feel guilty or anything else for that matter. Especially knowing that it won't get done, either by the people (who are supposedly) responsible or won't be done well enough to even count as 'clearance' for chairs.
But that grievance aside, I'm just sitting here in my home feeling depressed (and for a change not because i don't have windows!!! :D) and rather disconnected from the world around me. I'm "in it" but not 'of it'. I feel slight momentary joy and happiness at points, Even lust and arousal don't feel 'normal' or strong anymore, like i know what they are but i just can't find them inside me anymore, and i paw-off out of habit and physical need to get blood pumping then for any actual arousal and desire. Anger, when it happens, is certainly strong enough, but even it too seems to quickly dissapate leaving me grinding my teeth and generally pissed off for awhile but even then, still not for very long. Love and affection, I THINK are still around but feel so clinical that I wonder what its all about and if I'm even ever meant to have a life partner(s). It seems that there are ever increasing more days where I exist, I function, but I have no connection to whats around me; then there are days where I can feel life around me, feel what it truely is supposed to feel like when experiencing emotions.
If what i'm yearning for is "special case" and what I'm turning into is "normal" ... I don't fucking like it one bit. Give me back my "special" and you can keep your "normal".
This isn't the usual dissassociation one gets when you feel like you'r in a dream but your really not; this is like total disconnection from EVERYTHING around you. Like your orbiting outside your body, able to see and comprehend everything and able to comprehend the Big and little picture at the same time, but from a VERY Clinical, unemotional and detattched manner. Like a scientist might feel running rats thru a maze. (I think)
What I'm asking, is... Is this Normal? or am I depressed? ... clinically depressed? biochemically depressed? ... so fricken emotionally dissapointed that I just don't fucking care any more? Yet continue on doing what I do out of autonomic habit?....
And this christmas is just the 'event'/straw thats triggering this latest examination/breakdown. I was honestly looking forward to being able to relax and have a moderately "traditional" western style Christmas holiday that would fill me up with joy and laughter and see me thru the comming year. Instead its been work work work work work and more work. Like i'm doing all the grunt work so that other people can have an enjoyable happy holiday. I'm that beggar boy in the corner who thanks his lucky stars he has a warm place to sleep but finds out that for that spot he has to do all the menial jobs the others don't want to do, and so ends up like cinderella. Covered in soot and walked all over; and unlike cinderella, doesn't have a happy ending to look forward to. (unless just being alive is good enough for you.)
Yes i'm ranting, yes i'm tired, but i'm honestly hurt, dissapointed, depressed, lonely, exhausted, tired, etc.... I'm 30-fucking-7 years old, I have a body that half the time craps out on me leaving me less then optimal, in a place where "oh yes, you'll get the help you only have to ask" and still not getting it; and because i'm 'broken defective goods' no one wants to be around me, or put up with the quirks long enough to get to know me and love me. So they throw me back into the rubbish heap, cause "why keep something broken, when you can have Shiny and New!" This world isn't just disposable products, its treating People like disposable objects too! (and this is NOT the fantasy every 'objectification fetishist' desires either.)
We're being provided for physically right enough, but no one wants us in their lives emotionally it seems.
oh fuck it.
just fuck it.
like anyone's gonna read this and have their lives changed, eyes opened, hearts warmed/frustrated... IF they read this they'll say "oh look at that a plea of me me me me attention" why bother, their obviously full of drama and baggage. not woth my time to get to know." Hell, if one person reads this and is truely affected by it and in the future treats someone who's differently abled, differently/better then I'd be happy. But who am i kidding. It doesn't work that way.
I'm broken, I'm incredibly different. And I'm either too far away for those who would want me, or to undersireable by those who are close enough to have me. Sure i could and can create a productive meaningful life here. But would I gain any joy or pleasure from it? Highly doubtful. If i can't feel the joy i'm supposedly brining to those around me now with my efforts, who says I'll feel any differently later? I have a gapping whole in it where a key element of my childhood should have filled in, and didn't and now theres no way to fill it based on environmental surroundings.
I won't kill myself physically, but I sure as hell feel dead inside right now anyways.
By The Way:
Merry Christmas to All, and To all ... oh who cares any more... Christmas has turned so fucking commercialized and materialistic even without Christ and Santa, the True TRUE meaning and spirit of christmas is gone.
Merry Fucking Christmas everyone.
and yes, No fucking Cut tags for this either.