spring flings
It seems that every spring time, its the same old thing. I get spring fever, as in hormone fever. I seem to go through the dillema and thoughts of changing my current world forever for the chance to find the next great guy, to be free again though I really have never been "free" since I moved to texas. I want to smell the flowers and each and every rose. This year its happening a later than last year. Kind of like the wildflowers along the texas highways.
I don't just go into this each year without an object of desire. Last year it was the cute hockey guy. This year, a very married, very sexy and attractive hockey parent. That is so wrong! So wrong!
What makes it worse is that I know he's been looking at me too. We've talked about it a little. I need not go into any details regarding the person or what we discussed. I can say that we boost each other's egos quite a bit. Maybe that is exactly what i am looking for each year. A bit of an ego boost. I think I have been repressing my real self under all the extra weight I have been carrying around for the last 8 years. As it melts away, so do my inhibitions.
The problem is that nothing ever comes out of these fantasies and thoughts of spending my life with someone else. That is not necessarily the problem, the problem being all the time I invest in not being able to do anything but think about what could have been or what could be. Makes me miserable.
I went through therapy last year about this time, and learned that writing stuff down helps tremendously. That's why this entry is here. I am pretty sure that only one person will ever read it, and there have been times when I have wanted to call him and say, "i need you to listen. what am i going to do?" He may call me saying "i am ready to listen. we will figure out what to do" after reading this entry. Its very helpful that he is 800+ miles away, yet that sucks too.
I do feel better now than i did when i first started this journal entry. Not entirely, but a little. I guess I have accomplished the first step of my objective. I will have to continue using this avenue to fulfill it entirely.
I don't just go into this each year without an object of desire. Last year it was the cute hockey guy. This year, a very married, very sexy and attractive hockey parent. That is so wrong! So wrong!
What makes it worse is that I know he's been looking at me too. We've talked about it a little. I need not go into any details regarding the person or what we discussed. I can say that we boost each other's egos quite a bit. Maybe that is exactly what i am looking for each year. A bit of an ego boost. I think I have been repressing my real self under all the extra weight I have been carrying around for the last 8 years. As it melts away, so do my inhibitions.
The problem is that nothing ever comes out of these fantasies and thoughts of spending my life with someone else. That is not necessarily the problem, the problem being all the time I invest in not being able to do anything but think about what could have been or what could be. Makes me miserable.
I went through therapy last year about this time, and learned that writing stuff down helps tremendously. That's why this entry is here. I am pretty sure that only one person will ever read it, and there have been times when I have wanted to call him and say, "i need you to listen. what am i going to do?" He may call me saying "i am ready to listen. we will figure out what to do" after reading this entry. Its very helpful that he is 800+ miles away, yet that sucks too.
I do feel better now than i did when i first started this journal entry. Not entirely, but a little. I guess I have accomplished the first step of my objective. I will have to continue using this avenue to fulfill it entirely.