gma
havent written in a while... ok.. so i was on my way to my mums house yesterday and she called "where are you?" i told her i was on the way "well.. grammy might not make it through the weekend so you can either go see her at the nursing home or stay and watch lauren's baby with tracy" i told her i'd go. i almost wish i didnt. but how could i decide right then? sigh.. so i get there and go in.. and get once again slammed by the horrible smell of the nursing home. ... and when i went in her room......... i almost couldnt take it.
she was lying there with her head tilted back and her mouth wide open.. along with her eyes.. wide open staring at nothing.. but she was sleeping. she had a huge oxygen mask on helping her breathe. she didnt respond to us talking to her, touch.. or anything. she just lied there.. half snoring half just breathing.. staring off into nothing... keep in mind i couldnt even go over there.. i just froze at the end of her bed scared shitless. theres grammy .. right there dying.. and i feel like i cant move. she was so skinny.. just bones.. my aunt lifted her hand and it just fell... they asked me.. do you wanna say hi or do you wanna go over there.. i just shook my head like 4 times and couldnt move.. then i of course break down and start crying.. which then makes lauren cry.. great.. sigh. it was horrible.. and i still cant decide if i wish i hadnt gone. so eventually i went beside her after i was used to it.. we stayed there all day so i was ok by then. and i bent down and i told her thanks for taking care of me.. then auntie gail bent down to her and said.. "thanks for taking care of all of us ma. we'll all be ok.. linda is doing the laundry and you taught diane how to make the macaroni salad (which she made at every get-together) so its ok to let go ma. we'll be fine"
........ i'm so.. sad
so today i'm going back there.. she made it through saturday.. but i dunno about today. i have a hockey game at 5:40.. which might be my only moment of peace today. my brother is coming down which makes me feel better. but i dunno if i could deal with him seeing her.. getting hit with the shock.. and if he cries i'm just gonna lose it. i asked auntie gail if she was holding on until every one of her grandchildren came in and said bye. alan, david, couurtney, tracy, and timmy are left.. but auntie gail doesnt want them to have to see her like this.. i wouldnt want them to either.
i cant believe.. grammy.. is dying
she was lying there with her head tilted back and her mouth wide open.. along with her eyes.. wide open staring at nothing.. but she was sleeping. she had a huge oxygen mask on helping her breathe. she didnt respond to us talking to her, touch.. or anything. she just lied there.. half snoring half just breathing.. staring off into nothing... keep in mind i couldnt even go over there.. i just froze at the end of her bed scared shitless. theres grammy .. right there dying.. and i feel like i cant move. she was so skinny.. just bones.. my aunt lifted her hand and it just fell... they asked me.. do you wanna say hi or do you wanna go over there.. i just shook my head like 4 times and couldnt move.. then i of course break down and start crying.. which then makes lauren cry.. great.. sigh. it was horrible.. and i still cant decide if i wish i hadnt gone. so eventually i went beside her after i was used to it.. we stayed there all day so i was ok by then. and i bent down and i told her thanks for taking care of me.. then auntie gail bent down to her and said.. "thanks for taking care of all of us ma. we'll all be ok.. linda is doing the laundry and you taught diane how to make the macaroni salad (which she made at every get-together) so its ok to let go ma. we'll be fine"
........ i'm so.. sad
so today i'm going back there.. she made it through saturday.. but i dunno about today. i have a hockey game at 5:40.. which might be my only moment of peace today. my brother is coming down which makes me feel better. but i dunno if i could deal with him seeing her.. getting hit with the shock.. and if he cries i'm just gonna lose it. i asked auntie gail if she was holding on until every one of her grandchildren came in and said bye. alan, david, couurtney, tracy, and timmy are left.. but auntie gail doesnt want them to have to see her like this.. i wouldnt want them to either.
i cant believe.. grammy.. is dying