peter pan
I noticed today that my parents and family aren't anything more than friends right now. There used to be a set of behavior, smiles, conversation topics, familiar gestures, and affection that was reserved for them. I never questioned or thought to question their love or acceptance; I felt absoloutely comfortable sitting with them, no motives, no plans, no implications, just me and them sitting on a too-small couch. That feeling of an unrecognized security seems so distant to me. I have secrets, I'm no more affectionate with them than I am with anyone else, the stories I own about them aren't any more intimate, and I don't feel the same loyalty I did once. I'm not sure I feel any loyalty at all.
I miss those special case relations. Having a grandma-visit-idea to slip into, a daddy-mode to hide in, a mommy-smile to wear, a james version of myself and a travis version to compliment the colors. Instead, I have maybe three different sets of behavior, which actually aren't that different.
If there's value at all in behaving the same way for everyone, it's honesty. That I think I have. But man, honesty is boring. I miss all the liars I used to know. I like that I can be one person, I don't think I'm wishing for a multiple personality disorder. I'm wishing for more clothes to wear.
Flatlining, man.
I miss those special case relations. Having a grandma-visit-idea to slip into, a daddy-mode to hide in, a mommy-smile to wear, a james version of myself and a travis version to compliment the colors. Instead, I have maybe three different sets of behavior, which actually aren't that different.
If there's value at all in behaving the same way for everyone, it's honesty. That I think I have. But man, honesty is boring. I miss all the liars I used to know. I like that I can be one person, I don't think I'm wishing for a multiple personality disorder. I'm wishing for more clothes to wear.
Flatlining, man.