I Know That I Shouldn't Dwell
I know I shouldn't dwell on these thoughts. They're just fears and irrational feelings meant to bother me and unnerve me as this draws to a close, something to shatter my faith which has only recently begun to bloom as it should have all along and to cause me to stumble in the newfound confidence I'd thought I'd gained. See that change already? 'Thought' I'd gained. Sigh. (This peanut butter is making me ill).
I was just thinking today, and this is always where I go awry, that I have more I need reolved than I thought I did. Plainly speaking, I have a lot of hurt that keeps coming back to burn me like stomach acid. And I know that Corinthian love does not hold record of wrongs, I've been trying to remember that a lot lately, but I'm not sure how to move on from these things.
And I always feel so melodramatic posting these, but I know somehow it has to be good to vent. I am not used to being the one needing a shoulder. I've grown stronger I know, and part of me wants to be stronger still and tough it out, hitch up my jeans, and just move on with life. But the other part of me wonders if maybe true strength is breaking down and telling someone face to face for once, or if it is ok to not be strong every now and then and allow myself to be upset. I hate being upset.
Sigh again.
Anyway.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Hurt. So...I really never understood about hurt, how people could say they were hurt by this or that person. I mean, I can understand being angry, disappointed, saddened by. But hurt? Just seemed odd. I get it now. And I also get how people can become wary. I'm ahead of myself again. This is really a new problem for me. You know one deal if you've read previous entries. As much as I've tried to put that out of my mind I can't. For once I know true regret. God, if I could only scrub my brain or just wash every inch of my skin to get the memory off, to get my actions off. That may sound harsh. You guys (if you're reading this) probably know what I'm talking about and think I'm being crazy hard on myself compared to other things I could have done. But here's the thing...it all compounds on itself to add to this feeling of just being used. I don't EVER want to be used again (if that is indeed what happened). And I can't get the lurking feeling that I was used out of my brain either. I still feel like wasted garbage thrown by the highway at times and instead of hating him (I could never do that) it just makes me feel gross. I can't describe it. It just feels...feels like I want to retch, as if that would purge me of anything I said/did/want to do/feel. Not that I'm really beating up on myself that hard. Is any of this making sense? I know it doesn't, because it doesn't to me. And here I thought this would be coherent. Used. That's how I feel. Cheap and used. And yet, I keep going back. I made a vow to myself to NEVER do that again, and I've kept it, but that doesn't stop me wanting to even though I KNOW the consequences. I know that afterwards I'll feel on top of the world, but eventually that sickening knot in the pit of my stomach will twist in disgusting jealousy and hurt and anger as my delusion of being "special" is shattered as the EXACT same thing happens to some other girl. The same actions, the same sweet words, the same look probably...I keep going over in my head: How much of that was faked? How much??? Probably all,and here I was, a naive little girl, all too ready to fall into it and all too gullible. An easy little pawn. And really, I have no right to be upset. There was no relationship. I wanted it that way. But still...it felt so nice to be wanted, and not in a simple friendly way. I know now why all this is saved for marriage. No jealousy, no hurt. You are in a relationship with that man forever. He is yours and God's. The devotion, the words, everything is real. But enough about this. I could type forever and still not be able to fully describe the depth of this emotion, unless you have experience in it. Then I guess you know what I'm talking about.
What I didn't realize until recently is a smaller hurt from someone I never expected. I mean, no where near the magnitude I totally brought on myself (I don't really blame the one above ^ for much of any of that. Some, but mostly me. And it's me that's hardest to forgive). Anyway. the fish. Yeah, crazy, I know. Maybe I shouldn't call this hurt, but...disappointment? Confusion? Wariness? I don't mind not dating him, I really don't. But...I would have liked some closure. As in, you know 'hey, I know we said blah blah blah but I've changed my mind because blah blah blah.' Or even a not so subtle 'hey! have you seen the new pics of my girlfriend?' Or even a 'hey, I don't like you. Beat it.' But just to leave it hanging and me confused? that's lame. I would have at least liked some kind of signal that I should stop crushing. Haha. Maybe that was the several months of not talking. :P Maybe I just can't take a hint. Ah, but all of this leads into dating and stuff. Anyways, it's really no big deal. Just annoying. I can't even remember why it was a big deal earlier.
Needless to say, this hasn't ALL been on my mind all the time. I'm not all moody and crap. It's just been on the back burners and decided to randomly come up for a bit to be chewed over. I'll be ok. Just gonna keep studying and praying that God makes me polished through all this. Everything's a learning experience right? Yup.
You're brave it you've made it this far. I commend you.
I was just thinking today, and this is always where I go awry, that I have more I need reolved than I thought I did. Plainly speaking, I have a lot of hurt that keeps coming back to burn me like stomach acid. And I know that Corinthian love does not hold record of wrongs, I've been trying to remember that a lot lately, but I'm not sure how to move on from these things.
And I always feel so melodramatic posting these, but I know somehow it has to be good to vent. I am not used to being the one needing a shoulder. I've grown stronger I know, and part of me wants to be stronger still and tough it out, hitch up my jeans, and just move on with life. But the other part of me wonders if maybe true strength is breaking down and telling someone face to face for once, or if it is ok to not be strong every now and then and allow myself to be upset. I hate being upset.
Sigh again.
Anyway.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Hurt. So...I really never understood about hurt, how people could say they were hurt by this or that person. I mean, I can understand being angry, disappointed, saddened by. But hurt? Just seemed odd. I get it now. And I also get how people can become wary. I'm ahead of myself again. This is really a new problem for me. You know one deal if you've read previous entries. As much as I've tried to put that out of my mind I can't. For once I know true regret. God, if I could only scrub my brain or just wash every inch of my skin to get the memory off, to get my actions off. That may sound harsh. You guys (if you're reading this) probably know what I'm talking about and think I'm being crazy hard on myself compared to other things I could have done. But here's the thing...it all compounds on itself to add to this feeling of just being used. I don't EVER want to be used again (if that is indeed what happened). And I can't get the lurking feeling that I was used out of my brain either. I still feel like wasted garbage thrown by the highway at times and instead of hating him (I could never do that) it just makes me feel gross. I can't describe it. It just feels...feels like I want to retch, as if that would purge me of anything I said/did/want to do/feel. Not that I'm really beating up on myself that hard. Is any of this making sense? I know it doesn't, because it doesn't to me. And here I thought this would be coherent. Used. That's how I feel. Cheap and used. And yet, I keep going back. I made a vow to myself to NEVER do that again, and I've kept it, but that doesn't stop me wanting to even though I KNOW the consequences. I know that afterwards I'll feel on top of the world, but eventually that sickening knot in the pit of my stomach will twist in disgusting jealousy and hurt and anger as my delusion of being "special" is shattered as the EXACT same thing happens to some other girl. The same actions, the same sweet words, the same look probably...I keep going over in my head: How much of that was faked? How much??? Probably all,and here I was, a naive little girl, all too ready to fall into it and all too gullible. An easy little pawn. And really, I have no right to be upset. There was no relationship. I wanted it that way. But still...it felt so nice to be wanted, and not in a simple friendly way. I know now why all this is saved for marriage. No jealousy, no hurt. You are in a relationship with that man forever. He is yours and God's. The devotion, the words, everything is real. But enough about this. I could type forever and still not be able to fully describe the depth of this emotion, unless you have experience in it. Then I guess you know what I'm talking about.
What I didn't realize until recently is a smaller hurt from someone I never expected. I mean, no where near the magnitude I totally brought on myself (I don't really blame the one above ^ for much of any of that. Some, but mostly me. And it's me that's hardest to forgive). Anyway. the fish. Yeah, crazy, I know. Maybe I shouldn't call this hurt, but...disappointment? Confusion? Wariness? I don't mind not dating him, I really don't. But...I would have liked some closure. As in, you know 'hey, I know we said blah blah blah but I've changed my mind because blah blah blah.' Or even a not so subtle 'hey! have you seen the new pics of my girlfriend?' Or even a 'hey, I don't like you. Beat it.' But just to leave it hanging and me confused? that's lame. I would have at least liked some kind of signal that I should stop crushing. Haha. Maybe that was the several months of not talking. :P Maybe I just can't take a hint. Ah, but all of this leads into dating and stuff. Anyways, it's really no big deal. Just annoying. I can't even remember why it was a big deal earlier.
Needless to say, this hasn't ALL been on my mind all the time. I'm not all moody and crap. It's just been on the back burners and decided to randomly come up for a bit to be chewed over. I'll be ok. Just gonna keep studying and praying that God makes me polished through all this. Everything's a learning experience right? Yup.
You're brave it you've made it this far. I commend you.