it's better where you're going anyway
i've been so lucky to have not had to deal with a death of someone i was very close to, i've known people who've died but it's never been devastating (for me atleast) and i'm thankful for that everyday. yesterday, i got my first taste of death and i now know somewhat how that devastation feels. as most everyone knows, i work for a homehealth agency and we work mostly with the elderly, and handicapped so people are always dying, going into the hospital, and being placed in facilities. i'm kind of used to the way it goes because it's a part of my everyday life. we had a hospice case (hospice is who comes in to help people prepare for the dying process, usually by giving them some sort of narcotic) who needed 24/7 care or she was going to be placed in a facility to die. as far as we knew she didn't have much family and her home was the only thing she had left and she didn't want to leave. i was the one who got the call that we needed to go out and assess her and start 24 hour care that day, so like everyother time i get a call to pick up a case i went out to her house and went over our companies paperwork with her, recieved a check, and started services 2 hours after the first intial phone call. this time was a little different because i had an instant connection with her, at this time she was still coherent cracking little jokes with me, i pulled her hair back for her, and held her hand while she told me how precious i was. i spent every day this last week at her house, even though my girls were there to be with her i still made it a priority to stop by and spend a little bit of time with her. on thursday, hospice finally brought the morphine, liquid oxygen and hospital bed because she was declining significantly. i was there on a visit when it all arrived so i stayed to help get everything set up, and help move her from her bed to the hospital bed. she was so upset and completley beside herself because she thought it was so tacky to have a bed in the livingroom, i just kind of laughed and told her it would help make things easier and the oxygen and air pad would help make her feel better. she was still reclucant but did it anyway because there was a chance she'd feel better. while my two caregivers were getting things in order after we had gotten her into the hospital bed, i sat on the floor and held her hand. i will never forget the million and five dollar smile she flashed and as she told me she loved me and she was so glad we were there to help make her better. i had to get up because i wanted to cry, so i got her some water, pinned her hair back for her, kissed her on the hand and left. that was the last time i ever saw her alive. we knew it was coming so yesterday in our afternoon meeting we discussed who was going to go out to the house once it happened, i volunteered myself because i was so attached to her and wanted to make sure that the correct steps were taken once she did pass. i received a call at about 5:30 yesterday afternoon from my boss telling me i needed to get over to her house because she passed about 15 minutes before that. the whole way over my stomach was turning, this was my first time seeing a dead person, let alone a dead person i cared about. when i got there it was completley different than i had imagined. my caregiver who was there at the time was holding it together pretty well, we were unsure what to do considering hospice told us it would be anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half before they could get there to actually pronounce her dead so we made her bed. we just kind of sat around, and talked until another one of my girls showed up. we all three just sat together, talking about her and what was going to happen. at about 7 hospice finally showed up and pronounced her, i did really well the whole time. no crying, no nothing, until i was told i needed to call and notify the family. how in the fuck do you tell someone that their loved one has passed? i held it together until her sister answered the phone, i introduced myself and told her that my company had been overseeing her sisters care. she asked, oh..how is she doing? and thats when i choked up, and told her i was so sorry to inform her that her sister had passed a few hours ago. there was complete silence, and then a sob on the other line. i tried so hard to be strong but that seriously was the most horrible, sad, heart breaking thing i've ever had to do. we both collected ourselves and talked the 'business' portion of it, and set up what would happen once she got up here. after we'd talked for about 15 minutes, she again, let out another sob and told me she was so sorry but she was absolutely devastated because that was her baby sister. i again, lost it and just told her how sorry i was. she told me that she knew i would help her take care of things, and she was very glad she had the chance to speak with me but wished i didn't call her. we both laughed, said our goodbyes and got off of the phone. next came waiting for the mortician which would take anywhere from 1-5 hours. we were lucky enough to only have to wait about an hour until they arrived. once they arrived, i had to do more business talk and sign the release for them to take her body. talk about rough day. once that paperwork was finished, they asked if we were sure we wanted to watch them take her. we all agreed we weren't going anywhere. we all said our last goodbyes, and they began. at first i was sitting because i was feeling so overwhelmed and sick to my stomach i didn't know how i really was going to handle it. once they started to place her body in the bag, i stood up and was a strong as i could be. i was fine when they placed her into the bag, i was fine when they placed her on the stretcher, i was fine when they put the blanket over her, and i was fine when they strapped her in. we shut out the lights, locked up the house, and followed them out. i cried a little bit when they put her into the van, but it was short lived because once again there was business talk. after everything was complete, and everyone left...i sat in my car and cried the hardest i've ever cried in my life. my mom told me it gets easier each time (she's been in this business for 21 years) but i don't see how it can. that was the most heartbreaking expirence of my whole life. i will never, for as long as i live, forget that woman and the lessons i learned this last week. i am so sorry to everyone who has lost someone close to them. yes, my dad is dead but it's a different kind of sad. i never knew him, which makes it hard, but i can't imagine losing someone that close to me after developing a relationship.