(no subject)
I don't know what happened today. I don't know why things are feeling lonely. Whatever it was today that made me decide to dig my grave and plan a funeral for myself obviously really brought me down pretty fast. Since I've been pretty content with my life and the things going on. However, lately I've been dragging.
Fuck what I feel that I think is real. Fuck the mind the youth holds highly towards each other. The only way I can describe how I truly feel at this moment is nostaglia. I didn't talk to Nathan at all today. I just dreamt about him cheating on me. Usually my dreams make it hard for me handle my day. Hopefully tonight will be dreams without unchaste events.
Maybe I need to cry.
I have too much bottled inside. There are temptations that flood my veins and this fucking guilt washes over me. The more I resist, the more my faint heart decides to give in to whatever it is that is making me ache for an escape. My escape right now isn't a moral idea to really set me feel. Right now, I have no genuine approaches towards happiness.
My lazy boyfriend needs to do what he needs to do inorder to see me before I do stupid things. My mind has been running for the past 3 days without him. The more days I spend without him near, the more I like to give up on a lot of things. Nathan keeps me from spending money...and I've blown away a hundred bucks today. Does money co-exist with me as of now? No.
I spent some time with Steven today and it was very nice. I also dyed my hair a somewhat lighter color and got a facial. Then I spent like 60 bucks on things I don't really need. I spent more money on things I don't need. I liked talking to Steven even though I couldn't look him dead in the eyes for some reason. It's weird hanging out with him...especially when it's just the two of us since our past has been a rocky road of trying to hook up with eachother, and me denying him horribly.
I don't know what it was about my day that took me down so hard. Maybe it was too many past references to make me dribble down and feel asbolutely nothing that makes me feel like I should continue the rest of my day awake.
I have realized that it's dangerous for me to spend time with myself alone. It takes a big chunk out of me when I sit here to think about my life and realize what has gone on to make things so miserable. The people in my life that I have taken in and kicked out effect me tremendously. I think about everyone atleast once a day, and you know, the people in my life usually aren't content with their surroundings.
I thought about that quite a bit today when I was awake and not being narcissistic about my looks. No one seems to be happy here on Earth anymore. It's sad, but I think it took a lot for me to be able to be content with my life for the time period I have gone through.
Right now, I'm just sick of my current status. No fucking licenses, horrible job, my boyfriend can't come see me because he likes to set things aside and fuck it up for the both of us and himself...then he bitches and BLAHLSFJD;A. Maybe that's what crawled inside of me. The things that I never said to Nathan. How immature he is sometimes and I don't want to be his mother. I don't want to take care of him and remind him to do certain things. However, I think being in a relationship you have the privilage to be a little dependent on someone to remind you certain things. But I think fucking up three times with very stupid little things in the short time period he's been in is a little ridiculous.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't know what it is that I want. I have to close tomorrow and bleh...I don't want to do it. I don't want to do much of anything right now that is going to strive to make me try. Whatever motivation I lack needs to all spill out right now. I'll need the incentive to do well in school next autumn.
God decided that this week I need to learn how to feel something different. I forgot my cell phone at Nathan's so there's no return of it. So, I haven't been talking to Nathan all that much which is no help at all. Fuck..I need to call him to tell him to bring it.
I just must love writing long entries now.
Fuck what I feel that I think is real. Fuck the mind the youth holds highly towards each other. The only way I can describe how I truly feel at this moment is nostaglia. I didn't talk to Nathan at all today. I just dreamt about him cheating on me. Usually my dreams make it hard for me handle my day. Hopefully tonight will be dreams without unchaste events.
Maybe I need to cry.
I have too much bottled inside. There are temptations that flood my veins and this fucking guilt washes over me. The more I resist, the more my faint heart decides to give in to whatever it is that is making me ache for an escape. My escape right now isn't a moral idea to really set me feel. Right now, I have no genuine approaches towards happiness.
My lazy boyfriend needs to do what he needs to do inorder to see me before I do stupid things. My mind has been running for the past 3 days without him. The more days I spend without him near, the more I like to give up on a lot of things. Nathan keeps me from spending money...and I've blown away a hundred bucks today. Does money co-exist with me as of now? No.
I spent some time with Steven today and it was very nice. I also dyed my hair a somewhat lighter color and got a facial. Then I spent like 60 bucks on things I don't really need. I spent more money on things I don't need. I liked talking to Steven even though I couldn't look him dead in the eyes for some reason. It's weird hanging out with him...especially when it's just the two of us since our past has been a rocky road of trying to hook up with eachother, and me denying him horribly.
I don't know what it was about my day that took me down so hard. Maybe it was too many past references to make me dribble down and feel asbolutely nothing that makes me feel like I should continue the rest of my day awake.
I have realized that it's dangerous for me to spend time with myself alone. It takes a big chunk out of me when I sit here to think about my life and realize what has gone on to make things so miserable. The people in my life that I have taken in and kicked out effect me tremendously. I think about everyone atleast once a day, and you know, the people in my life usually aren't content with their surroundings.
I thought about that quite a bit today when I was awake and not being narcissistic about my looks. No one seems to be happy here on Earth anymore. It's sad, but I think it took a lot for me to be able to be content with my life for the time period I have gone through.
Right now, I'm just sick of my current status. No fucking licenses, horrible job, my boyfriend can't come see me because he likes to set things aside and fuck it up for the both of us and himself...then he bitches and BLAHLSFJD;A. Maybe that's what crawled inside of me. The things that I never said to Nathan. How immature he is sometimes and I don't want to be his mother. I don't want to take care of him and remind him to do certain things. However, I think being in a relationship you have the privilage to be a little dependent on someone to remind you certain things. But I think fucking up three times with very stupid little things in the short time period he's been in is a little ridiculous.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't know what it is that I want. I have to close tomorrow and bleh...I don't want to do it. I don't want to do much of anything right now that is going to strive to make me try. Whatever motivation I lack needs to all spill out right now. I'll need the incentive to do well in school next autumn.
God decided that this week I need to learn how to feel something different. I forgot my cell phone at Nathan's so there's no return of it. So, I haven't been talking to Nathan all that much which is no help at all. Fuck..I need to call him to tell him to bring it.
I just must love writing long entries now.