(no subject)
lotta shit over the past week or so. spent most of my weekend with my head in the toilet. damn stomach flu. Sorted out something that got way more people involved than should've been. Um. I said some harsh things i shouldnt have said. I'm sorry. I know you never told it to anybody that you knew for a fact i was doing it (which i wasn't) and that you said it was just a suspiscion, but hey, things get shot to hell in translation all the time, so im not blaming anyone. well, thats not entirely true. I am blaming myself. I know i was hardly a gentleman, hell i didn't even reach the BOTTOM 5. I know that. I admit that. I mean, I was... I am working on changing that. It's not exactly easy or quick, but I'm trying here. I'm trying. I'd like a chance to show i'm trying to change, not necessarily now, but a couple years down the line. I'm not asking for a second chance. I mean, I'd like - no, I'd love a second chance to show I've changed, but that's not my choice, and if friends is all you want to be, if thats the most you're comfortable with, friends it'll be. But i'd at least like A chance, not necessarily with you, but one more chance with somebody to show that I can be that. That I'm not just another macho, narcissistic, self-centered asshole. That I can be better than that.
Ok. slight change in direction here. whereas most guys in my position would be hurt/pissed off about what very recently started, im not. Don't get me wrong, the timing could've been better and that kinda hurt me that it happened that fast, but im not super upset. In fact, to be honest... I'm... I'm kinda happy. Yes, I do love her and i prolly always will. But im not jealous. or enraged. or upset. im happy. im happy cause i know that this person can treat her so much better than i ever did. that this person can treat her the way she DESERVES to be treated. If they find they're happy together, and they stay together, and i don't get a second chance, c'est la vie. that's life. those are the cards we're dealt. we cant change them, but we do what we can. Just because life deals us a bad hand doesn't mean we cant hit the jackpot. I'm happy and best of luck to both of you. Just treat her right. treat her better than i could.
All in all, this whole experience has been kind of enlightening for me. Don't ask me to explain how. I can't. I just don't want to lose all my friends over this. You guys are the only good friends I've got. Only friends I've had since the 4th grade. But if that's the way its gotta be, that's the way it'll be. Just don't force people to choose. It's not fair to them. If they want to be friend's with both you and with me, let 'em. Don't think that if they're friends with me you won't be able to hang out. If they ask me somewhere, I'll ask who else is goin, and if it's folks who i know can't stand to be around me, I won't go. But don't force anyone to choose. I'm not.
C'est la vie.
-Mike
Ok. slight change in direction here. whereas most guys in my position would be hurt/pissed off about what very recently started, im not. Don't get me wrong, the timing could've been better and that kinda hurt me that it happened that fast, but im not super upset. In fact, to be honest... I'm... I'm kinda happy. Yes, I do love her and i prolly always will. But im not jealous. or enraged. or upset. im happy. im happy cause i know that this person can treat her so much better than i ever did. that this person can treat her the way she DESERVES to be treated. If they find they're happy together, and they stay together, and i don't get a second chance, c'est la vie. that's life. those are the cards we're dealt. we cant change them, but we do what we can. Just because life deals us a bad hand doesn't mean we cant hit the jackpot. I'm happy and best of luck to both of you. Just treat her right. treat her better than i could.
All in all, this whole experience has been kind of enlightening for me. Don't ask me to explain how. I can't. I just don't want to lose all my friends over this. You guys are the only good friends I've got. Only friends I've had since the 4th grade. But if that's the way its gotta be, that's the way it'll be. Just don't force people to choose. It's not fair to them. If they want to be friend's with both you and with me, let 'em. Don't think that if they're friends with me you won't be able to hang out. If they ask me somewhere, I'll ask who else is goin, and if it's folks who i know can't stand to be around me, I won't go. But don't force anyone to choose. I'm not.
C'est la vie.
-Mike