The Satyricon is FUCKED UP.
The Satyricon is just one of the ancient novels I'm having to read for a module this year. And... oh god. It's like Roman Torchwood.
So the story so far: The main character Eumolpius comes home from bitching about philosophy outside a school to find his slave, Giton, sitting on his bed.
Eumolpius: "Hey boytoy, what's for lunch?"
Giton: "BTW, your friend Ascyltos tried to rape me earlier."
Eumolpius: "OMG WTF?"
Ascyltos: "Hey! You were boring and I was hungry, so I came home, and so OF COURSE I tried to rape your boy toy!"
Eumolpius: "Oh, that's OK then! Let's all have sex!"
***GROUP LAUGH***
Seriously. Just imagine this scene with Jack Harkness, John Hart and Ianto.
AND THEN. And then the three of them manage to piss off a cult. So three women who are in the cult come round and cry at them until they agree to be punished.
Aforementioned punishment being allowing themselves to be tied up on the floor, jabbed with hairpins, and then be ass-raped by a random catamite. Giton seems to escape with just having a nubile young girl make out with him. Clearly he is the pretty one.
This then, of course, turns into a huge orgy, with other randoms joining in, including a few random Syrians who only came in to steal the silverware.
Ascyltos: *is asleep from too much buttsex*
Eumolpius: "Hey! You haven't ass-raped Ascyltos in a while!"
Catamite: "How true!"
Cult Lady: "Hey, Giton's pretty hot, whose is he?"
Eumolpius: "Mine! He's MY pretty boy toy."
Cult Lady: "I KNOW! Let's use him to take this random little girl's virginity!"
Eumolpius: ".... isn't she, like, seven?"
Cult Lady: "Pfft, I was so having sex by seven. And we can totally watch through the keyhole and make out!"
Eumolpius: "YAY!"
THIS IS NOT A ROMAN NOVEL. THIS IS ***PORN***.
And I though the Golden Ass, where a scorned woman turns a man into a beaver so he has to bite off his own testicles to escape predators, was bad.
I mean, seriously. Those Romans. This is going to put the Pompeii episode of Doctor Who tonight in a VERY different light.
So the story so far: The main character Eumolpius comes home from bitching about philosophy outside a school to find his slave, Giton, sitting on his bed.
Eumolpius: "Hey boytoy, what's for lunch?"
Giton: "BTW, your friend Ascyltos tried to rape me earlier."
Eumolpius: "OMG WTF?"
Ascyltos: "Hey! You were boring and I was hungry, so I came home, and so OF COURSE I tried to rape your boy toy!"
Eumolpius: "Oh, that's OK then! Let's all have sex!"
***GROUP LAUGH***
Seriously. Just imagine this scene with Jack Harkness, John Hart and Ianto.
AND THEN. And then the three of them manage to piss off a cult. So three women who are in the cult come round and cry at them until they agree to be punished.
Aforementioned punishment being allowing themselves to be tied up on the floor, jabbed with hairpins, and then be ass-raped by a random catamite. Giton seems to escape with just having a nubile young girl make out with him. Clearly he is the pretty one.
This then, of course, turns into a huge orgy, with other randoms joining in, including a few random Syrians who only came in to steal the silverware.
Ascyltos: *is asleep from too much buttsex*
Eumolpius: "Hey! You haven't ass-raped Ascyltos in a while!"
Catamite: "How true!"
Cult Lady: "Hey, Giton's pretty hot, whose is he?"
Eumolpius: "Mine! He's MY pretty boy toy."
Cult Lady: "I KNOW! Let's use him to take this random little girl's virginity!"
Eumolpius: ".... isn't she, like, seven?"
Cult Lady: "Pfft, I was so having sex by seven. And we can totally watch through the keyhole and make out!"
Eumolpius: "YAY!"
THIS IS NOT A ROMAN NOVEL. THIS IS ***PORN***.
And I though the Golden Ass, where a scorned woman turns a man into a beaver so he has to bite off his own testicles to escape predators, was bad.
I mean, seriously. Those Romans. This is going to put the Pompeii episode of Doctor Who tonight in a VERY different light.