My star is fading, and I see no chance of release
I don’t know what I’m doing. My entire life I’ve been waiting for something to happen to me. In every aspect of my life I wait to see if something will happen. I never feel the need to make something happen. I make plans, I tell myself I’m going to do something. Everything in my life feels like it’s a part time gig until my life really starts. Yet nothing has started. I’ve been sitting and waiting. I tell myself I don’t try to start anything because I don’t really feel passionate about anything. I had a conversation with a friend where we discussed the fact that I’ve never screamed before. I haven’t yelled out in anger or joy. I’ve never felt myself filled with an emotion so strongly that I’ve felt the need to really scream.
I wonder what the point of meeting the perfect girl would be, I’d never say anything to her. I’d never do anything about the situation. I’d just let her walk away and wait for the one who would come to me and say something. Wait for life to happen to me while life slips away silently. Uneventfully. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake myself out of this? Why can’t I suppress that feeling that makes everything seem pointless and try to do something? Why do I take the easy road?
Now I feel my world is slipping away around me. Everything I thought I had control over seems out of control. I can’t get organized in my head. My mind feels chaotic, with errant thoughts swarming around everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I should just drop everything, cut away from any part of this life and go do something else entirely. Start anew. Why do I feel so alien to everyone around me? I tell myself I don’t care what people think of me but then soon after I find myself wondering why people hate me. Why people dislike me when I don’t really feel anything. Then I wonder why I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel like all my emotions are not real. I’m just making myself act and feel in the way that I think I should be acting and feeling. Even when I feel sad, its because I think that people in my situation would feel sad so maybe I should. Where does this complete apathy come from? I must care about something, right? Otherwise why would I even be writing this?
The more questions I ask the less I feel I know. Well, no shit, right? What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish I knew. Why am I writing this? What do I want from people? I don’t think I want pity, or people to feel sorry for me… but then what do I want? Maybe I’m just waiting for something to happen to me again. Maybe I’m just too lazy to make it happen for me. I want to cut this part of me out of myself, but if I did who would I be? Sometimes I can’t help but feel that I really do hate the person I am, too bad life isn’t a game and I can’t just reroll.
Fuck god. If he does exist. If he doesn’t, fuck whoever did create life. Fuck the world. Fuck everybody. Fuck my friends for caring about me and not letting me fade away. Fuck my parents for giving me a stable home and no excuse for being fucked up. Fuck my professors for never failing me. Fuck movies for making me want to live a fantasy. Fuck books for letting me escape into them. Fuck the word fuck and all of its vulgarity. Fuck life for having no point. Fuck you for wanting an ljcut. Fuck that girl in third grade that made me wonder what it would be like if she liked me.
Fuck me.
If for nothing else than being me.
I wonder what the point of meeting the perfect girl would be, I’d never say anything to her. I’d never do anything about the situation. I’d just let her walk away and wait for the one who would come to me and say something. Wait for life to happen to me while life slips away silently. Uneventfully. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake myself out of this? Why can’t I suppress that feeling that makes everything seem pointless and try to do something? Why do I take the easy road?
Now I feel my world is slipping away around me. Everything I thought I had control over seems out of control. I can’t get organized in my head. My mind feels chaotic, with errant thoughts swarming around everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I should just drop everything, cut away from any part of this life and go do something else entirely. Start anew. Why do I feel so alien to everyone around me? I tell myself I don’t care what people think of me but then soon after I find myself wondering why people hate me. Why people dislike me when I don’t really feel anything. Then I wonder why I don’t feel anything. Sometimes I feel like all my emotions are not real. I’m just making myself act and feel in the way that I think I should be acting and feeling. Even when I feel sad, its because I think that people in my situation would feel sad so maybe I should. Where does this complete apathy come from? I must care about something, right? Otherwise why would I even be writing this?
The more questions I ask the less I feel I know. Well, no shit, right? What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish I knew. Why am I writing this? What do I want from people? I don’t think I want pity, or people to feel sorry for me… but then what do I want? Maybe I’m just waiting for something to happen to me again. Maybe I’m just too lazy to make it happen for me. I want to cut this part of me out of myself, but if I did who would I be? Sometimes I can’t help but feel that I really do hate the person I am, too bad life isn’t a game and I can’t just reroll.
Fuck god. If he does exist. If he doesn’t, fuck whoever did create life. Fuck the world. Fuck everybody. Fuck my friends for caring about me and not letting me fade away. Fuck my parents for giving me a stable home and no excuse for being fucked up. Fuck my professors for never failing me. Fuck movies for making me want to live a fantasy. Fuck books for letting me escape into them. Fuck the word fuck and all of its vulgarity. Fuck life for having no point. Fuck you for wanting an ljcut. Fuck that girl in third grade that made me wonder what it would be like if she liked me.
Fuck me.
If for nothing else than being me.