Balancing Masculine and Feminine Paradigms
This is an entry I've wanted to write for a long time. I thought it might help explain myself better to the world around me.
I can remember from the time I was a small child being scolded and told not to cry. Over and over, I heard "boys don't cry." Well this one did. For me, crying was an in the moment emotional release I had to do. I defied each and every family member, authority figure, peer--all of them. To this day, I still don't know why. I don't know if it was because of my contrarian streak or because I knew deep within me that I had to do it but there was no stopping me. No pressure was going to stop me from resolving issues in my own way despite the yelling, scolding, and efforts to socialize me to other people's expectations.
And it was this one childhood decision that has forever set my course since then. Often people fall into this "women are from venus and men are from mars" mentality and it's easy to dissect why--women are allowed to be more highly emotionally developed in American society than men. Men are taught to bottle it up, put it away, and to hide behind this false facade of masculinity. And when men can't relate or don't understand our/their emotional responses to their actions, they freeze up and become defensive. It's walking a very tight tightrope in navigating between gender paradigms.
It's a lesson that came home to roost recently. I just couldn't get past how someone could not see what he was doing could be frustrating on my end. I expected this person to know without actually explaining it to him. It doesn't help that our attempts to meet face to face where I planned to bring it up continue being pushed back. I refuse to have discussions on this level over text message or email. There are too many missing nuances for it to ever go well. Perhaps I am being stubborn about this point but I am unyielding in how it needs to be face to face before I open up.
Yet as highly emotionally developed as I like to think I am, it doesn't mean I am never ignorant to how my actions or words affect others. There was a recent instance where I had been hurting someone close to me. I think if it has been brought up in the moment, I could have corrected it sooner, but I had to figure it out myself that there was a problem. You can never stop growing or trying to reach out. I will never be perfect and expecting others to be is not within my frame of reality either.
So I guess we would call that the "typical" masculine construction aloof and unaware of his actions and words affect others. The "typical" feminine construction would be to expect the man to know on his own how his actions and words affect others. He should just know. However, she expects him to figure it out without her telling him. This situation is probably the creative pool of most pop songs. In Indiana, where I was raised, women would rarely bring up their issues with men. They would harbor them for long periods of time in a passive aggressive manner. Rarely if ever can I recall a memory from my childhood where there was a female figure who could lay it on the line with a male figure. Perhaps my German grandmother, but it still took her a lot to finally let men have it.
It also took me a long time to come to terms with my own masculinity. What did it mean to be a man? Did it mean dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, being able to be called a "pussy," "sissy," and "pansy?" I've always had a fascination when threatened men will immediately point to the feminine attributes of their opponents yet they are ultimately attracted to those attributes in a woman. It still and always will rub me when gay men say they are "straight acting." I just want to ask them if all the world is their stage. Sexuality I found out recently is more fluidic than I myself wanted to see it. I went to an all male college, I saw unrestrained "manhood" everywhere, I saw people who were more emotionally well rounded being tarred and feathered by men who were afraid of it. I lasted a year, spent several years wondering if I had a mistake by leaving, and then realizing I could not survive in an out of touch microcosm.
I honestly feel like I have the best of both worlds in terms of modern gender construction. I am happy being a man. It took me many years to say that. I am comfortable and relaxed being a man. But I feel informed by a stereotypically more feminine attitude towards emotions and how my actions and words impact others. Every once in awhile I still need a good kick in the butt but I feel like have a pretty good grasp on how I am perceived. Perhaps that's why I most often identify with women and their struggles--I read biographies of Anne Boleyn, Marie Antoinette, Mary Queen of Scots--not the History Channel. I see life through that prism first not through some a modern masculine gender construction. I long ago discarded that paradigm as one I saw how I could live my life in being my true self. It does explain why I don't exactly relate well to other men because in essence we share the same bodies but not the same backgrounds and responses.
One thing I've struggled to attain during my 20s is balance on every level. In this case, I feel like I have been able to achieve that ambrosial balance. I can wear an Express t-shirt, two necklaces, and a gender bending haircut and walk around comfortable being a man. It's taken a lot of friends, conversations, and people stopping to take the time to give me a part of themselves to get here. I am my own small piece of the human tapestry and I hope to pay it forward in my own life and in that of others.
I can remember from the time I was a small child being scolded and told not to cry. Over and over, I heard "boys don't cry." Well this one did. For me, crying was an in the moment emotional release I had to do. I defied each and every family member, authority figure, peer--all of them. To this day, I still don't know why. I don't know if it was because of my contrarian streak or because I knew deep within me that I had to do it but there was no stopping me. No pressure was going to stop me from resolving issues in my own way despite the yelling, scolding, and efforts to socialize me to other people's expectations.
And it was this one childhood decision that has forever set my course since then. Often people fall into this "women are from venus and men are from mars" mentality and it's easy to dissect why--women are allowed to be more highly emotionally developed in American society than men. Men are taught to bottle it up, put it away, and to hide behind this false facade of masculinity. And when men can't relate or don't understand our/their emotional responses to their actions, they freeze up and become defensive. It's walking a very tight tightrope in navigating between gender paradigms.
It's a lesson that came home to roost recently. I just couldn't get past how someone could not see what he was doing could be frustrating on my end. I expected this person to know without actually explaining it to him. It doesn't help that our attempts to meet face to face where I planned to bring it up continue being pushed back. I refuse to have discussions on this level over text message or email. There are too many missing nuances for it to ever go well. Perhaps I am being stubborn about this point but I am unyielding in how it needs to be face to face before I open up.
Yet as highly emotionally developed as I like to think I am, it doesn't mean I am never ignorant to how my actions or words affect others. There was a recent instance where I had been hurting someone close to me. I think if it has been brought up in the moment, I could have corrected it sooner, but I had to figure it out myself that there was a problem. You can never stop growing or trying to reach out. I will never be perfect and expecting others to be is not within my frame of reality either.
So I guess we would call that the "typical" masculine construction aloof and unaware of his actions and words affect others. The "typical" feminine construction would be to expect the man to know on his own how his actions and words affect others. He should just know. However, she expects him to figure it out without her telling him. This situation is probably the creative pool of most pop songs. In Indiana, where I was raised, women would rarely bring up their issues with men. They would harbor them for long periods of time in a passive aggressive manner. Rarely if ever can I recall a memory from my childhood where there was a female figure who could lay it on the line with a male figure. Perhaps my German grandmother, but it still took her a lot to finally let men have it.
It also took me a long time to come to terms with my own masculinity. What did it mean to be a man? Did it mean dressing a certain way, acting a certain way, being able to be called a "pussy," "sissy," and "pansy?" I've always had a fascination when threatened men will immediately point to the feminine attributes of their opponents yet they are ultimately attracted to those attributes in a woman. It still and always will rub me when gay men say they are "straight acting." I just want to ask them if all the world is their stage. Sexuality I found out recently is more fluidic than I myself wanted to see it. I went to an all male college, I saw unrestrained "manhood" everywhere, I saw people who were more emotionally well rounded being tarred and feathered by men who were afraid of it. I lasted a year, spent several years wondering if I had a mistake by leaving, and then realizing I could not survive in an out of touch microcosm.
I honestly feel like I have the best of both worlds in terms of modern gender construction. I am happy being a man. It took me many years to say that. I am comfortable and relaxed being a man. But I feel informed by a stereotypically more feminine attitude towards emotions and how my actions and words impact others. Every once in awhile I still need a good kick in the butt but I feel like have a pretty good grasp on how I am perceived. Perhaps that's why I most often identify with women and their struggles--I read biographies of Anne Boleyn, Marie Antoinette, Mary Queen of Scots--not the History Channel. I see life through that prism first not through some a modern masculine gender construction. I long ago discarded that paradigm as one I saw how I could live my life in being my true self. It does explain why I don't exactly relate well to other men because in essence we share the same bodies but not the same backgrounds and responses.
One thing I've struggled to attain during my 20s is balance on every level. In this case, I feel like I have been able to achieve that ambrosial balance. I can wear an Express t-shirt, two necklaces, and a gender bending haircut and walk around comfortable being a man. It's taken a lot of friends, conversations, and people stopping to take the time to give me a part of themselves to get here. I am my own small piece of the human tapestry and I hope to pay it forward in my own life and in that of others.