Am I changing or is it you?
Maybe it's a little of both?
I was on the phone with my aunt the other day. Yeah the one I haven't seen since I was 9. (update:she called me out of the blue back in December because she was tired of all the family bullshit and decided it was time to reach out to me). With that said, we've had a lot to catch up on. It funny what 2 hours on the phone can do for someone when the conversation is heavy enough.
I came away from the conversation with a feel of, damn it all. I've come this far why the hell can't I push it even further. You see, family for me has been truly non-exisent. My childhood was one of knowing my family by the old polaroid pictures and the stories my mother would tell me. It was very seldom that I ever had a chance to put the name to the face.
With my aunt back in the picture, it is truly putting into perspective all those years I was alone. Why my mother acted the way she did and why I am who I am. Although the one amusing thing was when my aunt asked me where I developed the ablilty to be straight-forward. I said I wasn't quite sure, although I knew I was always drawn to people who were.
Which got me thinking about getting comfortable in my own skin. There were so many times in high school and college that I can look back on and think of how unpopular I was and how small my circle of friends really was. It probably didn't help that I worked constantly and within that environment I was so focused on the job and I never really could relate to many of the people around me. I think they never really understood me and I never really let my hair down enough to get them to understand that my objective was to get the job done; work now; fun when I'm not at work.
To be honest though, I look through these social websites now and see how everyone is connecting with each other and how so many people are still part of their social circles. I can't help it sometimes when I get frustrated because I tend to not be included. Again this is the part of really coming to terms with what makes me tick. Not sure if any of that makes sense...
Another thought I was having from my conversation was the thought of how efficient I am. I think many of the times I think in a way that is most efficient and the "right" way, regardless for the emotions that might come into play. This has tended to get me in trouble, especially with the ones closest to me, considering that they tend to get hurt the most. Really what it comes down to is my brain is one that is set to see the issue, analyze, and organize with very little room for lead way (for veering off the path creates more waste). This logic I feel leads me to be more of a straight forward person, for the straightest line between two points is the fastest and the shortest. I think I'm slowly learning that the autobaun for human interaction might not be the best approach all the time. On the other hand, I like it when people are straight forward with me. I would much rather have someone tell me "I don't like you, this is why" I have noticed that many of the friendships I've had have fallen apart due to people not being straightforward and honest, or at the very least asking me for the truth.
Not sure if any of this makes sense. At the moment it does for me, and I guess that's what's most important.
I was on the phone with my aunt the other day. Yeah the one I haven't seen since I was 9. (update:she called me out of the blue back in December because she was tired of all the family bullshit and decided it was time to reach out to me). With that said, we've had a lot to catch up on. It funny what 2 hours on the phone can do for someone when the conversation is heavy enough.
I came away from the conversation with a feel of, damn it all. I've come this far why the hell can't I push it even further. You see, family for me has been truly non-exisent. My childhood was one of knowing my family by the old polaroid pictures and the stories my mother would tell me. It was very seldom that I ever had a chance to put the name to the face.
With my aunt back in the picture, it is truly putting into perspective all those years I was alone. Why my mother acted the way she did and why I am who I am. Although the one amusing thing was when my aunt asked me where I developed the ablilty to be straight-forward. I said I wasn't quite sure, although I knew I was always drawn to people who were.
Which got me thinking about getting comfortable in my own skin. There were so many times in high school and college that I can look back on and think of how unpopular I was and how small my circle of friends really was. It probably didn't help that I worked constantly and within that environment I was so focused on the job and I never really could relate to many of the people around me. I think they never really understood me and I never really let my hair down enough to get them to understand that my objective was to get the job done; work now; fun when I'm not at work.
To be honest though, I look through these social websites now and see how everyone is connecting with each other and how so many people are still part of their social circles. I can't help it sometimes when I get frustrated because I tend to not be included. Again this is the part of really coming to terms with what makes me tick. Not sure if any of that makes sense...
Another thought I was having from my conversation was the thought of how efficient I am. I think many of the times I think in a way that is most efficient and the "right" way, regardless for the emotions that might come into play. This has tended to get me in trouble, especially with the ones closest to me, considering that they tend to get hurt the most. Really what it comes down to is my brain is one that is set to see the issue, analyze, and organize with very little room for lead way (for veering off the path creates more waste). This logic I feel leads me to be more of a straight forward person, for the straightest line between two points is the fastest and the shortest. I think I'm slowly learning that the autobaun for human interaction might not be the best approach all the time. On the other hand, I like it when people are straight forward with me. I would much rather have someone tell me "I don't like you, this is why" I have noticed that many of the friendships I've had have fallen apart due to people not being straightforward and honest, or at the very least asking me for the truth.
Not sure if any of this makes sense. At the moment it does for me, and I guess that's what's most important.