dave.
i hate myself.
i hate myself
....i hate myself.
i hate 100% about me.
i hate that im not skinny as fuck... i think that i shouldnt eat ever i think that everythign about me completley disgusting. i hate being white and i hate my face. i hate. the end.
my life has completely fallen apart.... i fucking feel used and betrayed and lost
everything i was decent at or good at i fucking stopped caring about.
....school, pole vaulting. everything is completley fallen apart. my gpa sucks
i dont care about anything and i cant make myself for the world.
i think taht nobody understands me and nobody takes the mother fucking time to figure out anything about me or ask questions or care or figure out wahts is really goin gon or be loyal to me
.... i just want help
i feel bad about myself 95% of the day.
everytime ellen says things like she cant STAND that i called her to say such a stupid thing to her while she is with or without RJ or whatever. i cnat even STAND MYSELF and cry every single time this happens thats how weak i am now. honest to goodness every mother fucking time. even if the conversation starts off with "ok well we'll go see RJ and fix your fone"
i fuckign suck at life... i am a bitch and i cant possibly be nice to anyone. seroiusly. i miswell call myself rachael wilkie or something.
i dont know what i want but i know i want out. i want help
i want to go back in time i want my old life back i want that year to happen again
i was sooo happy :( i had someone who actaully listened and actually cared and it felt good
im so fucking stupid to have lost it all....
i told pat today about how i've had 2 relationships since it all and got over him and everything but when it all comes down to it deep down i still dream about it happening again one day.
i shouldnt. but im nto going ot hide it i do.. i dont care if you think im crazy or obsessive becuase its not like that fuckers.
there i go again im so weird. what ahve i done with my life? WHAT THE FUCK where did it all go? where..... i want it back :( please.
but i cant. i hate whining and complaining im nto ... i just have to write this down because im crying os hard i cant breath....
IM SO FUCKIGN GLAD that the only people tori thinks i'd ever end up going to prom with are the people that she cant stand and refuses to be in a group with ...
im glad you clarified that im still not good enough or pretty enough or WHATEVER to be near you
i fuckign wont go....sorry i broke up with mike and screwed up your plans and dont have a date anymore
SORRY if whoever thinks im stupid for doing it but what the fuck was i doing with him? and with my life....
I HATE I HATE I HATE that you just sit there and dont comment on things i tell you becuas eyou disagree and i hate that you disagree with almost 100% of the choices i make...espeically with the last 2 boys.
im weak. my self image fucking sucks. i miss my brother and i feel like one word i said to him 2 months ago is keeping me from ever being close to him ever again and that fucking word was "emo" and i didnt even mean it.
i ahte that i wil never go to regionals ever in my life. i want to soooo bad and i have been trying my fucking hardest and goin got all the practices all though i suck at life and just dont go on time to them beucase I DONT KNOW what im doing with my life i just dont.
fkljaskflsafjlka;sfd;sla
I DONT want to go to prom with greg because it will be you guys having fun with your boyfriends and than me and greg who will of course have fun but its weird knowing HE LIKES ME and i dont like him back.... i cant help it i just dont... and i cant help that i dont like nick like that either even if he likes me
I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE eithe rof them becuase they both drink, smoke, do drugs (nto all of them do all of that ) and whatever hte fuck else and i can not handle that i cant deal with it and my parents it scares the liviing shit out of me.
my parents are fucking alcoholics and pot heads..;... they are never here... they are out every single night drinking and come home drunk every single morning at whatever time.
when my dad isnt high he is a complete jackass... typical alocholic... he just screams and scares me and my sister thinks we need to go to therapy and tol dhim and i dont know if we are or not i really dont know.... i have no clue what will happen i just want to move away from all of this.
i wish i knew how to be nice and be a good person again. and treat people fuckin awesome...even if they make me feel bad about myself.
oh wait most of the time i do until now and standing up formyself for the first fucking time to her didnt ger tme anywhere but hypervenalating and crying. fucking dont even know how to act around her
and she is flipping out becuase last year i had a cc prom group and didnt invlove her and whatever. which is bullshit i had nothing to do with that and it was not all cross it was cross fucking boys and i was dating one WHAT THE FUCK did you want me to do tori? seriously. i didnt act like you werent on cross if uckign hung out with you all night and danced with you and this is a bunch of bullshit
OK SO I TOLD JAKE YOUR a "really bad influence on me" you are. Since you drink, i drink, you smoke, i'll prob ably end up smoking right? yep that happened. for a bit till i realized that i wanted my fucking life back and stopped smoking when i drank and basically stopped drinking also. GET THE FUCK OVER IT if it offended you that much you'd have said something about it back than... and really its nothing to be offended by if its about mother fucking alcohol beucase its not anything you didnt already know.
i dont want ot eat ever again.... i just want to meet somebody who will be there and care and actaully get to know me :(
i love ellen.... she probably has the most power to hurt me and doesnt know it. but idn we already talked about this.
i hate myself
....i hate myself.
i hate 100% about me.
i hate that im not skinny as fuck... i think that i shouldnt eat ever i think that everythign about me completley disgusting. i hate being white and i hate my face. i hate. the end.
my life has completely fallen apart.... i fucking feel used and betrayed and lost
everything i was decent at or good at i fucking stopped caring about.
....school, pole vaulting. everything is completley fallen apart. my gpa sucks
i dont care about anything and i cant make myself for the world.
i think taht nobody understands me and nobody takes the mother fucking time to figure out anything about me or ask questions or care or figure out wahts is really goin gon or be loyal to me
.... i just want help
i feel bad about myself 95% of the day.
everytime ellen says things like she cant STAND that i called her to say such a stupid thing to her while she is with or without RJ or whatever. i cnat even STAND MYSELF and cry every single time this happens thats how weak i am now. honest to goodness every mother fucking time. even if the conversation starts off with "ok well we'll go see RJ and fix your fone"
i fuckign suck at life... i am a bitch and i cant possibly be nice to anyone. seroiusly. i miswell call myself rachael wilkie or something.
i dont know what i want but i know i want out. i want help
i want to go back in time i want my old life back i want that year to happen again
i was sooo happy :( i had someone who actaully listened and actually cared and it felt good
im so fucking stupid to have lost it all....
i told pat today about how i've had 2 relationships since it all and got over him and everything but when it all comes down to it deep down i still dream about it happening again one day.
i shouldnt. but im nto going ot hide it i do.. i dont care if you think im crazy or obsessive becuase its not like that fuckers.
there i go again im so weird. what ahve i done with my life? WHAT THE FUCK where did it all go? where..... i want it back :( please.
but i cant. i hate whining and complaining im nto ... i just have to write this down because im crying os hard i cant breath....
IM SO FUCKIGN GLAD that the only people tori thinks i'd ever end up going to prom with are the people that she cant stand and refuses to be in a group with ...
im glad you clarified that im still not good enough or pretty enough or WHATEVER to be near you
i fuckign wont go....sorry i broke up with mike and screwed up your plans and dont have a date anymore
SORRY if whoever thinks im stupid for doing it but what the fuck was i doing with him? and with my life....
I HATE I HATE I HATE that you just sit there and dont comment on things i tell you becuas eyou disagree and i hate that you disagree with almost 100% of the choices i make...espeically with the last 2 boys.
im weak. my self image fucking sucks. i miss my brother and i feel like one word i said to him 2 months ago is keeping me from ever being close to him ever again and that fucking word was "emo" and i didnt even mean it.
i ahte that i wil never go to regionals ever in my life. i want to soooo bad and i have been trying my fucking hardest and goin got all the practices all though i suck at life and just dont go on time to them beucase I DONT KNOW what im doing with my life i just dont.
fkljaskflsafjlka;sfd;sla
I DONT want to go to prom with greg because it will be you guys having fun with your boyfriends and than me and greg who will of course have fun but its weird knowing HE LIKES ME and i dont like him back.... i cant help it i just dont... and i cant help that i dont like nick like that either even if he likes me
I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE eithe rof them becuase they both drink, smoke, do drugs (nto all of them do all of that ) and whatever hte fuck else and i can not handle that i cant deal with it and my parents it scares the liviing shit out of me.
my parents are fucking alcoholics and pot heads..;... they are never here... they are out every single night drinking and come home drunk every single morning at whatever time.
when my dad isnt high he is a complete jackass... typical alocholic... he just screams and scares me and my sister thinks we need to go to therapy and tol dhim and i dont know if we are or not i really dont know.... i have no clue what will happen i just want to move away from all of this.
i wish i knew how to be nice and be a good person again. and treat people fuckin awesome...even if they make me feel bad about myself.
oh wait most of the time i do until now and standing up formyself for the first fucking time to her didnt ger tme anywhere but hypervenalating and crying. fucking dont even know how to act around her
and she is flipping out becuase last year i had a cc prom group and didnt invlove her and whatever. which is bullshit i had nothing to do with that and it was not all cross it was cross fucking boys and i was dating one WHAT THE FUCK did you want me to do tori? seriously. i didnt act like you werent on cross if uckign hung out with you all night and danced with you and this is a bunch of bullshit
OK SO I TOLD JAKE YOUR a "really bad influence on me" you are. Since you drink, i drink, you smoke, i'll prob ably end up smoking right? yep that happened. for a bit till i realized that i wanted my fucking life back and stopped smoking when i drank and basically stopped drinking also. GET THE FUCK OVER IT if it offended you that much you'd have said something about it back than... and really its nothing to be offended by if its about mother fucking alcohol beucase its not anything you didnt already know.
i dont want ot eat ever again.... i just want to meet somebody who will be there and care and actaully get to know me :(
i love ellen.... she probably has the most power to hurt me and doesnt know it. but idn we already talked about this.