(no subject)
hmmm. back to livejournal.
i have trouble writing in this nowadays, something about the computer screen. doesn't seem very inspirational for free thought. we'll see.
so, lately i've felt like my head is going to explode. which is prolly why im turning to my livejournal at the only peaceful free moment i have to possibly slow down my thoughts a little. it's 12:15 am. im home, at my parents house in lansing. moms been asleep for hours. dad is in connecticutt for some reason or another. meghan is at her apt. tyler left like an hour ago back to his place. weird. im enjoying Yann Tiersen's music from Amelie on my ipod which is up and working again. i WAS waiting for all my music from my upstairs to download into my laptop but that got all sorts of fucked up and im too lazy to start over. maybe tomorrow.
shit is chill.
so, lansing life is hell. i've prolly spent a total of 6 hours in this house since i "moved" back on friday. see, by the 25th i have to go in and talk to the lovely people at the DMV about a letter i got in the mail that was notifying me of a license suspension. so, for 2 months im stuck out in lansing WITHOUT a car. i don't know how im going to survive. it just sucks when all my friends, all the things i like to do, everything is downtown and im out here in the sticks. it leaves important time to sit and think though, which i guess is usefull.
im trying to get settled somewhere before i lose my license. i've been looking at apt's in ithaca for myself or even possibly my friend eleanor also. it sounds far-fetched but i don't think it will be physically possible for me to stay in this house. i feel like i can't breathe when im out here. it's like the walls are caving in on me.
my parents want me to travel. ugh. i mean, it's great. im glad they're supportive of me getting out and going, and doing. but it's frustrating because i just don't feel like im at that place in my life to do that right now. i need to be settled. i need ground beneath my feet. i certainly don't feel enough emotional stability or support. i at least need the physical place to have as my own and to escape to and chill the fuck out if need be. anyway, they keep mentioning that i "need to have a plan" which translates into their need to watch and control me and put me on some kind of schedule. because please, failure is too likely without expectation and direction. and it's like yes, i would like some sort of stable plan that i can follow, but not with the pressure they throw onto me. i need balence.
a job would be nice. it's just frustrating that my driving privileges are being taking away. makes it harder to get around. like to a job. it would be even harder if i wasn't able to get an apt downtown.
still can't help questioning myself. am i making the right decisions? should i stay here? am i happy here? am i staying here for the right reasons? should i go to northampton? is that even a likely possibility? would i be able to travel? has my anxiety gone away or is it just waiting for the perfect time to resurface? is that holding me back from what i want to do? do i want to go to college? should i have started school this year instead of taking a year off? am i doing enough with my life? why do others seem so fearless and brave to me? why can't i be more like them?
also, it's geting cold outside. soon im gunna regret not getting my act together and going to california. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
love you all, hope everyone is in good health and in good hands. i wish happy thoughts to you all.
i have trouble writing in this nowadays, something about the computer screen. doesn't seem very inspirational for free thought. we'll see.
so, lately i've felt like my head is going to explode. which is prolly why im turning to my livejournal at the only peaceful free moment i have to possibly slow down my thoughts a little. it's 12:15 am. im home, at my parents house in lansing. moms been asleep for hours. dad is in connecticutt for some reason or another. meghan is at her apt. tyler left like an hour ago back to his place. weird. im enjoying Yann Tiersen's music from Amelie on my ipod which is up and working again. i WAS waiting for all my music from my upstairs to download into my laptop but that got all sorts of fucked up and im too lazy to start over. maybe tomorrow.
shit is chill.
so, lansing life is hell. i've prolly spent a total of 6 hours in this house since i "moved" back on friday. see, by the 25th i have to go in and talk to the lovely people at the DMV about a letter i got in the mail that was notifying me of a license suspension. so, for 2 months im stuck out in lansing WITHOUT a car. i don't know how im going to survive. it just sucks when all my friends, all the things i like to do, everything is downtown and im out here in the sticks. it leaves important time to sit and think though, which i guess is usefull.
im trying to get settled somewhere before i lose my license. i've been looking at apt's in ithaca for myself or even possibly my friend eleanor also. it sounds far-fetched but i don't think it will be physically possible for me to stay in this house. i feel like i can't breathe when im out here. it's like the walls are caving in on me.
my parents want me to travel. ugh. i mean, it's great. im glad they're supportive of me getting out and going, and doing. but it's frustrating because i just don't feel like im at that place in my life to do that right now. i need to be settled. i need ground beneath my feet. i certainly don't feel enough emotional stability or support. i at least need the physical place to have as my own and to escape to and chill the fuck out if need be. anyway, they keep mentioning that i "need to have a plan" which translates into their need to watch and control me and put me on some kind of schedule. because please, failure is too likely without expectation and direction. and it's like yes, i would like some sort of stable plan that i can follow, but not with the pressure they throw onto me. i need balence.
a job would be nice. it's just frustrating that my driving privileges are being taking away. makes it harder to get around. like to a job. it would be even harder if i wasn't able to get an apt downtown.
still can't help questioning myself. am i making the right decisions? should i stay here? am i happy here? am i staying here for the right reasons? should i go to northampton? is that even a likely possibility? would i be able to travel? has my anxiety gone away or is it just waiting for the perfect time to resurface? is that holding me back from what i want to do? do i want to go to college? should i have started school this year instead of taking a year off? am i doing enough with my life? why do others seem so fearless and brave to me? why can't i be more like them?
also, it's geting cold outside. soon im gunna regret not getting my act together and going to california. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
love you all, hope everyone is in good health and in good hands. i wish happy thoughts to you all.