girl, you'll be a woman soon
I swear this started out as a legit contribution to the greater discussion going on in fandom at the moment about female characters (and that legit contribution is still on the way) but this one subject got quite specific and quite long-winded, so I'm going to give it a post of its own.
Now, I'm a fan of slash and a writer of slash (although not as much and not exclusively, anymore). I have been for a long time - I honestly remember where and when I first realized that the idea of two men together excited and intrigued me. Actually (sidebar of actual in-the-moment realization) that little revelation happens to be intrinsically linked with what was at the time my emerging bisexuality. Wow, I never really thought about that before, but there it is. Huh.
Anyway, more and more, I've been noticing something happening in slash fic. It's an incredibly small thing individually, that recurs and recurs until it starts to dig a groove that I trip over every time I stumble across it. But I'm quite conscious of how small it is, and I'm also conscious of how hard it is to churn out fic regularly, and I'm especially conscious of the fact that not everything that goes into a fic is intentional. Nobody's fic (unless they're, like, the Solzhenitsyn of fandom) is an intricately well thought out manifesto. We're all privy to a lot of happy accidents when we write, and there are probably just as many unhappy accidents lurking in our stories as well. I know I've recognized them after the fact in mine. I wrote a 3-day novel once that would set off every warning bell in the metafandom arsenal. Seriously. Race, class and gender fail all over the place.
Basically, if you recognize something of yourself in my rant, I really hope you don't feel that I'm attacking you or your writing. I'm not. The only reason I'm writing this in the first place is because at one time I noticed something about my writing which I then also started recognizing elsewhere.
Okay, here's my tiny little issue at the moment: well, wait. Instead of just explaining it, let me give you an example we've all encountered. Here we are mid-schmoopfest, and Character A (we'll call him... Harold) has just confessed his love for Character B (we'll call him... Kumar). Or reassured him of the depth of his feeling, or complimented him on something he was insecure about, or bought him something he secretly wanted, or cooked him a nice romantic meal. All common schmoopy scenarios.
Kumar: “Tater Tots for breakfast? My favourite! What's the special occasion?”
Harold (awkward shrug): “You're the special occasion.”
Kumar *linking hands around Harold's waist* “Aw, you're such a girl.”
*kissy kissy breakfast nookie*
Apart from probably wanting to gag at this point (sorry!), did anything jump out at you? Do you think you know what I'm about to gripe about? (You probably do, since you clicked on my cut tag.) Maybe it bothers you, too. God, I really hope it's not just me. All right, here it is:
Using "girl" in a pejorative way among male characters does not sit right with me. Oh, I know you'll say real guys say a lot worse to each other, so why am I nitpicking the word "girl"? Or, it's just a noun, it doesn't have a negative or a positive meaning, right? Well, right. It *is* a noun, and "girly" is an adjective, and they are just words, but put them together with some other words and some pretty worrisome context starts to appear.
Telling someone that they're acting (or throwing, or screaming, or running) like a girl - does it happen between real life dudes? Sure, of course. Does that mean it's okay to write anything we've overheard our guy friends say to each other into our fic? Well, sure. Of course it's okay - it's okay to write whatever you want. But if we're putting our writing out there, we should probably think about the effect of what we write on our readers. In this case, our mostly female readers.
People (and therefore characters) can be un-PC and offensive and rude. They can say and do horrible things. I am obviously in no greater position than anyone else to say what's appropriate. I love fic that pushes boundaries! The more offensive/subversive the better! Only: when I'm reading a fic which is entirely focused on romance between 2 male characters, and one character expresses some weakness or emotion or performs some romantic gesture, and the other guy calls him a girl for it? Oh, boy, do my hackles rise.
Why? Well, often, in the case of a one-shot or a very focused and shippy fic, this is the only mention of a girl in the entire story - a fond little jibe, sort of a patronizing "aren't you cute?" that also serves as a license to write men being emotional without being accused of being out of character. Not exactly lampshade hanging (although once you notice the pattern it becomes very easy to read "you're such a girl" as an author's "hi, I'm insecure about my characterization of males - ask me how!") but it's an acknowledgment that something is going on in that dialogue that requires some kind of a man-disclaimer.
Something metatextual is happening there. Don't we all know far too much about that? Thanks to TV Tropes, we're meta-savvy enough now to point at these moments and say Lampshade! Stuffed in the fridge! Woobifying! Or whatever other hip fandom term applies. We're meta-savvy enough to identify the character, setting and plot elements that make up our favourite books, shows and movies and to deconstruct them. Why is it then that while writing a m/m slash story in which things get emotional, we will often resort to "you're such a girl," or "we're such girls" or the like, instead of saying what we actually mean?
I mean, most of the time when I read this, I know it's quite probable that the author didn't realize they were doing it. I probably did it tons of times before it started bothering me, and never once realized exactly what it was I was doing. Basically: at one point there had to have been a moment where masculinity and emotion came into conflict during the creation of the story, and the author felt, consciously or not, that the only way out was by belittling and othering the emotional character.
Belittling? Oh, yes. Not that I'm saying "girl" on its own has necessarily negative connotations (although I have read a few academic bits and pieces that have led me to reevaluate my use of it in conversation as well as writing) but that the context in this case is, if not always negative, then lesser, somehow. Compare the actual meaning to the dialogue used (and again, excuse my terrible standalone examples):
"Aw, you're such a romantic," versus "Aw, you're such a girl."
"Why are you being so emotional?" versus "Why are you being such a girl?"
"Never would have pegged you for such a cuddler," versus "Never would have pegged you for such a girl."
And countless other variations. That's leaving aside the obviously negative examples, like:
"Don't be such a coward," versus "Don't be such a girl."
Although yes, that is also common. I'm actually more okay with this (well, I'm not "okay" with it, but it bothers me less on a subtextual "do we really realize what we're doing?" level), because it's obviously pejorative, the substitution of a word which is by its very definition negative. The other examples, though, don't offer that clarity.
What they do offer, though, is some insight into the degree to which stereotypes are alive and well in the stories we consume and create. Got a male exhibiting a traditionally female characteristic like sentimentality, tenderness, interest in decor, fashion sense, or inability to open jars? Sure, go ahead and write it, but make sure to point out how adorable and precious it makes him. Not "womanly", mind you, but "girly". Not just feminine, but also childish, or child-like. It's patronizing - a little pat on the head that simultaneously acknowledges that part of the character and dismisses it as external to him.
I never thought I would use the word "othering" in an LJ post. Or, well, ever. It's a word we parodied extensively in my undergrad poetry classes as trendy, overused and essentially meaningless (thanks, Don McKay!), but here I am, spitting it out: "you're such a girl" is not just an insult to us females who might hear the phrase and infer that within the context, the word "girl" takes on a negative connotation; it's actually a disservice to both men and women, because in this context (same touchy-feely examples as above), it's used dismissively to excuse a man's emotions by ascribing them to something other than what he is.
I mean, think about the difference between "You're such a romantic," and "You're such a girl," for a minute. The first one is pretty self-explanatory: it recognizes "romantic" as a characteristic of the person being addressed. Whereas the second example is problematic because it actually adds an extra implied step to this very simple equation. In this case, the progression looks something like: your behaviour is romantic, romantic behaviour belongs to girls, therefore you are a girl (not writing things out like this is how I failed a math test one time - show your work!). It doesn't allow the character to own all of his parts, instead attributing them to a completely other group as if they were borrowed.
And it's really too bad, because every characteristic we give our characters is an opportunity to flesh them out, to explore them in greater depth and to tease an increasingly specific sense of identity out of them.
The worst part is that to fall back on stereotypes this way, or to think we're subverting them by drawing attention to the way our characters behave outside their traditionally accepted gender model, isn't even really lazy writing. It's some weird learned behaviour, just like how we learn as kids to ask for the girl toy or the boy toy with our Happy Meals (this is the thing that makes me angriest in the WORLD, btw), when what we actually mean is that we want a doll or a car. It doesn't take any more effort to be specific and refuse those gender connotations, but we don't think of that, because we've been conditioned not to.
And it's unfortunate, because every time I see the phrase now, all I see is a missed opportunity for growth.
Now, I'm a fan of slash and a writer of slash (although not as much and not exclusively, anymore). I have been for a long time - I honestly remember where and when I first realized that the idea of two men together excited and intrigued me. Actually (sidebar of actual in-the-moment realization) that little revelation happens to be intrinsically linked with what was at the time my emerging bisexuality. Wow, I never really thought about that before, but there it is. Huh.
Anyway, more and more, I've been noticing something happening in slash fic. It's an incredibly small thing individually, that recurs and recurs until it starts to dig a groove that I trip over every time I stumble across it. But I'm quite conscious of how small it is, and I'm also conscious of how hard it is to churn out fic regularly, and I'm especially conscious of the fact that not everything that goes into a fic is intentional. Nobody's fic (unless they're, like, the Solzhenitsyn of fandom) is an intricately well thought out manifesto. We're all privy to a lot of happy accidents when we write, and there are probably just as many unhappy accidents lurking in our stories as well. I know I've recognized them after the fact in mine. I wrote a 3-day novel once that would set off every warning bell in the metafandom arsenal. Seriously. Race, class and gender fail all over the place.
Basically, if you recognize something of yourself in my rant, I really hope you don't feel that I'm attacking you or your writing. I'm not. The only reason I'm writing this in the first place is because at one time I noticed something about my writing which I then also started recognizing elsewhere.
Okay, here's my tiny little issue at the moment: well, wait. Instead of just explaining it, let me give you an example we've all encountered. Here we are mid-schmoopfest, and Character A (we'll call him... Harold) has just confessed his love for Character B (we'll call him... Kumar). Or reassured him of the depth of his feeling, or complimented him on something he was insecure about, or bought him something he secretly wanted, or cooked him a nice romantic meal. All common schmoopy scenarios.
Kumar: “Tater Tots for breakfast? My favourite! What's the special occasion?”
Harold (awkward shrug): “You're the special occasion.”
Kumar *linking hands around Harold's waist* “Aw, you're such a girl.”
*kissy kissy breakfast nookie*
Apart from probably wanting to gag at this point (sorry!), did anything jump out at you? Do you think you know what I'm about to gripe about? (You probably do, since you clicked on my cut tag.) Maybe it bothers you, too. God, I really hope it's not just me. All right, here it is:
Using "girl" in a pejorative way among male characters does not sit right with me. Oh, I know you'll say real guys say a lot worse to each other, so why am I nitpicking the word "girl"? Or, it's just a noun, it doesn't have a negative or a positive meaning, right? Well, right. It *is* a noun, and "girly" is an adjective, and they are just words, but put them together with some other words and some pretty worrisome context starts to appear.
Telling someone that they're acting (or throwing, or screaming, or running) like a girl - does it happen between real life dudes? Sure, of course. Does that mean it's okay to write anything we've overheard our guy friends say to each other into our fic? Well, sure. Of course it's okay - it's okay to write whatever you want. But if we're putting our writing out there, we should probably think about the effect of what we write on our readers. In this case, our mostly female readers.
People (and therefore characters) can be un-PC and offensive and rude. They can say and do horrible things. I am obviously in no greater position than anyone else to say what's appropriate. I love fic that pushes boundaries! The more offensive/subversive the better! Only: when I'm reading a fic which is entirely focused on romance between 2 male characters, and one character expresses some weakness or emotion or performs some romantic gesture, and the other guy calls him a girl for it? Oh, boy, do my hackles rise.
Why? Well, often, in the case of a one-shot or a very focused and shippy fic, this is the only mention of a girl in the entire story - a fond little jibe, sort of a patronizing "aren't you cute?" that also serves as a license to write men being emotional without being accused of being out of character. Not exactly lampshade hanging (although once you notice the pattern it becomes very easy to read "you're such a girl" as an author's "hi, I'm insecure about my characterization of males - ask me how!") but it's an acknowledgment that something is going on in that dialogue that requires some kind of a man-disclaimer.
Something metatextual is happening there. Don't we all know far too much about that? Thanks to TV Tropes, we're meta-savvy enough now to point at these moments and say Lampshade! Stuffed in the fridge! Woobifying! Or whatever other hip fandom term applies. We're meta-savvy enough to identify the character, setting and plot elements that make up our favourite books, shows and movies and to deconstruct them. Why is it then that while writing a m/m slash story in which things get emotional, we will often resort to "you're such a girl," or "we're such girls" or the like, instead of saying what we actually mean?
I mean, most of the time when I read this, I know it's quite probable that the author didn't realize they were doing it. I probably did it tons of times before it started bothering me, and never once realized exactly what it was I was doing. Basically: at one point there had to have been a moment where masculinity and emotion came into conflict during the creation of the story, and the author felt, consciously or not, that the only way out was by belittling and othering the emotional character.
Belittling? Oh, yes. Not that I'm saying "girl" on its own has necessarily negative connotations (although I have read a few academic bits and pieces that have led me to reevaluate my use of it in conversation as well as writing) but that the context in this case is, if not always negative, then lesser, somehow. Compare the actual meaning to the dialogue used (and again, excuse my terrible standalone examples):
"Aw, you're such a romantic," versus "Aw, you're such a girl."
"Why are you being so emotional?" versus "Why are you being such a girl?"
"Never would have pegged you for such a cuddler," versus "Never would have pegged you for such a girl."
And countless other variations. That's leaving aside the obviously negative examples, like:
"Don't be such a coward," versus "Don't be such a girl."
Although yes, that is also common. I'm actually more okay with this (well, I'm not "okay" with it, but it bothers me less on a subtextual "do we really realize what we're doing?" level), because it's obviously pejorative, the substitution of a word which is by its very definition negative. The other examples, though, don't offer that clarity.
What they do offer, though, is some insight into the degree to which stereotypes are alive and well in the stories we consume and create. Got a male exhibiting a traditionally female characteristic like sentimentality, tenderness, interest in decor, fashion sense, or inability to open jars? Sure, go ahead and write it, but make sure to point out how adorable and precious it makes him. Not "womanly", mind you, but "girly". Not just feminine, but also childish, or child-like. It's patronizing - a little pat on the head that simultaneously acknowledges that part of the character and dismisses it as external to him.
I never thought I would use the word "othering" in an LJ post. Or, well, ever. It's a word we parodied extensively in my undergrad poetry classes as trendy, overused and essentially meaningless (thanks, Don McKay!), but here I am, spitting it out: "you're such a girl" is not just an insult to us females who might hear the phrase and infer that within the context, the word "girl" takes on a negative connotation; it's actually a disservice to both men and women, because in this context (same touchy-feely examples as above), it's used dismissively to excuse a man's emotions by ascribing them to something other than what he is.
I mean, think about the difference between "You're such a romantic," and "You're such a girl," for a minute. The first one is pretty self-explanatory: it recognizes "romantic" as a characteristic of the person being addressed. Whereas the second example is problematic because it actually adds an extra implied step to this very simple equation. In this case, the progression looks something like: your behaviour is romantic, romantic behaviour belongs to girls, therefore you are a girl (not writing things out like this is how I failed a math test one time - show your work!). It doesn't allow the character to own all of his parts, instead attributing them to a completely other group as if they were borrowed.
And it's really too bad, because every characteristic we give our characters is an opportunity to flesh them out, to explore them in greater depth and to tease an increasingly specific sense of identity out of them.
The worst part is that to fall back on stereotypes this way, or to think we're subverting them by drawing attention to the way our characters behave outside their traditionally accepted gender model, isn't even really lazy writing. It's some weird learned behaviour, just like how we learn as kids to ask for the girl toy or the boy toy with our Happy Meals (this is the thing that makes me angriest in the WORLD, btw), when what we actually mean is that we want a doll or a car. It doesn't take any more effort to be specific and refuse those gender connotations, but we don't think of that, because we've been conditioned not to.
And it's unfortunate, because every time I see the phrase now, all I see is a missed opportunity for growth.