土屋アンナ - 黒い涙 ～deep sadness version～
God this song is my jam. Its my emo rockin out song. Plus Anna Tsuchiya is hot. Trick's my bitch.
Anywho, the song kinda reflects how Im feeling right now. Which is damn lost. Im being pulled in about 24390230 different directions, and Im running out of time to pick a path. Okay Im exaggerating, but it feels that way.
I kinda feel like I wanna pack up and leave. I want to like start over or something. I thought BC would be the new start I was looking for, but here I am, feeling the same way I did four years ago, with nothing holding me here, ready to begin again. Now dont get me wrong, there are things and people I will miss. But they are few and far between. I dont have that many close friends at BC, and I know thats partially my fault, cus I close myself off to it all the time. I wish I didnt, but I know I do. I didnt use to close myself off, but I can remember exactly when it began. In high school, when I would get lied to and ditched by like Dave and Sara and Janay and whoever else that I thought were my friends - it just made me feel so bad at about myself that I just had to build a wall closing myself from that kinda hurt again. So its like, I dont allow myself to really build a friendship with anyone else cus Im afraid of being left again. Its why I can no longer just pick up the phone and just call someone and talk, or just steal someone's SN and IM them just to talk, I dont have skype dates with anyone or anything; I always feel like Id be awkward or bother the other person or something. And so I can go months without talking to anyone...hell, I did this summer. I have talked to maybe 3 people from BC all summer. Sam, who is easily one of my best friends here, lives down the street..have I seen her? Nope. Janessa, who lives in Rehoboth, which is all of a titty away...have I seen her? Shawn wanted to hang out and get dinner (which was weird...but meh) I havent contacted him about that.
Im sabotaging myself. I think this is why I want to be ina relationship so badly, I think I feel like that will be the one person I would be able to call to just talk, or have an AIM convo with and they wouldnt be bothered or whatever. But I wonder if Id probably still end up building a wall with them too, and eventually...meh. This reminds me of how many groups I went through in high school. How many different people I used to hang out with. First there was my middle school crew with Chuck and Zack and them, then the theater people, then sophomore year kinda sucked if i remember. Then I hung out with like Ashley and Mike, and Ben for a while. Then back to Zack and the PVille crew. Then it was mostly Elise outta that crew cus all they would fucking do is sit around play guitar and smoke weed. And for a little (very little while) I hung with Janay and Tina. Then I started hanging out with more 'mos. Oh yeah, I hung out a lot with Maria & Keister and Emily somewhere in there too. Then I started going out with Dylan so all my time was with him and his friends and junk. Then college. Which is a whole nother buttfuck of different groups I floated around with till now.
I guess what the horoscope about Sagittarius isnt that inaccurate. Yesterday I was reading a Sag profile, and it always talks about how the 'hunter' is always looking to move around, and doesnt like predictability, and yadda yadda. And I sat there thinking how wrong that was, cus I like stability and Im not that big on change and stuff. But today I realized - I kinda am. At least on the big stuff. I wouldnt mind going to school at Temple in PA. Then I would be able to go abroad like I always wanted. Albeit for only like 6 weeks. Which is total weaksauce. But there are summer programs as well, so I might be able to extend my stay. I also wouldnt mind going to school in NY. And maybe persuing my dream to be an entertainer, and auditioning for plays or broadway or TV or something. But Im too much of a pussy to make that first step. Ive got so much negative energy around me, Im just kinda meh.
I just wish I had some kind of direction. Some promise of where it would be okay to go. Theres so much uncertainty around graduation, and I certainly dont want to waste my time in the same place. I need to do something. I need something exciting. Maybe I should really look into taking a trip - with a small group. At least that way Id be able to achieve two things, travel and get closer to people. Id hate to go in a group of 2 though. Two is a couple, and just reminds me how much single I am. Plus its harder to meet anyone else if youre in a group of two.
Ive got alotta stuff floating around in me. I should write a song about it. Once BC is back in session I should try and hit the recording studio. I wish I knew someone who played an instrument well though..well I do, but I wish I was friends enough with them to ask that kind of favor. Its time to start writing some lyrics. And hopefully Ill have some kind of photo from the shoot that wont make me look horrific - though I doubt it. Ugh, If I could afford plastic surgery I SO would. Anywho, I should do something. Get some direction. Refocus.
Im going to audition for Jesus Hopped the A Train. It would be cool if I got in. Ive never done a dramatic role before. Belize from Angels hardly had any deep moments. I was the comedic relief. So it would be cool to see if I could actually pull it off. But I need a monologue before I start thinking too far ahead. Im also gonna auditon for the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. But Juergen is directing, and I already know he has his favorites. Hes got a huge man boner for like Seth and E Cole I think, though I know a lot of actors will be going for Twelfth Night. Oh well. All I can do is audition I guess.
Im actually ready for school to start.
Anywho, the song kinda reflects how Im feeling right now. Which is damn lost. Im being pulled in about 24390230 different directions, and Im running out of time to pick a path. Okay Im exaggerating, but it feels that way.
I kinda feel like I wanna pack up and leave. I want to like start over or something. I thought BC would be the new start I was looking for, but here I am, feeling the same way I did four years ago, with nothing holding me here, ready to begin again. Now dont get me wrong, there are things and people I will miss. But they are few and far between. I dont have that many close friends at BC, and I know thats partially my fault, cus I close myself off to it all the time. I wish I didnt, but I know I do. I didnt use to close myself off, but I can remember exactly when it began. In high school, when I would get lied to and ditched by like Dave and Sara and Janay and whoever else that I thought were my friends - it just made me feel so bad at about myself that I just had to build a wall closing myself from that kinda hurt again. So its like, I dont allow myself to really build a friendship with anyone else cus Im afraid of being left again. Its why I can no longer just pick up the phone and just call someone and talk, or just steal someone's SN and IM them just to talk, I dont have skype dates with anyone or anything; I always feel like Id be awkward or bother the other person or something. And so I can go months without talking to anyone...hell, I did this summer. I have talked to maybe 3 people from BC all summer. Sam, who is easily one of my best friends here, lives down the street..have I seen her? Nope. Janessa, who lives in Rehoboth, which is all of a titty away...have I seen her? Shawn wanted to hang out and get dinner (which was weird...but meh) I havent contacted him about that.
Im sabotaging myself. I think this is why I want to be ina relationship so badly, I think I feel like that will be the one person I would be able to call to just talk, or have an AIM convo with and they wouldnt be bothered or whatever. But I wonder if Id probably still end up building a wall with them too, and eventually...meh. This reminds me of how many groups I went through in high school. How many different people I used to hang out with. First there was my middle school crew with Chuck and Zack and them, then the theater people, then sophomore year kinda sucked if i remember. Then I hung out with like Ashley and Mike, and Ben for a while. Then back to Zack and the PVille crew. Then it was mostly Elise outta that crew cus all they would fucking do is sit around play guitar and smoke weed. And for a little (very little while) I hung with Janay and Tina. Then I started hanging out with more 'mos. Oh yeah, I hung out a lot with Maria & Keister and Emily somewhere in there too. Then I started going out with Dylan so all my time was with him and his friends and junk. Then college. Which is a whole nother buttfuck of different groups I floated around with till now.
I guess what the horoscope about Sagittarius isnt that inaccurate. Yesterday I was reading a Sag profile, and it always talks about how the 'hunter' is always looking to move around, and doesnt like predictability, and yadda yadda. And I sat there thinking how wrong that was, cus I like stability and Im not that big on change and stuff. But today I realized - I kinda am. At least on the big stuff. I wouldnt mind going to school at Temple in PA. Then I would be able to go abroad like I always wanted. Albeit for only like 6 weeks. Which is total weaksauce. But there are summer programs as well, so I might be able to extend my stay. I also wouldnt mind going to school in NY. And maybe persuing my dream to be an entertainer, and auditioning for plays or broadway or TV or something. But Im too much of a pussy to make that first step. Ive got so much negative energy around me, Im just kinda meh.
I just wish I had some kind of direction. Some promise of where it would be okay to go. Theres so much uncertainty around graduation, and I certainly dont want to waste my time in the same place. I need to do something. I need something exciting. Maybe I should really look into taking a trip - with a small group. At least that way Id be able to achieve two things, travel and get closer to people. Id hate to go in a group of 2 though. Two is a couple, and just reminds me how much single I am. Plus its harder to meet anyone else if youre in a group of two.
Ive got alotta stuff floating around in me. I should write a song about it. Once BC is back in session I should try and hit the recording studio. I wish I knew someone who played an instrument well though..well I do, but I wish I was friends enough with them to ask that kind of favor. Its time to start writing some lyrics. And hopefully Ill have some kind of photo from the shoot that wont make me look horrific - though I doubt it. Ugh, If I could afford plastic surgery I SO would. Anywho, I should do something. Get some direction. Refocus.
Im going to audition for Jesus Hopped the A Train. It would be cool if I got in. Ive never done a dramatic role before. Belize from Angels hardly had any deep moments. I was the comedic relief. So it would be cool to see if I could actually pull it off. But I need a monologue before I start thinking too far ahead. Im also gonna auditon for the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. But Juergen is directing, and I already know he has his favorites. Hes got a huge man boner for like Seth and E Cole I think, though I know a lot of actors will be going for Twelfth Night. Oh well. All I can do is audition I guess.
Im actually ready for school to start.