Did You Say Retarded?
I can't remember what I was like before my daughter was born. She is about to turn twelve and lives with multiple special needs including a mild cognitive disability, a motor planning disorder called apraxia and an arachnoid cyst flattening her cerebellum. In our house we've always described her as Shirley Temple with issues. She is pure and innocent and brings an indescribable joy to everyone she encounters.
Before she was born I can't honestly say that hearing the word "retard" or the expression "that's retarded" would have bothered me much. I probably never gave it much thought. I just didn't know the pain it caused. That pain isn't just limited to the families of people with special needs. Many people living with cognitive disabilities also understand the word and how demeaning it is. Today whenever I hear the word, it is bound to give me a fever.
It seems as if I can't watch a movie or television show without hearing the word "retard." Is it possible that the people who write these words and the actors who say them have no idea how demeaning and hurtful they are to my daughter and all people living with special needs? I hear teenagers say it on the street, I hear grownups use it a dinner parties, I hear it in the supermarket. I usually just ignore the comments and end up being disappointed that I didn't speak up. Disappointed that I didn't say that it's not okay to take away the dignity of millions of people with a casual remark. The reason that I find it so hard to speak up is that I never wanted to offend the offender. Now I feel like I must use these opportunities as a way to teach people about the pain they cause when they use the word. I don't want to make this a free speech issue. Of course you have the right to use the word any time you wish, but why would you, knowing the pain it causes?
I've written plenty of letters and emails each time I heard the word "retard" used as slang. I saw Jon Stewart host a benefit for children with Autism. He didn't use the word "retard" in any of his monologue. The following week I saw him again at a different benefit that didn't involve special needs kids. It was there that I sat in horror while he told jokes about his "retarded" dog. Surely, Jon Stewart knows better, yet I've never gotten a response back from him. Then there's Bill Maher who is so comfortable calling people "retards" with no regard for how it affects the special needs population. Kathy Griffin calling Paris Hilton a "retard." Whatever you think of Paris Hilton, calling her a "retard" is just wrong. The word appears in kids movies all the time including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Speed Racer and even Nancy Drew. Don't the writers know that they are telling kids it's okay to use the word? And let's not forget my favorite Ben Stiller who hides behind his "it's only satire" comment in Tropic Thunder when he depicts people with intellectual disabilities as living lives not worthy of life.
If you go to popular sites such as amazon.com or cafepress.com and type in the "N" word you won't be able to purchase anything because that word goes against their terms of service. Yet, type in the word "retard" on either site and buy any offensive item you'd want including "Retards are Hot" tee-shirts. But that's mild compared to Cafepress.com, the worst offender out there with a choice of over 1600 products. Both sites refuse to remove the offensive material. I always thought that you didn't have to have a family member with special needs to know that slurs and stereotypes hurt. Guess not in this case.
So, I've now decided to speak up. It's hard to do because most people are only guilty of being ignorant of how hurtful the word "retard" is. I think it's important for all of us to speak up for those who can't defend themselves. Speak up for the most vulnerable of our society. It's important to make a difference, for my daughter and everyone else out there like her.
www.r-word.org
Before she was born I can't honestly say that hearing the word "retard" or the expression "that's retarded" would have bothered me much. I probably never gave it much thought. I just didn't know the pain it caused. That pain isn't just limited to the families of people with special needs. Many people living with cognitive disabilities also understand the word and how demeaning it is. Today whenever I hear the word, it is bound to give me a fever.
It seems as if I can't watch a movie or television show without hearing the word "retard." Is it possible that the people who write these words and the actors who say them have no idea how demeaning and hurtful they are to my daughter and all people living with special needs? I hear teenagers say it on the street, I hear grownups use it a dinner parties, I hear it in the supermarket. I usually just ignore the comments and end up being disappointed that I didn't speak up. Disappointed that I didn't say that it's not okay to take away the dignity of millions of people with a casual remark. The reason that I find it so hard to speak up is that I never wanted to offend the offender. Now I feel like I must use these opportunities as a way to teach people about the pain they cause when they use the word. I don't want to make this a free speech issue. Of course you have the right to use the word any time you wish, but why would you, knowing the pain it causes?
I've written plenty of letters and emails each time I heard the word "retard" used as slang. I saw Jon Stewart host a benefit for children with Autism. He didn't use the word "retard" in any of his monologue. The following week I saw him again at a different benefit that didn't involve special needs kids. It was there that I sat in horror while he told jokes about his "retarded" dog. Surely, Jon Stewart knows better, yet I've never gotten a response back from him. Then there's Bill Maher who is so comfortable calling people "retards" with no regard for how it affects the special needs population. Kathy Griffin calling Paris Hilton a "retard." Whatever you think of Paris Hilton, calling her a "retard" is just wrong. The word appears in kids movies all the time including Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Speed Racer and even Nancy Drew. Don't the writers know that they are telling kids it's okay to use the word? And let's not forget my favorite Ben Stiller who hides behind his "it's only satire" comment in Tropic Thunder when he depicts people with intellectual disabilities as living lives not worthy of life.
If you go to popular sites such as amazon.com or cafepress.com and type in the "N" word you won't be able to purchase anything because that word goes against their terms of service. Yet, type in the word "retard" on either site and buy any offensive item you'd want including "Retards are Hot" tee-shirts. But that's mild compared to Cafepress.com, the worst offender out there with a choice of over 1600 products. Both sites refuse to remove the offensive material. I always thought that you didn't have to have a family member with special needs to know that slurs and stereotypes hurt. Guess not in this case.
So, I've now decided to speak up. It's hard to do because most people are only guilty of being ignorant of how hurtful the word "retard" is. I think it's important for all of us to speak up for those who can't defend themselves. Speak up for the most vulnerable of our society. It's important to make a difference, for my daughter and everyone else out there like her.
www.r-word.org