I have to write something ! don't I ?
well,
it would be easier if I was living my life instead of just traveling through it. If I had enough emotional stamina to take a bite out of life instead of just smelling the aroma as I drifted past. but it hurts too much to get involved in life. I open myself up to love and because I am so lonely I get lost in love. I do not carry enough of my own internal sunshine to brighten the colors of the flowers all around me. I have the kind of life many would kill for and I am not happy in it. a little introspection on that and I scare myself with the thoughts that go through my head. If you are reading this, you followed me from one of the depression groups on line so you know the scary things I speak of. how do I banish the negativity that permeates me. I count my blessings then I berate myself for not appreciating them. I see something beautiful or inspiring and bemoan the fact that I cannot share it with someone. I live alone so I can do as I please then spend hours wishing I had someone around who was smart enough to realize that I am my own worst critic and let up on the criticism and heap on the support. Diabetes and maturity have taken away my ability but not my desire for physical intimacy. sex has been a bane to my life and led to every misfortune in my life. it also led to the two greatest things in my life who will never read these words as i do not give my kids access. there is a thing call TMI.
why cant i just give up on the physical and accept that its gone??? I mean intellectually i know there is no rebuilding of pocket rockets, so give it up, stop looking for woman that spark me physically and look for that soul mate. I know there has to be another catherine out there that can win my heart and brain without worrying about an erection set shy a few pieces.
why do I always have to see the motivation behind what I feel. I know I am a bastard, thats a given it comes with the testicles, why do I have to see how much of a bastard I would be if I were to lower my values of honor and deny to myself and my beloved the love we could have.
I can not dwell anymore on what could have been and dream that there is still a chance for it to be again because for it to be possible tears would have to fall and they would not be mine. If I love her I can not wish that can I?? well I still do and that is why I am so morose. I do not like a me so selfish that I want something bad to happen to a woman I am supposed to love. but I also do not like the me so that is so emotionally unstable that I did not imagine the problem before falling in love with another mans woman.
may the wind be forever at your back and let the sun warm your face.
it would be easier if I was living my life instead of just traveling through it. If I had enough emotional stamina to take a bite out of life instead of just smelling the aroma as I drifted past. but it hurts too much to get involved in life. I open myself up to love and because I am so lonely I get lost in love. I do not carry enough of my own internal sunshine to brighten the colors of the flowers all around me. I have the kind of life many would kill for and I am not happy in it. a little introspection on that and I scare myself with the thoughts that go through my head. If you are reading this, you followed me from one of the depression groups on line so you know the scary things I speak of. how do I banish the negativity that permeates me. I count my blessings then I berate myself for not appreciating them. I see something beautiful or inspiring and bemoan the fact that I cannot share it with someone. I live alone so I can do as I please then spend hours wishing I had someone around who was smart enough to realize that I am my own worst critic and let up on the criticism and heap on the support. Diabetes and maturity have taken away my ability but not my desire for physical intimacy. sex has been a bane to my life and led to every misfortune in my life. it also led to the two greatest things in my life who will never read these words as i do not give my kids access. there is a thing call TMI.
why cant i just give up on the physical and accept that its gone??? I mean intellectually i know there is no rebuilding of pocket rockets, so give it up, stop looking for woman that spark me physically and look for that soul mate. I know there has to be another catherine out there that can win my heart and brain without worrying about an erection set shy a few pieces.
why do I always have to see the motivation behind what I feel. I know I am a bastard, thats a given it comes with the testicles, why do I have to see how much of a bastard I would be if I were to lower my values of honor and deny to myself and my beloved the love we could have.
I can not dwell anymore on what could have been and dream that there is still a chance for it to be again because for it to be possible tears would have to fall and they would not be mine. If I love her I can not wish that can I?? well I still do and that is why I am so morose. I do not like a me so selfish that I want something bad to happen to a woman I am supposed to love. but I also do not like the me so that is so emotionally unstable that I did not imagine the problem before falling in love with another mans woman.
may the wind be forever at your back and let the sun warm your face.