Mistakes We Make - Akame - PG
Title: Mistakes We Make
Authors: anamuan
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,474
Summary: Maybe you never got over your first love.
A/N: maya_morning and I decided it would be a fun idea to take a bit of dialogue and each write fic to it and then exchange them to see the different places two authors took the same starting point. This is that fic. (maya_morning's is over here).
Jin had hated Kame, for a while, but that came later. It wasn't, surprisingly, anything to do with the break-up; at least they were mature enough for that.
They hadn't, in all honesty, been mature enough for much else back then. They hadn't even exactly promised to be friends after--good, because they'd have broken it several times over if they had. But the coldness and animosity, that was all purely them, and none of their failed teenage romance.
Hate takes a long time to get over. It's too much anger, and too much hurt, and Jin and Kame clung to each other and scrabbled against each other in equal measures, each trying to do the other more damage than they sustained. Jin wasn't really proud of that, looking back, but it was the only thing he'd known to do at the time.
It made looking back before that, to when Jin and Kame were happy and together--or maybe just happy--difficult, like looking through that wavy glass they had on bathroom windows in America and trying to figure out what, exactly, was on the other side. You could say, 'Oh, that's a tree,' or 'That's the playhouse in the neighbour's back yard' because you could see blobs of green or the bright red of the plastic roof and you already knew what should be outside the window, but there was no way you'd be able to know if the neighbour's kids were playing in the tree, or if the trim by the playhouse window had finally been finished. Sometimes it was shocking when Jin came across photos from back then, inadvertantly memorialized in magazines and shop photos, and realized that he really had been in love.
It was just that he'd been so very young.
Kame had too, of course. Kame had been even younger. But Kame had also always been just a little less wild than Jin, a little more reserved, a little more--pragmatic, maybe. Even before he'd built his cold walls, even when he'd been young, and bright, and a kind of open innocent you only get by not being hurt enough to know better, he'd been a little calmer than Jin. More in control of himself.
Jin had been, he realized when he'd cleared away enough of the film of confusing leftover conflicting emotions from the years that came after, equal parts head over heels and terrified. Compared to that whirlwind, all the negative emotions from later at least seemed reassuringly straightforward. Kame had jumped into their nameless thing with a simple, honest love that Jin had had no way of understanding. Jin had loved him back, and had been ridiculously, disgustingly happily head-over-heels in love with him, but he also hadn't been ready for any of it.
In the end, Jin had let the fear drive him instead of the love. He hadn't broken things off, per se, since there wasn't really a thing you could name or end between them, but it had ended, and he had done it.
Jin rather suspected that he'd broken Kame's heart.
~~~
A few months after he'd broken it off with Kame, though at the time he hadn't been sure if he could call it 'breaking up' when they'd never called it 'dating' in the first place, Jin tried to take it back.
"I miss the way we were," he'd told Kame in a rare moment of honesty. It was hard to be vulnerable in the face of Kame's new-found detachment.
Kame had smiled at him softly, like sadness or regret. "I don't make the same mistakes twice, Jin," he'd said.
Jin tried smiling back, to show no hard feelings, to show he wasn't taken by surprise, to hide the hope he'd secretly been nursing. He wasn't sure how successful a smile it was. Jin never brought it up again, but maybe that was because everything else got in the way before he had a chance.
~~~
Jin wasn't sure how you went from loving someone, from being in love with them, to hating them in a few months time. He'd done it, and he still wasn't sure how you did.
It was Kame not being soft on him anymore if he was late to practice or pulled a stunt that could make the tabloids and ruffle management feathers. Kame probably wasn't being any harder on Jin that he was on all the other guys--certainly no harder than he was now on himself--but Jin had gotten used to a certain amount of slack and the suddenly tightened reins chafed at him. Besides, it wasn't as though Kame never did anything stupid of his own--he just cared more about not getting caught.
It was growing up and changing personalities--ones that didn't suit each other anymore. It was shit Jin did because he knew how to get under Kame's skin, and Kame's constantly irritated reactions to it. Even though Jin knew to expect it because he was bringing it onto himself, every verbal barb felt like a new rejection; they hurt more than they should have because, despite everything, his skin around Kame was thinner. It was Kame never quite approving of any of his girlfriends, as if he had that right.
It was solo parts and competition and Kame's damn diligent attitude that always mostly looked like sucking up to Jin. It was stress and how they never seemed to get ahead, even with the opportunities they got. It was individual success at the expense of the group, because maybe Jin had an ego too, but he'd never have gone off to do a solo debut without the rest of KAT-TUN, even as a temporary unit. That probably wasn't true, but the one-two combination of jealousy and betrayed abandonment had Jin believing it more than anything else, certainly more than reason, at the time.
Now, Jin....now he was maybe a little bit more mature. Or maybe he was a little bit more removed from the situation. They'd debuted. They'd had hit single after single and a variety show and their own solo projects. They'd had time--years. The time had given Jin some space for thought, some time to get over what had become blind resentment, habitual animosity; time to clear the tired old hatred away and to find that underneath, when it came to Kame things maybe weren't so different as all that after all.
He'd gotten over Kame a long ime ago. Girlfriends and boyfriends ago. Maybe you never got over your first love. Not even if you were both silly teenagers at the time, careless with knees and hearts. Not even if just about every experience since then told you it was a bad idea.
Maybe you never got over your first love; or maybe Jin just didn't want to, not with Kame.
~~~
Jin tried not to read too much into Kame's motivations. He knew he could drive himself crazy with second-guessing; and interpretation was just that--always open to more interpretation. When Kame smiled at him more often than usual, hovered a little closer than was normal, Jin had to fight down the half-forgotten instinctive reaction to reciprocate. He'd never quite kicked the habit, not even after all these years.
Now that he wasn't clinging to anger as a shield, he had less to distract him into resisting. He had to make a conscious effort, because Kame wasn't interested, and he wasn't interested because that ship had sailed a long time ago.
It was probably all the effort Jin put into pointedly not noticing how Kame was just a little closer than he had any need to be, particularly with the lack of audience or cameras. Jin always tried to put distance between them; it was a self defense mechanism, or maybe it was just left over from when he'd convinced himself that Kame meant everything he hated about the business, everything he never wanted to be. Kame had backed him up against a wall without any real effort, and Jin hadn't even really noticed it until Kame had boxed him in.
"What are you doing?" Jin asked, and it didn't come out the way he meant it to at all.
"I," Kame said, and then stopped, biting his lip. Moving in closer. Someone so slight shouldn't be able to loom, and Kame didn't exactly--he was just very present. He was something Jin couldn't possibly have missed, if he were being honest. Jin knew he wouldn't be able to break away from Kame; and that had nothing at all to do with size.
"I thought you didn't make the same mistakes twice," Jin said, hesitating, and wondering distractedly when he'd gotten his fingers tangled up in Kame's hair.
"This isn't the same mistake," Kame said against his lips, and kissed him.
Authors: anamuan
Pairing: Akame
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,474
Summary: Maybe you never got over your first love.
A/N: maya_morning and I decided it would be a fun idea to take a bit of dialogue and each write fic to it and then exchange them to see the different places two authors took the same starting point. This is that fic. (maya_morning's is over here).
Jin had hated Kame, for a while, but that came later. It wasn't, surprisingly, anything to do with the break-up; at least they were mature enough for that.
They hadn't, in all honesty, been mature enough for much else back then. They hadn't even exactly promised to be friends after--good, because they'd have broken it several times over if they had. But the coldness and animosity, that was all purely them, and none of their failed teenage romance.
Hate takes a long time to get over. It's too much anger, and too much hurt, and Jin and Kame clung to each other and scrabbled against each other in equal measures, each trying to do the other more damage than they sustained. Jin wasn't really proud of that, looking back, but it was the only thing he'd known to do at the time.
It made looking back before that, to when Jin and Kame were happy and together--or maybe just happy--difficult, like looking through that wavy glass they had on bathroom windows in America and trying to figure out what, exactly, was on the other side. You could say, 'Oh, that's a tree,' or 'That's the playhouse in the neighbour's back yard' because you could see blobs of green or the bright red of the plastic roof and you already knew what should be outside the window, but there was no way you'd be able to know if the neighbour's kids were playing in the tree, or if the trim by the playhouse window had finally been finished. Sometimes it was shocking when Jin came across photos from back then, inadvertantly memorialized in magazines and shop photos, and realized that he really had been in love.
It was just that he'd been so very young.
Kame had too, of course. Kame had been even younger. But Kame had also always been just a little less wild than Jin, a little more reserved, a little more--pragmatic, maybe. Even before he'd built his cold walls, even when he'd been young, and bright, and a kind of open innocent you only get by not being hurt enough to know better, he'd been a little calmer than Jin. More in control of himself.
Jin had been, he realized when he'd cleared away enough of the film of confusing leftover conflicting emotions from the years that came after, equal parts head over heels and terrified. Compared to that whirlwind, all the negative emotions from later at least seemed reassuringly straightforward. Kame had jumped into their nameless thing with a simple, honest love that Jin had had no way of understanding. Jin had loved him back, and had been ridiculously, disgustingly happily head-over-heels in love with him, but he also hadn't been ready for any of it.
In the end, Jin had let the fear drive him instead of the love. He hadn't broken things off, per se, since there wasn't really a thing you could name or end between them, but it had ended, and he had done it.
Jin rather suspected that he'd broken Kame's heart.
~~~
A few months after he'd broken it off with Kame, though at the time he hadn't been sure if he could call it 'breaking up' when they'd never called it 'dating' in the first place, Jin tried to take it back.
"I miss the way we were," he'd told Kame in a rare moment of honesty. It was hard to be vulnerable in the face of Kame's new-found detachment.
Kame had smiled at him softly, like sadness or regret. "I don't make the same mistakes twice, Jin," he'd said.
Jin tried smiling back, to show no hard feelings, to show he wasn't taken by surprise, to hide the hope he'd secretly been nursing. He wasn't sure how successful a smile it was. Jin never brought it up again, but maybe that was because everything else got in the way before he had a chance.
~~~
Jin wasn't sure how you went from loving someone, from being in love with them, to hating them in a few months time. He'd done it, and he still wasn't sure how you did.
It was Kame not being soft on him anymore if he was late to practice or pulled a stunt that could make the tabloids and ruffle management feathers. Kame probably wasn't being any harder on Jin that he was on all the other guys--certainly no harder than he was now on himself--but Jin had gotten used to a certain amount of slack and the suddenly tightened reins chafed at him. Besides, it wasn't as though Kame never did anything stupid of his own--he just cared more about not getting caught.
It was growing up and changing personalities--ones that didn't suit each other anymore. It was shit Jin did because he knew how to get under Kame's skin, and Kame's constantly irritated reactions to it. Even though Jin knew to expect it because he was bringing it onto himself, every verbal barb felt like a new rejection; they hurt more than they should have because, despite everything, his skin around Kame was thinner. It was Kame never quite approving of any of his girlfriends, as if he had that right.
It was solo parts and competition and Kame's damn diligent attitude that always mostly looked like sucking up to Jin. It was stress and how they never seemed to get ahead, even with the opportunities they got. It was individual success at the expense of the group, because maybe Jin had an ego too, but he'd never have gone off to do a solo debut without the rest of KAT-TUN, even as a temporary unit. That probably wasn't true, but the one-two combination of jealousy and betrayed abandonment had Jin believing it more than anything else, certainly more than reason, at the time.
Now, Jin....now he was maybe a little bit more mature. Or maybe he was a little bit more removed from the situation. They'd debuted. They'd had hit single after single and a variety show and their own solo projects. They'd had time--years. The time had given Jin some space for thought, some time to get over what had become blind resentment, habitual animosity; time to clear the tired old hatred away and to find that underneath, when it came to Kame things maybe weren't so different as all that after all.
He'd gotten over Kame a long ime ago. Girlfriends and boyfriends ago. Maybe you never got over your first love. Not even if you were both silly teenagers at the time, careless with knees and hearts. Not even if just about every experience since then told you it was a bad idea.
Maybe you never got over your first love; or maybe Jin just didn't want to, not with Kame.
~~~
Jin tried not to read too much into Kame's motivations. He knew he could drive himself crazy with second-guessing; and interpretation was just that--always open to more interpretation. When Kame smiled at him more often than usual, hovered a little closer than was normal, Jin had to fight down the half-forgotten instinctive reaction to reciprocate. He'd never quite kicked the habit, not even after all these years.
Now that he wasn't clinging to anger as a shield, he had less to distract him into resisting. He had to make a conscious effort, because Kame wasn't interested, and he wasn't interested because that ship had sailed a long time ago.
It was probably all the effort Jin put into pointedly not noticing how Kame was just a little closer than he had any need to be, particularly with the lack of audience or cameras. Jin always tried to put distance between them; it was a self defense mechanism, or maybe it was just left over from when he'd convinced himself that Kame meant everything he hated about the business, everything he never wanted to be. Kame had backed him up against a wall without any real effort, and Jin hadn't even really noticed it until Kame had boxed him in.
"What are you doing?" Jin asked, and it didn't come out the way he meant it to at all.
"I," Kame said, and then stopped, biting his lip. Moving in closer. Someone so slight shouldn't be able to loom, and Kame didn't exactly--he was just very present. He was something Jin couldn't possibly have missed, if he were being honest. Jin knew he wouldn't be able to break away from Kame; and that had nothing at all to do with size.
"I thought you didn't make the same mistakes twice," Jin said, hesitating, and wondering distractedly when he'd gotten his fingers tangled up in Kame's hair.
"This isn't the same mistake," Kame said against his lips, and kissed him.