Life For Rent: Time Will Tell - PG-13, KoyamaPi; RyoShige
title: Time Will Tell
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairings: Koyama/YamaPi, Ryo/Shige
rating: PG-13
word count: 8,583 words
summary: AU Future. Continuation of "Easier Said Than Done". Koyama and YamaPi are the in same city now, but there is still a great distance between them.
author's notes: see here.
"…heyyyyy, Ryo-chaaaan… Why won't'cha tell meeeee?" YamaPi whined as the doors of the elevator opened.
Ryo and Shige stumbled out into the quiet hallway of the apartment building first, expecting YamaPi to follow them out, but when he did not, they frantically dragged him out before the doors shut on him.
"Tell you what?" Ryo returned, exhausted, having listened to his friend babble and whine the entire night away. He had already tried not answering him at all, but it turned out that YamaPi only asked his questions repeatedly when ignored, which ended up being even more annoying.
"Tell me where Keiiiiii-chaaaaan is!" YamaPi leaned on Ryo, chin resting heavily on his shoulder, looking into Ryo's face with begging eyes and an unfocused gaze.
Ryo glanced over at Shige, who was on the other side of YamaPi making sure he didn't fall over. Shige simply shook his head. "I don't know, Pi."
Despite being spectacularly drunk, YamaPi apparently was aware enough to recognize Ryo's lie, the same lie he had been telling all night long. "LIAAAAR!" he slurred loudly, pushing off Ryo harshly and staggering back into Shige. Then, as if startled by his own voice, he continued in a softer tone. "…you have to know."
Shige didn't have to look at YamaPi to know that he was frowning, the lines drawn out on his face, showing all the hurt that the famous and well-loved idol had quietly endured over the years. No one ever really saw him that way of course. With practice, the idol who could not smile had mastered the art of smiling for the camera to perfection. And it was on nights like this-nights when he watched YamaPi crumble into this drunk and broken mess of a person-that Shige found himself grateful that he had escaped that life before he had been drawn in too deep.
As Ryo headed over and opened their door, Shige took YamaPi's arm and braced it against his shoulders, helping him out of the corridor and into the apartment.
"…hey, Shige-chan?"
"Hmm?" Shige glanced up, having already stepped out of his shiny loafers and noting that YamaPi had also kicked off his sandals. The two together stepped out of entrance and into the living room.
Once they were far enough into the room, YamaPi eased his arm off Shige's shoulders and braced himself against the sofa before collapsing face forward into the soft cushions. "Kei-chan's in Tokyo now, right?"
YamaPi's voice was muffled, but Shige was standing close enough to make out the question. "He is."
"Then, why?"
"He got transferred-"
"NOOOO!" YamaPi rolled over onto his back, one arm pressed against his eyes, the other splayed against the back of the sofa. "I want to know why he won't answer my calls or reply to my messages. Why he won't talk to me, why he won't meet me! If anyone would know, you would, Shige-chan."
Shige shrugged out of his suit jacket and collapsed onto the nearby chair with an inaudible sigh. Sure, he knew. He had known everything before YamaPi really. Despite all that time and distance, Koyama had felt he could still confide in Shige. Enough to tell where he was living (just a few blocks away from his office, in Ichigaya), how he was doing (a short text message from him every couple of days or so had become not so uncommon), and that he just was not ready to confront YamaPi yet-to put himself out there and allow himself to be the vulnerable one.
So yes, he did know. He just couldn't tell YamaPi what he wanted to hear, longed to know. It was not his place to say. At the same time though, Shige didn't think he could lie to YamaPi either. Not to the drunk, desperate YamaPi in his apartment, crying out for answers as he tried to make sense of it all.
"Hey, Pi," Ryo called gruffly, coming from the kitchen with a tall glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. "Drink this and go to sleep already. You're supposed to be on the morning news tomorrow; Kawano-san will kill me if you show up looking like shit."
As Ryo handed off the hangover remedy to YamaPi, he shot Shige a short glance and Shige quickly read it, understanding that moment as his escape out of the conversation. He stood up, and swiftly crossed the living room, finding refuge from YamaPi's difficult questions in the bedroom.
His disappearance failed to go unnoticed by YamaPi however, and Shige could hear the conversation in the next room as he hung up his jacket in the closet.
"Huh? Where'd Shige go?"
"He's tired, Pi. We're both tired; it's been a long day."
"Has it? I can't tell anymore. It just feels like a long forever."
Shige's fingers curled tightly around the wooden hanger at YamaPi's words and he couldn't help but frown.
*~*~*
It had been quite some time since Koyama had last been to karaoke. (And even then, he hadn't really done any singing as he had been with YamaPi and it had been two weeks since they'd last seen each other; idols couldn't exactly walk into a love hotel in the middle of the day after all.)
It used to be something he had loved-the camaraderie, the drinking, the cheering-but now karaoke only reminded him of what he wasn't anymore. He didn't sing songs that would be on the lips of millions. Now, he was just a sales coordinator for a travel agency. Hardly as big or glamorous as being an idol had been.
So when he ended up getting dragged to karaoke by his colleagues after his welcome celebration dinner, he was a bit overwhelmed. Nothing was quite the same as it had been before, and he wasn't sure how to take in the changes. Koyama thought he had adjusted quite well to Tokyo within the three weeks since his return, but it was in that karaoke box, as he watched everyone sing and enjoy themselves around him, that he realized that there were still some things he couldn't get used to.
Excusing himself to the restroom just before his turn came up, Koyama walked down the corridors of flimsy doors-he was pretty sure he heard a group of girls singing "Seishun Amigo" behind one of them-until he came to the staircase. There he sat down with a long sigh, removing his tie and stuffing it into his pocket. In the process of doing that, his fingers stumbled across his cell phone and he pulled that out. Flipping it open, he searched through his rather small address book before he found the number he had been looking for and dialed. It took three rings for someone to pick up.
"Hello? Koyama?"
Koyama blinked. Sure it was late and he was tired, but he knew that he had dialed Shige's number. "Nishikido-san…?" he awkwardly asked.
He heard Ryo click his tongue at him over the line. "You need to stop this 'Nishikido-san' crap, really. It's getting really annoying."
Koyama ignored his comment, not really wanting to deal with the finer subtleties of what they called each other on the stairs of a karaoke place. "I wasn't expecting you to answer."
"Shige's in the shower right now," Ryo offered as explanation. "It was you, so I thought I would answer; we were planning on calling you anyway."
"You were?"
There was a slight pause, and Koyama wondered if Ryo was actually choosing his words; the Ryo he had known had never been one for delicacy. "Koyama, why haven't you called Pi yet?"
An answer was rolling off his lips before he could even completely process the question. "I've been busy. It's the middle of the summer travel season and a lot of companies are asking us for special discount trip packages for their employees and then I've had to hold introduction meetings with all of our clients-"
"I get it. You're busy. We're all busy. Shige's in the middle of a pretty big sexual harassment case, I'm planning for Kanjani8's fall tour, Pi's up to his eyeballs in promotion work for his new single and finishing his drama, but that's not what I asked you. I asked why you haven't called Pi yet; you've been getting his messages at work at least, right?"
Koyama was momentarily speechless. Ryo still knew how to get to the heart of the matter, no wasted words. All he had wanted to do was to call Shige (to hear a familiar voice), but instead found himself at the receiving end of Ryo's pointed inquiries. Koyama gripped his cell phone tighter, resisting the urge to hang up. The running had to stop.
Luckily for him, at that moment, it seemed that Shige returned as he could faintly make out an exchange between Ryo and Shige before the line was turned over. "Kei?"
Koyama let out the breath he had unknowingly been holding in. "Shige?"
"Yeah, it's me," Shige returned. "Sorry about Ryo. He's just kind of…excited."
"Excited?"
"Yamashita-kun is dead drunk on our couch right now."
"Pi?"
"The drinking is normal, but the fact that he was babbling all night about you wasn't," Shige explained. "He's getting pretty desperate, Kei. He knows you're in Tokyo and he knows where, but he can't see you and he doesn't understand why. He was even begging for your apartment address."
It was incredibly surreal hearing all this as he sat on these stairs with someone badly singing what he was sure was Hirai Ken's "POPSTAR" in the nearest karaoke box, but Koyama knew that Shige had no reason to be lying to him. "My apartment address?" He continued to repeat Shige's words back at him, dumbfounded.
"Don't worry, I didn't give it to him or anything, but don't you think it's time you maybe returned his calls or even met with him just once?"
Koyama had received every message YamaPi had left on his work voicemail, but had not listened to a single one. All the courier messages that he had sent over, Koyama had made one of the girls in the office sign for them and then stuffed them all at the bottom of his desk drawer. When he had heard some of his colleagues talking about a strange guy waiting in the downstairs lobby of the building, wearing a beanie and sunglasses even though it was the middle of summer, he had made sure to use the private employee exit instead of the usual front entrance to leave.
He supposed if he told Shige all this (never mind Ryo), he might get accused of running away again, but Koyama hardly saw it that way. It sort of made him sound like some middle school girl struggling to find the right away to confess to her crush, but he was honestly biding his time and preparing himself. Koyama wanted to be ready-for what exactly, he wasn't even all that sure, but he just wanted to be ready.
Koyama leaned his head against the faded yellow wall and sighed once more. "I don't know if I'm ready yet."
"Is there ever anything we're totally and completely ready for?" Shige's sympathetic voice set Koyama at ease. "Try, Kei. You might surprise yourself."
*~*~*
It was the squeal-the high-pitched one that usually meant a fangirl had been rendered speechless-that set Koyama off.
Like everyone else in the office who had heard the sound he glanced over to the door to see a wide-eyed Kuroda-san, struggling to hold onto her watering can that she had been using to water the large potted offices plants with. Next to her was Ryo, his sunglasses hardly hiding his identity, trying to quiet and calm her down.
Koyama sighed and stood up from his desk. Well, he was in Tokyo now. It was not like he had not been expecting this.
Pointedly ignoring everyone's eyes on him, he walked across the office and then past Ryo, out into the hallway. "Let's go downstairs and talk," Koyama suggested, pressing on the elevator call button as he turned back toward Ryo.
Ryo wordlessly nodded and complied, leaving the startled girl to cope with her surprise meeting with the idol and joining Koyama before the elevators. He understood Koyama's want for privacy and thus, did not say anything until they were safely on the elevator down, doors shut tightly behind them.
"I can't stay long," he offered, shoving his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, leaning on the wooden bar that ran along the inside of the otherwise sterile metal elevator. "I was just over at NTV in Kojimachi and had some extra time."
"I won't talk long either," Koyama returned, a little more clipped than he really had wanted to be. But after their last conversation, he still felt like he was on the defensive when it came to Ryo.
The elevator arrived at the spacious ground floor lobby of the office building and Koyama stepped out, leading Ryo over to the large waiting area of chairs, tables and sofas arranged near the front of the lobby, against the large glass windows that revealed the happenings of Shinjuku Street that afternoon.
Ryo sat hunched, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. He was clearly in hiding mode. Koyama sat straight, hands clasped politely in his lap. He was still at work after all, with an image to uphold.
"…look, I'm sorry about the other night on the phone. It's just you know how Pi can get." Ryo sighed, glancing at the people walking through the lobby around them, a few staring oddly as his overly casual attire stood out in the formal business environment. "And I really do think you should see him and talk to him. I know last time he kind of ambushed you, so maybe this time, you should see him on your own terms."
Koyama watched as Ryo reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a piece of paper. He unfolded it and then held it out. "What is it?" Koyama asked before he had gotten a good look at the print on the face.
"A present from me and Shige." When Koyama hesitantly took it from his fingers, Ryo continued. "It's a pass to Domoto Kyoudai filming. Pi's going to be on Thursday night. I thought you could use it."
"I told Shige that I wasn't ready," Koyama maintained, staring down at the pass like a foreign object he hadn't the slightest clue what to do with.
"Somehow, I doubt that," Ryo returned, finally removing his sunglasses and looking straight at Koyama with piercing brown eyes that managed to be kind and yet unrelenting. "You may think you're not, but you are. Everything you've done so far has been preparing you for it. That pass, it practically has your name written on it."
"Oh really?" Despite his unease, Koyama was struggling to hold back a chuckle at Ryo's uncharacteristic, saccharine-dipped words.
Ryo, of course, noticed and simply rolled his eyes. "Shige told me to say that, okay? So go ahead and laugh. But that doesn't make it wrong, you know. Just go, Koyama. The both of you only stand to benefit at this point."
*~*~*
He honestly had not been intending to go. He did not think he would have the time on a Thursday night. Sure, work ended at five, but he normally pulled three more hours of overtime on top of that-two hours if it was a light day-and by the time Koyama finished, the variety show would have already started recording. Even if he had wanted to go, it would have been utterly impossible. (He thought about giving the pass to Kuroda-san; she looked like she might be a YamaPi fan.)
But then Thursday came around and things were hardly normal.
When he arrived in the morning, the computer servers had already been down for two hours due to a malfunction in the cooling system with no estimated time as to when they would be back up and running. Until noon, he and his entire staff of agents were sifting through printouts and calling up various customers, profusely apologizing for their inability to attend to their needs. Grabbing a meager salmon onigiri on the way out of the office for lunch, Koyama then spent the entire afternoon going to their biggest customers and personally apologizing for the inconveniences caused in person. That only took five hours of his time, darting in and out of taxis all across the city as to accommodate schedules and attend appropriately to every customer. By the time he returned to the office, he was completely exhausted. But for all his efforts, he had been allowed to leave early for the day.
Pondering a long soak in the ofuro, Koyama went to lock up his desk and as he did so, he noticed the pass nestled in his drawer next to a dish of paper clips. General seating started at seven and recording indeed started at eight. If he caught a taxi, he could easily make it there in good time.
One minute, he was thinking about the feasibility of it all, and the next thing Koyama knew, he was knocking on YamaPi's dressing room door after having sat through the entire recording of his appearance on Domoto Kyoudai. And at that point, there definitely was no turning back.
When no one replied to his knock, Koyama pondered going home all together. He could vaguely hear muffled voices through the door and for all he knew, YamaPi could already be preparing for his next job; he was a busy super idol after all. After thirty seconds or so though, the door cracked open to reveal Koichi. "…eh? Is that Koyama?"
"Koichi-kun, it has been a long time," Koyama formally greeted, easily falling into old habits with his former jimusho senpai.
Koichi was obviously still surprised at the sight of Koyama in front of him. "Oi!" He called back into the dressing room. "Yamashita! Did you know that Koyama was here?"
After a moment, the dressing room door fully opened, revealing a rather laid back-looking YamaPi drinking from a water bottle. "I did," he replied, looking to his senpai before turning to Koyama, something unreadable in his eyes. "He was in the audience during recording. Didn't you notice, Koichi-kun?"
"Not really."
"I was in the bleachers, near the top," Koyama explained. "I'm surprised Yamashita-kun noticed me even." Even though he was focused on Koichi, Koyama caught YamaPi twitching just the tiniest bit out of the corner of his eye.
"It's hard to see faces from that far away," Koichi agreed. "But what have you been doing since you left the jimusho? It's been, what, five years now, right? You look well!"
Quickly reaching into his pocket for his business card holder, Koyama slipped one out and politely handed it over to Koichi. "I'm working at a travel agency as a sales coordinator-"
"Oh! Isn't this the same company Sakamoto-kun used to work for before V6?"
Koyama nodded. "It was thanks to Sakamoto-kun's connections I was able to join the company."
Koichi continued to ask him a few more questions-What was life like after idolhood? Was he married yet?-and Koyama, always and forever the obedient kouhai, indulged him with answers, all the while noting the quiet YamaPi off to the side, staring rather intently at him.
It was only when Koichi excused himself, leaving the two to themselves-YamaPi standing on the inside of the open doorway and Koyama on the outside-that they finally spoke directly to one another.
"'Yamashita-kun', huh?" YamaPi spoke, his voice low so as to not draw attention. "I can't remember the last time you called me that."
"Neither can I," Koyama agreed. After a beat, he added, "I got a pass from Shige and…Ryo."
YamaPi gave a small smile and moved out of the doorway. "Come in."
Koyama followed him into the room, stepping out of his loafers and onto the tatami. "You actually saw me all the way in the back?"
YamaPi nodded, shutting the door behind them. "I did. If anything, you were hard to miss." He reached over and tugged lightly on the lapel of Koyama's simple black suit. "You were the only one dressed like this."
Koyama fidgeted, glancing down at his work attire and then smoothing a hand over the lapel YamaPi had touched. "Sorry," he instinctively apologized.
"Why are you apologizing?"
"This was all last minute. I hadn't been planning on coming, but then-"
"Are you hungry?" YamaPi abruptly offered, effectively silencing Koyama's nervous babbling.
"Hungry?"
"Have you eaten yet?" YamaPi reiterated, slipping his cell phone out of his pocket and glancing at the time. "I haven't had dinner yet, and I'm done for the night. So, I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat."
"…where were you thinking?"
YamaPi flashed another smile, wider and more confident. "A good place to talk."
*~*~*
It was a-hole-in-the-wall kind of place. The kind of place that was easily overlooked in the hustle of Shinjuku's night life, with the gay bars, host clubs, and high-class restaurants pulling in the crowds that spilled out of the east exit of the train station. The kind of place that did not need to reach into those crowds, satisfying its regular customers with its perfectly boiled edamame, tasty yakitori, and large mugs of beer. The kind of place where the wait staff and the cook knew your face and your usual order, but never pried beyond that.
It was their place.
As Koyama followed YamaPi down the worn stairs into the establishment, he found himself almost reaching out to press his palm against the familiar brick wall, wanting to indeed make sure it was the same place and that not a single brick had changed. Every part was imprinted with a memory of them in his mind. When YamaPi pulled open the door causing the usual bells wrapped around the knob to ring and they stepped inside, Koyama was overwhelmed.
Their first toast over mugs of overflowing beer to celebrate YamaPi's first week at the top of the Oricon charts with his solo debut. Making out sloppily, drunkenly in the back when they were sure no one was looking. Falling all over each other on the stairs on their way out to make the first train of the morning and laughing endlessly. Their last shared yakitori together the night before Countdown. (Had Koyama known it would be their last he would have insisted that YamaPi share more of his favorite yakitori and finished his mug of beer down to the final bubble.)
Since it was late on a Thursday night, the bar was pretty empty and they pulled up two stools. "Two plates of yakitori and beer to start?" the waitress confirmed, and Koyama recognized her as one of the older staff from before when they used to frequent the place.
YamaPi gave a grunt and a nod, sipping from the small glass of water that had been set before him and then wiping his hands on the moist towel also provided. "I still come here sometimes," he said once the waitress had gone away.
"It's a good place," Koyama offered, folding his own towel and setting it aside. "Bringing your girlfriends here-"
"I come here by myself," YamaPi clarified, not even allowing Koyama to finish his thought. "I'm pretty sure that Jin doesn't even know this place exists."
The yakitori arrived and soon after, their beers. The silence between them this time was filled with the sound of eating and the background hum of the other customers in the izakaya. Koyama was calmed by those familiar sounds; it took away from the pressure and need to fill the space between them. He honestly had no idea as to what he should say or what he should do. Before, he had been trying to so hard to keep YamaPi out of his life and just away. And now? He didn't even really know what he was doing.
Luckily, YamaPi sensed Koyama's confusion as well. "What'd you think of the performance?" he asked casually.
"Performance?" Koyama paused for a moment and then remembered what they had been doing before coming here. Domoto Kyoudai. He was talking about the performance on Domoto Kyoudai. "It was nice, but kind of sad. I'm used to hearing more upbeat songs from you."
YamaPi didn't hide his surprise at Koyama's comment. "You've actually listened to my other stuff?"
"It was kind of unavoidable," Koyama admitted, biting off a piece of chicken. "You did the tie-up song for the JR summer campaign and I'm a travel agent. I swear, every time I called the JR reservation hotline that summer, 'SUMMER TIME' was always the music when they put me on hold." He looked down into his mug of beer before taking a hearty swig. "Everything about you is kind of unavoidable in the end, Pi."
"…you're talking about the phone calls now."
"And the courier messages," Koyama added pointedly. "How many times did you actually show up at the building?"
"Only twice…wait. How did you know?" YamaPi had the tip of a finished wooden skewer in his mouth and was nibbling on its end.
Koyama smiled softly and shook his head. "Pi, you were acting like a stalker skulking around the lobby, and even looked like one with the beanie and the sunglasses. You attracted attention and people talk. Frankly, I'm surprised security didn't escort you out."
"Actually, the second time, they did after a half-hour."
"You didn't tell them you were the famous idol Yamashita Tomohisa?"
"If I had, I think they would've called the police on me or something."
"No, they wouldn't," Koyama maintained.
YamaPi nodded, snagging another stick of yakitori. "But I knew you wouldn't have appreciated it, so I just left."
Just then, their waitress wordlessly brought around a bowl of edamame and for a split second, Koyama felt like he had come home; he used to always order edamame after the first round of yakitori. "I wasn't ready," he returned rather vaguely, reaching out and grabbing some of the snack food.
YamaPi didn't ask for any elaboration. He didn't really need any. He remembered the Koyama from the last time they had met, and how it had already been a big deal that Koyama had even listened to him then, let alone let YamaPi spend the night in his apartment. "What about now?"
"I still don't think I'm ready." Koyama had already eaten the beans, and yet he was still pressing down on the empty pod, seemingly comforted by the repetitive action.
"I just want to be your friend, Kei," YamaPi expressed earnestly, setting his unfinished skewer aside and looking at Koyama head on. "And I want you to be mine. I don't think I can ask for anything else right now."
"Do you want anything else from me, Pi?"
"I only want what you want. And somehow, I don't think that you would be sitting with me here if you didn't at least want to be my friend."
Koyama held YamaPi's intense gaze for a moment, before breaking away and looking down at the fuzzy, green pod pinched between his fingers. "I want to try to make things right." He spoke after a long moment. "And maybe being friends might be the first step."
YamaPi softly smiled. "We can give it a try."
*~*~*
When the elevators opened and YamaPi saw a slightly winded Koyama emerge from them, he stood up and gave a short wave. Koyama quickly caught sight of him and jogged across the busy lobby over to where he had been waiting. "Busy day?" YamaPi offered with a grin once Koyama was in earshot.
"It's always busy," Koyama returned with sigh. "Sorry. Did you wait long?"
"Not really," YamaPi ambiguously lied. Truthfully, he had been about fifteen minutes early for their initial lunch meeting because his set of morning interviews had finished up faster than he had expected, and that was not even counting when Koyama pushed back lunch fifteen minutes for work. So really, he had been sitting there in the lobby waiting area for about thirty minutes, the entire time just a little worried that security would come by and escort him out of the building again. "Besides, I don't have any meetings until three, so I have plenty of time."
"Oh good."
The two of them stood there for an awkward moment, Koyama removing his work badge and stuffing it into pocket and YamaPi glancing around at the people walking through the lobby, a few looking in their direction. "So…what did you have in mind?"
"Hmm?" Koyama arched his eyebrow slightly.
"Lunch," YamaPi prompted. "Where are we going for lunch?"
"Oh yeah!" Koyama chuckled nervously. "Well, you know this area better than me I would think, since I've only been here a month. Do you know a place?"
"I do, but they're all more down toward Shinjuku." YamaPi pushed back his black bangs out of his face, where they had been hanging in front of his sunglasses. "I actually wanted to go somewhere you normally eat."
Koyama hesitated for a moment, biting lightly on his lower lip. "Are you sure? I mean, I usually just go to the ramen place down the street. It's standing space only and it's not exactly the most amazing taste ever, but it usually is good enough when I don't have a lot of time to spare."
YamaPi nodded. "That's perfect."
*~*~*
For a month, it was really good.
An occasional lunch in Yotsuya when YamaPi was in the area. Quick cups of coffee shared in the tiny, upscale cafés of Aoyama or Ebisu if Koyama was out and about visiting clients. Beers in Shinjuku on Thursday nights had become habitual. When they couldn't meet, messages about how their days had gone and random tidbits about out-of-the-ordinary experiences filled their cell phone inboxes.
Koyama thought it was going really well. The more they met, the more they talked, the more the walls of resistance came tumbling down and Koyama began to see YamaPi for who he was now rather than the image he had created over the years. And as being with YamaPi became normal and comfortable, Koyama began falling into old habits. His eyes would linger longer than necessary on YamaPi's lips when he drank from his coffee cup. Sometimes, he would find himself distracted at work, anticipating the next meeting they'd have. And already on more than one occasion, Koyama had caught himself leaning in too close to YamaPi after a few too many beers.
He finally felt ready.
Or so he thought.
The gossip magazine banner advertisements that hung from the ceiling of the trains were always so busy and bright. The names of famous people in bolded characters and clashing colors so that they stood out from each other and caught the average passenger's wandering eye. That former child actress was caught coming out of a love hotel! Pictures of that famous baseball pitcher in a threesome! That high-level executive caught red-handed in an embezzlement scheme! Yamashita Tomohisa spending the night at Aragaki Yui's apartment!
Koyama's eyes that had been moving across the banner, reading each outrageous headline after the other and knowing that a good portion of them were flimsy truths created to sell magazines, suddenly stopped at the sight of YamaPi's name. With Aragaki Yui's.
He knew of Aragaki Yui. He vaguely remembered meeting her once around the time she was doing My Boss My Hero with Tegoshi right before NEWS broke up. She had been pretty, but kind of shy. He had heard her name in conjunction with YamaPi's before too. They had done a few dramas together a few years back, but Koyama couldn't recall which ones. She apparently was a big star now if her name ending up in the gossip magazines meant anything.
As Koyama passed the newsstand on his way out of the train station back to work, he resisted the urge to pick up the magazine in question. It was a bunch of lies, he knew that. But then again, all those whispered conversations he had heard in the office from the girls over the years about YamaPi's various scandals made him doubt what he knew. He wanted to believe in YamaPi. He really did.
But he was scared to believe.
*~*~*
"Aragaki Yui, huh?" Koyama withdrew his spoon from his latte and set it down on the saucer with a soft clink.
YamaPi's fingers tightened around the mug he was about to drink from. "You saw it?"
Koyama stared into his cup, watching the drink continue to spin in a counter-clockwise manner. "Did you really expect me not to?"
"No one told you, did they?" YamaPi set down his mug and glanced at Koyama, but Koyama would not meet his eyes.
"Does it matter if someone told me or if I found out myself?"
"It matters."
Koyama sighed. His hand that rested beneath the table gripped his knee tightly. "What matters is if it's true, Pi."
There was a long moment in which YamaPi was silent while Koyama took a large gulp from his latte, nearly downing the entire thing in one go. "I meant everything I said, Kei. I want what you want. Whatever you want, I want too. Really."
"Do you know what I want now?"
"...we're not together anymore. The pictures, they're from the night we broke up. That's over now."
"You've been together this entire time though." Koyama struggled to keep his voice in check and it trembled slightly. "I thought you had wanted to try to make this work. And maybe I wanted to try too..."
"But I've been waiting," YamaPi reasoned, his voice hushed so as not to draw attention but still fervent. "I've been waiting for you. You said you wanted to be friends. So we're friends right now. Everything I've been doing, I've been doing for you, Kei."
"How was dating Aragaki Yui for my sake, Pi?" Koyama shook his bowed head. "You were practically stalking me, chasing me everywhere and yet, you were still dating her. God, this is like history repeating itself."
YamaPi frowned, biting down hard on his lower lip. "I just wanted to make you shine again. I wanted to give you everything that you had before. Everything that should be yours." The words were coming out, but at this point, he recognized the futility of the situation.
"I never said I wanted that stuff, Pi. I'm not that person anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore." Koyama stood up from his chair. "I can't do this. Not again. And I think you know that."
Koyama left, and YamaPi didn't move to stop him.
*~*~*
Before leaving his apartment the next morning, a small suitcase at his side, Koyama turned on his cell phone that he had shut off yesterday and checked for any new messages.
Twenty-five new messages.
And twenty of them were from YamaPi.
Koyama didn't even dare to check his voice mail.
Instead, he just turned the phone back off, set it on the kitchen counter, and left.
*~*~*
"I am an asshole."
Jin blinked at YamaPi standing on the other side of his apartment door. "This is a change of pace."
YamaPi didn't wait to be invited in, instead edging past Jin in the doorway and wandering into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer, popping the top and downing the cheap alcohol almost desperately. After a moment, he set the can of half-empty beer aside, wincing. "God, that was gross. Why do you keep this crap in your fridge anyway, Jin?"
Jin merely shook his head, standing on the opposite side of the kitchen counter. "...Koyama found out, didn't he?"
"Of course he did. It's plastered all over the tabloid magazines. Hard to miss." YamaPi didn't look at Jin. Instead, he glared at the appalling beer can, blaming it for the shitty beer and so much more.
"I'm surprised you didn't deny it."
"To Koyama or to the tabloids?"
"Koyama. The jimusho already covered for your ass and denied it as did LesPros for Yui-chan."
YamaPi nodded distractedly, his mind clearly somewhere else. "You know, I wanted so badly to apologize. To say I'm sorry and just beg for forgiveness. He had been opening up; I could feel it. Like maybe he was ready to try us again. But I couldn't."
"What'd you say instead?"
"That everything I had done was for his sake."
Jin grimaced, making no efforts to hide it from his best friend. "You really are an asshole."
YamaPi looked up and rolled his eyes, but he was hardly defensive. All those times before, he hadn't wanted to believe Jin was right. Now that he recognized it himself, he couldn't very well deny it. "I know. That's why I said so. You were right."
"I think I would've been happier if you weren't an asshole, Pi." Jin's eyes followed YamaPi as he exited the kitchen (leaving his can of crappy beer behind) and settled himself on Jin's plush white sofa, drawing his knees up to his chin. "I take it that Koyama didn't react well."
"I haven't heard from him for about four days now." YamaPi rested his arms across the tops of his knees. "I sent him a bunch of messages the first day, but when he didn't reply, I just stopped. I was getting kind of stalkerish."
"I think you were already there, Pi," Jin scoffed, plopping down next to YamaPi. "I mean, you were waiting for him at work."
"...fine. I'll admit I was a stalker. Fuck, I'll even admit that I was crazy for a few years there." YamaPi threw his head back against the sofa cushions, staring at the blank ceiling. "But that's what Koyama does to me. What he's been doing to me for years. I can't just let that go."
"Are you telling me that you want to be crazy for the indeterminable future?"
YamaPi turned toward his best friend and rolled his eyes once more. "What I'm telling you is that no matter how fucked up our relationship is, how much it's screwed us both up, I still want Koyama. Because all we've been is screwed up and god, I know there's more to it than that. No one pines for something that's all broken and messed up."
"Masochists do."
"You would know, filling your refrigerator with that crap pretending to be beer." YamaPi mocked with the slightest grin tugging on his lips. He closed his eyes, allowing a short silence to settle before releasing a peaceful sigh. "I feel like I've been experiencing this huge, prolonged epiphany over the past four days. It's kind of been amazing."
Jin nodded, quietly smiling. "I can tell." And he really could. It was like the wall that YamaPi had put up over the years had been completely shattered and Jin was seeing his best friend for the first time, again. "So what has your epiphany been doing for you other than making you realize your asshole ways?"
YamaPi took a moment to sit up on the sofa properly, dropping his feet to rest on the carpeted floor. "I don't think I can try to fix this anymore, Jin," he admitted. His voice hardly sounded defeated however. Instead, he sounded thoughtful. "I've been chasing after this idea of somehow buying forgiveness from Koyama. That in giving him back everything that he once had, I could get his forgiveness in return. But what if all the things I've been trying to give him, he's never wanted in the first place? And there's never actually been anything to forgive in the first place?"
"If you can't fix it then, Pi, what do you do? What you have now doesn't work. It's messed up. You said it yourself."
"Start over, I guess. From scratch."
*~*~*
"Are you actually taking me to the Johnny's Shop?"
Shige shot Koyama a funny look as they continued down the narrow street of small office buildings in the heart of Osaka's Shinsaibashi. "What are you talking about? We're going to eat ramen, stupid."
Koyama pointed his briefcase in the general direction of a windowed building on the right side of the street. "You could've fooled me."
Shige turned toward where Koyama had gestured and right away noticed the bright pink and red logo hiding inside the otherwise darkened store. "It's closed. Unless you have this overwhelming urge to break into the store."
"No, I'm fine, thanks; I came to Osaka for work, not to get thrown in jail." Koyama rolled his eyes as the two of them slowly came to a stop before the empty store normally overflowing with girls of various ages. Through the windows, he could see the walls coated in pictures, but couldn't make out the images themselves. He momentarily pondered which wall was YamaPi's. "Have you ever been inside?"
"Ryo's been in there once; he got dared by the other Kanjani8 members to go in and buy a picture of himself." Shige chuckled, but quickly quieted when he realized Koyama wasn't laughing with him, instead still staring into the store contemplatively. "But I haven't been in it. It's too weird just thinking about it. I mean, my boyfriend's pictures are plastered all over the walls and girls actually buy his pictures."
"People used to buy our pictures too," Koyama added, turning to look back to Shige. "And uchiwa with our faces on them."
Shige shook his head at the thought, the slightest hint of a grin on his lips. "Sometimes, I wonder how people take me seriously in the courtroom."
Koyama nodded his head. "I wonder the same thing myself. I just want to be normal."
"You are normal," Shige insisted. "As normal as I am at least. Once upon a time we used to wear feather boas and danced in front of thousands of screaming girls, but now, we wear suits and go to work and lead productive lives."
"Being an idol isn't productive?"
"There are days I wonder what the hell Ryo is doing and why. Those usually are the days when I miss it the most."
"The spotlight?"
"Yeah."
Koyama stepped away from the glass windows and joined Shige as they started to walk down the street once more. "I used to miss it. I missed it a lot. But nowadays, not so much."
Shige casually stuck a hand into his pants' pocket, playing with his leftover change from the train fare. "That suspiciously sounds like it has something to do with Yamashita-kun."
Koyama scoffed lightly. "When does something in my life not have to do with him?" He fiddled with the strap in his shoulder bag, adjusting it ever so slightly. "You know, it's not like I ran away after I found out; I've been scheduled for this week of training at the Osaka branch for the past month or so."
Shige nodded, recognizing Koyama's need to justify himself. "I know."
"And I wasn't really all that shocked. It's just that the idealistic part of me had hoped for more. That we were beyond all this...drama that comes with being in the business. But maybe it was just me."
"You're just not used to it," Shige assured, and then continued, "Not that you should ever get used to your boyfriend having a girlfriend on the side or anything. It's just different when you're not in the business anymore."
"Spoken like a true expert."
"Well, I am. It takes great skill to date the likes of Ryo."
"You would say that." Koyama shoved Shige's shoulder lightly.
"Seriously though, it takes time. You and Yamashita-kun spent five years practically pining and angsting over one another. That doesn't exactly fix itself anew in a couple of months. Not if you really want it to work."
"...you think I was demanding too much too fast?"
"Yamashita-kun is an idol, but he's also human. A very flawed human," Shige emphasized. "You need to find a good pace, Kei. You were going too slow so Ryo and I had to push you. And then you went too fast and disappointed yourself with your own high expectations."
Koyama was silent, taking in Shige's words as they continued to walk side by side down the darkened street. "I think I might hate you," he voiced firmly.
Shige shrugged. "Comes with the territory. If someone doesn't tell me they hate me at least once a month, I'm not doing my job right."
*~*~*
Evening had already fallen when Koyama got into Tokyo Station, the lights illuminating its beautiful brick façade glowing behind him as he exited, his small travel suitcase rolling along at his side. He would grab a taxi back to his apartment and call YamaPi on the way. Or maybe he would just message him. He was not sure he would be able to say-
"Kei!"
He had been headed toward the taxi stand, but the cry of his nickname stopped him short. More than the fact that it was his nickname though, it was the voice itself that had stopped him. Koyama turned around and saw him jogging in his direction, dodging around the various people who were coming and going from the train station.
YamaPi.
Koyama waited there as YamaPi slowed in his approach and then was standing before him, wearing the usual sunglasses, beanie and leather jacket that managed to keep people from figuring out that super idol Yamashita Tomohisa was in their midst. "Kei…" His voice was much quieter than his initial call. "I was waiting for you."
"How did you even know when I was arriving?"
"Shige called me."
"Of course he did."
YamaPi dug his hands into the pockets of his jacket, awkwardly shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "Did you get my messages?"
Koyama lightly nodded. "I did."
"I really meant them."
"I know you did."
"I thought I wanted to go back. To fix what had gone wrong. To try again, and get it right the second time around." YamaPi hardly noticed all the people around them, focused on Koyama before him. Koyama Keiichiro, the travel sales coordinator. A Koyama who didn't need the spectacular lights of the stage to shine or the millions of fans to love him. He shined all on his own now. And YamaPi only hoped that his love could be enough. "But we can't go back. And we probably shouldn't."
"No, we shouldn't."
"I don't think we should try again."
Koyama's brow furrowed, disappointed. He had been ready to try again and YamaPi was giving up? Perhaps they really had changed too much to make this work anymore.
"Then what?"
YamaPi bowed his head for a moment before looking back up at Koyama. He removed his right hand from pocket and extended it. "Hi, I'm Yamashita Tomohisa. And you are?"
Koyama stared at the open hand. No expectations, no assumptions. Empty and ready to be filled anew. "I'm Koyama Keiichiro. Nice to meet you." He reached out and grabbed YamaPi's hand, squeezing it tight as they shook hands for the first time (and hopefully the last).
Time would tell what would come next.
*~*~*
0409
Yamashita Tomohisa
[Vol. 59] Time
To YamaPi, who is celebrating his fifth year as a solo artist and a top Johnny's idol with his current chart-topping single "Gomen ne, Juliet", time is a vexing thing. When he wants it to speed up, it slows down and when he wants to slow down, it speeds up! But even YamaPi recognizes that it is time that brings him closer to those he cares about most.
When I first became a Junior, everything felt so slow. The practices tended to be long and for me, brand new to the entertainment world, even getting one piece of dance choreography seemed to take forever. I just wanted to go home and complain to my mom about it, but then I didn't because I knew that she would scold me for being spoiled and wanting everything "right away". Instead, I just worked as hard as I get everything as fast as I could and try to make things as fast as possible for me.
It was two years before I finally got to hold a microphone and actually sing. I don't remember what song it was that I sang, but I remember how I felt when my name was called out in rehearsal. It was like, "Finally! After two long years, finally! All that waiting, all that work and now I can sing with the microphone!" That was the first time I realized how important time could be. If I hadn't taken those two years to learn and grow and instead just given up because it was taking too long, I would have never been able to hold a microphone. I don't think I would even be here now, writing this for you all to read!
I never felt like I got enough time with NEWS. We were together for four years and many people probably think, "Wow! Four years! That's like going to college! That's a long time!" but for me, it wasn't enough. Like college, it went by in a blur. I thought that NEWS would always be there and I would always be a part of NEWS, so I took it for granted. It was only when NEWS was ending did I realize that, "No! I want more time with my friends!" It was too late then of course. All that time had gone by and I hadn't even noticed.
Recently, I reunited with a friend from college. He had been working outside of Tokyo and was transferred back to the headquarters of his company. We hadn't seen each other or been in contact for five years, but then we met up again through some of our mutual friends. I had forgotten how much I had missed him. Well, I hadn't forgotten, but it was like when I met him again, I noticed just how much he had been a part of my life before.
To be honest, the last time he and I had seen each other five years ago, we had fought. I thought we had ended our friendship then because after that, he moved away for work and we never spoke. But five years later, though both of us had changed (for the better and for the worse!), our friendship was somehow still there. It was like time had preserved it so that we could have a fresh start and renew our relationship, make it stronger and better than before.
When I was younger, the idea of time frustrated me. There was either too much or never enough, but always the opposite of what I wanted. Now that I'm older and have been allowed to experience so many things, I understand that it's not about how fast or how slow time can be, but it's about what time can bring. Time teaches us valuable lessons and brings us closer to our friends and family. So rather than spite time nowadays, I embrace it because really, only time will tell.
the end.
<-- back
author: nihongofrancais
genre: RPS, NEWS
pairings: Koyama/YamaPi, Ryo/Shige
rating: PG-13
word count: 8,583 words
summary: AU Future. Continuation of "Easier Said Than Done". Koyama and YamaPi are the in same city now, but there is still a great distance between them.
author's notes: see here.
"…heyyyyy, Ryo-chaaaan… Why won't'cha tell meeeee?" YamaPi whined as the doors of the elevator opened.
Ryo and Shige stumbled out into the quiet hallway of the apartment building first, expecting YamaPi to follow them out, but when he did not, they frantically dragged him out before the doors shut on him.
"Tell you what?" Ryo returned, exhausted, having listened to his friend babble and whine the entire night away. He had already tried not answering him at all, but it turned out that YamaPi only asked his questions repeatedly when ignored, which ended up being even more annoying.
"Tell me where Keiiiiii-chaaaaan is!" YamaPi leaned on Ryo, chin resting heavily on his shoulder, looking into Ryo's face with begging eyes and an unfocused gaze.
Ryo glanced over at Shige, who was on the other side of YamaPi making sure he didn't fall over. Shige simply shook his head. "I don't know, Pi."
Despite being spectacularly drunk, YamaPi apparently was aware enough to recognize Ryo's lie, the same lie he had been telling all night long. "LIAAAAR!" he slurred loudly, pushing off Ryo harshly and staggering back into Shige. Then, as if startled by his own voice, he continued in a softer tone. "…you have to know."
Shige didn't have to look at YamaPi to know that he was frowning, the lines drawn out on his face, showing all the hurt that the famous and well-loved idol had quietly endured over the years. No one ever really saw him that way of course. With practice, the idol who could not smile had mastered the art of smiling for the camera to perfection. And it was on nights like this-nights when he watched YamaPi crumble into this drunk and broken mess of a person-that Shige found himself grateful that he had escaped that life before he had been drawn in too deep.
As Ryo headed over and opened their door, Shige took YamaPi's arm and braced it against his shoulders, helping him out of the corridor and into the apartment.
"…hey, Shige-chan?"
"Hmm?" Shige glanced up, having already stepped out of his shiny loafers and noting that YamaPi had also kicked off his sandals. The two together stepped out of entrance and into the living room.
Once they were far enough into the room, YamaPi eased his arm off Shige's shoulders and braced himself against the sofa before collapsing face forward into the soft cushions. "Kei-chan's in Tokyo now, right?"
YamaPi's voice was muffled, but Shige was standing close enough to make out the question. "He is."
"Then, why?"
"He got transferred-"
"NOOOO!" YamaPi rolled over onto his back, one arm pressed against his eyes, the other splayed against the back of the sofa. "I want to know why he won't answer my calls or reply to my messages. Why he won't talk to me, why he won't meet me! If anyone would know, you would, Shige-chan."
Shige shrugged out of his suit jacket and collapsed onto the nearby chair with an inaudible sigh. Sure, he knew. He had known everything before YamaPi really. Despite all that time and distance, Koyama had felt he could still confide in Shige. Enough to tell where he was living (just a few blocks away from his office, in Ichigaya), how he was doing (a short text message from him every couple of days or so had become not so uncommon), and that he just was not ready to confront YamaPi yet-to put himself out there and allow himself to be the vulnerable one.
So yes, he did know. He just couldn't tell YamaPi what he wanted to hear, longed to know. It was not his place to say. At the same time though, Shige didn't think he could lie to YamaPi either. Not to the drunk, desperate YamaPi in his apartment, crying out for answers as he tried to make sense of it all.
"Hey, Pi," Ryo called gruffly, coming from the kitchen with a tall glass of water and a bottle of aspirin. "Drink this and go to sleep already. You're supposed to be on the morning news tomorrow; Kawano-san will kill me if you show up looking like shit."
As Ryo handed off the hangover remedy to YamaPi, he shot Shige a short glance and Shige quickly read it, understanding that moment as his escape out of the conversation. He stood up, and swiftly crossed the living room, finding refuge from YamaPi's difficult questions in the bedroom.
His disappearance failed to go unnoticed by YamaPi however, and Shige could hear the conversation in the next room as he hung up his jacket in the closet.
"Huh? Where'd Shige go?"
"He's tired, Pi. We're both tired; it's been a long day."
"Has it? I can't tell anymore. It just feels like a long forever."
Shige's fingers curled tightly around the wooden hanger at YamaPi's words and he couldn't help but frown.
*~*~*
It had been quite some time since Koyama had last been to karaoke. (And even then, he hadn't really done any singing as he had been with YamaPi and it had been two weeks since they'd last seen each other; idols couldn't exactly walk into a love hotel in the middle of the day after all.)
It used to be something he had loved-the camaraderie, the drinking, the cheering-but now karaoke only reminded him of what he wasn't anymore. He didn't sing songs that would be on the lips of millions. Now, he was just a sales coordinator for a travel agency. Hardly as big or glamorous as being an idol had been.
So when he ended up getting dragged to karaoke by his colleagues after his welcome celebration dinner, he was a bit overwhelmed. Nothing was quite the same as it had been before, and he wasn't sure how to take in the changes. Koyama thought he had adjusted quite well to Tokyo within the three weeks since his return, but it was in that karaoke box, as he watched everyone sing and enjoy themselves around him, that he realized that there were still some things he couldn't get used to.
Excusing himself to the restroom just before his turn came up, Koyama walked down the corridors of flimsy doors-he was pretty sure he heard a group of girls singing "Seishun Amigo" behind one of them-until he came to the staircase. There he sat down with a long sigh, removing his tie and stuffing it into his pocket. In the process of doing that, his fingers stumbled across his cell phone and he pulled that out. Flipping it open, he searched through his rather small address book before he found the number he had been looking for and dialed. It took three rings for someone to pick up.
"Hello? Koyama?"
Koyama blinked. Sure it was late and he was tired, but he knew that he had dialed Shige's number. "Nishikido-san…?" he awkwardly asked.
He heard Ryo click his tongue at him over the line. "You need to stop this 'Nishikido-san' crap, really. It's getting really annoying."
Koyama ignored his comment, not really wanting to deal with the finer subtleties of what they called each other on the stairs of a karaoke place. "I wasn't expecting you to answer."
"Shige's in the shower right now," Ryo offered as explanation. "It was you, so I thought I would answer; we were planning on calling you anyway."
"You were?"
There was a slight pause, and Koyama wondered if Ryo was actually choosing his words; the Ryo he had known had never been one for delicacy. "Koyama, why haven't you called Pi yet?"
An answer was rolling off his lips before he could even completely process the question. "I've been busy. It's the middle of the summer travel season and a lot of companies are asking us for special discount trip packages for their employees and then I've had to hold introduction meetings with all of our clients-"
"I get it. You're busy. We're all busy. Shige's in the middle of a pretty big sexual harassment case, I'm planning for Kanjani8's fall tour, Pi's up to his eyeballs in promotion work for his new single and finishing his drama, but that's not what I asked you. I asked why you haven't called Pi yet; you've been getting his messages at work at least, right?"
Koyama was momentarily speechless. Ryo still knew how to get to the heart of the matter, no wasted words. All he had wanted to do was to call Shige (to hear a familiar voice), but instead found himself at the receiving end of Ryo's pointed inquiries. Koyama gripped his cell phone tighter, resisting the urge to hang up. The running had to stop.
Luckily for him, at that moment, it seemed that Shige returned as he could faintly make out an exchange between Ryo and Shige before the line was turned over. "Kei?"
Koyama let out the breath he had unknowingly been holding in. "Shige?"
"Yeah, it's me," Shige returned. "Sorry about Ryo. He's just kind of…excited."
"Excited?"
"Yamashita-kun is dead drunk on our couch right now."
"Pi?"
"The drinking is normal, but the fact that he was babbling all night about you wasn't," Shige explained. "He's getting pretty desperate, Kei. He knows you're in Tokyo and he knows where, but he can't see you and he doesn't understand why. He was even begging for your apartment address."
It was incredibly surreal hearing all this as he sat on these stairs with someone badly singing what he was sure was Hirai Ken's "POPSTAR" in the nearest karaoke box, but Koyama knew that Shige had no reason to be lying to him. "My apartment address?" He continued to repeat Shige's words back at him, dumbfounded.
"Don't worry, I didn't give it to him or anything, but don't you think it's time you maybe returned his calls or even met with him just once?"
Koyama had received every message YamaPi had left on his work voicemail, but had not listened to a single one. All the courier messages that he had sent over, Koyama had made one of the girls in the office sign for them and then stuffed them all at the bottom of his desk drawer. When he had heard some of his colleagues talking about a strange guy waiting in the downstairs lobby of the building, wearing a beanie and sunglasses even though it was the middle of summer, he had made sure to use the private employee exit instead of the usual front entrance to leave.
He supposed if he told Shige all this (never mind Ryo), he might get accused of running away again, but Koyama hardly saw it that way. It sort of made him sound like some middle school girl struggling to find the right away to confess to her crush, but he was honestly biding his time and preparing himself. Koyama wanted to be ready-for what exactly, he wasn't even all that sure, but he just wanted to be ready.
Koyama leaned his head against the faded yellow wall and sighed once more. "I don't know if I'm ready yet."
"Is there ever anything we're totally and completely ready for?" Shige's sympathetic voice set Koyama at ease. "Try, Kei. You might surprise yourself."
*~*~*
It was the squeal-the high-pitched one that usually meant a fangirl had been rendered speechless-that set Koyama off.
Like everyone else in the office who had heard the sound he glanced over to the door to see a wide-eyed Kuroda-san, struggling to hold onto her watering can that she had been using to water the large potted offices plants with. Next to her was Ryo, his sunglasses hardly hiding his identity, trying to quiet and calm her down.
Koyama sighed and stood up from his desk. Well, he was in Tokyo now. It was not like he had not been expecting this.
Pointedly ignoring everyone's eyes on him, he walked across the office and then past Ryo, out into the hallway. "Let's go downstairs and talk," Koyama suggested, pressing on the elevator call button as he turned back toward Ryo.
Ryo wordlessly nodded and complied, leaving the startled girl to cope with her surprise meeting with the idol and joining Koyama before the elevators. He understood Koyama's want for privacy and thus, did not say anything until they were safely on the elevator down, doors shut tightly behind them.
"I can't stay long," he offered, shoving his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, leaning on the wooden bar that ran along the inside of the otherwise sterile metal elevator. "I was just over at NTV in Kojimachi and had some extra time."
"I won't talk long either," Koyama returned, a little more clipped than he really had wanted to be. But after their last conversation, he still felt like he was on the defensive when it came to Ryo.
The elevator arrived at the spacious ground floor lobby of the office building and Koyama stepped out, leading Ryo over to the large waiting area of chairs, tables and sofas arranged near the front of the lobby, against the large glass windows that revealed the happenings of Shinjuku Street that afternoon.
Ryo sat hunched, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. He was clearly in hiding mode. Koyama sat straight, hands clasped politely in his lap. He was still at work after all, with an image to uphold.
"…look, I'm sorry about the other night on the phone. It's just you know how Pi can get." Ryo sighed, glancing at the people walking through the lobby around them, a few staring oddly as his overly casual attire stood out in the formal business environment. "And I really do think you should see him and talk to him. I know last time he kind of ambushed you, so maybe this time, you should see him on your own terms."
Koyama watched as Ryo reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a piece of paper. He unfolded it and then held it out. "What is it?" Koyama asked before he had gotten a good look at the print on the face.
"A present from me and Shige." When Koyama hesitantly took it from his fingers, Ryo continued. "It's a pass to Domoto Kyoudai filming. Pi's going to be on Thursday night. I thought you could use it."
"I told Shige that I wasn't ready," Koyama maintained, staring down at the pass like a foreign object he hadn't the slightest clue what to do with.
"Somehow, I doubt that," Ryo returned, finally removing his sunglasses and looking straight at Koyama with piercing brown eyes that managed to be kind and yet unrelenting. "You may think you're not, but you are. Everything you've done so far has been preparing you for it. That pass, it practically has your name written on it."
"Oh really?" Despite his unease, Koyama was struggling to hold back a chuckle at Ryo's uncharacteristic, saccharine-dipped words.
Ryo, of course, noticed and simply rolled his eyes. "Shige told me to say that, okay? So go ahead and laugh. But that doesn't make it wrong, you know. Just go, Koyama. The both of you only stand to benefit at this point."
*~*~*
He honestly had not been intending to go. He did not think he would have the time on a Thursday night. Sure, work ended at five, but he normally pulled three more hours of overtime on top of that-two hours if it was a light day-and by the time Koyama finished, the variety show would have already started recording. Even if he had wanted to go, it would have been utterly impossible. (He thought about giving the pass to Kuroda-san; she looked like she might be a YamaPi fan.)
But then Thursday came around and things were hardly normal.
When he arrived in the morning, the computer servers had already been down for two hours due to a malfunction in the cooling system with no estimated time as to when they would be back up and running. Until noon, he and his entire staff of agents were sifting through printouts and calling up various customers, profusely apologizing for their inability to attend to their needs. Grabbing a meager salmon onigiri on the way out of the office for lunch, Koyama then spent the entire afternoon going to their biggest customers and personally apologizing for the inconveniences caused in person. That only took five hours of his time, darting in and out of taxis all across the city as to accommodate schedules and attend appropriately to every customer. By the time he returned to the office, he was completely exhausted. But for all his efforts, he had been allowed to leave early for the day.
Pondering a long soak in the ofuro, Koyama went to lock up his desk and as he did so, he noticed the pass nestled in his drawer next to a dish of paper clips. General seating started at seven and recording indeed started at eight. If he caught a taxi, he could easily make it there in good time.
One minute, he was thinking about the feasibility of it all, and the next thing Koyama knew, he was knocking on YamaPi's dressing room door after having sat through the entire recording of his appearance on Domoto Kyoudai. And at that point, there definitely was no turning back.
When no one replied to his knock, Koyama pondered going home all together. He could vaguely hear muffled voices through the door and for all he knew, YamaPi could already be preparing for his next job; he was a busy super idol after all. After thirty seconds or so though, the door cracked open to reveal Koichi. "…eh? Is that Koyama?"
"Koichi-kun, it has been a long time," Koyama formally greeted, easily falling into old habits with his former jimusho senpai.
Koichi was obviously still surprised at the sight of Koyama in front of him. "Oi!" He called back into the dressing room. "Yamashita! Did you know that Koyama was here?"
After a moment, the dressing room door fully opened, revealing a rather laid back-looking YamaPi drinking from a water bottle. "I did," he replied, looking to his senpai before turning to Koyama, something unreadable in his eyes. "He was in the audience during recording. Didn't you notice, Koichi-kun?"
"Not really."
"I was in the bleachers, near the top," Koyama explained. "I'm surprised Yamashita-kun noticed me even." Even though he was focused on Koichi, Koyama caught YamaPi twitching just the tiniest bit out of the corner of his eye.
"It's hard to see faces from that far away," Koichi agreed. "But what have you been doing since you left the jimusho? It's been, what, five years now, right? You look well!"
Quickly reaching into his pocket for his business card holder, Koyama slipped one out and politely handed it over to Koichi. "I'm working at a travel agency as a sales coordinator-"
"Oh! Isn't this the same company Sakamoto-kun used to work for before V6?"
Koyama nodded. "It was thanks to Sakamoto-kun's connections I was able to join the company."
Koichi continued to ask him a few more questions-What was life like after idolhood? Was he married yet?-and Koyama, always and forever the obedient kouhai, indulged him with answers, all the while noting the quiet YamaPi off to the side, staring rather intently at him.
It was only when Koichi excused himself, leaving the two to themselves-YamaPi standing on the inside of the open doorway and Koyama on the outside-that they finally spoke directly to one another.
"'Yamashita-kun', huh?" YamaPi spoke, his voice low so as to not draw attention. "I can't remember the last time you called me that."
"Neither can I," Koyama agreed. After a beat, he added, "I got a pass from Shige and…Ryo."
YamaPi gave a small smile and moved out of the doorway. "Come in."
Koyama followed him into the room, stepping out of his loafers and onto the tatami. "You actually saw me all the way in the back?"
YamaPi nodded, shutting the door behind them. "I did. If anything, you were hard to miss." He reached over and tugged lightly on the lapel of Koyama's simple black suit. "You were the only one dressed like this."
Koyama fidgeted, glancing down at his work attire and then smoothing a hand over the lapel YamaPi had touched. "Sorry," he instinctively apologized.
"Why are you apologizing?"
"This was all last minute. I hadn't been planning on coming, but then-"
"Are you hungry?" YamaPi abruptly offered, effectively silencing Koyama's nervous babbling.
"Hungry?"
"Have you eaten yet?" YamaPi reiterated, slipping his cell phone out of his pocket and glancing at the time. "I haven't had dinner yet, and I'm done for the night. So, I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat."
"…where were you thinking?"
YamaPi flashed another smile, wider and more confident. "A good place to talk."
*~*~*
It was a-hole-in-the-wall kind of place. The kind of place that was easily overlooked in the hustle of Shinjuku's night life, with the gay bars, host clubs, and high-class restaurants pulling in the crowds that spilled out of the east exit of the train station. The kind of place that did not need to reach into those crowds, satisfying its regular customers with its perfectly boiled edamame, tasty yakitori, and large mugs of beer. The kind of place where the wait staff and the cook knew your face and your usual order, but never pried beyond that.
It was their place.
As Koyama followed YamaPi down the worn stairs into the establishment, he found himself almost reaching out to press his palm against the familiar brick wall, wanting to indeed make sure it was the same place and that not a single brick had changed. Every part was imprinted with a memory of them in his mind. When YamaPi pulled open the door causing the usual bells wrapped around the knob to ring and they stepped inside, Koyama was overwhelmed.
Their first toast over mugs of overflowing beer to celebrate YamaPi's first week at the top of the Oricon charts with his solo debut. Making out sloppily, drunkenly in the back when they were sure no one was looking. Falling all over each other on the stairs on their way out to make the first train of the morning and laughing endlessly. Their last shared yakitori together the night before Countdown. (Had Koyama known it would be their last he would have insisted that YamaPi share more of his favorite yakitori and finished his mug of beer down to the final bubble.)
Since it was late on a Thursday night, the bar was pretty empty and they pulled up two stools. "Two plates of yakitori and beer to start?" the waitress confirmed, and Koyama recognized her as one of the older staff from before when they used to frequent the place.
YamaPi gave a grunt and a nod, sipping from the small glass of water that had been set before him and then wiping his hands on the moist towel also provided. "I still come here sometimes," he said once the waitress had gone away.
"It's a good place," Koyama offered, folding his own towel and setting it aside. "Bringing your girlfriends here-"
"I come here by myself," YamaPi clarified, not even allowing Koyama to finish his thought. "I'm pretty sure that Jin doesn't even know this place exists."
The yakitori arrived and soon after, their beers. The silence between them this time was filled with the sound of eating and the background hum of the other customers in the izakaya. Koyama was calmed by those familiar sounds; it took away from the pressure and need to fill the space between them. He honestly had no idea as to what he should say or what he should do. Before, he had been trying to so hard to keep YamaPi out of his life and just away. And now? He didn't even really know what he was doing.
Luckily, YamaPi sensed Koyama's confusion as well. "What'd you think of the performance?" he asked casually.
"Performance?" Koyama paused for a moment and then remembered what they had been doing before coming here. Domoto Kyoudai. He was talking about the performance on Domoto Kyoudai. "It was nice, but kind of sad. I'm used to hearing more upbeat songs from you."
YamaPi didn't hide his surprise at Koyama's comment. "You've actually listened to my other stuff?"
"It was kind of unavoidable," Koyama admitted, biting off a piece of chicken. "You did the tie-up song for the JR summer campaign and I'm a travel agent. I swear, every time I called the JR reservation hotline that summer, 'SUMMER TIME' was always the music when they put me on hold." He looked down into his mug of beer before taking a hearty swig. "Everything about you is kind of unavoidable in the end, Pi."
"…you're talking about the phone calls now."
"And the courier messages," Koyama added pointedly. "How many times did you actually show up at the building?"
"Only twice…wait. How did you know?" YamaPi had the tip of a finished wooden skewer in his mouth and was nibbling on its end.
Koyama smiled softly and shook his head. "Pi, you were acting like a stalker skulking around the lobby, and even looked like one with the beanie and the sunglasses. You attracted attention and people talk. Frankly, I'm surprised security didn't escort you out."
"Actually, the second time, they did after a half-hour."
"You didn't tell them you were the famous idol Yamashita Tomohisa?"
"If I had, I think they would've called the police on me or something."
"No, they wouldn't," Koyama maintained.
YamaPi nodded, snagging another stick of yakitori. "But I knew you wouldn't have appreciated it, so I just left."
Just then, their waitress wordlessly brought around a bowl of edamame and for a split second, Koyama felt like he had come home; he used to always order edamame after the first round of yakitori. "I wasn't ready," he returned rather vaguely, reaching out and grabbing some of the snack food.
YamaPi didn't ask for any elaboration. He didn't really need any. He remembered the Koyama from the last time they had met, and how it had already been a big deal that Koyama had even listened to him then, let alone let YamaPi spend the night in his apartment. "What about now?"
"I still don't think I'm ready." Koyama had already eaten the beans, and yet he was still pressing down on the empty pod, seemingly comforted by the repetitive action.
"I just want to be your friend, Kei," YamaPi expressed earnestly, setting his unfinished skewer aside and looking at Koyama head on. "And I want you to be mine. I don't think I can ask for anything else right now."
"Do you want anything else from me, Pi?"
"I only want what you want. And somehow, I don't think that you would be sitting with me here if you didn't at least want to be my friend."
Koyama held YamaPi's intense gaze for a moment, before breaking away and looking down at the fuzzy, green pod pinched between his fingers. "I want to try to make things right." He spoke after a long moment. "And maybe being friends might be the first step."
YamaPi softly smiled. "We can give it a try."
*~*~*
When the elevators opened and YamaPi saw a slightly winded Koyama emerge from them, he stood up and gave a short wave. Koyama quickly caught sight of him and jogged across the busy lobby over to where he had been waiting. "Busy day?" YamaPi offered with a grin once Koyama was in earshot.
"It's always busy," Koyama returned with sigh. "Sorry. Did you wait long?"
"Not really," YamaPi ambiguously lied. Truthfully, he had been about fifteen minutes early for their initial lunch meeting because his set of morning interviews had finished up faster than he had expected, and that was not even counting when Koyama pushed back lunch fifteen minutes for work. So really, he had been sitting there in the lobby waiting area for about thirty minutes, the entire time just a little worried that security would come by and escort him out of the building again. "Besides, I don't have any meetings until three, so I have plenty of time."
"Oh good."
The two of them stood there for an awkward moment, Koyama removing his work badge and stuffing it into pocket and YamaPi glancing around at the people walking through the lobby, a few looking in their direction. "So…what did you have in mind?"
"Hmm?" Koyama arched his eyebrow slightly.
"Lunch," YamaPi prompted. "Where are we going for lunch?"
"Oh yeah!" Koyama chuckled nervously. "Well, you know this area better than me I would think, since I've only been here a month. Do you know a place?"
"I do, but they're all more down toward Shinjuku." YamaPi pushed back his black bangs out of his face, where they had been hanging in front of his sunglasses. "I actually wanted to go somewhere you normally eat."
Koyama hesitated for a moment, biting lightly on his lower lip. "Are you sure? I mean, I usually just go to the ramen place down the street. It's standing space only and it's not exactly the most amazing taste ever, but it usually is good enough when I don't have a lot of time to spare."
YamaPi nodded. "That's perfect."
*~*~*
For a month, it was really good.
An occasional lunch in Yotsuya when YamaPi was in the area. Quick cups of coffee shared in the tiny, upscale cafés of Aoyama or Ebisu if Koyama was out and about visiting clients. Beers in Shinjuku on Thursday nights had become habitual. When they couldn't meet, messages about how their days had gone and random tidbits about out-of-the-ordinary experiences filled their cell phone inboxes.
Koyama thought it was going really well. The more they met, the more they talked, the more the walls of resistance came tumbling down and Koyama began to see YamaPi for who he was now rather than the image he had created over the years. And as being with YamaPi became normal and comfortable, Koyama began falling into old habits. His eyes would linger longer than necessary on YamaPi's lips when he drank from his coffee cup. Sometimes, he would find himself distracted at work, anticipating the next meeting they'd have. And already on more than one occasion, Koyama had caught himself leaning in too close to YamaPi after a few too many beers.
He finally felt ready.
Or so he thought.
The gossip magazine banner advertisements that hung from the ceiling of the trains were always so busy and bright. The names of famous people in bolded characters and clashing colors so that they stood out from each other and caught the average passenger's wandering eye. That former child actress was caught coming out of a love hotel! Pictures of that famous baseball pitcher in a threesome! That high-level executive caught red-handed in an embezzlement scheme! Yamashita Tomohisa spending the night at Aragaki Yui's apartment!
Koyama's eyes that had been moving across the banner, reading each outrageous headline after the other and knowing that a good portion of them were flimsy truths created to sell magazines, suddenly stopped at the sight of YamaPi's name. With Aragaki Yui's.
He knew of Aragaki Yui. He vaguely remembered meeting her once around the time she was doing My Boss My Hero with Tegoshi right before NEWS broke up. She had been pretty, but kind of shy. He had heard her name in conjunction with YamaPi's before too. They had done a few dramas together a few years back, but Koyama couldn't recall which ones. She apparently was a big star now if her name ending up in the gossip magazines meant anything.
As Koyama passed the newsstand on his way out of the train station back to work, he resisted the urge to pick up the magazine in question. It was a bunch of lies, he knew that. But then again, all those whispered conversations he had heard in the office from the girls over the years about YamaPi's various scandals made him doubt what he knew. He wanted to believe in YamaPi. He really did.
But he was scared to believe.
*~*~*
"Aragaki Yui, huh?" Koyama withdrew his spoon from his latte and set it down on the saucer with a soft clink.
YamaPi's fingers tightened around the mug he was about to drink from. "You saw it?"
Koyama stared into his cup, watching the drink continue to spin in a counter-clockwise manner. "Did you really expect me not to?"
"No one told you, did they?" YamaPi set down his mug and glanced at Koyama, but Koyama would not meet his eyes.
"Does it matter if someone told me or if I found out myself?"
"It matters."
Koyama sighed. His hand that rested beneath the table gripped his knee tightly. "What matters is if it's true, Pi."
There was a long moment in which YamaPi was silent while Koyama took a large gulp from his latte, nearly downing the entire thing in one go. "I meant everything I said, Kei. I want what you want. Whatever you want, I want too. Really."
"Do you know what I want now?"
"...we're not together anymore. The pictures, they're from the night we broke up. That's over now."
"You've been together this entire time though." Koyama struggled to keep his voice in check and it trembled slightly. "I thought you had wanted to try to make this work. And maybe I wanted to try too..."
"But I've been waiting," YamaPi reasoned, his voice hushed so as not to draw attention but still fervent. "I've been waiting for you. You said you wanted to be friends. So we're friends right now. Everything I've been doing, I've been doing for you, Kei."
"How was dating Aragaki Yui for my sake, Pi?" Koyama shook his bowed head. "You were practically stalking me, chasing me everywhere and yet, you were still dating her. God, this is like history repeating itself."
YamaPi frowned, biting down hard on his lower lip. "I just wanted to make you shine again. I wanted to give you everything that you had before. Everything that should be yours." The words were coming out, but at this point, he recognized the futility of the situation.
"I never said I wanted that stuff, Pi. I'm not that person anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore." Koyama stood up from his chair. "I can't do this. Not again. And I think you know that."
Koyama left, and YamaPi didn't move to stop him.
*~*~*
Before leaving his apartment the next morning, a small suitcase at his side, Koyama turned on his cell phone that he had shut off yesterday and checked for any new messages.
Twenty-five new messages.
And twenty of them were from YamaPi.
Koyama didn't even dare to check his voice mail.
Instead, he just turned the phone back off, set it on the kitchen counter, and left.
*~*~*
"I am an asshole."
Jin blinked at YamaPi standing on the other side of his apartment door. "This is a change of pace."
YamaPi didn't wait to be invited in, instead edging past Jin in the doorway and wandering into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer, popping the top and downing the cheap alcohol almost desperately. After a moment, he set the can of half-empty beer aside, wincing. "God, that was gross. Why do you keep this crap in your fridge anyway, Jin?"
Jin merely shook his head, standing on the opposite side of the kitchen counter. "...Koyama found out, didn't he?"
"Of course he did. It's plastered all over the tabloid magazines. Hard to miss." YamaPi didn't look at Jin. Instead, he glared at the appalling beer can, blaming it for the shitty beer and so much more.
"I'm surprised you didn't deny it."
"To Koyama or to the tabloids?"
"Koyama. The jimusho already covered for your ass and denied it as did LesPros for Yui-chan."
YamaPi nodded distractedly, his mind clearly somewhere else. "You know, I wanted so badly to apologize. To say I'm sorry and just beg for forgiveness. He had been opening up; I could feel it. Like maybe he was ready to try us again. But I couldn't."
"What'd you say instead?"
"That everything I had done was for his sake."
Jin grimaced, making no efforts to hide it from his best friend. "You really are an asshole."
YamaPi looked up and rolled his eyes, but he was hardly defensive. All those times before, he hadn't wanted to believe Jin was right. Now that he recognized it himself, he couldn't very well deny it. "I know. That's why I said so. You were right."
"I think I would've been happier if you weren't an asshole, Pi." Jin's eyes followed YamaPi as he exited the kitchen (leaving his can of crappy beer behind) and settled himself on Jin's plush white sofa, drawing his knees up to his chin. "I take it that Koyama didn't react well."
"I haven't heard from him for about four days now." YamaPi rested his arms across the tops of his knees. "I sent him a bunch of messages the first day, but when he didn't reply, I just stopped. I was getting kind of stalkerish."
"I think you were already there, Pi," Jin scoffed, plopping down next to YamaPi. "I mean, you were waiting for him at work."
"...fine. I'll admit I was a stalker. Fuck, I'll even admit that I was crazy for a few years there." YamaPi threw his head back against the sofa cushions, staring at the blank ceiling. "But that's what Koyama does to me. What he's been doing to me for years. I can't just let that go."
"Are you telling me that you want to be crazy for the indeterminable future?"
YamaPi turned toward his best friend and rolled his eyes once more. "What I'm telling you is that no matter how fucked up our relationship is, how much it's screwed us both up, I still want Koyama. Because all we've been is screwed up and god, I know there's more to it than that. No one pines for something that's all broken and messed up."
"Masochists do."
"You would know, filling your refrigerator with that crap pretending to be beer." YamaPi mocked with the slightest grin tugging on his lips. He closed his eyes, allowing a short silence to settle before releasing a peaceful sigh. "I feel like I've been experiencing this huge, prolonged epiphany over the past four days. It's kind of been amazing."
Jin nodded, quietly smiling. "I can tell." And he really could. It was like the wall that YamaPi had put up over the years had been completely shattered and Jin was seeing his best friend for the first time, again. "So what has your epiphany been doing for you other than making you realize your asshole ways?"
YamaPi took a moment to sit up on the sofa properly, dropping his feet to rest on the carpeted floor. "I don't think I can try to fix this anymore, Jin," he admitted. His voice hardly sounded defeated however. Instead, he sounded thoughtful. "I've been chasing after this idea of somehow buying forgiveness from Koyama. That in giving him back everything that he once had, I could get his forgiveness in return. But what if all the things I've been trying to give him, he's never wanted in the first place? And there's never actually been anything to forgive in the first place?"
"If you can't fix it then, Pi, what do you do? What you have now doesn't work. It's messed up. You said it yourself."
"Start over, I guess. From scratch."
*~*~*
"Are you actually taking me to the Johnny's Shop?"
Shige shot Koyama a funny look as they continued down the narrow street of small office buildings in the heart of Osaka's Shinsaibashi. "What are you talking about? We're going to eat ramen, stupid."
Koyama pointed his briefcase in the general direction of a windowed building on the right side of the street. "You could've fooled me."
Shige turned toward where Koyama had gestured and right away noticed the bright pink and red logo hiding inside the otherwise darkened store. "It's closed. Unless you have this overwhelming urge to break into the store."
"No, I'm fine, thanks; I came to Osaka for work, not to get thrown in jail." Koyama rolled his eyes as the two of them slowly came to a stop before the empty store normally overflowing with girls of various ages. Through the windows, he could see the walls coated in pictures, but couldn't make out the images themselves. He momentarily pondered which wall was YamaPi's. "Have you ever been inside?"
"Ryo's been in there once; he got dared by the other Kanjani8 members to go in and buy a picture of himself." Shige chuckled, but quickly quieted when he realized Koyama wasn't laughing with him, instead still staring into the store contemplatively. "But I haven't been in it. It's too weird just thinking about it. I mean, my boyfriend's pictures are plastered all over the walls and girls actually buy his pictures."
"People used to buy our pictures too," Koyama added, turning to look back to Shige. "And uchiwa with our faces on them."
Shige shook his head at the thought, the slightest hint of a grin on his lips. "Sometimes, I wonder how people take me seriously in the courtroom."
Koyama nodded his head. "I wonder the same thing myself. I just want to be normal."
"You are normal," Shige insisted. "As normal as I am at least. Once upon a time we used to wear feather boas and danced in front of thousands of screaming girls, but now, we wear suits and go to work and lead productive lives."
"Being an idol isn't productive?"
"There are days I wonder what the hell Ryo is doing and why. Those usually are the days when I miss it the most."
"The spotlight?"
"Yeah."
Koyama stepped away from the glass windows and joined Shige as they started to walk down the street once more. "I used to miss it. I missed it a lot. But nowadays, not so much."
Shige casually stuck a hand into his pants' pocket, playing with his leftover change from the train fare. "That suspiciously sounds like it has something to do with Yamashita-kun."
Koyama scoffed lightly. "When does something in my life not have to do with him?" He fiddled with the strap in his shoulder bag, adjusting it ever so slightly. "You know, it's not like I ran away after I found out; I've been scheduled for this week of training at the Osaka branch for the past month or so."
Shige nodded, recognizing Koyama's need to justify himself. "I know."
"And I wasn't really all that shocked. It's just that the idealistic part of me had hoped for more. That we were beyond all this...drama that comes with being in the business. But maybe it was just me."
"You're just not used to it," Shige assured, and then continued, "Not that you should ever get used to your boyfriend having a girlfriend on the side or anything. It's just different when you're not in the business anymore."
"Spoken like a true expert."
"Well, I am. It takes great skill to date the likes of Ryo."
"You would say that." Koyama shoved Shige's shoulder lightly.
"Seriously though, it takes time. You and Yamashita-kun spent five years practically pining and angsting over one another. That doesn't exactly fix itself anew in a couple of months. Not if you really want it to work."
"...you think I was demanding too much too fast?"
"Yamashita-kun is an idol, but he's also human. A very flawed human," Shige emphasized. "You need to find a good pace, Kei. You were going too slow so Ryo and I had to push you. And then you went too fast and disappointed yourself with your own high expectations."
Koyama was silent, taking in Shige's words as they continued to walk side by side down the darkened street. "I think I might hate you," he voiced firmly.
Shige shrugged. "Comes with the territory. If someone doesn't tell me they hate me at least once a month, I'm not doing my job right."
*~*~*
Evening had already fallen when Koyama got into Tokyo Station, the lights illuminating its beautiful brick façade glowing behind him as he exited, his small travel suitcase rolling along at his side. He would grab a taxi back to his apartment and call YamaPi on the way. Or maybe he would just message him. He was not sure he would be able to say-
"Kei!"
He had been headed toward the taxi stand, but the cry of his nickname stopped him short. More than the fact that it was his nickname though, it was the voice itself that had stopped him. Koyama turned around and saw him jogging in his direction, dodging around the various people who were coming and going from the train station.
YamaPi.
Koyama waited there as YamaPi slowed in his approach and then was standing before him, wearing the usual sunglasses, beanie and leather jacket that managed to keep people from figuring out that super idol Yamashita Tomohisa was in their midst. "Kei…" His voice was much quieter than his initial call. "I was waiting for you."
"How did you even know when I was arriving?"
"Shige called me."
"Of course he did."
YamaPi dug his hands into the pockets of his jacket, awkwardly shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "Did you get my messages?"
Koyama lightly nodded. "I did."
"I really meant them."
"I know you did."
"I thought I wanted to go back. To fix what had gone wrong. To try again, and get it right the second time around." YamaPi hardly noticed all the people around them, focused on Koyama before him. Koyama Keiichiro, the travel sales coordinator. A Koyama who didn't need the spectacular lights of the stage to shine or the millions of fans to love him. He shined all on his own now. And YamaPi only hoped that his love could be enough. "But we can't go back. And we probably shouldn't."
"No, we shouldn't."
"I don't think we should try again."
Koyama's brow furrowed, disappointed. He had been ready to try again and YamaPi was giving up? Perhaps they really had changed too much to make this work anymore.
"Then what?"
YamaPi bowed his head for a moment before looking back up at Koyama. He removed his right hand from pocket and extended it. "Hi, I'm Yamashita Tomohisa. And you are?"
Koyama stared at the open hand. No expectations, no assumptions. Empty and ready to be filled anew. "I'm Koyama Keiichiro. Nice to meet you." He reached out and grabbed YamaPi's hand, squeezing it tight as they shook hands for the first time (and hopefully the last).
Time would tell what would come next.
*~*~*
0409
Yamashita Tomohisa
[Vol. 59] Time
To YamaPi, who is celebrating his fifth year as a solo artist and a top Johnny's idol with his current chart-topping single "Gomen ne, Juliet", time is a vexing thing. When he wants it to speed up, it slows down and when he wants to slow down, it speeds up! But even YamaPi recognizes that it is time that brings him closer to those he cares about most.
When I first became a Junior, everything felt so slow. The practices tended to be long and for me, brand new to the entertainment world, even getting one piece of dance choreography seemed to take forever. I just wanted to go home and complain to my mom about it, but then I didn't because I knew that she would scold me for being spoiled and wanting everything "right away". Instead, I just worked as hard as I get everything as fast as I could and try to make things as fast as possible for me.
It was two years before I finally got to hold a microphone and actually sing. I don't remember what song it was that I sang, but I remember how I felt when my name was called out in rehearsal. It was like, "Finally! After two long years, finally! All that waiting, all that work and now I can sing with the microphone!" That was the first time I realized how important time could be. If I hadn't taken those two years to learn and grow and instead just given up because it was taking too long, I would have never been able to hold a microphone. I don't think I would even be here now, writing this for you all to read!
I never felt like I got enough time with NEWS. We were together for four years and many people probably think, "Wow! Four years! That's like going to college! That's a long time!" but for me, it wasn't enough. Like college, it went by in a blur. I thought that NEWS would always be there and I would always be a part of NEWS, so I took it for granted. It was only when NEWS was ending did I realize that, "No! I want more time with my friends!" It was too late then of course. All that time had gone by and I hadn't even noticed.
Recently, I reunited with a friend from college. He had been working outside of Tokyo and was transferred back to the headquarters of his company. We hadn't seen each other or been in contact for five years, but then we met up again through some of our mutual friends. I had forgotten how much I had missed him. Well, I hadn't forgotten, but it was like when I met him again, I noticed just how much he had been a part of my life before.
To be honest, the last time he and I had seen each other five years ago, we had fought. I thought we had ended our friendship then because after that, he moved away for work and we never spoke. But five years later, though both of us had changed (for the better and for the worse!), our friendship was somehow still there. It was like time had preserved it so that we could have a fresh start and renew our relationship, make it stronger and better than before.
When I was younger, the idea of time frustrated me. There was either too much or never enough, but always the opposite of what I wanted. Now that I'm older and have been allowed to experience so many things, I understand that it's not about how fast or how slow time can be, but it's about what time can bring. Time teaches us valuable lessons and brings us closer to our friends and family. So rather than spite time nowadays, I embrace it because really, only time will tell.
the end.
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