Fighting the Winter Doldrums? Try this (or run screaming)
From what I can tell from my small window on the world, most of the people I know are struggling against winter doldrums in one form or another--most of them snowy and cold. I myself am lumbering through one of the most boring work weeks ever. (Part of my problem may be that, between days off and holidays, this is my first five-day week since Dec. 16. Woe is me.)
Anyway, as an attempted cure to the midwinter blues, I offer for general amusement one of the main reasons I'm going to rot in Tolkien Hell.
Remember last year, when they announced that Saul Zantz (in whose building I used to work, btw--once, before I was Aware, I rode up in the elevator with a cart full of FOTR film cans) had sold the rights yet again, thereby allowing the creation of LOTR: The Musical? Like many fans, I was horrified at the potential badness. I worked my anxiety (and Friday-afternoon boredom) out by creating:
LOTR: The Musical! A Bad Idea in Three Acts
(I have, at times, tweaked or otherwise abused book canon for the sake of staging; bear with me, please.)
Act 1
* "Peace and Good Tilled Earth" (Opening number: Shire chorus. Think: Fiddler on the Roof's "Tradition")
* "Home at Bag-End" (Frodo/Bilbo/Sam)
* "Eleventy-One (Bilbo's Birthday Song)"
* "More than Half a Brandybuck!" (which explains the genealogy involved)
* "The Wooded Road" (Frodo, Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Fatty)
* "The Gandalf/Saruman Power-Struggle Tango" (a la "Masochism Tango" from Rent)
* "Yo! Tom Bombadil!" (a truly ill-conceived rap number)
* "Does Not Necessarily Glitter" (Strider/Aragorn's introduction, a la Porgy and Bess's "It Ain't Necessarily So")
* "Leave My Master Be" (Sam's song, initially sung at Weathertop, reprised many, many times)
* "Take Me! (Not of Age Doesn't Mean Underage)" (Initially Pippin's plea for inclusion in the Fellowship, reprised as a comic number in his attempt to get lucky with various Elven ladies at Rivendell and Lothlorien)
* "The Lonely Life of a Doomsayer" (Elrond, joined by Gandalf "Stormcrow")
* "Be My Evenstar" (Aragorn/Arwen power ballad)
* "Cruel Caradhras" (The Fellowship... a snowy adventure song)
* "Fly, You Fools!" (Gandalf at Khazad-Dum)
* "Frodo's Lament" (Frodo's grief at Lothlorien: "Eight there were departed from Rivendell..."; also reprised often)
* "Mirror, Mirror" (Galadriel's theme)
* "The River Song" (The Fellowship... think Big River's river theme...)
* "It Should Be Mine" (The Departure of Boromir)
Act 2
* "Not Unlike a Hobbit Once" (Gollum/Smeagol)
* "Take Two, We're Small" (Merry and Pippin abroad)
* "What Do Your Elf Eyes See?" (Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas tracking Merry and Pippin)
* "White" (Gandalf's Return)
* "Ride, Ride, Ride" (Rohirrim theme)
* "Hoom, Baby, Hoom" (Entmoot)
* "Rip and Tear" (destruction of Isengard)
* "Pity Stayed His Hand" (Ballad: Frodo, Gollum, Sam, and Ethereal Gandalf and Bilbo)
* "The Golden Hall" (Edoras chorus number, giving history, etc, with brief solos by Eowyn, Eomer, Theoden, Grima)
* "In the Deep" (Helm's Deep battle song--huge chorus number, obviously)
* "Flotsam and Jetsam" (comic number--Merry and Pippin a la "Brush Up Your Shakespeare")
* "The Call of the Dark Glass" (Pippin and Sauron; also reprised as instrumental theme for Aragorn and Denethor's run-ins with the Palantir)
* "Swords and Bowers" (Aragorn/Eowyn duet)
* "M. Brandybuck, Esquire" (Merry swears allegiance to Theoden)
* "You Brought It on Yourself" (Gandalf scolding Pippin)
* "Dern It All" (Eowyn's rant re: sneaking off to battle--very Annie Get Your Gun)
* "Stewed Rabbits, No Taters" (tragio-comic Sam/Gollum number)
* "My Brother/Western Windows/Not If I Passed It on the Highway" (Faramir's Ithilien medley)
* Reprise medley/duet: "Frodo's Lament" and "Leave My Master Be" (Sam/Frodo)
* "Tricksy" (Gollum's evil plot)
* "Shelob-a-lula" (a swing/blues number sung by Shelob and showing that I am a bad, bad person)
* "See It Through" (Sam leaves Frodo and takes the Ring)
Act 3
* "Steward and Sons" (Minas Tirith Chorus number, with power solos by Denethor and Faramir)
* reprise: "Ride, Ride, Ride" (with power solos by Merry and Eowyn)
* "Nor Bid the Stars Farewell" (Sam in the tower of Cirith Ungol)
* Pelennor Fields Medley: "Pyre and Light/Horns at Dawn/The Starry Standard"
* "Draw Swords Together" (Eomer/Aragorn battle number--lots of swords tossed like vaudeville canes)
* "Sister-Daughter" (Theoden's death scene)
* "Are You Going to Bury Me?" (Merry and Pippin reunited)
* "Healing Hands" (Aragorn has great bedside manner)
* "Parley" (The Black Gates)
* "Into the Fire" (Frodo, Sam, Gollum at Mount Doom)
* "The Steward and the King" (A Dream Ballet a la Oklahoma: Eowyn, Aragorn, Faramir and company)
* "Knights of the City and the Mark" (Merry and Pippin, this time with a Guys and Dolls spin, like Nathan Detroit and Nicely Nicely)
* "For He's a Jolly Good, Nine-Fingered Fellow" (Legolas and Gimli sing Frodo's praises)
* "Wrapped in Her Soft Blue Cloak" (Ballad: Faramir/Eowyn)
* "The Coronation/Wedding Ballet" (Think Fiddler's wedding scenes crossed with the dream ballet from Oklahoma)
* "Homeward" (Many Partings through Bree)
* "Rules and Tomfools" (return to the Shire)
* Reprise: "Home at Bag-End" (Frodo/Sam)
* "Havens (It Will Never Really Heal)" (Frodo's departure... with a very sad "Anatefka" spin)
* "Well I'm Back/Home at Bag-End" (Sam, Merry, Pippin, Rosie)
* Reprise/closing number: "Peace and Good Tilled Earth"
And there it is. I'd like to say those wacky kids preparing for London 2005 couldn't do more damage than I just did, but sadly, I think I might be wrong.
Anyway, as an attempted cure to the midwinter blues, I offer for general amusement one of the main reasons I'm going to rot in Tolkien Hell.
Remember last year, when they announced that Saul Zantz (in whose building I used to work, btw--once, before I was Aware, I rode up in the elevator with a cart full of FOTR film cans) had sold the rights yet again, thereby allowing the creation of LOTR: The Musical? Like many fans, I was horrified at the potential badness. I worked my anxiety (and Friday-afternoon boredom) out by creating:
LOTR: The Musical! A Bad Idea in Three Acts
(I have, at times, tweaked or otherwise abused book canon for the sake of staging; bear with me, please.)
Act 1
* "Peace and Good Tilled Earth" (Opening number: Shire chorus. Think: Fiddler on the Roof's "Tradition")
* "Home at Bag-End" (Frodo/Bilbo/Sam)
* "Eleventy-One (Bilbo's Birthday Song)"
* "More than Half a Brandybuck!" (which explains the genealogy involved)
* "The Wooded Road" (Frodo, Gandalf, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Fatty)
* "The Gandalf/Saruman Power-Struggle Tango" (a la "Masochism Tango" from Rent)
* "Yo! Tom Bombadil!" (a truly ill-conceived rap number)
* "Does Not Necessarily Glitter" (Strider/Aragorn's introduction, a la Porgy and Bess's "It Ain't Necessarily So")
* "Leave My Master Be" (Sam's song, initially sung at Weathertop, reprised many, many times)
* "Take Me! (Not of Age Doesn't Mean Underage)" (Initially Pippin's plea for inclusion in the Fellowship, reprised as a comic number in his attempt to get lucky with various Elven ladies at Rivendell and Lothlorien)
* "The Lonely Life of a Doomsayer" (Elrond, joined by Gandalf "Stormcrow")
* "Be My Evenstar" (Aragorn/Arwen power ballad)
* "Cruel Caradhras" (The Fellowship... a snowy adventure song)
* "Fly, You Fools!" (Gandalf at Khazad-Dum)
* "Frodo's Lament" (Frodo's grief at Lothlorien: "Eight there were departed from Rivendell..."; also reprised often)
* "Mirror, Mirror" (Galadriel's theme)
* "The River Song" (The Fellowship... think Big River's river theme...)
* "It Should Be Mine" (The Departure of Boromir)
Act 2
* "Not Unlike a Hobbit Once" (Gollum/Smeagol)
* "Take Two, We're Small" (Merry and Pippin abroad)
* "What Do Your Elf Eyes See?" (Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas tracking Merry and Pippin)
* "White" (Gandalf's Return)
* "Ride, Ride, Ride" (Rohirrim theme)
* "Hoom, Baby, Hoom" (Entmoot)
* "Rip and Tear" (destruction of Isengard)
* "Pity Stayed His Hand" (Ballad: Frodo, Gollum, Sam, and Ethereal Gandalf and Bilbo)
* "The Golden Hall" (Edoras chorus number, giving history, etc, with brief solos by Eowyn, Eomer, Theoden, Grima)
* "In the Deep" (Helm's Deep battle song--huge chorus number, obviously)
* "Flotsam and Jetsam" (comic number--Merry and Pippin a la "Brush Up Your Shakespeare")
* "The Call of the Dark Glass" (Pippin and Sauron; also reprised as instrumental theme for Aragorn and Denethor's run-ins with the Palantir)
* "Swords and Bowers" (Aragorn/Eowyn duet)
* "M. Brandybuck, Esquire" (Merry swears allegiance to Theoden)
* "You Brought It on Yourself" (Gandalf scolding Pippin)
* "Dern It All" (Eowyn's rant re: sneaking off to battle--very Annie Get Your Gun)
* "Stewed Rabbits, No Taters" (tragio-comic Sam/Gollum number)
* "My Brother/Western Windows/Not If I Passed It on the Highway" (Faramir's Ithilien medley)
* Reprise medley/duet: "Frodo's Lament" and "Leave My Master Be" (Sam/Frodo)
* "Tricksy" (Gollum's evil plot)
* "Shelob-a-lula" (a swing/blues number sung by Shelob and showing that I am a bad, bad person)
* "See It Through" (Sam leaves Frodo and takes the Ring)
Act 3
* "Steward and Sons" (Minas Tirith Chorus number, with power solos by Denethor and Faramir)
* reprise: "Ride, Ride, Ride" (with power solos by Merry and Eowyn)
* "Nor Bid the Stars Farewell" (Sam in the tower of Cirith Ungol)
* Pelennor Fields Medley: "Pyre and Light/Horns at Dawn/The Starry Standard"
* "Draw Swords Together" (Eomer/Aragorn battle number--lots of swords tossed like vaudeville canes)
* "Sister-Daughter" (Theoden's death scene)
* "Are You Going to Bury Me?" (Merry and Pippin reunited)
* "Healing Hands" (Aragorn has great bedside manner)
* "Parley" (The Black Gates)
* "Into the Fire" (Frodo, Sam, Gollum at Mount Doom)
* "The Steward and the King" (A Dream Ballet a la Oklahoma: Eowyn, Aragorn, Faramir and company)
* "Knights of the City and the Mark" (Merry and Pippin, this time with a Guys and Dolls spin, like Nathan Detroit and Nicely Nicely)
* "For He's a Jolly Good, Nine-Fingered Fellow" (Legolas and Gimli sing Frodo's praises)
* "Wrapped in Her Soft Blue Cloak" (Ballad: Faramir/Eowyn)
* "The Coronation/Wedding Ballet" (Think Fiddler's wedding scenes crossed with the dream ballet from Oklahoma)
* "Homeward" (Many Partings through Bree)
* "Rules and Tomfools" (return to the Shire)
* Reprise: "Home at Bag-End" (Frodo/Sam)
* "Havens (It Will Never Really Heal)" (Frodo's departure... with a very sad "Anatefka" spin)
* "Well I'm Back/Home at Bag-End" (Sam, Merry, Pippin, Rosie)
* Reprise/closing number: "Peace and Good Tilled Earth"
And there it is. I'd like to say those wacky kids preparing for London 2005 couldn't do more damage than I just did, but sadly, I think I might be wrong.