Dec 21, 2009 17:45
i think i'm supposed to introduce myself by now but its been one of those days, weeks, *sigh* months actually, that just are shitty. i shouldnt really complain. others are going through worse than i. but one still believes that what they're going through is the worst for them at that moment.
what else can go wrong? one may scream silently in frustration, hopelessness, and anger. depression and self-hate, your only true companions. stuck in a time loop it seems. future far beyond one's grasp, neither moving backwards; past not holding one back. and yet...the present seems so thick and unclear. lost in one's present condition, can't look beyond the strifes of the now. present life is nothing but a hindrance to moving forward. the only comfort one can seek, sadly, will never come from friends nor family, but an imaginary world of one's creation. there, time marches on. the characters' one plays overcome, conquer!, their problems with aid from best friends and family.
joy, happiness, and peace.... *contented sigh* who would be crazy to leave?
bliss in one's own world only lasts for so long...
reality...time is slow here. each day blends with the other. always the same. one does not like living in shitty reruns...
support, love, and comfort is refused you. one wonders what has done in life to not receive any from those around you. did you do something wrong? if so, why won't you be told so you can try to fix it? on the other hand, such warm, positive verbs that are longed for and needed in everyone's life to persevere to the end, are complete strangers, one would know not what to do with them if ever given. only reaction would be to reject and flee, despite one's endless searching for them.
you're actually scared of what is required to get them.
reject.
life isn't worth living for it seems you don't matter, not worth anyone's time. no place for one's kind.
waste.
so much potential one is told. smart. high expectations. yet one does not see past their faults. years pass swiftly with no progress, no prospects, no future. not good for anything. just another face in the crowd.
maybe if those words came from those that mattered...
worthless.
nothing helps. one forces to continue a daily regime with no avail. nothing is interesting, not even what one loves to do. imagination contorts, mixes with reality. living another life so one does not have to live their own. wishing their accomplishments, their overcomings would be one's own. reality sucks worse when forced to return. depression and self-hate increased more so. why can't your life be like theirs? what's holding you fast?
life goes on but not yours.
disappointment.
recalling past events where one should've died. why didn't you? some say you're fortunate, been bestowed mercy, a second chance. at what? to live miserably? to not have achieved anything in life? all other's are living their dreams, continuing. graduated. car. house. family. friends. work. living the American life. everyone's moving forward, but not you. your world is still.
life goes on.
coward.
what one gives, will receive. not in your book. looking back, you've given too much. others demanding your attention but never giving anything in return.
give, give, give.
what about you?
not worth the time. not worth a thought.
one does have a part in one's situation. you're a good actor. showing that everything is fine. no wonder no one reaches out to you. yet, you still can't help but think you're not worth anyone's time if they can't even notice a change in you.
fear of disappointment and rejection, that which you long for will not be given, that you'll not be taken seriously, makes you withdraw further inside. withdraw from the world. withdraw from those around you.
you're such a disappointment.
read of others' struggles. their success stories. why can't you be like them? why can't you even try?
burned so many times.
you're a waste.
life's not worth living. looking back, it seemed better back then.
lies.
everyone lies.
what's worse is to lie to oneself.
it was never better. you pretend it was, but it wasn't.
humph. pathetic.
the knife is sharp, long, and inviting. not hard to imagine it slicing through flesh, blood seeping out. life's essence slowly draining from this empty hull.
always curious. how would it feel, death? everyone fears it. whatever waits on the other side, you know you'll deserve. has been your lot in life. everything dealt to you now is well deserved, you convince yourself. life slipping away slowly. relief, for now. the few moments before death will be peaceful, dreamlike you imagine.
the action is never committed. the longing very strong. but your mind is right. always has been. you are a worthless, pathetic, coward. such a disappointment. you fear dying, but you're already dead. conversing and smiling to others like nothing is wrong.
liar.
faker.
you haven't been living at all, have you?
each day, was death. each day, a little more of you died.
all makes sense now.
living in limbo.
future beyond one's grasp.
past not holding back.
present ever there, hindering.
pathetic.
worthless.
waste.
disappointment.
coward.
what was the reason for living again?
depression,
life