(no subject)
Titel: Love kills
Author: Hitsu711
Fandom: The GazettE
Genre: AU, angst, tragity
Warnings: violince, language MEGA ANGST
Rating: NC17
Chapter: One-shot
Disclaimer: i only own the order in which the letters flow
Pairings: UruhaXKai (one sided)
Synopsis: Uruha is prepared to leave Kai, but what is he hideing that might only make matters worse?
Comments: this was only supposed to be a drabble, but i just got so inot this i couldnt help it. so sorry the plot kind sucks
at some parts DX and if its comfusing, its because it would have been a hell of alot longer if i tried to write the whole thing....
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A low thud could be heard through Kai's apartment when said persons knees hit the kitchen tiles. His arms curling around his abused stomach, and doubling over in pain.
The honey blonde hovering over him bends down suddenly grabbing a fistful of chocolate colored hair. He yanks at it violently forcing the other to look into raging eyes. “How dare you, how dare you talk to me like that you little bitch”
The drummer’s eyes begin to well up. He turns his gaze away from the other; he doesn’t want to give the other the satisfaction of seeing him cry like so many times before.
“Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you, you fucking whore!” his grip tightens in the hair in his hands, making the other yelp and look back at him again. “I am leaving and I am not coming back. I want you to go in your bedroom and don’t come out until I’m gone. I don’t want the last thing I see to be your ugly face.” The younger begins to cry again tears falling freely down his cheeks and on to his lap. Kai doesn’t want to here it, doesn’t want to enlarge that Uruha is leaving him. Uruha has been telling him for weeks that he is leaving him. He has even packed his things and they sit in his car now. But Uruha would never really leave kai. After all, Uruha loves him, but kai has done something bad, and doesn’t deserve him any way. “And stop crying you bitch, it’s annoying” he lets go of the brunettes hair roughly, causing the other to almost collide with the kitchen floor.
“Uruha please” his voice is weak and fragile, which matches his prance flawlessly.
“Get your ass in that room” the guitarist spits as he pulls a cigarette out of his jacket.
The brunette examines the other; this person that he has loved for so long is just going to leave? Why? What had kai done to deserve this? All he wanted was for the honey blonde to love him back. His emotions become jumbled and hard to control the more he thinks about it. His sadness is soon replaced my anger, and other feelings he doesn’t even understand. He jumps to his feet walking hastily over to the other man.
“I’m sick of this shit!” he yells though his voice is still shaking. The older just smiles at him. “If you’re so sick of my shit then why do you let me stay here and fuck you?” the words come out, sounding as if they were forced from his mouth.
The drummer throws his right hand at the others head, hitting him right above his jaw.
He stumbles back a bit, taken back by the sudden anger in kai's voice, and from the punch.
The other soon feels guilt over take him. He crawls to the blonde, after all that has happened how is it that he still want to take care of him? “Uruha! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I-‘“shut up!!” he stands up still holding his face in his hands. After a few moments he looks down at the other “why can’t you grow a back bone?!”
He looks down at Uruha`s shoes thinking before answering “i…I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Uruha growls before walking past the other to pick up his abandoned cigarette.
“That’s not what I meant.” There eyes meet, kai’s full of sadness and questioning, and Uruha`s flaring of anger and annoyance. “Why can’t you just let me go?” the blonde looks away, almost has if he has said something he shouldn’t have. There is an awkward silence, kai stands up walking towards the blonde again. He puts his hand to Uruha`s soar cheek “because I love you” he smacks his hand away “keep you hands off me”
Kai backs away, looking as if he has giving up. The other turns towards the door. Turning his back to kai. But he soon finds he can’t leave. Kai has flung himself onto him. His arms wrapping around his slim waist. “Please kouyou!! Don’t leave me alone!” the blonde struggles in his grasp “get the hell off me Kai!” “No! Never!!” the younger begins to weep into the taller man’s back, holding on as if his life depends on it. The other soon is free of his arms. He turns around facing the other before knocking him to the ground again. This time his head makes contact with the living room table. He watches in horror as blood spills from the brunettes head. The drummer looks at him like he doesn’t understand what has just happened. He puts his hand to his head and seeing blood run down his arm. He begins to whimper and barely makes it to his feet. “Kai sit down you idiot!” “No” the other whispers.
The blonde takes kai in his arms setting him on the couch. “Now stay here, I’m going to call the hospital” the injured man shakes his head vigorously. “No, please don’t. No”
“Kai you are loosing too much blood” he begins dialing the number for the hospital.
“Since when have you ever cared about me? You don’t care about me”
Kai knew he may have been partially delirious from the giant gash in his head, but he was right. Uruha had never loved him from the beginning. He knew this and his band mates knew it too. But kai was convinced he could change Uruha`s mind. He hoped that if he gave Uruha every thing he wanted, pampered and obeyed him, that maybe some day he would love kai back with just has much passion.
Uruha`s phone snapped shut. “Fine, maybe ill just sit here and watch you bleed to death” the others voice broke through his thoughts. “I’m not gonna bleed to death!” He looked at the blonde who was now sitting on the couch looking intently at him from the side. “I love you” the taller rolled his eyes turning his gaze to stare at a wall. “Not this again” kai felt himself dyeing inside; no matter how many times kai told Uruha he loved him Uruha would never return the favor. He put his hand to his head and sate up on the now blood stained couch. “Where are you going?” kai didn’t answer, he merely stumbled his way to the bathroom holding himself up against a wall.
He slowly looked at himself in the mirror, taking in every detail. His hair was in a mess sticking out at a weird angle. The blood had drastically slowed. Thank god. But the remaining blood was still running down his face and neck. His eyes where so tired of crying. They had become pink and where burning like hell. He almost felt embarrassed looking like this in front of Uruha, when he came around the corner and leaned on the door frame.
He turned his head away just had before but this time Uruha didn’t lay a finger on him.
“Why won’t you love me Uru?” he slurred out still slightly dizzy. “Kai could almost hear Uruha scowl. “It’s not that easy, kai…” what the hell kind of excuse it that?! Kai thought.
He turned looking Uruha straight in the eyes, trying to find the truth behind those beautiful golden eyes. “What am I to you then Uruha?” this caught the guitarist off guard he looked at kai searching his eyes as well. “Kai…”
Am I just some toy to you Uruha? You let me take care of you when your in a good mood and then you beat and insult me when your angry?!”
Uruha bit his lip, becoming progressively annoyed by the brunettes tone. “you really want to know what you are to me kai?’ the other glared at him “a good fuck. That is all you are to me. And what I still want to know is why you are still groveling and trying to make me love you. I don’t love you kai, I never did and I never will”
Kai had already known the answer to his question, but hearing Uruha say it was almost too much. His vision became blurry from tears, he wiped them away violently. Surly there would be red marks later.
All the while Uruha stood there watching the younger cry, yet again. A satisfied look on his face and something slightly different hiding just beneath the surface. He strode away picking up a few of his things. “It’s a shame ill have to remember you like this” kai hurled himself around the corner, slamming against, the back of the couch in the processes. Uruha turned around just in time to see him fall to the ground yet again. He had to admit, kai was a lovely one, and very sweet at that. Kai’s sobbing became louder, remembering the first time Uruha had looked at him that way. “Uruha please, just stay with me. Ill do any thing”
He managed to say in-between his cries. His tears mixing with his blood. His whole world was falling apart, and all Uruha had to do was walk out that door to destroy what was left. Uruha was on the brink of breaking down, this feeling he had. He couldn’t hold it back seeing kai like this.
He was surprised when he saw the other kneel down in front of him and felt two slender hands holding his face gently. His face close enough to feel Uruha`s breath on his lips.
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you this way” the blonde’s voice was soft and soothing. The voice he used when he had truly hurt kai. His left hand pulled a few chocolate strands out of kai’s face, and his left thumb stroking over the blood on his cheek. “I did want it to end this way”
“Then why?” kais voice was barely audible as he closed his eyes. Part of him was saying this was wrong, but the larger part of him wanted Uruha`s touch so badly.
Uruha let out a shaky breath. His eyes were also becoming slightly blurred “I though…that…maybe if I did those things to you, that you would leave me….i wanted you to be able to move on, and find some one who could care about as much as…you care about me. I never wanted this” The blonde was defiantly crying now, but not loudly like kai; sniffing every so often and his shoulders shaking. He pulled kai into his arms.
Thus burying kai’s head in his jacket, not caring about the red fluid that threatened to stay there.
All the blonde could feel was utter guilt. He couldn’t understand why he chose to solve his problems in such a desperate and idiotic way.
Kai immediately leaned into Uruha`s heaving, but strong form. “I’m sorry I can’t love you, kai” they both sate there taking in each others warmth. Kai’s embrace tightening, afraid to let go. Uruha pulled away far too soon to kai’s liking, but the blondes hands where soon on his face again. “Kai. Promise me some thing.” Kai nodded tiredly. “When I walk out the door, I want you to promise me that you will not go looking for me. That you will find some one else, and be as good to them as you where to me”
If Uruha was still holding kai, he would surly have been able to here kais hard break into even smaller pieces. He would have cried if he had had any tears left to cry. “But, but I love you Uruha” “kai look at me” he looked into those golden eyes again, but not being afraid this time. “Do it for me…please.” Kai let one last tear fall before nodding and letting Uruha wipe it away. “Come here” the older said holding his arms out to kai. “Ill stay just a bit longer”
He lifted kai off the floor and nearly carried him to there bedroom…or at least kai’s bedroom. After helping him undress from his blooded shirt and pants -which Uruha had never done for kai- Uruha went to the bathroom to get a damp cloth. When he returned he gently cleaned the chocolate hair and wiped the blood and tears from his face, neck and hands. All the while kai told Uruha that he forgave him for every thing, and how he could never be angry at him. Uruha only assured him that he was a huge dick and that if kai wouldn’t be angry at him; he would make sure to punish himself for every last scratch he had left on the younger’s body and heart.
After pulling one of his own shirts over kai's head he laid him down under the covers, promising kai he wouldn’t leave until he was asleep. He lied facing to kai, letting the other curl up into his chest one last time. “Will I ever see you again?” The younger whispers. Uruha runs his hand up and down the brunettes back. “Maybe…but…I am going very far away. But I promise we will meet after this life at least” Kai laughed a little and the answer.
Kai opens his eyes and looks up at the other who is staring down at him already.
“Uruha?”
“Hm?”
“Would you do me one last favor before I fall asleep?”
Uruha lets his hand run over kai’s cheek.
“What is it?”
Uruha feels the brunette’s cheeks become warm, and he smiles to himself.
“w-would you… would you kiss me. Just one last time?” his voice breaks on the word ‘last’
The blonde puts his lips to the younger’s forehead. Suppressing the urge to cry himself.
“I will. But only if you go to sleep afterwards.” He feels the other nod. And then looks down at the other.
He shifts a bit, to make it easier to look fully at kai. He slowly presses his lips against kai’s, kissing him gently. But that is obviously not what kais wants, because after a few moments, he put his arms around Uruha`s waist. His tongue darts out to lick at the blonds lips, letting him know that he wants everything he can get out of that one kiss.
The older soon gets the hint and lets his own tongue slid out and dominate the kiss.
This almost felt wrong to uruha; because he knew that it was wrong of him to take advantage of kai. But if this is what kai wanted, then kai could have what ever he wanted. Just has he had done for Uruha.
Kai was holding desperately to Uruha, kissing him franticly and yet slowly. Pouring out all his emotions into that one kiss. Trying to remember every thing about it. The taste of Uruha in his mouth and the feeling of him being so close to kai.
Kai couldn’t help it, but every now and then the kiss would go straight to his crotch.
He tried so hard not to make a sound, or any movement suggesting so.
The older had to pull away when he heard a soft moan escape kai’s lips.
The younger bit his lip, regretting the sound he had made. If he had just kept quiet maybe the kiss would have lasted longer. But it was futile since they both needed air; the kiss had left them both breathless.
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be, it’s my entire fault” Uruha looked into kai’s eyes, they where still full of sadness, but also filled with something else. Denial? He looked at kai his face just as pretty as the first time they had met. Uruha may not have loved kai, but he still cared dearly about the other.
Kai’s eyes where jutting around Uruha`s face, trying to remember every detail, every line and color and every feature. “Ill love you no matter what, forever. I will find another, but I will never love them as much as you”
Uruha didn’t know whether to be happy to be loved so much, or to be worried of what would happen after he actually left.
“Sleep” was all Uruha could mutter. Kai obediently nestled back into the blonde’s chest. Taking in his scent. Uruha held in his small cries as kai drifted off to sleep.
The blonde’s right hand still on kai’s soft cheek and his left, wrapped around his frail form protectively. “Good night, sweetheart” kai could barely hear those final words but they would stay with him for ever.
When the younger woke he didn’t want to open his eyes. He snuggled farther under the blankets trying to find warmth and hide from the sun at the same time. He got out of bed clueless to last nights events. He walked into the living room, finding the dried blood on the couch, he gasped loudly. He unconsciously backs into a wall and soon feels an unbearable pain in that back of his head.
And that’s when he remembers every thing, the fight, the blood, the tears, confessions, the confusion, the kindness, and the kisses. They all come jumping at him all at once, Uruha`s face flashing before him. He runs to the front door jutting his head out and running down the stairs to the parking lot out side. He franticly looks around for the blonde’s car. Yelling his name and getting weird looks from people. He is still in boxers and Uruha`s shirt. His feet are numb from the snow and he can feel the icy wind hitting his exposed skin making him shiver. But he doesn’t care he runs back inside. Tears in his eyes as he runs through his front door, -not even bothering to close it-
And runs around the apartment looking for the man. All his things are gone all but the shirt he wares which he clings to awkwardly, terrified that it will leave him just has his love had.
He soon remembers the promise he made to Uruha and begins to cry harder. He runs to the bedroom and lands in the last place he had seen Uruha. Searching for the blonde’s sweet aroma. “FUCK!!” he screams when he can no longer find the smell of the blonde’s cologne.
He lies in the place where his loves body had left an impression in the sheets.
Curling his fists in to the shirt he wares, and curling himself into a weeping ball.
He lays there sobbing for hours. He finaly gets up again only to kick and punch at anything he can reach. He goes to the kitchen and knocks over the vase on the table, the shards scattering across the floor, threatening to cut at kai’s feet. He then goes to the living room to kick in the TV and pull all the books off the shelves. By the time he is finished he has nothing left to destroy. He soon turned to hurting himself, pulling at his own hair and banging his head against a wall.
This was too much for kai. After so many years of loving Uruha, kai just couldn’t take it.
He never thought he would ever be able to feel this horrible ever. And nothing could make it go away. Kai soon came back to the bath room. Looking at his reflection in the shattered mirror. When kai looked into the mirror all he saw was a worthless, spineless weakling. This had to be a dream… all his memories of Uruha flowing out of his heart and overwhelming him. He let himself fall to the floor, ignoring the pain when his head hit the floor.
His whole world had come crashing down around him, his heart now nothing but dust, slowly blowing away in the wind. He knew what he had promised the blonde but he didn’t think it would be so hard. He hated himself even more for this,
Carving red marks into his for-arms and neck with his nails. He hated himself for being so weak, and hated himself for letting Uruha slip away.
He needed to do something, anything. He got up suddenly, making him tumble to the floor. He got up again running to the kitchen. He needed something, to make this numbness to go away. And he needed to punish himself for being so vulnerable. He raided the draws looking for something sharp. He soon found a short knife. One that he knew wouldn’t hit any thing vital…unless he wanted it to. He couldn’t even wait to get to the tub; he stabbed the knife into his right thigh. Watching has the blood run down his bare leg. Screaming the guitarist’s name until his voice was hoarse.
He began to cry again. With every sob he hated himself even more stabbing at his right leg repeatedly, before falling on those hard tiles-along with the broken glass, from nameless items- yet again. He didn’t care about himself any more. He didn’t care that his body was weakening. He didn’t even care when he saw his band mates Ruki, Reita and Aoi come into his house in shock.
He just laid there stabbing his leg while Reita called 911, and while Aoi tried to take the knife from his hand. He didn’t even care when he saw Ruki begin to cry uncontrollably, unable to move from his spot at the kitchen door.
He hated himself and he loved Uruha and that’s all that mattered.
NOTES: some body wanna tell me what the hell is wrong with my Uru and Kai muse, cuz i sure as hell dont know.
smacks the both of them* stop being drama whores!!
i might continue this after Asylums, i might not. depending on how this fic come out to you guys...
this was my first super angst/ first Gazetto fic so...comments are luve!!
.
Author: Hitsu711
Fandom: The GazettE
Genre: AU, angst, tragity
Warnings: violince, language MEGA ANGST
Rating: NC17
Chapter: One-shot
Disclaimer: i only own the order in which the letters flow
Pairings: UruhaXKai (one sided)
Synopsis: Uruha is prepared to leave Kai, but what is he hideing that might only make matters worse?
Comments: this was only supposed to be a drabble, but i just got so inot this i couldnt help it. so sorry the plot kind sucks
at some parts DX and if its comfusing, its because it would have been a hell of alot longer if i tried to write the whole thing....
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A low thud could be heard through Kai's apartment when said persons knees hit the kitchen tiles. His arms curling around his abused stomach, and doubling over in pain.
The honey blonde hovering over him bends down suddenly grabbing a fistful of chocolate colored hair. He yanks at it violently forcing the other to look into raging eyes. “How dare you, how dare you talk to me like that you little bitch”
The drummer’s eyes begin to well up. He turns his gaze away from the other; he doesn’t want to give the other the satisfaction of seeing him cry like so many times before.
“Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you, you fucking whore!” his grip tightens in the hair in his hands, making the other yelp and look back at him again. “I am leaving and I am not coming back. I want you to go in your bedroom and don’t come out until I’m gone. I don’t want the last thing I see to be your ugly face.” The younger begins to cry again tears falling freely down his cheeks and on to his lap. Kai doesn’t want to here it, doesn’t want to enlarge that Uruha is leaving him. Uruha has been telling him for weeks that he is leaving him. He has even packed his things and they sit in his car now. But Uruha would never really leave kai. After all, Uruha loves him, but kai has done something bad, and doesn’t deserve him any way. “And stop crying you bitch, it’s annoying” he lets go of the brunettes hair roughly, causing the other to almost collide with the kitchen floor.
“Uruha please” his voice is weak and fragile, which matches his prance flawlessly.
“Get your ass in that room” the guitarist spits as he pulls a cigarette out of his jacket.
The brunette examines the other; this person that he has loved for so long is just going to leave? Why? What had kai done to deserve this? All he wanted was for the honey blonde to love him back. His emotions become jumbled and hard to control the more he thinks about it. His sadness is soon replaced my anger, and other feelings he doesn’t even understand. He jumps to his feet walking hastily over to the other man.
“I’m sick of this shit!” he yells though his voice is still shaking. The older just smiles at him. “If you’re so sick of my shit then why do you let me stay here and fuck you?” the words come out, sounding as if they were forced from his mouth.
The drummer throws his right hand at the others head, hitting him right above his jaw.
He stumbles back a bit, taken back by the sudden anger in kai's voice, and from the punch.
The other soon feels guilt over take him. He crawls to the blonde, after all that has happened how is it that he still want to take care of him? “Uruha! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I-‘“shut up!!” he stands up still holding his face in his hands. After a few moments he looks down at the other “why can’t you grow a back bone?!”
He looks down at Uruha`s shoes thinking before answering “i…I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Uruha growls before walking past the other to pick up his abandoned cigarette.
“That’s not what I meant.” There eyes meet, kai’s full of sadness and questioning, and Uruha`s flaring of anger and annoyance. “Why can’t you just let me go?” the blonde looks away, almost has if he has said something he shouldn’t have. There is an awkward silence, kai stands up walking towards the blonde again. He puts his hand to Uruha`s soar cheek “because I love you” he smacks his hand away “keep you hands off me”
Kai backs away, looking as if he has giving up. The other turns towards the door. Turning his back to kai. But he soon finds he can’t leave. Kai has flung himself onto him. His arms wrapping around his slim waist. “Please kouyou!! Don’t leave me alone!” the blonde struggles in his grasp “get the hell off me Kai!” “No! Never!!” the younger begins to weep into the taller man’s back, holding on as if his life depends on it. The other soon is free of his arms. He turns around facing the other before knocking him to the ground again. This time his head makes contact with the living room table. He watches in horror as blood spills from the brunettes head. The drummer looks at him like he doesn’t understand what has just happened. He puts his hand to his head and seeing blood run down his arm. He begins to whimper and barely makes it to his feet. “Kai sit down you idiot!” “No” the other whispers.
The blonde takes kai in his arms setting him on the couch. “Now stay here, I’m going to call the hospital” the injured man shakes his head vigorously. “No, please don’t. No”
“Kai you are loosing too much blood” he begins dialing the number for the hospital.
“Since when have you ever cared about me? You don’t care about me”
Kai knew he may have been partially delirious from the giant gash in his head, but he was right. Uruha had never loved him from the beginning. He knew this and his band mates knew it too. But kai was convinced he could change Uruha`s mind. He hoped that if he gave Uruha every thing he wanted, pampered and obeyed him, that maybe some day he would love kai back with just has much passion.
Uruha`s phone snapped shut. “Fine, maybe ill just sit here and watch you bleed to death” the others voice broke through his thoughts. “I’m not gonna bleed to death!” He looked at the blonde who was now sitting on the couch looking intently at him from the side. “I love you” the taller rolled his eyes turning his gaze to stare at a wall. “Not this again” kai felt himself dyeing inside; no matter how many times kai told Uruha he loved him Uruha would never return the favor. He put his hand to his head and sate up on the now blood stained couch. “Where are you going?” kai didn’t answer, he merely stumbled his way to the bathroom holding himself up against a wall.
He slowly looked at himself in the mirror, taking in every detail. His hair was in a mess sticking out at a weird angle. The blood had drastically slowed. Thank god. But the remaining blood was still running down his face and neck. His eyes where so tired of crying. They had become pink and where burning like hell. He almost felt embarrassed looking like this in front of Uruha, when he came around the corner and leaned on the door frame.
He turned his head away just had before but this time Uruha didn’t lay a finger on him.
“Why won’t you love me Uru?” he slurred out still slightly dizzy. “Kai could almost hear Uruha scowl. “It’s not that easy, kai…” what the hell kind of excuse it that?! Kai thought.
He turned looking Uruha straight in the eyes, trying to find the truth behind those beautiful golden eyes. “What am I to you then Uruha?” this caught the guitarist off guard he looked at kai searching his eyes as well. “Kai…”
Am I just some toy to you Uruha? You let me take care of you when your in a good mood and then you beat and insult me when your angry?!”
Uruha bit his lip, becoming progressively annoyed by the brunettes tone. “you really want to know what you are to me kai?’ the other glared at him “a good fuck. That is all you are to me. And what I still want to know is why you are still groveling and trying to make me love you. I don’t love you kai, I never did and I never will”
Kai had already known the answer to his question, but hearing Uruha say it was almost too much. His vision became blurry from tears, he wiped them away violently. Surly there would be red marks later.
All the while Uruha stood there watching the younger cry, yet again. A satisfied look on his face and something slightly different hiding just beneath the surface. He strode away picking up a few of his things. “It’s a shame ill have to remember you like this” kai hurled himself around the corner, slamming against, the back of the couch in the processes. Uruha turned around just in time to see him fall to the ground yet again. He had to admit, kai was a lovely one, and very sweet at that. Kai’s sobbing became louder, remembering the first time Uruha had looked at him that way. “Uruha please, just stay with me. Ill do any thing”
He managed to say in-between his cries. His tears mixing with his blood. His whole world was falling apart, and all Uruha had to do was walk out that door to destroy what was left. Uruha was on the brink of breaking down, this feeling he had. He couldn’t hold it back seeing kai like this.
He was surprised when he saw the other kneel down in front of him and felt two slender hands holding his face gently. His face close enough to feel Uruha`s breath on his lips.
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you this way” the blonde’s voice was soft and soothing. The voice he used when he had truly hurt kai. His left hand pulled a few chocolate strands out of kai’s face, and his left thumb stroking over the blood on his cheek. “I did want it to end this way”
“Then why?” kais voice was barely audible as he closed his eyes. Part of him was saying this was wrong, but the larger part of him wanted Uruha`s touch so badly.
Uruha let out a shaky breath. His eyes were also becoming slightly blurred “I though…that…maybe if I did those things to you, that you would leave me….i wanted you to be able to move on, and find some one who could care about as much as…you care about me. I never wanted this” The blonde was defiantly crying now, but not loudly like kai; sniffing every so often and his shoulders shaking. He pulled kai into his arms.
Thus burying kai’s head in his jacket, not caring about the red fluid that threatened to stay there.
All the blonde could feel was utter guilt. He couldn’t understand why he chose to solve his problems in such a desperate and idiotic way.
Kai immediately leaned into Uruha`s heaving, but strong form. “I’m sorry I can’t love you, kai” they both sate there taking in each others warmth. Kai’s embrace tightening, afraid to let go. Uruha pulled away far too soon to kai’s liking, but the blondes hands where soon on his face again. “Kai. Promise me some thing.” Kai nodded tiredly. “When I walk out the door, I want you to promise me that you will not go looking for me. That you will find some one else, and be as good to them as you where to me”
If Uruha was still holding kai, he would surly have been able to here kais hard break into even smaller pieces. He would have cried if he had had any tears left to cry. “But, but I love you Uruha” “kai look at me” he looked into those golden eyes again, but not being afraid this time. “Do it for me…please.” Kai let one last tear fall before nodding and letting Uruha wipe it away. “Come here” the older said holding his arms out to kai. “Ill stay just a bit longer”
He lifted kai off the floor and nearly carried him to there bedroom…or at least kai’s bedroom. After helping him undress from his blooded shirt and pants -which Uruha had never done for kai- Uruha went to the bathroom to get a damp cloth. When he returned he gently cleaned the chocolate hair and wiped the blood and tears from his face, neck and hands. All the while kai told Uruha that he forgave him for every thing, and how he could never be angry at him. Uruha only assured him that he was a huge dick and that if kai wouldn’t be angry at him; he would make sure to punish himself for every last scratch he had left on the younger’s body and heart.
After pulling one of his own shirts over kai's head he laid him down under the covers, promising kai he wouldn’t leave until he was asleep. He lied facing to kai, letting the other curl up into his chest one last time. “Will I ever see you again?” The younger whispers. Uruha runs his hand up and down the brunettes back. “Maybe…but…I am going very far away. But I promise we will meet after this life at least” Kai laughed a little and the answer.
Kai opens his eyes and looks up at the other who is staring down at him already.
“Uruha?”
“Hm?”
“Would you do me one last favor before I fall asleep?”
Uruha lets his hand run over kai’s cheek.
“What is it?”
Uruha feels the brunette’s cheeks become warm, and he smiles to himself.
“w-would you… would you kiss me. Just one last time?” his voice breaks on the word ‘last’
The blonde puts his lips to the younger’s forehead. Suppressing the urge to cry himself.
“I will. But only if you go to sleep afterwards.” He feels the other nod. And then looks down at the other.
He shifts a bit, to make it easier to look fully at kai. He slowly presses his lips against kai’s, kissing him gently. But that is obviously not what kais wants, because after a few moments, he put his arms around Uruha`s waist. His tongue darts out to lick at the blonds lips, letting him know that he wants everything he can get out of that one kiss.
The older soon gets the hint and lets his own tongue slid out and dominate the kiss.
This almost felt wrong to uruha; because he knew that it was wrong of him to take advantage of kai. But if this is what kai wanted, then kai could have what ever he wanted. Just has he had done for Uruha.
Kai was holding desperately to Uruha, kissing him franticly and yet slowly. Pouring out all his emotions into that one kiss. Trying to remember every thing about it. The taste of Uruha in his mouth and the feeling of him being so close to kai.
Kai couldn’t help it, but every now and then the kiss would go straight to his crotch.
He tried so hard not to make a sound, or any movement suggesting so.
The older had to pull away when he heard a soft moan escape kai’s lips.
The younger bit his lip, regretting the sound he had made. If he had just kept quiet maybe the kiss would have lasted longer. But it was futile since they both needed air; the kiss had left them both breathless.
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be, it’s my entire fault” Uruha looked into kai’s eyes, they where still full of sadness, but also filled with something else. Denial? He looked at kai his face just as pretty as the first time they had met. Uruha may not have loved kai, but he still cared dearly about the other.
Kai’s eyes where jutting around Uruha`s face, trying to remember every detail, every line and color and every feature. “Ill love you no matter what, forever. I will find another, but I will never love them as much as you”
Uruha didn’t know whether to be happy to be loved so much, or to be worried of what would happen after he actually left.
“Sleep” was all Uruha could mutter. Kai obediently nestled back into the blonde’s chest. Taking in his scent. Uruha held in his small cries as kai drifted off to sleep.
The blonde’s right hand still on kai’s soft cheek and his left, wrapped around his frail form protectively. “Good night, sweetheart” kai could barely hear those final words but they would stay with him for ever.
When the younger woke he didn’t want to open his eyes. He snuggled farther under the blankets trying to find warmth and hide from the sun at the same time. He got out of bed clueless to last nights events. He walked into the living room, finding the dried blood on the couch, he gasped loudly. He unconsciously backs into a wall and soon feels an unbearable pain in that back of his head.
And that’s when he remembers every thing, the fight, the blood, the tears, confessions, the confusion, the kindness, and the kisses. They all come jumping at him all at once, Uruha`s face flashing before him. He runs to the front door jutting his head out and running down the stairs to the parking lot out side. He franticly looks around for the blonde’s car. Yelling his name and getting weird looks from people. He is still in boxers and Uruha`s shirt. His feet are numb from the snow and he can feel the icy wind hitting his exposed skin making him shiver. But he doesn’t care he runs back inside. Tears in his eyes as he runs through his front door, -not even bothering to close it-
And runs around the apartment looking for the man. All his things are gone all but the shirt he wares which he clings to awkwardly, terrified that it will leave him just has his love had.
He soon remembers the promise he made to Uruha and begins to cry harder. He runs to the bedroom and lands in the last place he had seen Uruha. Searching for the blonde’s sweet aroma. “FUCK!!” he screams when he can no longer find the smell of the blonde’s cologne.
He lies in the place where his loves body had left an impression in the sheets.
Curling his fists in to the shirt he wares, and curling himself into a weeping ball.
He lays there sobbing for hours. He finaly gets up again only to kick and punch at anything he can reach. He goes to the kitchen and knocks over the vase on the table, the shards scattering across the floor, threatening to cut at kai’s feet. He then goes to the living room to kick in the TV and pull all the books off the shelves. By the time he is finished he has nothing left to destroy. He soon turned to hurting himself, pulling at his own hair and banging his head against a wall.
This was too much for kai. After so many years of loving Uruha, kai just couldn’t take it.
He never thought he would ever be able to feel this horrible ever. And nothing could make it go away. Kai soon came back to the bath room. Looking at his reflection in the shattered mirror. When kai looked into the mirror all he saw was a worthless, spineless weakling. This had to be a dream… all his memories of Uruha flowing out of his heart and overwhelming him. He let himself fall to the floor, ignoring the pain when his head hit the floor.
His whole world had come crashing down around him, his heart now nothing but dust, slowly blowing away in the wind. He knew what he had promised the blonde but he didn’t think it would be so hard. He hated himself even more for this,
Carving red marks into his for-arms and neck with his nails. He hated himself for being so weak, and hated himself for letting Uruha slip away.
He needed to do something, anything. He got up suddenly, making him tumble to the floor. He got up again running to the kitchen. He needed something, to make this numbness to go away. And he needed to punish himself for being so vulnerable. He raided the draws looking for something sharp. He soon found a short knife. One that he knew wouldn’t hit any thing vital…unless he wanted it to. He couldn’t even wait to get to the tub; he stabbed the knife into his right thigh. Watching has the blood run down his bare leg. Screaming the guitarist’s name until his voice was hoarse.
He began to cry again. With every sob he hated himself even more stabbing at his right leg repeatedly, before falling on those hard tiles-along with the broken glass, from nameless items- yet again. He didn’t care about himself any more. He didn’t care that his body was weakening. He didn’t even care when he saw his band mates Ruki, Reita and Aoi come into his house in shock.
He just laid there stabbing his leg while Reita called 911, and while Aoi tried to take the knife from his hand. He didn’t even care when he saw Ruki begin to cry uncontrollably, unable to move from his spot at the kitchen door.
He hated himself and he loved Uruha and that’s all that mattered.
NOTES: some body wanna tell me what the hell is wrong with my Uru and Kai muse, cuz i sure as hell dont know.
smacks the both of them* stop being drama whores!!
i might continue this after Asylums, i might not. depending on how this fic come out to you guys...
this was my first super angst/ first Gazetto fic so...comments are luve!!
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