One night wouldn't be enough [1/1]
Title: One night wouldn’t be enough [1/1]
Pairing: JongKey
Word Count: 4079
Rating: R
Genre: slice of life, romance
Summary: At the age of eight, Jonghyun learns that love does not exist.
Jinki-hyung says it’s a ‘Disney movie’. It’s supposed to mean ‘a fairytale’, Jonghyun thinks. They watch it together, sitting on Jonghyun’s bed. There’s a princess and there’s a prince and they live some wonderful adventures, and then, their lips touch-
“They’re kissing, Jjong” the older boy informs his dumbfounded friend, who’s staring at the screen in shock.
“They’re… what? Why would they?...” he doesn’t understand, what is it supposed to mean?...
“They love each other” Jinki says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world “this way they show each other that they care. Your parents surely do that too. They kiss, then they get married and live happily ever after.”
Jonghyun can only stare at the happy couple; Jinki is way wiser than him, so what he says should be true, right?...
It’s love. To kiss means to love. It’s equal. Love bounds people. Love is beautiful. Love promises a happy-ever-after.
Your parents surely do that too
And yes, they do indeed. Only they’re not half as happy as the princess and the prince from the ‘Disney movie’.
When Jonghyun comes home, his parents are kissing, but it looks more as if dad wants to suffocate mum with his mouth; she clearly doesn’t want to, she tries to wriggle out, she scratches him, kicks him, why why why, mum’s clothes are gone, what’s going on, it’s love, they love, they kiss so they love, why is mum screaming, is dad hurting her? How is that possible, it’s love, they’re happy, it’s beautiful and it holds a promise of a happy-ever-after, Jinki told him so, it’s truth, why is she screaming, oh, dad sees him, why is he yelling, what’s wrong, why is he throwing him out of the house, why mum’s screams quiet down, why is her face swollen and red when he’s allowed to come back, why, they love each other, it’s beautiful, it’s good, it’s-
At the age of eight, Jonghyun learns that love does not exist.
At the age of sixteen, Jonghyun discovers a really nice way to kill time and feel good: sex.
He doesn’t do ‘relationships’, he doesn’t want to know the girls’ names; he doesn’t know why should he even want to do so. He doesn’t know why his friends have girlfriends, why they want to stay committed to one person, do they believe in love, in that stupid, illusive thing? It’s ridiculous, love doesn’t exist, people come and go, there’s no such thing as ‘commitment’.
He quickly realizes that sex is no longer satisfying him. At first it did, it could be compared to first sections of masturbation or newly bought computer game- first times are always exciting and new so that there’s no problem in getting excited. Later on, as you gain experience and it all becomes repetitive, it takes much more effort to feel anything.
He’s eighteen and hasn’t gotten laid in a while. And he doesn’t ever care. It was fun while it lasted but it became boring, just like everything else, just like drinking, just like partying. Now he has to find another way to distract himself from the thoughts about his damn home, which has turned into a living hell, now that mum was replaced with another woman.
He’s beautiful. But that’s not the first thing that catches his attention.
The first thing is his laugh. Loud, honest and carefree laugh that makes Jonghyun unable to walk away.
Next, it’s his lean, slim figure, amazingly accentuated by tight, silver pants and a black t-shirt. And then, those eyes.
God, he is beautiful
It won’t hurt to try it out with a guy; especially after so long without feeling anyone close to him.
He walks up to the laughing, glowing boy and doesn’t hesitate to just get to his point:
“Will you sleep with me?”
The laughter dies quickly and the boy’s eyebrows go up. He scans Jonghyun’s eyes for a good minute and then replies coldly:
“No.”
He walks away. Jonghyun shrugs, walks the other way and forgets about the boy.
But remembers him before going to sleep.
And the next morning.
His laugh is really captivating.
I wonder what his name is.
With such looks he can’t be a virgin.
It takes two more weeks to get over with the idea of sleeping with the boy. It takes another day to meet him again, at Jonghyun’s favourite club. It’s been a while since he last went there, he’s lost his interest in such kind of entertainment. He spots the guy almost immediately, it’s impossible not to notice him, not when he seems to have fallen in some kind of trance, dancing as if he was born to dance.
For a moment, Jonghyun’s confused and embarrassed, but then he regains his usual confidence and walks up to the boy, starts dancing beside him without greeting him anyhow.
The boy frowns and looks at him questioningly. His moves are now slower and kind of distracted, but he’s still moving to the rhythm, as if he has it in his veins. He’s beautiful, Jonghyun notices again. The serious expression makes him look extremely fierce and full of pride. It’s overwhelming.
His mouth opens and closes multiple times, as if he wants to say something.
Jonghyun beats him to it.
“Care for a drink?”
He’s never felt so strangely happy about someone accepting his offer.
“Say, why you wanted to sleep with me?”
Kibum’s eyes are hooded, looking incredibly alluring thanks to their feline shape and the apply of eyeliner. His voice is a bit raspy from drinking too much and it sends shivers through Jonghyun’s body.
“I… haven’t had anyone in my bed in a while, and you seemed pretty attractive to me…”
And he feels embarrassed when he utters those words, for the first time in his life he thinks that what he’s just said is shallow and plain stupid. He’s even more convinced when Kibum chuckles, his laugh is so beautiful, what is this thought even, and he all but hums:
“Hmm, ‘pretty attractive’? I thought you fell in love with me from the first sight or something” he jokes, a lazy smile gracing his mesmerizing features. Jonghyun drinks down his vodka.
“Love doesn’t exist” he simply replies, shrugging. And that is, apparently, another really funny thing to hear. Kibum throws his head back, his neck looks so smooth, and laughs out loud.
“Sure, sure, but what does your girlfriend think of it?” he asks, wiping his eyes and bursting into giggle every now and then.
“I’ve never had one. I don’t need a relationship.” he replies, feeling more and more insecure about his ideology. He’s never bothered to think about it deeper, it’s always been obvious to him- he doesn’t need to make some illusions in his life, he’s strong and independent and doesn’t fall for lies.
It’s been so easy with all the girls that passed his way. But somehow, here, with Kibum, he can’t be so sure of anything anymore. He’s embarrassed. And lost.
Kibum offers him a gentle smile and rests his cheek on his hand.
“But you’re not a virgin.” he states, gazing straight into Jonghyun’s eyes.
The older boy is sure that the twist in his stomach is caused by the amount of alcohol he’s had this night.
“No, I… sex is nice. And healthy, you should try it yourse-“
“You know what, at first I thought you’re just an idiot and a player. But now I realize you’re just really lonely.”
He says it with so much calmness in his voice, with so much conviction, that Jonghyun can’t help but think back of Jinki, of what he’s told him so long ago. He lied to him, didn’t he? So Kibum is lying to him as well. There’s nothing more to it, he’s not lonely, not at all, his eyes are so beautiful, he’s NOT lonely and he won’t drink anything more or else-
Or else?
God how can someone be so beautiful, is this word even appropriate for him?
What the hell am I thinking about?!
He wants these thoughts to go away. He doesn’t need them, doesn’t want to hear them, they’re evil, they’re stupid, they’re-
“I think I should go already, by the way.”
Jonghyun stares at him.
No. No no no no , he won’t go before-
Before WHAT exactly?!
“Why?” he finally croaks out. Kibum smiles apologetically.
“I promised my girlfriend to meet up with her at the train station.”
Jonghyun realizes that he is lonely after all.
They become best friends.
Kibum never brings Nicole with him.
Jonghyun doesn’t want to hear about her. Kibum’s not willing to talk anyways.
A month later, it’s over.
“It’s over” Kibum says, searching for the right words to fill the crossword. Jonghyun looks up from his biology book.
“What is, exactly?” he asks, seeing how Kibum tries to play it cool, to pretend that he’s not going to say something significant. He stands up and sits beside him on the couch. Kibum’s still doesn’t look up, scribbling something on the paper.
“Me and Nicole” he shrugs casually and Jonghyun feels weird “it’s over. We broke up.”
“… You… but… how’s that even possible?” Jonghyun unconsciously inches closer and closer to his friend. Kibum digs a hole in the paper with his pen.
“Well, I kind of betrayed her” he smiles and sighs, and then finally, finally turns to look at Jonghyun. For the first time Jonghyun has no idea how to read his expression. “I guess I’ve been lonely, too.”
And Jonghyun hates it.
Hates how much he’s happy to hear that Kibum’s not with Nicole anymore.
Hates how it makes him sick, to know that he’s been out with some guy a few nights before and he didn’t even know.
He hates that even if he won’t admit it, he wishes he was in this guy’s place.
But then again, does he want to be Kibum’s one-night-stand?
He takes in the sharp jaw line, prominent cheekbones, shiny, black hair, pierced ears, captivating eyes, bow-shaped lips and he winces.
Never.
(one night wouldn’t be enough)
One day they get drunk at Kibum’s place. He lives on his own, not like Jonghyun who’s still stuck with his dad and his new slut. Jonghyun envies his best friend immensely.
They get drunk, impossibly drunk, until they absolutely lose control over their bodies.
Jonghyun is the one who wakes up first. He wishes he hasn’t.
He’s half-bare, his chest is covered with hickeys. Kibum’s head is resting on his shoulder as he snores quietly, his completely naked body sticking to Jonghyun’s side. His usually pale neck is marked by red spots.
Jonghyun dresses up in the speed of light and leaves the house as fast as it’s humanly possible. He’s shaken up with the fear of what might have happened (who are you kidding, it MUST have happened), he can’t remember a thing.
Kibum apparently does, because when Jonghyun finally has guts to face him and ask him ‘about that night’, Kibum just chuckles merrily and says:
“Ah, that night? We hired some hookers, we were so spent that we didn’t even care. Besides, everyone our age does that. Well, unless they have their own girlfriends to bring them relief” he laughs quietly to himself and leaves Jonghyun confused and remorseful.
This time he can sense a lie. This time he knows that Kibum is lying to him.
He hates it. Hates how he can’t just talk to him about it.
Part of him wishes he never left after waking up with Kibum in his arms.
They’re still best friends, they still meet up at least three times per week after classes, but there’s a new unspoken rule between them- they never drink alcohol when they’re together.
Just in case.
It’s funny how we both avoid the subject, Jonghyun thinks. It’s funny how I still can’t remember anything from that night and yet I wish I could.
What is certainly not funny is the feeling in his stomach that Jonghyun gets whenever Kibum smiles at him. He can no longer blame it on alcohol or digesting problems.
It’s lust, he thinks. Kibum is an attractive man after all, and Jonghyun hasn’t had sex in a while. It’s natural. Lust is natural.
Only this is not lust. It’s more subtle than that and yet way more overwhelming.
It’s there when Kibum smiles, when he laughs, when he brushes his fingers along Jonghyun’s skin. It’s there were he calls Jonghyun, chats with him for hours and wishes him goodnight. It’s there when it’s already late at night and they still send each other text messages, it’s there when Jonghyun waits in anticipation for another message, sometimes falling asleep with his mobile in his hands.
It’s not lust.
It’s…
Loneliness. Yes, it’s loneliness caused by lack of physical contact with the opposite sex.
She’s pretty but dull. Perfect but annoying with this perfection. She’s skilled, willing and horny and her lips on his make Jonghyun want to vomit.
He blames it on lack of enough alcohol. He drinks some more and goes back to kissing her. Or rather, being kissed.
Another two minutes and he pushes her off him, running towards the toilet.
He vomits and leaves the club.
He’s not able to fantasize. He can’t bring himself to a release on his own.
Maybe he’s too spent already. Maybe he’s had enough in his life already.
Something in his mind tells him it’s not that. It’s just the fact that he-
Oh, Kibum send me a new message.
“where the fuck are you? I’m worrying myself sick here, you could have answered any of my calls, you know”
And here it is again. The twist in his stomach, the pounding of his heart, and it’s all caused by-
Guilt. He feels guilty because he made Kibum worry.
He’s NOT thrilled by the fact that someone cares about him.
Absolutely not.
Jonghyun doesn’t want to think too much about Kibum. He tries to push him off his thoughts, he desperately tries not to wonder what’s wrong with his heartbeat when they’re alone in his room.
He doesn’t, doesn’t let his gaze linger for too long on Kibum’s lips, now moving dynamically as he talks with his mum through the phone.
“Yeah, mum, I got it. I love you. Bye.”
He doesn’t, he truly doesn’t want to hear those stupid, foolish three words from him. He doesn’t feel jealous when he hears Kibum directing these words to his mum.
Fuck it, that’s just idiotic, how can he feel jealous because Kibum thinks he loves someone?
Well.
Maybe because he doesn’t think he loves Jonghyun. Or at least doesn’t tell him this.
“Jjong? What’s wrong?”
Fuck it, fuck it all, he doesn’t need it, he doesn’t need to hear these words, they mean nothing anyways.
Kibum’s parents visit him one day. Jonghyun’s there too, struggling with math homework. Kibum’s mum is beautiful and intimidating, sort of like her son; his dad is incredibly handsome and restrained.
But this whole tension breaks when Kibum runs to greet them, full of excitement and affection.
“I missed you so much!”
Jonghyun simply waits until they stop suffocating each other in a ribs-crashing group hug. He feels…
Strange.
“Mum, dad, this is Jonghyun, my friend” Kibum introduces him and his parents greet the older boy with bright smiles.
It’s weird, but somehow, Kibum’s parents are really different from his. They kiss occasionally, only on the cheek though, probably not wanting to make Jonghyun uncomfortable- but yet, even if it’s chaste, there’s something in their gaze, something in their voices, words that they use towards each other, it’s all so… different. Tender. Affectionate.
“Oh, God, you know I love you, honey” Kibum’s mum giggles at someone that her husband just said. Jonghyun frowns involuntarily.
Love.
They manage to live this stupid illusion for pretty long time. That’s just… sad.
Kibum notices how distant Jonghyun became. He tries to make him feel comfortable again, talks to him, laughs a bit too loud, touches him a bit more often than usual- but if anything, it just annoys Jonghyun to no end. He doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want to touch, doesn’t want to listen to Kibum’s laugh, doesn’t want to see his parents all affectionate around each other. It’s…
Unfair.
Kibum doesn’t stop though; he seems determined to make his best friend smile again.
But the smile doesn’t come until much later, when they’re already in bed, Kibum’s parents sleeping in the living room.
Jonghyun’s facing the wall, clearly tense and nervous; when he feels a finger poking his arm, he almost jumps.
“What?” he mumbles, a bit harsher than he intended to. His friend just stares at him, his eyes shining even in darkness. Jonghyun shifts uncomfortably and then turns his whole body to the other side, so that he can face Kibum fully.
And this seems to be exactly what Kibum wanted, because he immediately clings to Jonghyun, his left arm under his neck, the right one circling around his waist, his chin resting on the top of Jonghyun’s head.
Kibum’s scent is everywhere, his warmth is burning Jonghyun’s skin, and his heartbeat sounds like a soft lullaby.
Jonghyun stays awake most of the night.
Jonghyun’s not the brightest person in a world. Sometimes he acts dumb, has a very little knowledge about history and politics, feels comfortable only when the conversation is about music.
Kibum seems to be educated in every possible field, he’s eloquent and intelligent and it intimidates Jonghyun.
Girls are easy to play with, easy to please; Jonghyun’s never had problems with them.
Yet sometimes he has problems when he’s talking to Kibum, his best friend, who strangely becomes everything he can think about.
It’s not like he’s shy around him. It’s not that he loses his train of thoughts whenever Kibum says something to him.
And it’s not, it’s not as if he wants to impress on him with his words, not at all.
There’s this one, particular day when they watch a movie and then play some board game.
Jonghyun decides that it’s enough for him, enough of assuming things, enough of wondering about ‘what-if’. His heart is suddenly in his throat, his fingers tremble as they find the way to Kibum’s high cheekbones. Soft, so soft, Jonghyun thinks and stares into his best friend’s eyes for a mere moment, before he can get even more embarrassed and scared he shuts his eyes and kisses Kibum gently. There’s no reaction, no surprise, no shock, no disgust. But there’s that familiar twist in the stomach, doubled even, a shiver running through Jonghyun’s body and the sweet, sweet taste and texture of Kibum’s lips.
Jonghyun pulls away finally, immediately taking his hands off Kibum’s face; he scans his eyes, searching for any kind of rage.
But there’s none; actually, Kibum’s eyes show happiness and… relief?
It looks like Kibum knows what Jonghyun wants more than he himself.
Jonghyun pretends it never happened. Kibum smiles at him more than usual.
Jonghyun needs a girl. He yearns for someone to grant him some thrilling minutes of sweet oblivion.
But then, he realizes, he can’t think of any girl in a sexual way anymore. Or of anyone for that matter.
Except for-
“Your hands are trembling. Are you cold?”
No, I’m not cold, I’m just anxious. I feel like I don’t own my thoughts anymore, like I can’t control them.
“… Yeah, a bit.”
God, he’s smile is blinding…
“Wanna cuddle then?”
Stop it Kibum, stop it, it’s insane, why suddenly are you in every single second of my fucking miserable life-
“Why not.”
Kibum’s warmth is addicting, Jonghyun finds.
Soon everything about Kibum becomes addicting in Jonghyun’s mind. There’s nothing he would change in him. He’s perfect, absolutely perfect and he both hates and adores him for that.
They listen to one of Peter Murphy’s old albums. Or rather- Kibum listens to it, Jonghyun isn’t focused on the music in the slightest.
He eyes Kibum’s profile, his lips that now are familiar in taste, but it’s still not enough for him.
Kibum catches his gaze and something inside of Jonghyun breaks. They kiss.
They kiss, and then-
And then they love.
He feels alive. He’s never been so alive in his life.
He’s also calm, relaxed. And peaceful.
Kibum’s skin is soft, he caresses his bare back slowly, gently.
His lips are just as soft; Jonghyun kisses him and Kibum purrs and clings to him, still asleep.
Jonghyun smiles at the memory of the last night. Being close to somebody has never felt this right, this pleasurable, this addicting.
He doesn’t want it to be a one night thing. He knows he won’t be able to move on if he’s to lose Kibum.
A sudden, crazy thought hits him:
He wants him. He wants him in his life.
And this thought scares him. But even it’s scary, it’s also thrilling.
Then comes the confusion. If he settles down with Kibum, they’ll just end up hurting each other, they’ll lose this connection, it’s better to keep it this way, to end it like this, so that they won’t regret anything-
But then… is it what he really wants?
Will he be ever able to hurt Kibum intentionally?
Love doesn’t exist, he thinks. His parents are the best example for this.
Yet… is he anything like his parents?
Will he force Kibum to please him, like his father did to his mother?
No, Kibum is too precious for that.
Will he replace him, throw him away like a piece of trash?
God, no, never.
Will he want to wake up like this every morning?
There’s nothing else he currently desires.
Will he give Kibum a happy-ever-after?
If only Kibum will have him.
Does it mean… that he’s… that he’s “the one”?...
No, it’s not like this, I need to stop these stupid thoughts, I just-
Kibum purrs again and slowly opens his eyes. Jonghyun blushes under his gaze. Suddenly, he feels so small, so lost, and again, as if Kibum can read his mind. It’s terrifying and overwhelming.
The younger boy winkles his nose cutely and then slowly sits up and mumbles:
“I’m sore…”
And Jonghyun can only stare at him, at his beautiful back covered with love bites, his slim waist that he gripped a bit too tightly last night. He finds himself speechless and clueless as to what he should do next.
Say hello? Ask if he’s okay?
Suddenly, Kibum turns his head towards Jonghyun and murmurs:
“I thought you’d already brought me a romantic breakfast to bed.”
He smiles lazily, his eyes a bit hooded and Jonghyun melts. He’s sure that if Kibum told him to run naked down the streets, he’d do that with no second thoughts.
He realizes he must look pretty dumb right now, because Kibum chuckles and then leans down to place a swift kiss on his cheek. Then he stands up and walk towards the window, stretching himself along the way. The only thing he’s wearing is his boxers. Jonghyun stares at him, his eyes following every move.
And suddenly, he feels vulnerable and overwhelmed by all those strange emotions that Kibum has caused him through their whole friendship. He doesn’t know how to name them- or maybe he does, he just…
Oh, just stop it, it’s pointless, man up finally.
He’s scared but determined; he follows Kibum who’s now standing at the window, watching how city slowly wakes up.
Jonghyun feels how Kibum shivers when he hugs him from behind. He plants a kiss on his neck, just to feel him shiver again.
And then he places his lips right next to Kibum’s ear and utters something that he’s never though he’d say.
“I think I’m in love” he whispers, his voice a bit shaky.
Kibum turns to face him and the smile that graces his features is the most beautiful thing Jonghyun has ever seen.
He doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, he doesn’t know if Kibum won’t get fed up with him in the future. Frankly- he doesn’t give a damn about it now. He knows he’s doing the right thing, he knows that finally his life has some purpose.
Kibum leans in and kisses him softly.
At the age of nineteen Jonghyun learns that, after all, Jinki never lied to him.
I love you too
__________________________
A/N: Cheesier than I intended, written a couple of days ago because I was on a roll. 'The Longest Day' should be updated within two days, hope you'll like this short pointless something ^^
Pairing: JongKey
Word Count: 4079
Rating: R
Genre: slice of life, romance
Summary: At the age of eight, Jonghyun learns that love does not exist.
Jinki-hyung says it’s a ‘Disney movie’. It’s supposed to mean ‘a fairytale’, Jonghyun thinks. They watch it together, sitting on Jonghyun’s bed. There’s a princess and there’s a prince and they live some wonderful adventures, and then, their lips touch-
“They’re kissing, Jjong” the older boy informs his dumbfounded friend, who’s staring at the screen in shock.
“They’re… what? Why would they?...” he doesn’t understand, what is it supposed to mean?...
“They love each other” Jinki says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world “this way they show each other that they care. Your parents surely do that too. They kiss, then they get married and live happily ever after.”
Jonghyun can only stare at the happy couple; Jinki is way wiser than him, so what he says should be true, right?...
It’s love. To kiss means to love. It’s equal. Love bounds people. Love is beautiful. Love promises a happy-ever-after.
Your parents surely do that too
And yes, they do indeed. Only they’re not half as happy as the princess and the prince from the ‘Disney movie’.
When Jonghyun comes home, his parents are kissing, but it looks more as if dad wants to suffocate mum with his mouth; she clearly doesn’t want to, she tries to wriggle out, she scratches him, kicks him, why why why, mum’s clothes are gone, what’s going on, it’s love, they love, they kiss so they love, why is mum screaming, is dad hurting her? How is that possible, it’s love, they’re happy, it’s beautiful and it holds a promise of a happy-ever-after, Jinki told him so, it’s truth, why is she screaming, oh, dad sees him, why is he yelling, what’s wrong, why is he throwing him out of the house, why mum’s screams quiet down, why is her face swollen and red when he’s allowed to come back, why, they love each other, it’s beautiful, it’s good, it’s-
At the age of eight, Jonghyun learns that love does not exist.
At the age of sixteen, Jonghyun discovers a really nice way to kill time and feel good: sex.
He doesn’t do ‘relationships’, he doesn’t want to know the girls’ names; he doesn’t know why should he even want to do so. He doesn’t know why his friends have girlfriends, why they want to stay committed to one person, do they believe in love, in that stupid, illusive thing? It’s ridiculous, love doesn’t exist, people come and go, there’s no such thing as ‘commitment’.
He quickly realizes that sex is no longer satisfying him. At first it did, it could be compared to first sections of masturbation or newly bought computer game- first times are always exciting and new so that there’s no problem in getting excited. Later on, as you gain experience and it all becomes repetitive, it takes much more effort to feel anything.
He’s eighteen and hasn’t gotten laid in a while. And he doesn’t ever care. It was fun while it lasted but it became boring, just like everything else, just like drinking, just like partying. Now he has to find another way to distract himself from the thoughts about his damn home, which has turned into a living hell, now that mum was replaced with another woman.
He’s beautiful. But that’s not the first thing that catches his attention.
The first thing is his laugh. Loud, honest and carefree laugh that makes Jonghyun unable to walk away.
Next, it’s his lean, slim figure, amazingly accentuated by tight, silver pants and a black t-shirt. And then, those eyes.
God, he is beautiful
It won’t hurt to try it out with a guy; especially after so long without feeling anyone close to him.
He walks up to the laughing, glowing boy and doesn’t hesitate to just get to his point:
“Will you sleep with me?”
The laughter dies quickly and the boy’s eyebrows go up. He scans Jonghyun’s eyes for a good minute and then replies coldly:
“No.”
He walks away. Jonghyun shrugs, walks the other way and forgets about the boy.
But remembers him before going to sleep.
And the next morning.
His laugh is really captivating.
I wonder what his name is.
With such looks he can’t be a virgin.
It takes two more weeks to get over with the idea of sleeping with the boy. It takes another day to meet him again, at Jonghyun’s favourite club. It’s been a while since he last went there, he’s lost his interest in such kind of entertainment. He spots the guy almost immediately, it’s impossible not to notice him, not when he seems to have fallen in some kind of trance, dancing as if he was born to dance.
For a moment, Jonghyun’s confused and embarrassed, but then he regains his usual confidence and walks up to the boy, starts dancing beside him without greeting him anyhow.
The boy frowns and looks at him questioningly. His moves are now slower and kind of distracted, but he’s still moving to the rhythm, as if he has it in his veins. He’s beautiful, Jonghyun notices again. The serious expression makes him look extremely fierce and full of pride. It’s overwhelming.
His mouth opens and closes multiple times, as if he wants to say something.
Jonghyun beats him to it.
“Care for a drink?”
He’s never felt so strangely happy about someone accepting his offer.
“Say, why you wanted to sleep with me?”
Kibum’s eyes are hooded, looking incredibly alluring thanks to their feline shape and the apply of eyeliner. His voice is a bit raspy from drinking too much and it sends shivers through Jonghyun’s body.
“I… haven’t had anyone in my bed in a while, and you seemed pretty attractive to me…”
And he feels embarrassed when he utters those words, for the first time in his life he thinks that what he’s just said is shallow and plain stupid. He’s even more convinced when Kibum chuckles, his laugh is so beautiful, what is this thought even, and he all but hums:
“Hmm, ‘pretty attractive’? I thought you fell in love with me from the first sight or something” he jokes, a lazy smile gracing his mesmerizing features. Jonghyun drinks down his vodka.
“Love doesn’t exist” he simply replies, shrugging. And that is, apparently, another really funny thing to hear. Kibum throws his head back, his neck looks so smooth, and laughs out loud.
“Sure, sure, but what does your girlfriend think of it?” he asks, wiping his eyes and bursting into giggle every now and then.
“I’ve never had one. I don’t need a relationship.” he replies, feeling more and more insecure about his ideology. He’s never bothered to think about it deeper, it’s always been obvious to him- he doesn’t need to make some illusions in his life, he’s strong and independent and doesn’t fall for lies.
It’s been so easy with all the girls that passed his way. But somehow, here, with Kibum, he can’t be so sure of anything anymore. He’s embarrassed. And lost.
Kibum offers him a gentle smile and rests his cheek on his hand.
“But you’re not a virgin.” he states, gazing straight into Jonghyun’s eyes.
The older boy is sure that the twist in his stomach is caused by the amount of alcohol he’s had this night.
“No, I… sex is nice. And healthy, you should try it yourse-“
“You know what, at first I thought you’re just an idiot and a player. But now I realize you’re just really lonely.”
He says it with so much calmness in his voice, with so much conviction, that Jonghyun can’t help but think back of Jinki, of what he’s told him so long ago. He lied to him, didn’t he? So Kibum is lying to him as well. There’s nothing more to it, he’s not lonely, not at all, his eyes are so beautiful, he’s NOT lonely and he won’t drink anything more or else-
Or else?
God how can someone be so beautiful, is this word even appropriate for him?
What the hell am I thinking about?!
He wants these thoughts to go away. He doesn’t need them, doesn’t want to hear them, they’re evil, they’re stupid, they’re-
“I think I should go already, by the way.”
Jonghyun stares at him.
No. No no no no , he won’t go before-
Before WHAT exactly?!
“Why?” he finally croaks out. Kibum smiles apologetically.
“I promised my girlfriend to meet up with her at the train station.”
Jonghyun realizes that he is lonely after all.
They become best friends.
Kibum never brings Nicole with him.
Jonghyun doesn’t want to hear about her. Kibum’s not willing to talk anyways.
A month later, it’s over.
“It’s over” Kibum says, searching for the right words to fill the crossword. Jonghyun looks up from his biology book.
“What is, exactly?” he asks, seeing how Kibum tries to play it cool, to pretend that he’s not going to say something significant. He stands up and sits beside him on the couch. Kibum’s still doesn’t look up, scribbling something on the paper.
“Me and Nicole” he shrugs casually and Jonghyun feels weird “it’s over. We broke up.”
“… You… but… how’s that even possible?” Jonghyun unconsciously inches closer and closer to his friend. Kibum digs a hole in the paper with his pen.
“Well, I kind of betrayed her” he smiles and sighs, and then finally, finally turns to look at Jonghyun. For the first time Jonghyun has no idea how to read his expression. “I guess I’ve been lonely, too.”
And Jonghyun hates it.
Hates how much he’s happy to hear that Kibum’s not with Nicole anymore.
Hates how it makes him sick, to know that he’s been out with some guy a few nights before and he didn’t even know.
He hates that even if he won’t admit it, he wishes he was in this guy’s place.
But then again, does he want to be Kibum’s one-night-stand?
He takes in the sharp jaw line, prominent cheekbones, shiny, black hair, pierced ears, captivating eyes, bow-shaped lips and he winces.
Never.
(one night wouldn’t be enough)
One day they get drunk at Kibum’s place. He lives on his own, not like Jonghyun who’s still stuck with his dad and his new slut. Jonghyun envies his best friend immensely.
They get drunk, impossibly drunk, until they absolutely lose control over their bodies.
Jonghyun is the one who wakes up first. He wishes he hasn’t.
He’s half-bare, his chest is covered with hickeys. Kibum’s head is resting on his shoulder as he snores quietly, his completely naked body sticking to Jonghyun’s side. His usually pale neck is marked by red spots.
Jonghyun dresses up in the speed of light and leaves the house as fast as it’s humanly possible. He’s shaken up with the fear of what might have happened (who are you kidding, it MUST have happened), he can’t remember a thing.
Kibum apparently does, because when Jonghyun finally has guts to face him and ask him ‘about that night’, Kibum just chuckles merrily and says:
“Ah, that night? We hired some hookers, we were so spent that we didn’t even care. Besides, everyone our age does that. Well, unless they have their own girlfriends to bring them relief” he laughs quietly to himself and leaves Jonghyun confused and remorseful.
This time he can sense a lie. This time he knows that Kibum is lying to him.
He hates it. Hates how he can’t just talk to him about it.
Part of him wishes he never left after waking up with Kibum in his arms.
They’re still best friends, they still meet up at least three times per week after classes, but there’s a new unspoken rule between them- they never drink alcohol when they’re together.
Just in case.
It’s funny how we both avoid the subject, Jonghyun thinks. It’s funny how I still can’t remember anything from that night and yet I wish I could.
What is certainly not funny is the feeling in his stomach that Jonghyun gets whenever Kibum smiles at him. He can no longer blame it on alcohol or digesting problems.
It’s lust, he thinks. Kibum is an attractive man after all, and Jonghyun hasn’t had sex in a while. It’s natural. Lust is natural.
Only this is not lust. It’s more subtle than that and yet way more overwhelming.
It’s there when Kibum smiles, when he laughs, when he brushes his fingers along Jonghyun’s skin. It’s there were he calls Jonghyun, chats with him for hours and wishes him goodnight. It’s there when it’s already late at night and they still send each other text messages, it’s there when Jonghyun waits in anticipation for another message, sometimes falling asleep with his mobile in his hands.
It’s not lust.
It’s…
Loneliness. Yes, it’s loneliness caused by lack of physical contact with the opposite sex.
She’s pretty but dull. Perfect but annoying with this perfection. She’s skilled, willing and horny and her lips on his make Jonghyun want to vomit.
He blames it on lack of enough alcohol. He drinks some more and goes back to kissing her. Or rather, being kissed.
Another two minutes and he pushes her off him, running towards the toilet.
He vomits and leaves the club.
He’s not able to fantasize. He can’t bring himself to a release on his own.
Maybe he’s too spent already. Maybe he’s had enough in his life already.
Something in his mind tells him it’s not that. It’s just the fact that he-
Oh, Kibum send me a new message.
“where the fuck are you? I’m worrying myself sick here, you could have answered any of my calls, you know”
And here it is again. The twist in his stomach, the pounding of his heart, and it’s all caused by-
Guilt. He feels guilty because he made Kibum worry.
He’s NOT thrilled by the fact that someone cares about him.
Absolutely not.
Jonghyun doesn’t want to think too much about Kibum. He tries to push him off his thoughts, he desperately tries not to wonder what’s wrong with his heartbeat when they’re alone in his room.
He doesn’t, doesn’t let his gaze linger for too long on Kibum’s lips, now moving dynamically as he talks with his mum through the phone.
“Yeah, mum, I got it. I love you. Bye.”
He doesn’t, he truly doesn’t want to hear those stupid, foolish three words from him. He doesn’t feel jealous when he hears Kibum directing these words to his mum.
Fuck it, that’s just idiotic, how can he feel jealous because Kibum thinks he loves someone?
Well.
Maybe because he doesn’t think he loves Jonghyun. Or at least doesn’t tell him this.
“Jjong? What’s wrong?”
Fuck it, fuck it all, he doesn’t need it, he doesn’t need to hear these words, they mean nothing anyways.
Kibum’s parents visit him one day. Jonghyun’s there too, struggling with math homework. Kibum’s mum is beautiful and intimidating, sort of like her son; his dad is incredibly handsome and restrained.
But this whole tension breaks when Kibum runs to greet them, full of excitement and affection.
“I missed you so much!”
Jonghyun simply waits until they stop suffocating each other in a ribs-crashing group hug. He feels…
Strange.
“Mum, dad, this is Jonghyun, my friend” Kibum introduces him and his parents greet the older boy with bright smiles.
It’s weird, but somehow, Kibum’s parents are really different from his. They kiss occasionally, only on the cheek though, probably not wanting to make Jonghyun uncomfortable- but yet, even if it’s chaste, there’s something in their gaze, something in their voices, words that they use towards each other, it’s all so… different. Tender. Affectionate.
“Oh, God, you know I love you, honey” Kibum’s mum giggles at someone that her husband just said. Jonghyun frowns involuntarily.
Love.
They manage to live this stupid illusion for pretty long time. That’s just… sad.
Kibum notices how distant Jonghyun became. He tries to make him feel comfortable again, talks to him, laughs a bit too loud, touches him a bit more often than usual- but if anything, it just annoys Jonghyun to no end. He doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want to touch, doesn’t want to listen to Kibum’s laugh, doesn’t want to see his parents all affectionate around each other. It’s…
Unfair.
Kibum doesn’t stop though; he seems determined to make his best friend smile again.
But the smile doesn’t come until much later, when they’re already in bed, Kibum’s parents sleeping in the living room.
Jonghyun’s facing the wall, clearly tense and nervous; when he feels a finger poking his arm, he almost jumps.
“What?” he mumbles, a bit harsher than he intended to. His friend just stares at him, his eyes shining even in darkness. Jonghyun shifts uncomfortably and then turns his whole body to the other side, so that he can face Kibum fully.
And this seems to be exactly what Kibum wanted, because he immediately clings to Jonghyun, his left arm under his neck, the right one circling around his waist, his chin resting on the top of Jonghyun’s head.
Kibum’s scent is everywhere, his warmth is burning Jonghyun’s skin, and his heartbeat sounds like a soft lullaby.
Jonghyun stays awake most of the night.
Jonghyun’s not the brightest person in a world. Sometimes he acts dumb, has a very little knowledge about history and politics, feels comfortable only when the conversation is about music.
Kibum seems to be educated in every possible field, he’s eloquent and intelligent and it intimidates Jonghyun.
Girls are easy to play with, easy to please; Jonghyun’s never had problems with them.
Yet sometimes he has problems when he’s talking to Kibum, his best friend, who strangely becomes everything he can think about.
It’s not like he’s shy around him. It’s not that he loses his train of thoughts whenever Kibum says something to him.
And it’s not, it’s not as if he wants to impress on him with his words, not at all.
There’s this one, particular day when they watch a movie and then play some board game.
Jonghyun decides that it’s enough for him, enough of assuming things, enough of wondering about ‘what-if’. His heart is suddenly in his throat, his fingers tremble as they find the way to Kibum’s high cheekbones. Soft, so soft, Jonghyun thinks and stares into his best friend’s eyes for a mere moment, before he can get even more embarrassed and scared he shuts his eyes and kisses Kibum gently. There’s no reaction, no surprise, no shock, no disgust. But there’s that familiar twist in the stomach, doubled even, a shiver running through Jonghyun’s body and the sweet, sweet taste and texture of Kibum’s lips.
Jonghyun pulls away finally, immediately taking his hands off Kibum’s face; he scans his eyes, searching for any kind of rage.
But there’s none; actually, Kibum’s eyes show happiness and… relief?
It looks like Kibum knows what Jonghyun wants more than he himself.
Jonghyun pretends it never happened. Kibum smiles at him more than usual.
Jonghyun needs a girl. He yearns for someone to grant him some thrilling minutes of sweet oblivion.
But then, he realizes, he can’t think of any girl in a sexual way anymore. Or of anyone for that matter.
Except for-
“Your hands are trembling. Are you cold?”
No, I’m not cold, I’m just anxious. I feel like I don’t own my thoughts anymore, like I can’t control them.
“… Yeah, a bit.”
God, he’s smile is blinding…
“Wanna cuddle then?”
Stop it Kibum, stop it, it’s insane, why suddenly are you in every single second of my fucking miserable life-
“Why not.”
Kibum’s warmth is addicting, Jonghyun finds.
Soon everything about Kibum becomes addicting in Jonghyun’s mind. There’s nothing he would change in him. He’s perfect, absolutely perfect and he both hates and adores him for that.
They listen to one of Peter Murphy’s old albums. Or rather- Kibum listens to it, Jonghyun isn’t focused on the music in the slightest.
He eyes Kibum’s profile, his lips that now are familiar in taste, but it’s still not enough for him.
Kibum catches his gaze and something inside of Jonghyun breaks. They kiss.
They kiss, and then-
And then they love.
He feels alive. He’s never been so alive in his life.
He’s also calm, relaxed. And peaceful.
Kibum’s skin is soft, he caresses his bare back slowly, gently.
His lips are just as soft; Jonghyun kisses him and Kibum purrs and clings to him, still asleep.
Jonghyun smiles at the memory of the last night. Being close to somebody has never felt this right, this pleasurable, this addicting.
He doesn’t want it to be a one night thing. He knows he won’t be able to move on if he’s to lose Kibum.
A sudden, crazy thought hits him:
He wants him. He wants him in his life.
And this thought scares him. But even it’s scary, it’s also thrilling.
Then comes the confusion. If he settles down with Kibum, they’ll just end up hurting each other, they’ll lose this connection, it’s better to keep it this way, to end it like this, so that they won’t regret anything-
But then… is it what he really wants?
Will he be ever able to hurt Kibum intentionally?
Love doesn’t exist, he thinks. His parents are the best example for this.
Yet… is he anything like his parents?
Will he force Kibum to please him, like his father did to his mother?
No, Kibum is too precious for that.
Will he replace him, throw him away like a piece of trash?
God, no, never.
Will he want to wake up like this every morning?
There’s nothing else he currently desires.
Will he give Kibum a happy-ever-after?
If only Kibum will have him.
Does it mean… that he’s… that he’s “the one”?...
No, it’s not like this, I need to stop these stupid thoughts, I just-
Kibum purrs again and slowly opens his eyes. Jonghyun blushes under his gaze. Suddenly, he feels so small, so lost, and again, as if Kibum can read his mind. It’s terrifying and overwhelming.
The younger boy winkles his nose cutely and then slowly sits up and mumbles:
“I’m sore…”
And Jonghyun can only stare at him, at his beautiful back covered with love bites, his slim waist that he gripped a bit too tightly last night. He finds himself speechless and clueless as to what he should do next.
Say hello? Ask if he’s okay?
Suddenly, Kibum turns his head towards Jonghyun and murmurs:
“I thought you’d already brought me a romantic breakfast to bed.”
He smiles lazily, his eyes a bit hooded and Jonghyun melts. He’s sure that if Kibum told him to run naked down the streets, he’d do that with no second thoughts.
He realizes he must look pretty dumb right now, because Kibum chuckles and then leans down to place a swift kiss on his cheek. Then he stands up and walk towards the window, stretching himself along the way. The only thing he’s wearing is his boxers. Jonghyun stares at him, his eyes following every move.
And suddenly, he feels vulnerable and overwhelmed by all those strange emotions that Kibum has caused him through their whole friendship. He doesn’t know how to name them- or maybe he does, he just…
Oh, just stop it, it’s pointless, man up finally.
He’s scared but determined; he follows Kibum who’s now standing at the window, watching how city slowly wakes up.
Jonghyun feels how Kibum shivers when he hugs him from behind. He plants a kiss on his neck, just to feel him shiver again.
And then he places his lips right next to Kibum’s ear and utters something that he’s never though he’d say.
“I think I’m in love” he whispers, his voice a bit shaky.
Kibum turns to face him and the smile that graces his features is the most beautiful thing Jonghyun has ever seen.
He doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, he doesn’t know if Kibum won’t get fed up with him in the future. Frankly- he doesn’t give a damn about it now. He knows he’s doing the right thing, he knows that finally his life has some purpose.
Kibum leans in and kisses him softly.
At the age of nineteen Jonghyun learns that, after all, Jinki never lied to him.
I love you too
__________________________
A/N: Cheesier than I intended, written a couple of days ago because I was on a roll. 'The Longest Day' should be updated within two days, hope you'll like this short pointless something ^^