Ashtray Heart [11/13]
Title: Ashtray Heart [11/13]
Pairing: OnHo, 2Min
Rating: R
Word Count: 2036
Genre: angst, smut, slice of life
Summary: Minho cheated. And now he regrets it dearly.
Previous chapters: PROLOGUE, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
He knows he knows he knows he knows he knows he knows
The paralyzing thought fills his entire being, the words seem to poison the blood in his veins, he’s unable to get rid of the letters that echo loudly in his mind.
He knows he knows he knows
He’s scared, he’s never been so scared in his life, but most of all, he’s anxious. He’s frightened about the possible results of the knowing.
He knows he knows he knows he knows
He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it’s the worst thing to do. But, on the other hand, where was the last time he did a right thing?
He can’t leave it like this. He can’t let him disappear without some proper… apologize? He doesn’t even know what he’s up to. But he knows he must to something.
He doesn’t find him in the library. He didn’t come today, they say. He practically begs for his number, somehow bitterly realizing he’s never needed it for the other was there for him just anytime, anyplace. Thankfully, he’s known there, he’s trusted, and soon he has the number. The anxiety rises as he still ponders on what to say, what to do, until he realizes he didn’t take his own phone with him.
That’s what makes him return home once more, just for a moment, just to take his mobile with him, stroke his lover’s forehead lovingly and leave the house again to make a very important and extremely difficult phone call.
Little does he know what awaits him at home.
After Minho leaves to the library, Taemin decides to take a long, nice shower to relax before getting the next chapter of his thesis done. He’s still a bit shocked by the last night, but he doesn’t let it control him. He pushes all the anxious thoughts away, focusing all his might on the work that’s awaiting him on his desk.
He think he hears Minho’s phone’s ringtone, but he decides it’d be just ridiculous, his lover never forgets to bring his phone with him.
However, when he turns the shower off and the sound is still present, he quirks his eyebrow. Before he can grab a towel, the ringtone goes off and it’s quiet in the flat again. Taemin shrugs and brings towel to his damp hair, in attempt to dry them a little. Then he dries the rest of his body as well, combs his wet locks and puts on a bathrobe. He goes to the living room, when he has his laptop, needed books and some notes prepared. He turns on the laptop, and jumps in surprise when he feels something vibrating under his notebook. Only then he takes Minho’s phone in his hand and sees a sign ‘new message from: DinoHead’.
He doesn’t even realize that his lips involuntarily curve into an affectionate smile. Minho’s and Jonghyun’s friendship is both endearing and hilarious to him.
He checks who’s been dialing Minho’s number these past several minutes. It’s also Jonghyun.
Since they have no secrets between them- they’ve never had any- he decides to read Jonghyun’s message to see how he can help him. He’s done that many times before, when Minho would just fall asleep at his desk, having left the phone somewhere near Taemin.
Therefore, he opens the message, expecting some usual ‘where’s my goddamn mamas & the papas cd you frog’.
When the first lines of the message come to his sight, his smile vanishes instantly.
The next few lines make him drop the phone and stare blankly into space.
The moment Minho steps into their apartment, he feels something’s wrong. It’s quiet, way too quiet. He knows that when he’s away, Taemin does anything to not let the anxious silence overpower him, he turns on the television, the radio, anything, so that he doesn’t focus on some usual, but so scary-when-you’re-alone sounds.
Maybe he’s not home? Minho wonders. But no, his shoes are there, right next to the door, the way he’s seen them last time, unmoved. Has he fallen asleep and the CD he turned on stopped playing? Is the electricity off?
“Taeminnie?” he calls out, not exactly expecting an answer, but not wanting his voice to only echo emptily in the hall. He tries again, and again, while approaching the kitchen, checking if Taemin’s there, then the bathroom, to find out he’s not there either.
That’s when he steps into the living room and freezes in his tracks; one part of him is relieved to see the younger boy actually being there, while the other part wishes it wasn’t so.
Taemin’s sitting on the couch, his hands holding an empty mug (one of those little gifts that Minho’s been showering his lover with not so long ago), fingers clutching at it somehow too tightly.
Taemin doesn’t acknowledge his arrival; his gaze is focused on some particular part of the room. His face is somewhat pale, his lips form a straight line, while his eyes…
These eyes that Minho’s fallen for years ago has never looked like this; so empty, lacking any kind of emotions. As if someone’s taken Taemin’s soul away and left the motionless body there.
And it’s all that it takes to dawn on Minho: Taemin knows.
Suddenly the air is so thick that he can feel the tension suffocating him. If he’s felt paralyzed a few hours before, now he’s surely in agony.
He tries to think of any possible solution, any kind of explanation; how much Taemin knows, anyways? Or maybe he actually doesn’t know and it’s something completely different that made him like this… yes, Minho’s just too shaken up after Taemin’s clueless confession, he’s being paranoiac, how would he know anywa-
“Oh, here’s my phone, I thought I’d lost it” a nervous chuckle leaves his lips as he grabs his mobile, realizing that it’s the object that Taemin’s gaze is so focused on; he gulps and makes a move as if to leave, but-
“When where you going to tell me?”
But misery loves company.
Minho can only stare blankly at his lover’s composed, emotionless face, as it turns to let their gazes meet.
No. no no no no no-
“Tell you what?” he asks, desperately trying to sound at least a bit convincing, a bit confused, as if he really doesn’t know what’s the question about.
But they both know he’s playing for time.
“You could have at least some decency to stop pretending now, if you’ve been lying to me for a fair amount of time already” Taemin slowly says, his voice barely above the whisper, so still, so cold…
So unlike him.
“I… I don’t know what you’re-“ Minho tries again, and this time, Taemin’s stoic expression changes; not only his expression, all of the sudden he throws the mug onto the floor so hard that it breaks; his eyes burn, digging daggers into Minho.
“Stop fucking acting! I’ve had enough!” he yells, his pretty face flushed, fingers curling into fists, his whole frame trembling.
Minho doesn’t know what to do, what to say. It’s all happened too fast, too many things at once. It can’t be happening, it’s all just a nightmare, now I’m going to wake up and Taemin will be here still before his first trip to Japan, I’ll tell him not to go for whatever reason, and we’ll spend all day cuddling, there’ll be no party, no Jonghyun, no Jinki, no-
Is ‘I’m sorry’ something he should say? ‘I didn’t mean to’?
Why now all those words sound not only insufficient, but also fake and so, so naïve?
Minho chooses to stay silent. What can he say, anyway?
I love you…?
Is that what Taemin wants to hear?
Is that what he wants to say?...
“So, you don’t have anything to say?” Taemin spits out, his eyes burning with anger and disgust that make Minho flinch.
He sighs shakily and swallows.
“I… I don’t know what you want me to say…” it comes out as a desperate plea, sounding like ‘let’s stop here, please’. But he knows that it’s only the beginning.
“Maybe when has it all began?” Taemin snarls, and Minho can’t quite recognize him. As if all the sweet, positive, endearing things about Taemin suddenly changed into a stream of hateful emotions.
He forces himself to think; being honest after all those months-
“Eight months.”
- is the only thing he can offer Taemin now.
The younger boy frowns.
“Eight months” the words come out as a broken gasp, and for a mere moment he looks so lost and insecure that all that Minho wants is to envelop him in a tight embrace and never let go. However, it lasts only a few seconds, and a moment later, the fire strikes up again.
“On my birthday?” he gapes at Minho, shaking his head at the absurdity and bitterness of it all. “You cheated on me on my fucking birthday?!”
That’s when Minho starts to talk; maybe it is too late to say it now, maybe he should’ve said it way earlier, but it might be the last chance to get validated.
“We almost never got the chance to spend time together, you were away all the time, I was lonely, it felt as if you didn’t care, as if the studies were more important than me, I thought I was… losing you” he exhales, feeling his eyes well up with tears, as his heart clenches painfully at his Taeminnie’s (is he his still…?) still fuming expression.
“Don’t you have a fucking mouth to make a use of it.” Taemin says through his gritted teeth, his fists shaking “Or maybe you do, you just maybe made a use of it in a different way” he adds, making Minho frown instinctively at the words.
“Leave him out of this” Minho says before he can stop himself. That actually makes Taemin laugh, and it’s so similar to Minho’s laugh from the day before that it’s frightening.
But then Taemin’s shoulders begin to tremble violently, as his swollen lips leave no more laugh, but loud sobs. His face softens and he looks like a lost, innocent child that just lost his parents.
“I just… I d-don’t underst-tand” he stutters, making a weak attempt to wipe his tears, but there are just too many of them, never stopping from falling. “I- I t-thought y-you l-loved me” he adds, hiccupping and making Minho’s heart break into tiny little pieces.
“Taeminnie, I do, I lo-”
“Get out of here” Taemin mumbles, covering his eyes with his shaking fingers. When he hears Minho coming towards him, he jerks and screams “get the fuck out of here! Don’t you dare to touch me, get the fuck out, get out, now!”
His lips tremble after he lets out that litany full of hate and self-defense. He parts his lips again, as if to speak, but apparently, he’s too shocked at his own words. Minho makes a little step closer, but-
“Minho. Leave. Please. If you ever loved me, just leave. Please” he pleads now, his voice so unbearably vulnerable that it sends Minho’s to the edge. Soon he’s crying too, behind the front door, gripping his phone desperately.
He needs to go somewhere safe, somewhere he can cry freely, somewhere he can let it all out-
Jonghyun, I need to go to Jonghyun
His hand tremble as he lifts the phone and pushes a random button. His eyes widen at the sight of an opened message from his best friend, one he’s never read before.
Then it all clicks and he feels as the ground leaves his feet.
“minho-yah, i called you 4 times in a row but you didnt pick up.i hope youre with taemin now.ive been thinking a lot about your affair these days and i think that you need to explain it to this guy.its not like you sleep with someone three times and then just disappear.especially if he loves you as you said.it might crush him but its better to be honest than to leave him like that.we need to meet up so we can figure it out somehow.stay strong,say hi to taeminnie from me.”
_____________________________________________________________________________
A/N:
>
Pairing: OnHo, 2Min
Rating: R
Word Count: 2036
Genre: angst, smut, slice of life
Summary: Minho cheated. And now he regrets it dearly.
Previous chapters: PROLOGUE, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
He knows he knows he knows he knows he knows he knows
The paralyzing thought fills his entire being, the words seem to poison the blood in his veins, he’s unable to get rid of the letters that echo loudly in his mind.
He knows he knows he knows
He’s scared, he’s never been so scared in his life, but most of all, he’s anxious. He’s frightened about the possible results of the knowing.
He knows he knows he knows he knows
He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it’s the worst thing to do. But, on the other hand, where was the last time he did a right thing?
He can’t leave it like this. He can’t let him disappear without some proper… apologize? He doesn’t even know what he’s up to. But he knows he must to something.
He doesn’t find him in the library. He didn’t come today, they say. He practically begs for his number, somehow bitterly realizing he’s never needed it for the other was there for him just anytime, anyplace. Thankfully, he’s known there, he’s trusted, and soon he has the number. The anxiety rises as he still ponders on what to say, what to do, until he realizes he didn’t take his own phone with him.
That’s what makes him return home once more, just for a moment, just to take his mobile with him, stroke his lover’s forehead lovingly and leave the house again to make a very important and extremely difficult phone call.
Little does he know what awaits him at home.
After Minho leaves to the library, Taemin decides to take a long, nice shower to relax before getting the next chapter of his thesis done. He’s still a bit shocked by the last night, but he doesn’t let it control him. He pushes all the anxious thoughts away, focusing all his might on the work that’s awaiting him on his desk.
He think he hears Minho’s phone’s ringtone, but he decides it’d be just ridiculous, his lover never forgets to bring his phone with him.
However, when he turns the shower off and the sound is still present, he quirks his eyebrow. Before he can grab a towel, the ringtone goes off and it’s quiet in the flat again. Taemin shrugs and brings towel to his damp hair, in attempt to dry them a little. Then he dries the rest of his body as well, combs his wet locks and puts on a bathrobe. He goes to the living room, when he has his laptop, needed books and some notes prepared. He turns on the laptop, and jumps in surprise when he feels something vibrating under his notebook. Only then he takes Minho’s phone in his hand and sees a sign ‘new message from: DinoHead’.
He doesn’t even realize that his lips involuntarily curve into an affectionate smile. Minho’s and Jonghyun’s friendship is both endearing and hilarious to him.
He checks who’s been dialing Minho’s number these past several minutes. It’s also Jonghyun.
Since they have no secrets between them- they’ve never had any- he decides to read Jonghyun’s message to see how he can help him. He’s done that many times before, when Minho would just fall asleep at his desk, having left the phone somewhere near Taemin.
Therefore, he opens the message, expecting some usual ‘where’s my goddamn mamas & the papas cd you frog’.
When the first lines of the message come to his sight, his smile vanishes instantly.
The next few lines make him drop the phone and stare blankly into space.
The moment Minho steps into their apartment, he feels something’s wrong. It’s quiet, way too quiet. He knows that when he’s away, Taemin does anything to not let the anxious silence overpower him, he turns on the television, the radio, anything, so that he doesn’t focus on some usual, but so scary-when-you’re-alone sounds.
Maybe he’s not home? Minho wonders. But no, his shoes are there, right next to the door, the way he’s seen them last time, unmoved. Has he fallen asleep and the CD he turned on stopped playing? Is the electricity off?
“Taeminnie?” he calls out, not exactly expecting an answer, but not wanting his voice to only echo emptily in the hall. He tries again, and again, while approaching the kitchen, checking if Taemin’s there, then the bathroom, to find out he’s not there either.
That’s when he steps into the living room and freezes in his tracks; one part of him is relieved to see the younger boy actually being there, while the other part wishes it wasn’t so.
Taemin’s sitting on the couch, his hands holding an empty mug (one of those little gifts that Minho’s been showering his lover with not so long ago), fingers clutching at it somehow too tightly.
Taemin doesn’t acknowledge his arrival; his gaze is focused on some particular part of the room. His face is somewhat pale, his lips form a straight line, while his eyes…
These eyes that Minho’s fallen for years ago has never looked like this; so empty, lacking any kind of emotions. As if someone’s taken Taemin’s soul away and left the motionless body there.
And it’s all that it takes to dawn on Minho: Taemin knows.
Suddenly the air is so thick that he can feel the tension suffocating him. If he’s felt paralyzed a few hours before, now he’s surely in agony.
He tries to think of any possible solution, any kind of explanation; how much Taemin knows, anyways? Or maybe he actually doesn’t know and it’s something completely different that made him like this… yes, Minho’s just too shaken up after Taemin’s clueless confession, he’s being paranoiac, how would he know anywa-
“Oh, here’s my phone, I thought I’d lost it” a nervous chuckle leaves his lips as he grabs his mobile, realizing that it’s the object that Taemin’s gaze is so focused on; he gulps and makes a move as if to leave, but-
“When where you going to tell me?”
But misery loves company.
Minho can only stare blankly at his lover’s composed, emotionless face, as it turns to let their gazes meet.
No. no no no no no-
“Tell you what?” he asks, desperately trying to sound at least a bit convincing, a bit confused, as if he really doesn’t know what’s the question about.
But they both know he’s playing for time.
“You could have at least some decency to stop pretending now, if you’ve been lying to me for a fair amount of time already” Taemin slowly says, his voice barely above the whisper, so still, so cold…
So unlike him.
“I… I don’t know what you’re-“ Minho tries again, and this time, Taemin’s stoic expression changes; not only his expression, all of the sudden he throws the mug onto the floor so hard that it breaks; his eyes burn, digging daggers into Minho.
“Stop fucking acting! I’ve had enough!” he yells, his pretty face flushed, fingers curling into fists, his whole frame trembling.
Minho doesn’t know what to do, what to say. It’s all happened too fast, too many things at once. It can’t be happening, it’s all just a nightmare, now I’m going to wake up and Taemin will be here still before his first trip to Japan, I’ll tell him not to go for whatever reason, and we’ll spend all day cuddling, there’ll be no party, no Jonghyun, no Jinki, no-
Is ‘I’m sorry’ something he should say? ‘I didn’t mean to’?
Why now all those words sound not only insufficient, but also fake and so, so naïve?
Minho chooses to stay silent. What can he say, anyway?
I love you…?
Is that what Taemin wants to hear?
Is that what he wants to say?...
“So, you don’t have anything to say?” Taemin spits out, his eyes burning with anger and disgust that make Minho flinch.
He sighs shakily and swallows.
“I… I don’t know what you want me to say…” it comes out as a desperate plea, sounding like ‘let’s stop here, please’. But he knows that it’s only the beginning.
“Maybe when has it all began?” Taemin snarls, and Minho can’t quite recognize him. As if all the sweet, positive, endearing things about Taemin suddenly changed into a stream of hateful emotions.
He forces himself to think; being honest after all those months-
“Eight months.”
- is the only thing he can offer Taemin now.
The younger boy frowns.
“Eight months” the words come out as a broken gasp, and for a mere moment he looks so lost and insecure that all that Minho wants is to envelop him in a tight embrace and never let go. However, it lasts only a few seconds, and a moment later, the fire strikes up again.
“On my birthday?” he gapes at Minho, shaking his head at the absurdity and bitterness of it all. “You cheated on me on my fucking birthday?!”
That’s when Minho starts to talk; maybe it is too late to say it now, maybe he should’ve said it way earlier, but it might be the last chance to get validated.
“We almost never got the chance to spend time together, you were away all the time, I was lonely, it felt as if you didn’t care, as if the studies were more important than me, I thought I was… losing you” he exhales, feeling his eyes well up with tears, as his heart clenches painfully at his Taeminnie’s (is he his still…?) still fuming expression.
“Don’t you have a fucking mouth to make a use of it.” Taemin says through his gritted teeth, his fists shaking “Or maybe you do, you just maybe made a use of it in a different way” he adds, making Minho frown instinctively at the words.
“Leave him out of this” Minho says before he can stop himself. That actually makes Taemin laugh, and it’s so similar to Minho’s laugh from the day before that it’s frightening.
But then Taemin’s shoulders begin to tremble violently, as his swollen lips leave no more laugh, but loud sobs. His face softens and he looks like a lost, innocent child that just lost his parents.
“I just… I d-don’t underst-tand” he stutters, making a weak attempt to wipe his tears, but there are just too many of them, never stopping from falling. “I- I t-thought y-you l-loved me” he adds, hiccupping and making Minho’s heart break into tiny little pieces.
“Taeminnie, I do, I lo-”
“Get out of here” Taemin mumbles, covering his eyes with his shaking fingers. When he hears Minho coming towards him, he jerks and screams “get the fuck out of here! Don’t you dare to touch me, get the fuck out, get out, now!”
His lips tremble after he lets out that litany full of hate and self-defense. He parts his lips again, as if to speak, but apparently, he’s too shocked at his own words. Minho makes a little step closer, but-
“Minho. Leave. Please. If you ever loved me, just leave. Please” he pleads now, his voice so unbearably vulnerable that it sends Minho’s to the edge. Soon he’s crying too, behind the front door, gripping his phone desperately.
He needs to go somewhere safe, somewhere he can cry freely, somewhere he can let it all out-
Jonghyun, I need to go to Jonghyun
His hand tremble as he lifts the phone and pushes a random button. His eyes widen at the sight of an opened message from his best friend, one he’s never read before.
Then it all clicks and he feels as the ground leaves his feet.
“minho-yah, i called you 4 times in a row but you didnt pick up.i hope youre with taemin now.ive been thinking a lot about your affair these days and i think that you need to explain it to this guy.its not like you sleep with someone three times and then just disappear.especially if he loves you as you said.it might crush him but its better to be honest than to leave him like that.we need to meet up so we can figure it out somehow.stay strong,say hi to taeminnie from me.”
_____________________________________________________________________________
A/N:
>