Ashtray Heart [8/13]
Title: Ashtray Heart [8/13]
Pairing: OnHo, 2Min
Rating: R
Word Count: 2000
Genre: angst, smut, slice of life
Summary: Minho cheated. And now he regrets it dearly.
Previous chapters: PROLOGUE, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Taemin’s return makes Minho’s meetings with Jinki less and less frequent. They meet twice a week, once a week. Jinki never asks why, Minho never offers any excuses. He knows he must do something about it, he must end with all those lies and this double life; somehow though he can’t bring himself to confess it all either to Jinki or Taemin.
Now, being with Taemin feels like cheating on Jinki. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Because when he meets with Jinki, just to talk, just to share his feelings about some piece of literature he’s recently demolished, he feels like a cheater too. Even if there’s no kisses, almost no physical contact at all.
No wonder why Jinki begins to seem more and more insecure and confused with each, so rare these days, visit of Minho. They don’t cuddle, don’t hug, don’t hold hands. Jinki never initiates the contact. Minho wants to finish with this stupid feeling blooming inside of him every time he sees the other man.
Especially at times when Jinki is as vulnerable as ever. Like that time when they talked about their ex-lovers. Maybe not exactly ex-lovers… Jinki told Minho all about his girlfriend, who was his first real love, who just treated him and left alone after they slept for the first time. She was his first and last, Minho was the very first man he’d ever had, the very first one to make him feel like this (Minho didn’t want to know what that ‘feel like this’ meant). Therefore Minho admitted that before Jinki, he’d only slept with one person as well. He didn’t go into details, didn’t want to lie or break Jinki with a sudden outburst of truth.
One day, Jinki asks Minho who he is for Minho. The latter is caught off guard by this sudden question, absolutely not prepared for answering it just yet.
He knows what Jinki wants to hear. A lover. That’s what he wants to hear.
Instead, Minho settles with a way more safe- and appropriate- word:
“A soulmate.”
Because there’s no one in this world that understands him so well.
Jinki doesn’t ask him any more questions that day.
Apparently, Jinki feels that they’re drifting apart. The panic overwhelms him.
“I’ve been wondering… maybe… maybe we could… live together?”
This question sort of kills Minho. He knows this pleading tone, he knows this pained look; he knows the reason that stands behind this question.
I just need you close to me
He forces himself to shake his head.
“I… you know that I live with my friend. He… I mean… I can’t leave him… um…” he scratches his head, unsure of how to explain this one. Jinki’s next question helps him.
“Does he… know about… you know, us?” he asks, his voice shaking. Minho winces.
God forbid he doesn’t
“He… n-no, he doesn’t. He… he is kind of homophobic. He… wouldn’t understand. I can’t tell him. I’m sorry, Jinki” he finally says, feeling as every word hurts Jinki even more. But then, he notices something else in his eyes. Understanding. And trust.
He feels sick.
He feels even sicker when Jinki breaks the unsaid pact between them by approaching Minho somewhat shakily and then crushing his lips against Minho’s. He pushes them onto his bed, slapping Minho’s hand when he tries to reach the bottle of wine.
“I want it sober. Let’s see if I’m just imagining this all.”
Minho knows Jinki’s not imagining any of these; his imagination isn’t wild enough to fool his true feelings.
What they have- what they’ve always had, since the very first time Minho laid his eyes upon him- is real. It’s not a projection of his imagination.
Each moan, each gasp, each kiss and each touch are real. Each word, each shudder, each yelp escaping Jinki’s mouth as Minho slides into him.
Something’s telling him that this is the very last time. Something in the roughness and desperation in their acts, something pleading and delusional in their gazes. It’s all real, intense, sober, real, painful, desired, real-
Minho tries not to think; he only loses himself in this ecstatic but yet so hated feeling.
He’s free from any thoughts until Jinki’s eyes lock with his and his swollen lips part to mumble:
“M-Minho… I, I lo-”
Minho immediately covers his mouth with his own, desperately swallowing the dreadful declaration that Jinki was going to make. He doesn’t want to hear it, he mustn’t hear it, he’s not ready for it, he’ll never be ready-
say it say it say it
He cries hard into a pillow next to him afterwards. Jinki holds him close and shushes him softly, kissing his bare shoulders, neck, hair.
It’s enough. He’s had enough.
“What do you think about infidelity?”
His voice is surprisingly calm, even though there’s a whirlwind storming through his mind. He needs some help, any kind of help, somebody to rely on-
“Infidelity? No different from killing. Well, it might be even worse, with the cheated one suffering, while the killed one is already- hey, wait.”
Jonghyun stops fidgeting about his kitchen, suddenly alarmed by the way Minho uttered the question. His eyes narrow. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but his best friend interrupts him with a nervous laugh.
“Your logic never fails to amaze me, hyung. That was something, rea-“
“Minho. What the fuck did you just ask me.”
The younger boy- now, almost regretting his decision- raises his hands in defense and quirks his brows.
“I just asked you how do you feel about infidelity. Like- let’s say, my friend has problems in his relationship.”
Jonghyun’s eyes widen in disbelief. Then he smirks. And then he gapes at him.
“… first of all: we all know that I’m your only friend, so don’t tell me those ‘a friend of mine’ stories.” Minho doesn’t feel offended in slightest “Second… problems in his relationship? Infidelity? How do I feel about it?” Jonghyun tries to put it all together. “… are you asking me how would I feel if I knew you were cheating on Taemin?” he suddenly realizes, his eyes piercing Minho’s.
“… kind of… uh… yeah, so, how would you feel about it?”
Jonghyun laughs. That bastard actually laughs.
“Oh God, I would just castrate you with no second thoughts, what did you think? That I’d let you hurt your precious Minnie? Not as if you were able to hurt him, anyways” he adds, chuckling merrily. His laugh dies slowly as he sees how Minho’s face turns still and pale.
“… Minho. Don’t. Don’t give me this look. I don’t even want to- fuck, Minho, sit the fuck down and tell me what’s it all about!” he shouts as his friend stands up abruptly.
In the end, Minho sighs and falls on the stool. Jonghyun’s standing right in front of him, gripping his arms.
“You… cheated on him, didn’t you?”
The conclusion that Minho’s been wanting for Jonghyun to make now seems too hard to bear. If he admits that, there will be no return. Jonghyun will know about his secret affair and, knowing him, he’s going to do anything to drag him out of this relationship.
On the other hand, it’s sort of killing him. He’s lying to everyone; it won’t hurt to be honest with his best friend, will it?
Oh God yes it will
“Yes.” He finally nods, feeling the grip on his arms only intensify. He doesn’t dare to look Jonghyun in the eye, instead he focuses his sight on his socks with Dooly.
What would he do without him, really.
“’Yes’? Just- did you sleep with that someone?” Jonghyun mumbles, absolutely shocked.
“Mm. Three times.”
“THREE TIMES?!” Jonghyun screams now, his fingers digging painfully into Minho’s shoulders. He yelps.
“Hyung, let go of-“
“You fucking bastard, I MAYBE would understand if it happened ONCE, but for it to happen THREE TIMES can’t be an accident. What the- how- just, fuck, does Taemin know?!”
Minho’s lips tremble.
“… he doesn’t.”
“Does… does that guy know it?”
“Know what?” Minho asks, the memories of last evening suddenly attacking him with a painful force.
He… he is kind of homophobic
I, I lo-
“That you have a lover. Does he know that” Jonghyun repeats, his voice now calming, as he catches the impossible vulnerability in Minho’s eyes.
The latter snorts.
“No, he doesn’t.”
Jonghyun’s eyes go wide.
“… you do realize what might happen when they find out?”
Minho nods bitterly. He tries to push away those mental images but it’s hard to succeed.
“And… why would you even betray Taemin? I… I can’t understand it…”
Minho’s eyes well up with tears as he raises his head to send his best friend a shaky smile.
“If I could understand it, there would be no betraying. Hell, why can’t I just have two hearts…”
Jonghyun pulls his head to his chest, caressing his hair soothingly. Minho’s arms hook tightly around his waist, holding him close as first sob escapes his lips.
“Do you…”
“He loves me, Jonghyun. He fucking loves me” Minho cries out, trembling violently in his friend’s embrace. Jonghyun stares at the wall, taken aback.
“… do you love him back?” he finally asks, knowing damn well that Minho isn’t a type to sleep with someone he doesn’t have feelings for. It’s not as if he’d slept with someone apart from Taemin and his new secret lover anyways.
“I wish I’d never- no, scratch that, I don’t know what I’d do without him- but I- why-“ Minho shakes his head, rubbing it against Jonghyun’s chest.
“You have to do something about it, Minho. You have to chose one of them. And think wisely; are almost four years of being with Taemin worthy of this new affection of yours?”
Jonghyun doesn’t hear a mumbled ‘he’s worth everything’.
He hears his next words though:
“Yeah, you’re right. I can’t keep on hurting Taeminnie anymore.”
“You’re so selfish, you know that?!”
Minho turns his head in his fuming lover’s direction. Taemin is standing in the door of their bedroom, his hair disheveled, shirt unbuttoned. Lips swollen and bruised from Minho’s kisses.
Minho puts on his jacket and quirks his eyebrow.
“Selfish? How come?”
Taemin crosses his arms and frowns all but adorably.
“I thought we would have some time for ourselves. You know, only for ourselves. Alone. In our bedroom.” he leans against the wall and sends his lover a pointing, disappointed look.
But Minho’s already zipped up his jacket. He checks his phone. It’s already half past six. He won’t make it on time.
“Minnie, I’m sorry, but I really have to leave now” he mutters, quickly putting on his shoes. He doesn’t even bother tying them, he’s already late.
“Minho! Minho! Damnit, look at me, will you?” Taemin shouts, approaching his lover with a very pained expression on his face.
So Minho does just that. He looks at Taemin. At his flushed face. At his delicate hands, now gripping tightly at his jacket.
“Why when I finally have time for us, you suddenly need to leave? Is your friend more important than me?” he asks, shaking his lover a bit.
Minho’s eyes don’t leave Taemin’s. His expression is still and tired.
“Maybe I’m just more important to this friend than I am to you.”
This makes Taemin’s grip falter, take his hands away from Minho. He takes a step back. His lips begin to tremble.
“I… I can’t believe you said something like this to me…”
Minho winces, feeling as if someone punched him straight into his face. He hates it, he hates how right and not-right Taemin is; how validated and unfair he himself is.
“I’ll be back soon”.
He walks out, not taking a glance at his lover, not bothering to tie his shoes, not even closing the door behind him.
It’s going to be the last time he visits Jinki.
It has to be solved already.
___________________________________________________________
A/N: I've been meaning to post it way sooner, but some things happened along the way, some major angst, some major hyper-ness, and I'm just... late again. Well.
But I think I'll finish it within a week, two weeks tops. Seriously though.
And, gosh, keep your fingers crossed for me, because on Thursday I'll know if I got into the university I want to go to ><
... well. This being said, I'll just go and watch some Cowboy Bebop ^w^
Ah, and sorry if this chapter seems rushed. It kind of is... but at least now we're getting close to my favourite parts of this story ;3
Pairing: OnHo, 2Min
Rating: R
Word Count: 2000
Genre: angst, smut, slice of life
Summary: Minho cheated. And now he regrets it dearly.
Previous chapters: PROLOGUE, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Taemin’s return makes Minho’s meetings with Jinki less and less frequent. They meet twice a week, once a week. Jinki never asks why, Minho never offers any excuses. He knows he must do something about it, he must end with all those lies and this double life; somehow though he can’t bring himself to confess it all either to Jinki or Taemin.
Now, being with Taemin feels like cheating on Jinki. Which is absolutely ridiculous. Because when he meets with Jinki, just to talk, just to share his feelings about some piece of literature he’s recently demolished, he feels like a cheater too. Even if there’s no kisses, almost no physical contact at all.
No wonder why Jinki begins to seem more and more insecure and confused with each, so rare these days, visit of Minho. They don’t cuddle, don’t hug, don’t hold hands. Jinki never initiates the contact. Minho wants to finish with this stupid feeling blooming inside of him every time he sees the other man.
Especially at times when Jinki is as vulnerable as ever. Like that time when they talked about their ex-lovers. Maybe not exactly ex-lovers… Jinki told Minho all about his girlfriend, who was his first real love, who just treated him and left alone after they slept for the first time. She was his first and last, Minho was the very first man he’d ever had, the very first one to make him feel like this (Minho didn’t want to know what that ‘feel like this’ meant). Therefore Minho admitted that before Jinki, he’d only slept with one person as well. He didn’t go into details, didn’t want to lie or break Jinki with a sudden outburst of truth.
One day, Jinki asks Minho who he is for Minho. The latter is caught off guard by this sudden question, absolutely not prepared for answering it just yet.
He knows what Jinki wants to hear. A lover. That’s what he wants to hear.
Instead, Minho settles with a way more safe- and appropriate- word:
“A soulmate.”
Because there’s no one in this world that understands him so well.
Jinki doesn’t ask him any more questions that day.
Apparently, Jinki feels that they’re drifting apart. The panic overwhelms him.
“I’ve been wondering… maybe… maybe we could… live together?”
This question sort of kills Minho. He knows this pleading tone, he knows this pained look; he knows the reason that stands behind this question.
I just need you close to me
He forces himself to shake his head.
“I… you know that I live with my friend. He… I mean… I can’t leave him… um…” he scratches his head, unsure of how to explain this one. Jinki’s next question helps him.
“Does he… know about… you know, us?” he asks, his voice shaking. Minho winces.
God forbid he doesn’t
“He… n-no, he doesn’t. He… he is kind of homophobic. He… wouldn’t understand. I can’t tell him. I’m sorry, Jinki” he finally says, feeling as every word hurts Jinki even more. But then, he notices something else in his eyes. Understanding. And trust.
He feels sick.
He feels even sicker when Jinki breaks the unsaid pact between them by approaching Minho somewhat shakily and then crushing his lips against Minho’s. He pushes them onto his bed, slapping Minho’s hand when he tries to reach the bottle of wine.
“I want it sober. Let’s see if I’m just imagining this all.”
Minho knows Jinki’s not imagining any of these; his imagination isn’t wild enough to fool his true feelings.
What they have- what they’ve always had, since the very first time Minho laid his eyes upon him- is real. It’s not a projection of his imagination.
Each moan, each gasp, each kiss and each touch are real. Each word, each shudder, each yelp escaping Jinki’s mouth as Minho slides into him.
Something’s telling him that this is the very last time. Something in the roughness and desperation in their acts, something pleading and delusional in their gazes. It’s all real, intense, sober, real, painful, desired, real-
Minho tries not to think; he only loses himself in this ecstatic but yet so hated feeling.
He’s free from any thoughts until Jinki’s eyes lock with his and his swollen lips part to mumble:
“M-Minho… I, I lo-”
Minho immediately covers his mouth with his own, desperately swallowing the dreadful declaration that Jinki was going to make. He doesn’t want to hear it, he mustn’t hear it, he’s not ready for it, he’ll never be ready-
say it say it say it
He cries hard into a pillow next to him afterwards. Jinki holds him close and shushes him softly, kissing his bare shoulders, neck, hair.
It’s enough. He’s had enough.
“What do you think about infidelity?”
His voice is surprisingly calm, even though there’s a whirlwind storming through his mind. He needs some help, any kind of help, somebody to rely on-
“Infidelity? No different from killing. Well, it might be even worse, with the cheated one suffering, while the killed one is already- hey, wait.”
Jonghyun stops fidgeting about his kitchen, suddenly alarmed by the way Minho uttered the question. His eyes narrow. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but his best friend interrupts him with a nervous laugh.
“Your logic never fails to amaze me, hyung. That was something, rea-“
“Minho. What the fuck did you just ask me.”
The younger boy- now, almost regretting his decision- raises his hands in defense and quirks his brows.
“I just asked you how do you feel about infidelity. Like- let’s say, my friend has problems in his relationship.”
Jonghyun’s eyes widen in disbelief. Then he smirks. And then he gapes at him.
“… first of all: we all know that I’m your only friend, so don’t tell me those ‘a friend of mine’ stories.” Minho doesn’t feel offended in slightest “Second… problems in his relationship? Infidelity? How do I feel about it?” Jonghyun tries to put it all together. “… are you asking me how would I feel if I knew you were cheating on Taemin?” he suddenly realizes, his eyes piercing Minho’s.
“… kind of… uh… yeah, so, how would you feel about it?”
Jonghyun laughs. That bastard actually laughs.
“Oh God, I would just castrate you with no second thoughts, what did you think? That I’d let you hurt your precious Minnie? Not as if you were able to hurt him, anyways” he adds, chuckling merrily. His laugh dies slowly as he sees how Minho’s face turns still and pale.
“… Minho. Don’t. Don’t give me this look. I don’t even want to- fuck, Minho, sit the fuck down and tell me what’s it all about!” he shouts as his friend stands up abruptly.
In the end, Minho sighs and falls on the stool. Jonghyun’s standing right in front of him, gripping his arms.
“You… cheated on him, didn’t you?”
The conclusion that Minho’s been wanting for Jonghyun to make now seems too hard to bear. If he admits that, there will be no return. Jonghyun will know about his secret affair and, knowing him, he’s going to do anything to drag him out of this relationship.
On the other hand, it’s sort of killing him. He’s lying to everyone; it won’t hurt to be honest with his best friend, will it?
Oh God yes it will
“Yes.” He finally nods, feeling the grip on his arms only intensify. He doesn’t dare to look Jonghyun in the eye, instead he focuses his sight on his socks with Dooly.
What would he do without him, really.
“’Yes’? Just- did you sleep with that someone?” Jonghyun mumbles, absolutely shocked.
“Mm. Three times.”
“THREE TIMES?!” Jonghyun screams now, his fingers digging painfully into Minho’s shoulders. He yelps.
“Hyung, let go of-“
“You fucking bastard, I MAYBE would understand if it happened ONCE, but for it to happen THREE TIMES can’t be an accident. What the- how- just, fuck, does Taemin know?!”
Minho’s lips tremble.
“… he doesn’t.”
“Does… does that guy know it?”
“Know what?” Minho asks, the memories of last evening suddenly attacking him with a painful force.
He… he is kind of homophobic
I, I lo-
“That you have a lover. Does he know that” Jonghyun repeats, his voice now calming, as he catches the impossible vulnerability in Minho’s eyes.
The latter snorts.
“No, he doesn’t.”
Jonghyun’s eyes go wide.
“… you do realize what might happen when they find out?”
Minho nods bitterly. He tries to push away those mental images but it’s hard to succeed.
“And… why would you even betray Taemin? I… I can’t understand it…”
Minho’s eyes well up with tears as he raises his head to send his best friend a shaky smile.
“If I could understand it, there would be no betraying. Hell, why can’t I just have two hearts…”
Jonghyun pulls his head to his chest, caressing his hair soothingly. Minho’s arms hook tightly around his waist, holding him close as first sob escapes his lips.
“Do you…”
“He loves me, Jonghyun. He fucking loves me” Minho cries out, trembling violently in his friend’s embrace. Jonghyun stares at the wall, taken aback.
“… do you love him back?” he finally asks, knowing damn well that Minho isn’t a type to sleep with someone he doesn’t have feelings for. It’s not as if he’d slept with someone apart from Taemin and his new secret lover anyways.
“I wish I’d never- no, scratch that, I don’t know what I’d do without him- but I- why-“ Minho shakes his head, rubbing it against Jonghyun’s chest.
“You have to do something about it, Minho. You have to chose one of them. And think wisely; are almost four years of being with Taemin worthy of this new affection of yours?”
Jonghyun doesn’t hear a mumbled ‘he’s worth everything’.
He hears his next words though:
“Yeah, you’re right. I can’t keep on hurting Taeminnie anymore.”
“You’re so selfish, you know that?!”
Minho turns his head in his fuming lover’s direction. Taemin is standing in the door of their bedroom, his hair disheveled, shirt unbuttoned. Lips swollen and bruised from Minho’s kisses.
Minho puts on his jacket and quirks his eyebrow.
“Selfish? How come?”
Taemin crosses his arms and frowns all but adorably.
“I thought we would have some time for ourselves. You know, only for ourselves. Alone. In our bedroom.” he leans against the wall and sends his lover a pointing, disappointed look.
But Minho’s already zipped up his jacket. He checks his phone. It’s already half past six. He won’t make it on time.
“Minnie, I’m sorry, but I really have to leave now” he mutters, quickly putting on his shoes. He doesn’t even bother tying them, he’s already late.
“Minho! Minho! Damnit, look at me, will you?” Taemin shouts, approaching his lover with a very pained expression on his face.
So Minho does just that. He looks at Taemin. At his flushed face. At his delicate hands, now gripping tightly at his jacket.
“Why when I finally have time for us, you suddenly need to leave? Is your friend more important than me?” he asks, shaking his lover a bit.
Minho’s eyes don’t leave Taemin’s. His expression is still and tired.
“Maybe I’m just more important to this friend than I am to you.”
This makes Taemin’s grip falter, take his hands away from Minho. He takes a step back. His lips begin to tremble.
“I… I can’t believe you said something like this to me…”
Minho winces, feeling as if someone punched him straight into his face. He hates it, he hates how right and not-right Taemin is; how validated and unfair he himself is.
“I’ll be back soon”.
He walks out, not taking a glance at his lover, not bothering to tie his shoes, not even closing the door behind him.
It’s going to be the last time he visits Jinki.
It has to be solved already.
___________________________________________________________
A/N: I've been meaning to post it way sooner, but some things happened along the way, some major angst, some major hyper-ness, and I'm just... late again. Well.
But I think I'll finish it within a week, two weeks tops. Seriously though.
And, gosh, keep your fingers crossed for me, because on Thursday I'll know if I got into the university I want to go to ><
... well. This being said, I'll just go and watch some Cowboy Bebop ^w^
Ah, and sorry if this chapter seems rushed. It kind of is... but at least now we're getting close to my favourite parts of this story ;3