Random train of thought
I have been sitting here thinking about the evnts of my life, esp the last 3 years. I have wondered what has happend in lifes scheme of things to make me feel the way i do now, as well as quite often. Work, its alright, there will alays be problems at work. The problms i cant seem to get htings done about are home bound issues.. one, being the relationship, or lack there of, between Nick and I. I know that he reads this and there will be eather a huge fight or silence from him after reading. My thought process turned the way it did after the events of this morning. We had quite an argument about Love. Lovie is a white male kitten thats around 3 to 4 months in age. I got him form my sister and found out afterwards that he is not litter box trained and will not use it at all. I have tried shutting him int he batroom and having a second litter box out for cookie (that i aparently now own, the mother of the kittens i have, and Gabby (the other kitten). This didnt work eather. So, monday i told nick that i was going to take Lovie to the shelter on saturday. I didnt get it done last weekend due to a yardsale and other unforseen issues. Nick got up this morning and Lovie had made a mess infront of the front door. He then proceed to tell me about it and how lovies gotta go. I told him that he is going saturday mornign. hes like"no hes going outside, hes gotta go NOW" I told him no i wasnt going to doi that because he could get killed out ont he street because ppl dont drive speed limit and htats the reason why cookie doesnt go out. He then proceeded to tell me that if hte land lord happend to get a wild hiar up his rear and come in the house that he would call CPS over a kitty mess and have xander taken away that im putting the wellfare of the cat before our child. T_T.... umm no.. what passed though my mind at that time, and this will piss nick off royaly after reading what im about to say is "why do you care, u don pay atention to him anyway" -can hear the bitching now- He pays atention to him some.. not a whole lot, since xander and i dotn get home till round 7 and he gfoes to bed shortly there after (17 month old). but other htan that the times he pasy atention is when were in public and ppl are watching. as soon as those ppl go away, he doesnt pay atention to him. This morning, when i was dressing xander, he was babbling for daddy.. he walked right by. There has been several ocaions where xander was trying ot get his atention and he wouldnt answer him till i said "Nick, your sons talking to you". This is sad to me. I hate seeing it. Others have comented on it as well. not just me. its not just this issue eather. One of thie other things that happend this moring was that he baiscaly accused Angie, my oldest sister of stealing the entire BIG pack of papertowels. HOW THE HELL IS SHE SUPPOSE TO WALK OTU OF OUR HOUSE WITH THAT?! hes alwasy griping on how my family doesnt like him and stuff.. well, if he woud try and succeed and get his GED it would help his image. He says were not gonna "bully" him into getting it like we did Dan (brother)-rolls eyes- i tell him he needs it to get out of DIY and get a better job so that the heat wont kill him back inthe warehouse. He wont listen.Never does. Its many things that have bothered me over the past few years. -noting another thing that i will get yelles at for- I dotn trust him. How can I? I try, i realy do, but I cant forget some things that have hurt me more than i think he realizes. One, Forging my name on a check to cover his bounced check and telling me about it. so he admited it. He thinks i should forive and forget. THats breaking hte law though.. to save his own butt... the small voice int he back of my head thinks"what else will he do to save himself?" I cant answer that. Theres also things that date clear back to before we got married and we were living in Cali. He had walked off from his comp and i had gone over for some reason, i dont even remember anymore. i thiknk it was to find out where we left off in an RP and i had been disconected. anyway... I saw that jamie was sitting on his lap in chat and wa licking his neck. HIs responce "Ohh Kinkey" I blew up on him about it and he said that he was jut funning with her and she knew it. Jame? Riight.. Jamie has had t bad for him for ages and at times i think still does. Then theres the thing with Bella Morte. There again, he says that it was a missunderstanding. that she took it wrong. Well, being a married man and having a 3 month old son u dont go about telling yoru friends "I care about you deeply". errr? whaaaa? SHe had asked if he was still married and part of his reply was that he was living with some friends (My mother since we were at her apt) and that his roomate (me) would not let him get in chat/ on the net. I had her call me at work and we chatted for a while. She told me that there was more going on than I knew and that Nick was lying. This is not the first girl to tell me a simaler story. I remind him of this and so he pulls up and basicaly acuses me of doing things with my friends. He also tends to blame most of our marital problems on Dave and Chris. Chris i have known since he was 11 and i like to talk to him because i can say just about anything. For peats sake we talk about guys together.Dave, has been in my life for 9 years. He is my ex fiance and we were and are still very close. He is the mirrior image of who i am. I will not be afriad to say it. I can talk to him about everything as well. Nick, it seems i cant talk about anything.. if he talks to me. I drop him off at work and say"see u tonight" his reply this morning was " yeah" before slaming the door shut. He thinks i just gripe abo monitary problems. Yes i get pissed abotu htings like him not paying his part, and when i say something hes like"foget it ill pay the whole thing, thats what u want" NO THATS NOT WHAT I WANT. I WANT YOU TO PAY HALF. DO U KNOW WHAT HALF IS???? theres also the issue about christmas. He and i have been together ofr bout 3 years, going on 2 of marrage, and in tha time i have bought all christmas except for about 4 or 5 gifts. then theres groceries (i have gone on strike for the past little bit) I would buy all of them. except for the past.. oooh.. 3 times or so. Then lessee.... stranger things.. well, i do not care for Hentai. there had been alot on his comp (seen a few of them and he swears that ereic and a girl, cant remeber her name, was sending them to him) A GIRLS HOULD NOT BE SENDING HENTAI PICS TO A GUY. MARRIED OR NOT. He keeps telling me he wants the entire set of the overfiend. angain HENTAI. does he not realize that stuff like htis has a mental effect on the woman in his life? it basicaly says "you dont interest me" He seemed to be fine and dandy when i was a size 8 but after i got pregnant thats whn i found out about Lisa aka Bella Morte. Since then things have gone down hill in my opinion. When xander was born nick brought me a gift. sweet right? it was a nice gesture, things that i liked for Hot Topic, but i couldnt wear the bondage pants, there a size 12. never worn and still in the closet. Im not gettign rid of them, because i will get back down to that and wear em someday but right after a child is born? I fail to see the logic. I know this is all out of order, but this is all just random thoughts and i tend to jump all over the place. my apologies if you cant follow. ANYWAY.. back to the thoughts. There have been times that we go out for dinner and i had assumed (Stupid me) that he was payign ofr dinner becsaue he said"lets go out" but at the end of dinner i get handed the bill. Last friday, we went out, he said do u want to go to our usual place( the Outback) i said i fouldnt afford it so we went somewhere else. Knowing i had limited funds, he orders an alcaholic bevrage. For one, thats not fair since i drive and take care of xander. 2. the drinks are between 3 50 and 4.50 a peace. dont order them when u know that the other psrson earlier told u that they couldnt afford a 45 $ meal. I dont like poaying for omething that i dont get to atleast share or that i dont know that im ordering. The other gripe i tend to have is abotu this whole phone thing.. I had lost my phone in the house and couldnt find it. Nick suggested suince h wanted a new phone just to go and buy (himself) a new one and give me the old one. later that week i find it on the loveseat under a pillow. This is not the issue though. The issue i have is playing like ur broke when putting a mothers day gift in layaway for me and then the next week going and buying yourself something even more expensive and letting the gift get put back ont he shelf (BTW go to kays and get your 30 bucks back.) Having yourself come first all the time is the issue. I told him that he was selfish and he told me that maybe he is that he didnt have much growing up as a kid and now that he has money taht he tend to get himslef things that hes been wanting. GUESS WHAT! I WAS ONE OF A FAMILY OF 6 AND THERE WERE 10 PPL LIVING IN MY HOUSE! He was an only child. Then theres the bitch about working 7 days a week even before he was... I said "I feel for ya, i worked 2 jobs once" He told me " why do you always have to have one better than me?" It caught me off guard because i DID work 2 jobs. but whatever. anyway, this is long and im sure tha tother things will surface later. Ill close this off becusae ur eyeballs are prolly abotu to fall out from reading so much. So.. TTFN.