its crazy what your mind does in a train of thought
as i sit here and thin, i wonder at times if i am just going insain or that i have any bearing on my thoughts. My thoughts are messed up as well as my feelings at times. I know i over react and such but alot has happend over the past 3 years. I have moved across country, moved back, gotten married, had a child.-smiles- Xander. He can be a trip at times. hes growing so fast and keeps me calm most times.anyways.. off the track of thought.. I have moved in with my sister,(after she found out i was pregnant she sayd i should have an abortion because hte baby wouldnt knwo what he is since his mother is white and his fater black) got our own place, tryed to help a girl that messed with us, she says that my husband made moves on her.. i dont see how really, since i was quite a bit smaller than she.. she had said that the only reason he gave me some money one day for gas was because he was looking down her shirt. We use to rp with her in att.. thats where we met her. She was always trying to get him to go into a pr with her.. anyways, time pased and i found out that i as preggy, i was very sick and figts began. I dont remeber much of that time.. i think partially because my brain has blocked it out. We made her elave and things got better for a while. I went back to work and i was checkign emails one day.I came across an email that was replyed to from one of the girls he chated with. It upset me. I had no clue that he was even talking to other girls nor anyone had that much of interst in him since the day we had been together, the others seemed to back off. I emailed her and told her that he was married and had a 3 month old a the time. SHe called me and I talked to her. She was upset but understood and as far as i know, dissapeared. Nick and I fought about it, and time went on with no troubles.. or so I thought. after getting our own place again,we got the net back and everythingseemed fine once more on that end. He works witha girl that was interested in him and he didnt realize it. She no olnger talks ot him much and is in another building.. no worries about her i think.. though angie says she saw her car about a week or two ago..-doesnt realy bealve it- anyways.. we rp some now, and fights began again. I cant remember what over now..I had given up and enouraged him to rp with another girl that we knew. It was ok at first, and then she started gettin all cosy and stuff... well fine.. i got a bit purturbed but i was ok. then she tryed several times it seems to cyber him on msn. that upset me. for sevreal reasons. one being that i was in the room. he told her. her reply" tilt the screen" there was times she created a room and wouldnt let me in becasue she wanted to rp with him "alone" anyways, he acted like he was all uspet and junk that i wanted in but they did let me in. that kinda stung. i was not sure if he was actually upset that i did want in or it was an act. i cant tell with his moods. anyways,. i cant remeber if it was before or after that that rose came up in chat wthime in ther, didnt know who i was,Out of the blue saoid" Oh shes such a bitch she doesnt knwo what she has in front of her"I said" whos she talking about?" because i wasnt sure if someone was that brave or just that stupid to do that. Nick said:" i dunno.. prolly the person were talking about"tghats when she verifyed that she was speaking about me. i layed into her and she backed off. That nigt though, she calls him at a quarter till 12 at night to talk to him. it was the 2nd night i n a row too. THAT pissed me off. we fought again and then that was over. he said he wasnt talking to anyone any more. meh he still does. he also talks ot aan old friend of his. its ok though. what sticks in my head is what he has said in the past few months. when we were fighting he said that we had used eachoter. said that i used him to get over my ex as he used me to get over his... But I never used him.. that hurt. i didnt say anything though.i hardly do for fear it fall on deaf ears. He admist he has done things.. things he tells me that i didnt already know and it hurts more. Like feeling up jamason on msn before saying he was teasing when i caught a glimpse.. did he tell her that because he realy was teasing or did he do it to not have a fight with me.. telling her that i mean. He makes things, joines games, rps and such and doesnt even think that maybe id join nor does he think that if he makes a new char that it makes that one available. they jump on that.. there are girls in his harem that care naught that he is marrried and hate my guts but htey hate me none the less because i am his wife. -shrugs- ok im use to being hated. anyways, i wtarted to rp with my ex a while back and he stoped so that no fights would happen between nick and i. they have stoped alot of them anyways... hes overly jeoluse i think. He and I talk about life in general. things that happen in every day life, pull eachother out of ruts and such. He has been and will be close ot my heart. Nick asks why he and i have such a bond.. that i ca not answer. he askes why cant he and i have the same bond. that i can answer to an extent.. he doesnt talk to me. unless hes upest and its usually something that i have caused it seems. we talk about these other girls and such. he says they dont mean anything to him that he ignroes them. he said to me the other day that hes not done anything like tha tin the past year.. somethng that has upset me ever since he said that.. for the past year??? youmean that hes done more htings with out my knowledge and it shouldnt bother me? now tha ti know it upsets me even more. though my fears are realized and verified. I have not done anything of the sort to him. why would he do that to me? -sighs- i could almost understand it if was all durring the time where we were having all these issues.. but he said he hasnt done things like tha in the past year.. our son is 13 months old..what else has he not told me? I want to trust.. (knows shes stealing a line form LOTOR-) save for the warning in my heart. Can i trust him? can i trust the others? I dont know. and its slowly tearing me apart. Im done now.. the rants gone on way too long.. I just need to quit thinking about it i guess.