The Mirror and The Sword: Chapter 4 (2,207 words)

[hitori_ryuu]

Shyla woke, blind with sweat in her eyes. Despite the rain from the night before, a miserable cloud of hot and moist mist hung in the air, clinging to every leaf and sinking into every pore. She stood and stretched, feeling the stiffness and aches in every single tendon and fiber of her body. Every last inch of her was covered in cuts and bruises

Comments

[mavinmaverick]

"“That was an expression you know that, right?”" This should be either two sentences, or split with ellipses. "That was an expression. You know that, right?" or "That was an expression...you know that, right?" (Two sentences is better).

"“Please, you knew she was listening to us in the library,” he hissed back." - How did he know? Did he see her too? If he did, wouldn't he have reacted? Or did he only know because he saw the sword? In which case, how did he know Mirr knew she was there?

"He sucked in air sharply in pain as he felt the back of his head where the stitches had been sewn in with his hand." This make it sound like he sewed the stiches in. You can remove "with his hand" or move it to just after "he felt the back of his head"

As before, try to capture some of Mirr and Marrin's actions while they speak. It shows the reader who is talking, and sets up the characters with mannerisms that enliven the story. Since we're not watching this on TV, we have to see everything in our mind. It helps if there are descriptions.

"to keep track of very little twist..." I think you meant "every little twist..."

"through the Castle - they had passed" - You can probably break "They had passed..." into a new sentence.

"torches whose flames did not burn yellow or orange, doors that opened nowhere" - What color did the flames burn? Were the doors open, showing nowhere, or did he just assume they lead nowhere?

"In fact, it did not feel like they were in the Castle anymore at all." - You should probably be writing this from Marrin's point of view. In which case, maybe he was doubting they were in the castle. "After awhile, he began to wonder if they were still in the Castle at all." Or something like that. Try to make this from his perspective.

"the windows that they had passed, many times over already." - ? Are they passing what seem like the same windows? Or were they passing many windows showing what appared to be a motionless/timeless day?

"neither of which Marrin had never seen before." Double negative. "Neither of which Marrin had EVER seen before."

"He let his gaze slide of focus as he gazed at his reflection" - I'm guessing "of" should be "off". Also, you use "gaze/gazed" twice in this sentence. Maybe "he let his eyes unfocus as he gazed at his reflection..."?

"he shut his eyes, they were gone, as if they had never been there at all." - Yeah, I find when I shut my eyes, everything disappears. :-) I think you mean he blinked, which would indicate he actually opened his eyes again to find the other was gone.

Just one note for the overall piece so far. The dialogue seems rather modern and slangy. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because this is fantasy and set in a different world. You can make up your own rules. However, it could cause the reader to have a difficult time getting into the feel of the story if they keep getting pulled into more modern speech patterns.

[hitori_ryuu]

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.

ust one note for the overall piece so far. The dialogue seems rather modern and slangy. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because this is fantasy and set in a different world. You can make up your own rules. However, it could cause the reader to have a difficult time getting into the feel of the story if they keep getting pulled into more modern speech patterns.

Yeah, I know. This is one of the things that kind of caught me because I've read very few fantasy stories where archaic speech patterns are handled well or at least in a manner that would keep the interest of the reader. Plus, with YA, I thought it was okay to be doing this considering a lot of people in that audience aren't really used to seeing them.

This is something I know I'll keep in mind and I'll try and strike a good balance for my characters.

[mavinmaverick]

I'm glad it was helpful. Like I said, with fantasy there aren't any real rules, so you can do what you want, so long as you're consistent. The main thing to remember is to give each character a voice, and know what that voice sounds like in your head. Make sure the words you put down on paper are really what you believe that character would say in the way they would say it. The hard part with that is often characters will start to sound the same, and you have to watch that. An adult wouldn't necessarily talk like a child. A man and a woman would probably sound/think differently from one another. You could even introduce regional and cultural differences using dialogue word choice.

Basically, developing characters doesn't take a psychology degree, but it helps if you understand people and motivations on some level. Once you really know your characters like this, developing dialogue for them comes more easily. To get a sense of this, it might help to pick up a fantasy novel (YA or otherwise) and read some of the dialogue out loud, giving each character a different voice. If the author did a good job, you'll be able to pick up the differences and project them out loud. That's what you want to end up doing for your reader.

[hitori_ryuu]

Definitely. I know creating and maintaining individual voices for my characters is something I need to work on, same with coherent and believable motivations. I've certainly got a lot to work with here, so as always, I'm thankful for your input and effort. I know it'll really help me in the long run. C: