The Mirror and The Sword: Chapter 2 (2,263 words)
Shyla still felt an aching deep within her chest as she slowly walked down the corridor. There was very little here for her, she realized, with Tanir gone. For much of her life, he was the one person she ever felt close to. She remembered being young and being carried around on his back. She remembered sitting on his lap as he read to her and told
( Read more... )
"Shyla had read most of the books in the library by now, but there was always a book she had never glanced at, or one that she had seen but never read." Since there were always some she hadn't noticed or read before, maybe you should say "Shyla had read many of the books..." instead of "most of." Or maybe they were always obtaining new books?
"She stopped, facing one of the shelves and scanned through the spines until a large, handsome tome on the very top of the shelf caught her eye. She stood on her toes to reach it, but was still so woefully short that the tips of her fingers barely touched the top of the row of books below it. She could risk climbing the shelf, but decided against it when she gave it a nudge and heard the whole thing groan and squeal." - The library doesn't have a ladder? Or at least a stepping stool? Or is she just too lazy to find one?
"She willed the book to her hand. It gave a slight shudder, its weight resisting her at first, then slid out and off the shelf, into her hand. Her head reeled with power. It was not very often that she attempted to move things without touching them, so every time she managed to do so, her head swam with strain." - This seemed kind of easy to do for someone who didn't do it often. Maybe you could draw this out a bit, and show it to be more of an effort. Like, the book didn't move at first, enough for her to doubt herself or try even harder. Maybe show the feelings in her head as she pressed her will onto moving the book.
"her head swam with strain.
She turned the book over in her hands." - That seemed like a quick recovery. I would feel a bit nauscious if I immediately looked at something while my head was swimming. She might need to recover herself a bit first.
"as Shyla struggled to carry most things" - Why? Was she small and weak?
"Curiosity piqued, she pried the book open and began to flip through the pages hungrily.
There was nothing in the book. Every single page that Shyla turned to was blank, dull, and completely silent." - Consider showing a little more of Shyla's disappointment. I'm guessing nothing like that had happened to her before. Would she really think so little of it, or would she be smart enough to think something might be hidden on the blank pages?
"“It’s sweet of you to say that,” she said with a laugh, “but I know a lost cause when I see one. The older he gets the harder it will be to change his mind about anything.
“You on the other hand … you’re still young. You’re what, sixteen years now? Why you’d want to waste it here reading nothing but books is beyond me.”" - Consider keeping this as one paragraph, but breaking it up with some action or a pause from Cait. It's always usually a good to note who is speaking. There are only two people here, so it's not that confusing, but with more people, or long lines of faceless dialogue, it can get confusing.
"“… I don’t know what you mean, exactly.”" - Again, add a little action to the dialogue. Does Shyla have a puzzled look? Does she think about this at all?
Are sleeping, eating, and reading all these folks do? What's their purpose for being there? Did Mirr just gather them together for the heck of it? Did none of the others express curiosity about why they were there, while in Shyla's presence?
"placed it carelessly back on one of the shelves closest to her." - Heehee...who has to reorganize the library?
"She crouched closer to them." Closer to who? The legs of the table, or Mirr and Mirren? If it was the people she crouched closer too, wouldn't she have crept, or scooted, and how would she avoid being seen in the brasier light?
Reply
Leave a comment