sometimes
Sometimes I stare at old pictures of myself and wonder what the fuck happened to me.
I mean.. with everything.
I actually miss being 16. That normally does not happen.
I miss the way things were with my friends. We could hang out on broadway because we didn't have jobs, and nothing really mattered. We seemed so ... "Who gives a fuck" and now that I look back on it, that was the life . I dont care about money.. I dont think money will make me happy because I didn't have any money then. Like at all. We'd borrow money from our moms (or clara from her dad) and get coffee and a pack of cigarettes to share (if we could get them). I hate how now everyone's.. grown/gowing up. Kyle must be thinking the same thing kinda.
It's not money I need, I know that. So since I know what I dont need, I just need to figure out what I do need.
It seems like everyone's growing up.. and I'm growing..side ways. Like I'm moving, but not up or down. I'm just moving. Annie's gonna be a freakin manager now, and I can't make myself keep a job if my life depended on it because I hate listening to other people tell me what to do when we are equally qualified for the job that they have, not me.
I mean and shit.. Stephanie's gonna be a mom. I guess that kinda bothers me because I was trying to grow up fast enough so we could do cool things together, just like it's always been. But now it's like it doesn't matter as much. Yes, I know.. we can/will still do things. But a child is a big difference. Britney Spears obviously showed us what happens when you continue partying with kids.. they get taken away. Well.. she's a different story.
It's not that I have a real problem with the whole pregnancy thing... or really anything going on right now.
The problem is with me. I feel as if I've failed everyone, and I know I have.
And I've failed myself. I need to wake up and smell the coffee. I am going nowhere. I need to quit trying to recapture what was there when I was younger, because everyone's left that era and I'm sitting there alone, playing sleater-kinney on my guitar and pretending I was gonna be a riot grrrl rockstar someday. If only we could find a drummer.. hmm. But everyone's already up and left the 16 year old me, because they grew out of their 16 year old selves.
That hurts.. not that I'm that unhappy now, but life seemed much more exciting back then than it does now.
Now... life is not exciting now.
I have no job.
I have no car.
I need both.
I need a fucking labotomy or something. I can't stand this feeling anymore. I look at old pictures and wonder what happened to my face.
I wonder what happened to my friendships.
What happened to my personality, my brain, my body.. all of it.
I have found ways to somehow link everything back to me sucking ass.
Sounds stupid and juvenile I know, but sometimes I really hate myself.