(no subject)
Me and Danny are doing pretty good. It's almost been a month that we've been going out now. He gets me pretty confused and scares me sometimes though. It hasn't even been a month and he's talking about marriage and kids and stuff...Seriously, I'm 17. I don't want to talk about this stuff with him right now. I mean, yea, if we have been going out longer then maybe yea. But not this soon. It kinda freaks me out a bit. He can't be thinking that already. He's crazy.. But he is a really amazing kid. He's nice to me, cares for me, and actually treats me the right way. Unlike all the rest of my past relationships who treated me like shit...Well, excluding Glenn but we all know the story there. Sort of I guess. Haha. How does Danny expect me to deal with me going off to college and us trying to hold up our relationship while being so far away. And what about the whole part of him possibly going down to Flordia... That is WAY too far away for me to handle. I mean, I'm a needy girl. I like having the comfort of my boyfriend being close to me. And the fact that he'll be all the way down in flordia deffinatly does not help at all. I keep freaking out about it. I know he cares. I just don't know how to deal with all this...change. Soon, I'm going to college. I'm going to be way too busy to do anything. I won't see him like I do now. And even now, I barely see him because swim season is now over and play rehersals have taken over my life. Whenever I try to call his house, I usually get now answer. He calls at unreasonable hours. I mean come on, I'm going to be sleeping at midnight on a school night. Then he keeps me on the phone until 4 in the morning sometimes. It's really tiring. The good part is though that he is getting better at it though. I am getting phone calls a little earlier in the day and they don't last as long. It's tough for me to think that we might have to seperate. I don't want to spend my days away from him thinking and thinking about the fact that we are MILES away from each other and we can't be together. It'd be easier to just split up when the time comes. If we get back together when I come bak or if we happen to work it through the tough times with me being away then that will be amazing but somehow in my heart I feel like I won't be able to go through with it. I've already had to deal with one long distance relationship and that didn't work out well at all. I can't stand being away for more than a couple days, let alone weeks or months that this is going to have to be. I have everything so stuck in my head and I don't know where to put it...I don't even know how to make sense of it. It all seems to be so discombobulated and confusing. Sometimes it hurts and I just want to stay in my room and try to think things through but I never find an answer. I haven't written any poetry in so long... I wonder if I can even write anymore. I tried the other day but nothing came to me. I guess I'll have to try again some other time. Everyone in my family (mainly my mom) is freaking out about my college and stuff. It's coming upon us so quickly it's insane. I got accepted and I know I'm going to Nichols college. I already worked up to $18,500 in scholarships a year, so thats a good thing. Although there still is a half of the tuition left to pay for. I think I'll be able to manage and get that money. I'm still looking for scholarships. And if I can't get them, then I'll find grants and loans and whatnot. Anything. I just want to go so badly. I've been looking forward to this my whole like. It is getting me nervous though. What if I can't adapt to being so far away from home? What if I flunk out? What if I don't meet anyone and remain alone my whle time up in college? It scares the shit outta me knowing that this could possibly come true but I'm hoping and praying it doesn't. There's all of 65 school days left. 60 if you don't count the exam days. And take away like 5 more for field trips and skip days. And maybe 5 more for sick days because I haven't taken any days off yet. I have my AP Environmental Science test coming up in may. I'm not taking the psych one, cause that class is pissing me off and I'm not paying 76 to flunk the test and have payed for nothing at all. This writing is starting to give me a pounding headache... Oh well... I had the weirdest dream in the world the other day. I dreamed that me and Eric were back together in a serious relationship and that we were engaged. And jut when everything was getting good between us, Corey walked into my house and talked to me, wanting me back, begging me to be with him. Telling me that his child wasn't his, that it belonged to someone else and he can't believe he made the mistake of being with the girl he married. That she's not the right one for him and that he believes I'm his soul mate. I turned around and walked away. I guess this dream is telling me about my horrible attachment issues. And the deeper I look, part is what I want to happen, part could be warning me about developing attachments with Danny before I go to college or tryign to get me to form deeper attachments. MAybe its even telling me that I'm still too attached to Corey to be in a relationship. It confused me so much. I don't want things to go wrong. I like how things are now. I don't want everything to change like they are going to change in a few months. Everything is going to get turned upside down and I don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with it. I guess I'm going to have to though. Here's to the future.
XoXo.
Karyn
XoXo.
Karyn