(no subject)

Dec 20, 2004 00:32

its sunday night. sundays seem so slow and uneventful, so drab and dreary and strange...i always feel so odd on sundays like its the in-between part of the week...when i went to chruch they felt more meaningful there was a purpose for sundays..to rejoice and relax and praise..a day set aside to compensate for the other six days of apathy and worldliness, as if it could. i hate sundays.
i wonder sometimes how i would be now if i hadnt been raised in church, brought up to believe certain things in certain ways...if those things had been my own decision from the start. i wonder if how i feel now..the state im in...is how everyone who has never believed it feels..if its normal..or if the emptiness or void..this indescribable confusion i have now is simply the result of a decision to question what ive always been taught...if its just a mental breaking away into something new and different and away from everything familiar. im so sick of this.
today is marty ryan parkers birthday and i forgot and i have no way to get in touch with him and right now i just want to hug him and tell him that i love him and wish him the best 18th birthday...that i know he isnt having. my best friend is spending quality time with her mother on a trip to north carolina and i wish she was here right now and i was laughing so hard i couldnt breath and really i just wish there was something keeping me from this inhuman machine that i resort to take solace in.
i eat with my family once a week after the church service that i dont attend and today my cousin was here from whereever it is that she lives with her 14 month old baby and it was so strange seeing this girl that i had always looked up to and thought to be so cool and rebellious and older than me but not too old...holding a baby, her baby, and being a mother...after years and years of saying, "im never having children"...irony always. and my grandmother. my grandmother who i love with a love that does not compare or even fit into any other catergory of love that i know, i think she is honestly the only person that i love and admire and have never found any fault or had any resentment, any breif miniscule resentment toward. she is the epitome of good and love and strength and beauty...god she is so beautiful and now im crying because each time i see her she is more frail and greyer than the time before..and whats even more unbearable is how goddamn cheerful and loving and glowing she is..shes getting worse and worse but she dosent resent it or act bitter because of it..she just loves and glows and if i had one wish that would come true i would just want to be a fraction of her..i want to love life so much and live it fully with such zealous grace that death is welcomed and not feared...i hate this so much. i want to be 6 years old and i want to be asleep and have her stroking my hair and i want to be dressing up in her old and forgotten wardrobe..i want to be asking her about old pictures and old things. ive just been avoiding it until now. avoiding the knowledge that shes not going to live forever but time sneaks up on you so fast and you dont realize it sometimes until its gone..its not gone yet..i saw closer last night and i loved it because it true and it hurt but it was true i felt different when it was over..something inside me was changed, altered, or in the very least touched and ignited for few moments. its gently and inconsistantly snowing outside and even though i wish the world would be covered in a glistening blanket of white when i wake in the morning i know right now that the ground isn't cold enough for it to stick.
Previous post Next post
Up