for my dearest christy head.
i wish i could make this friends only..but the majority of the people that i even care to read this do not have livejournal accounts..there are some things i wish i could reserve for them..and not most of you.
((HEY CHRISTY AND KRISTINA GET LIVEJOURNAL ACCOUNTS OR REMEMBER YOUR PASSWORDS))
Dear Christy,
so, to begin. december 8, 2004 i am sitting here eating a bean burrito from taco bell and drinking a coke through a straw. My days have consisted of school from 7 to 1:45 and work from 2 to 5:30. I like my work, or rather i like the atmosphere and the people and having money but the constant schedual wears on my nerves and i end up drained and exhaused and sometimes sick...sleep is always welcomed but never in sufficient ammounts. i spend my time with kristina mostly or course...and natalie alot for a certain amount of time and then not alot for a certain amount of time and then alot again...thats just the way it goes..and gina but not as much as i should or want to and sometimes jacoby..and lately korey jordan who is a friend worth keeping and preserving and cherishing..because you dont find those too often..and my dear cousin philip..and occasionally marty..but only occasionally..and Derek..derek derek derek when he's here or when im there. I feel...i feel...different, but not terrible, ive finally accepted that this is just how it is..that my state changed..i am no longer who i used to be and im growing accoustom to this new standard feeling and state. not to say im not the same in alot of ways..there are constant threads that i can trace back through the time of my short existance and which im sure will continue as im stitched into new patterns and phases of life. i read alot. its been my solice, i hope you enjoyed the book i gave you, that it touched you deeply. and music..music of course always. i took the SAT on saturday and am awaiting my scores...i actually feel sort of confident about it, im not worried, im not as unintelligent as i feel sometimes and standardized tests have always worked in my favor. i still feel trapped here, confined, limited...i think about you often. yesterday at school..i just felt so goddamn terrible, like i was just rotting away and dying and everything about being there made me just want to cry...so i walked out the front doors and to my car and i drove away, just like we used to do when i was a junior and you were a senior and life was more exciting and i even felt things in a deeper way...perhaps because it was the first time i experienced some of them..or in such a way...now everything is just..not as intense..more neuteral..more equalized and diluted. there is a certain freshness that i seem to have lost somewhere along the way. there will be new things to feel though, im not worried..only waiting. im going to georgia state next year..i still havent decided wheather im taking a semester off or not..i would love to..but my self discipline is not at any level to be relyed upon. im going to move to the city as soon as i can, it is not the place i plan to be for a long long time, georgia is a terrible place to reside for a lifetime...a very cowardly place to plant and flourish, there is much more out there to experience...but its time to get out of this town..all the things i wrote in the letter i gave you when you graduated apply to me now too...ive got alot to embark upon. i miss you. deep deep down i miss you, i miss so many things...but i have faith in you unlike anything i can even begin to explain..something that trancends logic and feeling and becomes truth, something im entirely aware of but unable to grasp or explain..i just know. and i know you know....and thats so lovely. im ending this now..im looking foward to you package..to your writing and your adventures and your love.
kelley kristin outler
((HEY CHRISTY AND KRISTINA GET LIVEJOURNAL ACCOUNTS OR REMEMBER YOUR PASSWORDS))
Dear Christy,
so, to begin. december 8, 2004 i am sitting here eating a bean burrito from taco bell and drinking a coke through a straw. My days have consisted of school from 7 to 1:45 and work from 2 to 5:30. I like my work, or rather i like the atmosphere and the people and having money but the constant schedual wears on my nerves and i end up drained and exhaused and sometimes sick...sleep is always welcomed but never in sufficient ammounts. i spend my time with kristina mostly or course...and natalie alot for a certain amount of time and then not alot for a certain amount of time and then alot again...thats just the way it goes..and gina but not as much as i should or want to and sometimes jacoby..and lately korey jordan who is a friend worth keeping and preserving and cherishing..because you dont find those too often..and my dear cousin philip..and occasionally marty..but only occasionally..and Derek..derek derek derek when he's here or when im there. I feel...i feel...different, but not terrible, ive finally accepted that this is just how it is..that my state changed..i am no longer who i used to be and im growing accoustom to this new standard feeling and state. not to say im not the same in alot of ways..there are constant threads that i can trace back through the time of my short existance and which im sure will continue as im stitched into new patterns and phases of life. i read alot. its been my solice, i hope you enjoyed the book i gave you, that it touched you deeply. and music..music of course always. i took the SAT on saturday and am awaiting my scores...i actually feel sort of confident about it, im not worried, im not as unintelligent as i feel sometimes and standardized tests have always worked in my favor. i still feel trapped here, confined, limited...i think about you often. yesterday at school..i just felt so goddamn terrible, like i was just rotting away and dying and everything about being there made me just want to cry...so i walked out the front doors and to my car and i drove away, just like we used to do when i was a junior and you were a senior and life was more exciting and i even felt things in a deeper way...perhaps because it was the first time i experienced some of them..or in such a way...now everything is just..not as intense..more neuteral..more equalized and diluted. there is a certain freshness that i seem to have lost somewhere along the way. there will be new things to feel though, im not worried..only waiting. im going to georgia state next year..i still havent decided wheather im taking a semester off or not..i would love to..but my self discipline is not at any level to be relyed upon. im going to move to the city as soon as i can, it is not the place i plan to be for a long long time, georgia is a terrible place to reside for a lifetime...a very cowardly place to plant and flourish, there is much more out there to experience...but its time to get out of this town..all the things i wrote in the letter i gave you when you graduated apply to me now too...ive got alot to embark upon. i miss you. deep deep down i miss you, i miss so many things...but i have faith in you unlike anything i can even begin to explain..something that trancends logic and feeling and becomes truth, something im entirely aware of but unable to grasp or explain..i just know. and i know you know....and thats so lovely. im ending this now..im looking foward to you package..to your writing and your adventures and your love.
kelley kristin outler