its hard to look in the mirror these days, when every one has everything youd rather be..
i hate nights like these.
actually no...i don't, i feel like i should be doing something, like something should be occupying my time...i cant be content just by myself, thinking or reading or doing anything. i miss that.
i remember being so content with myself, secure and confident, now it seems im fighting against this stranger every time im alone. ive changed alot, along with everything else...its only recently that ive fully comprehended that..change. i dont know what to say, i feel so full and eager to write but nothing is comming out, nothing worth reading anyway...that isnt what this is for..this is for me.
ive been searching for myself alot lately, ive decided that the reason i can't find her is because she's so different and redefined...weve got to learn to keep up with the constant changes, so we can recognize ourselves more easily. i dont remember the last time i stayed home one day because i wanted to..and wasnt antsy or bored or impatient by being alone..looking for something to do, someone to keep me company and keep my mind away from myself. i need to learn to be content and comfortable with myself, because people are fleeting, relationships are built on trust and promises that we think we can keep..but dont..we arent designed to. people are terrible creatures..we are selfish and spiteful and we destroy things. but not completely, nothing is ever complete...there is always a different side and interpretation and angle...nothing i say is true for everyone and nothing is ever definate, ive said that before and will again one day. i dont think ive ever been this lonely in my life...really lonely, im not a lonely person. i just dont feel that close to anyone..i have great friends but i dont feel known, really known...understood, loved. maybe its just the time and the fading caffine thats bringing all of these dreadful feelings and heartfelt but maybe not competely true words...i dont really know the difference anymore. im sure the reason i dont feel really truely close to someone else is because im not completely sure of who i am..and how can that be shared with someone if it is not realized? i dont trust myself because i dont know myself, i dont love myself because i dont know myself, i dont understand myself because i dont know myself...therefore no one else truley can..im sure this is the underlying problem in most relationships..we dont know who the fuck we are. times like these i wished i believed in god. i do in some ways..not the christian definition though, ive given up on that..i know something greater than myself is out there in any form possible..im open to anything...i just miss having that stronghold..that constant..that unyeilding belief and comfort whenever i needed..i remember lying in bed at night and pouring out my heart in prayer..and walking alone or sitting in class or anytime i needed to...it was so comforting to know that there was someone always there who always cared who would never leave...i dont feel that anymore, i dont believe it anymore..i would like to..but you can do that half-way..its not the type of thing you can go into with a partial heart. and though i think its there sometimes, and even wish that it was, i cant believe that ignorantly without knowledge of anything else, there is always more, and i wont deny that or force myself to believe otherwise. i see things in nature and in people and hear things in music and feel things on my skin and taste things that let me know there is so much more..but so much more cannot be confined to an age old belief and understanding, it is beyond that and all things...including my mind and comprehension. it is also something that i shouldnt even be writing about because its much too large for analyzation and just leads me into further confusion and frustration. im disscussing something with somone right now and im realizing alot of things and feel better about alot of things, late nights and open people. its nice. i saw saved tonight and it was good, i enjoyed it alot. i need to remember christy and her love for every emotion..even the terrible ones even the painful ones even the lonley lonely tired and worn out ones...savor every emotion and feel alive every minute..feel human and know that with pain comes strength and wisdom..when your capacity for pain is increased your capacity for joy is increased...contentment isnt something you need..its something that comes when everything is right, we are not on a search for happiness it will come when we are true to ourselves and not filling voids with useless things..its about getting the most out of life, pushing limits, being filled with emotion, character, loving..hurting..experiencing..failing..life..life isnt one thing, life isnt just happy, life isnt just success..we cant set tracks for ourselves in order to reach those things..why would we only want those things..fufillment isnt based on success of contentment..its fufillment..being filled..being completely filled with life. there is too much to write about this and not enough night or words. there are never enough words. i guess ill stop this here. thanks to those that read this. and thanks to those who didnt care to.
i love nights like these.
actually no...i don't, i feel like i should be doing something, like something should be occupying my time...i cant be content just by myself, thinking or reading or doing anything. i miss that.
i remember being so content with myself, secure and confident, now it seems im fighting against this stranger every time im alone. ive changed alot, along with everything else...its only recently that ive fully comprehended that..change. i dont know what to say, i feel so full and eager to write but nothing is comming out, nothing worth reading anyway...that isnt what this is for..this is for me.
ive been searching for myself alot lately, ive decided that the reason i can't find her is because she's so different and redefined...weve got to learn to keep up with the constant changes, so we can recognize ourselves more easily. i dont remember the last time i stayed home one day because i wanted to..and wasnt antsy or bored or impatient by being alone..looking for something to do, someone to keep me company and keep my mind away from myself. i need to learn to be content and comfortable with myself, because people are fleeting, relationships are built on trust and promises that we think we can keep..but dont..we arent designed to. people are terrible creatures..we are selfish and spiteful and we destroy things. but not completely, nothing is ever complete...there is always a different side and interpretation and angle...nothing i say is true for everyone and nothing is ever definate, ive said that before and will again one day. i dont think ive ever been this lonely in my life...really lonely, im not a lonely person. i just dont feel that close to anyone..i have great friends but i dont feel known, really known...understood, loved. maybe its just the time and the fading caffine thats bringing all of these dreadful feelings and heartfelt but maybe not competely true words...i dont really know the difference anymore. im sure the reason i dont feel really truely close to someone else is because im not completely sure of who i am..and how can that be shared with someone if it is not realized? i dont trust myself because i dont know myself, i dont love myself because i dont know myself, i dont understand myself because i dont know myself...therefore no one else truley can..im sure this is the underlying problem in most relationships..we dont know who the fuck we are. times like these i wished i believed in god. i do in some ways..not the christian definition though, ive given up on that..i know something greater than myself is out there in any form possible..im open to anything...i just miss having that stronghold..that constant..that unyeilding belief and comfort whenever i needed..i remember lying in bed at night and pouring out my heart in prayer..and walking alone or sitting in class or anytime i needed to...it was so comforting to know that there was someone always there who always cared who would never leave...i dont feel that anymore, i dont believe it anymore..i would like to..but you can do that half-way..its not the type of thing you can go into with a partial heart. and though i think its there sometimes, and even wish that it was, i cant believe that ignorantly without knowledge of anything else, there is always more, and i wont deny that or force myself to believe otherwise. i see things in nature and in people and hear things in music and feel things on my skin and taste things that let me know there is so much more..but so much more cannot be confined to an age old belief and understanding, it is beyond that and all things...including my mind and comprehension. it is also something that i shouldnt even be writing about because its much too large for analyzation and just leads me into further confusion and frustration. im disscussing something with somone right now and im realizing alot of things and feel better about alot of things, late nights and open people. its nice. i saw saved tonight and it was good, i enjoyed it alot. i need to remember christy and her love for every emotion..even the terrible ones even the painful ones even the lonley lonely tired and worn out ones...savor every emotion and feel alive every minute..feel human and know that with pain comes strength and wisdom..when your capacity for pain is increased your capacity for joy is increased...contentment isnt something you need..its something that comes when everything is right, we are not on a search for happiness it will come when we are true to ourselves and not filling voids with useless things..its about getting the most out of life, pushing limits, being filled with emotion, character, loving..hurting..experiencing..failing..life..life isnt one thing, life isnt just happy, life isnt just success..we cant set tracks for ourselves in order to reach those things..why would we only want those things..fufillment isnt based on success of contentment..its fufillment..being filled..being completely filled with life. there is too much to write about this and not enough night or words. there are never enough words. i guess ill stop this here. thanks to those that read this. and thanks to those who didnt care to.
i love nights like these.