..this is taking my time;;it's killing my mind..
~i feel as though i'm backsliding.. everytime i feel like i'm ok, and that things are going to get better, something else happens.. something else reawakens the truth in me.. i wake up from terrible nightmares and i feel shakey and disoriented.. or i wake from beautiful dreams and feel just as lost as if it'd been the other.. memories flood my mind at all times.. i see things every moment of the day.. i can't stop them, i can't control them.. sometimes they make me smile.. other times they bring on this deep ache that i can't fight off to save my life.. some from years far gone.. others from only moments just passed.. it doesn't matter.. but it all hits the same chord.. sometimes i see the things i love and hate the most.. and that is just incomprehensible.. i can't stand this falling back feeling.. i just want to be strong again.. i want to see what i saw, i want to feel what i felt, i want to know what i knew.. and it's hard.. i can't do this kind of thing alone.. not THIS.. i want to make someone understand.. i want someone to really SEE.. but i don't know if that's possible.. people don't really understand other people.. it's not in our genetic make up.. it's not how we're supposed to do things.. we can try, and we will.. but never, ever will we ever really get that other persons feelings.. it's not allowed.. it's just not right..
~i wish someone could.. i seriously wish i could put my mind into someone else's head for a few minutes.. that's all it would take.. just a few moments.. but alas, that'll never be and so i will have to just continue to try to explain it all and hope someone at least SORT OF gets it.. ::sigh::
~i see a thing in my future that i'm scared of.. i imagine things that touch my heart.. but i don't know if i'll ever get there.. ya know? it's hard to know.. you just have to have faith, believe in something.. right now, that's my problem.. i believe in practically nothing.. i have faith in something higher, but that's about all.. besides that i have no belief in anything in front of me.. none of it makes sense.. i have lost my faith in one of the strongest things to ever touch mankind.. that is going to be a very hard thing to get back.. i don't know for sure that i will..
~i make no sense.. i know this.. i'm sure you'll read this and have question marks in your eyes and wonder exactly what i'm meaning and maybe think you know, but you'll probably be wrong.. cause that's just how it works.. no one will ever get what i'm saying.. they won't see.. they can't.. they weren't there.. but Lord, i do wish at times, that you all were.. it'd be so much easier for us all..
"..you were needing a love like me.."
"..that's why i'm wondering why you had to tell me what's going on in your head, what's wrong.. come around to another time when you don't have to run.. and when she says she wants somebody else, hope you know she doesn't mean you and when she breaks down and makes a sound you'll never hear her the way that i do.."
"..i know she needs me.. about as much as i need someone else, which i don't.. and if need be.. i swear someday i'll up and leave myself, which i won't.."
"..tell me where i begin.. you can't deny what's already been.. oh i won't break but i can bend.. shaping the skies that i can mend.. feel your fingers around my throat.. there's nothing but bones beneath my skin.. somebody break my fall, i'm slipping down all over again.. i'd do it all over, taking my own sweet time.. i may make it slower, but i'm taking my own sweet time.."
~i wish someone could.. i seriously wish i could put my mind into someone else's head for a few minutes.. that's all it would take.. just a few moments.. but alas, that'll never be and so i will have to just continue to try to explain it all and hope someone at least SORT OF gets it.. ::sigh::
~i see a thing in my future that i'm scared of.. i imagine things that touch my heart.. but i don't know if i'll ever get there.. ya know? it's hard to know.. you just have to have faith, believe in something.. right now, that's my problem.. i believe in practically nothing.. i have faith in something higher, but that's about all.. besides that i have no belief in anything in front of me.. none of it makes sense.. i have lost my faith in one of the strongest things to ever touch mankind.. that is going to be a very hard thing to get back.. i don't know for sure that i will..
~i make no sense.. i know this.. i'm sure you'll read this and have question marks in your eyes and wonder exactly what i'm meaning and maybe think you know, but you'll probably be wrong.. cause that's just how it works.. no one will ever get what i'm saying.. they won't see.. they can't.. they weren't there.. but Lord, i do wish at times, that you all were.. it'd be so much easier for us all..
"..you were needing a love like me.."
"..that's why i'm wondering why you had to tell me what's going on in your head, what's wrong.. come around to another time when you don't have to run.. and when she says she wants somebody else, hope you know she doesn't mean you and when she breaks down and makes a sound you'll never hear her the way that i do.."
"..i know she needs me.. about as much as i need someone else, which i don't.. and if need be.. i swear someday i'll up and leave myself, which i won't.."
"..tell me where i begin.. you can't deny what's already been.. oh i won't break but i can bend.. shaping the skies that i can mend.. feel your fingers around my throat.. there's nothing but bones beneath my skin.. somebody break my fall, i'm slipping down all over again.. i'd do it all over, taking my own sweet time.. i may make it slower, but i'm taking my own sweet time.."