Thanks
Private
I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. My mind keeps jumping from one issue to the next. I'm hoping that I can organize my thoughts by writing them down.
Draco Malfoy came over yesterday afternoon with some potions for my cold. They worked brilliantly, I don't even have a hint of what I was feeling yesterday left. We were talking and everything was fine. I'm a stubborn Gryffindor who doesn't make any sense, Tracey Davis is having a masquerade party that is going to be... very interesting. Normal discussion for Draco and I, but of course when Draco and I get to talking it always leads to talk of Lucius Malfoy. Three Death Eaters escaped from Azkaban, he's building another army and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it, killing Lucius would only lead to someone else taking his place. Someone else's father. And that is where the other problem exists. No one cared about Voldemort, not as a person anyway. He was no one's friend, as far as I know all his relatives were dead, and I have the suspicion that he was just power-hungry and used the 'blood' issue as a way to get people onto his side. Lucius seems to really, truly believe what he says. That's makes him seem more human somehow, that and he's Draco's father.
I'm not sure yet whether that makes him more or less dangerous than Voldemort was.
We talked about how time is running out, we need to stop the war before it starts. I told Draco how I thought this was all going to end, with him being the hero. Saving the day. I gave him an idea of what it was like to be the saviour of the Wizarding world, how no one ever lets you blend in or ignore anything, looking back I admit it was probably a foolish thing to say. But it lead to Draco revealing his fears and concerns... Merlin I've never seen anyone in so much... I don't know, pain, confusion, self-loathing, uncertainty. It came out of nowhere and I get the impression he had been keeping it all in for a while. It crashed down on me so fast at the time, I never expected him to ever open up to me like he did last night. He told me that I only know half of him, that the other half was for Lucius, it was evil and it was who he was. It seemed like he was seriously trying to convince me that he was something bad, that I shouldn't trust him, or try to help him. Like he didn't deserve it.
And then he cried.
And I... gave up on words and I went over and hugged him. God I don't even know what I was thinking, it feels like it was all a dream, it went by so fast, yet at the time it was like slow motion. Anyway, I hugged him and I just wanted to make him feel better for a fraction of a second, like he wasn't alone. He was so raw. It was like the only way to prove to him that I was even there was to touch him. He responded entirely and then the next thing I knew we were kissing. It was... just... brilliantly tainted. I don't even know how long it lasted, there was... fabric, and skin and it was all the same thing, it all felt connected. This urgent pulling that was both painful and incredibly satisfying and I just kept taking until I got to parts that were too heavy to lift on my own. I asked him if we were going to do... ugh I can't even write it. I asked him if were going to have sex, in less words and he pulled away from me again.
It hurt. And it surprised me. He said that if we were going to continue I would have to accept who he was... he told me a story about him making two men, Death Eaters, cut off their own legs to save their lives. Told me he liked it, and I realized I couldn't go through with it. Not because of what he did, although I know I'll have to deal with that sooner of later. I told him again that he wasn't going to change my opinion of him, and I gave him the choice. Just like I had every time before, I gave him a decision, but he refused to choose. It seems the only time he'll let me help is when I do it without asking, when we were kissing and I just kept taking, it was all working until I gave him the choice to keep going or stop. The better I get to know Draco the more confusing he becomes to me, I think it's the same for him.
In the end we just sat on my living room floor with our clothes all rumpled. He said the only thing he wanted was to know he wouldn't have to kill his own father. I couldn't say anything to that, I couldn't promise him he wouldn't have to do it, and I couldn't reassure him by saying I would do it if it came to that. Even though I know I will, if it comes to that. Apologies were made, tears were shed and Draco left me alone to my own thoughts. I feel so numb right now and I'm reading through this as if it were a story that happened to someone else. At least now I have a decent idea of what exactly happened last night. I'm still confused about how I feel about it. I think I just need to be alone now, figure out how I'm going to react next time I see him. Like nothing ever happened? I don't think I like that, but it seems to be the only option.
End Private
Thanks for the potions Draco, I feel much better.
I have no idea what I'm feeling right now. My mind keeps jumping from one issue to the next. I'm hoping that I can organize my thoughts by writing them down.
Draco Malfoy came over yesterday afternoon with some potions for my cold. They worked brilliantly, I don't even have a hint of what I was feeling yesterday left. We were talking and everything was fine. I'm a stubborn Gryffindor who doesn't make any sense, Tracey Davis is having a masquerade party that is going to be... very interesting. Normal discussion for Draco and I, but of course when Draco and I get to talking it always leads to talk of Lucius Malfoy. Three Death Eaters escaped from Azkaban, he's building another army and there is not a fucking thing I can do about it, killing Lucius would only lead to someone else taking his place. Someone else's father. And that is where the other problem exists. No one cared about Voldemort, not as a person anyway. He was no one's friend, as far as I know all his relatives were dead, and I have the suspicion that he was just power-hungry and used the 'blood' issue as a way to get people onto his side. Lucius seems to really, truly believe what he says. That's makes him seem more human somehow, that and he's Draco's father.
I'm not sure yet whether that makes him more or less dangerous than Voldemort was.
We talked about how time is running out, we need to stop the war before it starts. I told Draco how I thought this was all going to end, with him being the hero. Saving the day. I gave him an idea of what it was like to be the saviour of the Wizarding world, how no one ever lets you blend in or ignore anything, looking back I admit it was probably a foolish thing to say. But it lead to Draco revealing his fears and concerns... Merlin I've never seen anyone in so much... I don't know, pain, confusion, self-loathing, uncertainty. It came out of nowhere and I get the impression he had been keeping it all in for a while. It crashed down on me so fast at the time, I never expected him to ever open up to me like he did last night. He told me that I only know half of him, that the other half was for Lucius, it was evil and it was who he was. It seemed like he was seriously trying to convince me that he was something bad, that I shouldn't trust him, or try to help him. Like he didn't deserve it.
And then he cried.
And I... gave up on words and I went over and hugged him. God I don't even know what I was thinking, it feels like it was all a dream, it went by so fast, yet at the time it was like slow motion. Anyway, I hugged him and I just wanted to make him feel better for a fraction of a second, like he wasn't alone. He was so raw. It was like the only way to prove to him that I was even there was to touch him. He responded entirely and then the next thing I knew we were kissing. It was... just... brilliantly tainted. I don't even know how long it lasted, there was... fabric, and skin and it was all the same thing, it all felt connected. This urgent pulling that was both painful and incredibly satisfying and I just kept taking until I got to parts that were too heavy to lift on my own. I asked him if we were going to do... ugh I can't even write it. I asked him if were going to have sex, in less words and he pulled away from me again.
It hurt. And it surprised me. He said that if we were going to continue I would have to accept who he was... he told me a story about him making two men, Death Eaters, cut off their own legs to save their lives. Told me he liked it, and I realized I couldn't go through with it. Not because of what he did, although I know I'll have to deal with that sooner of later. I told him again that he wasn't going to change my opinion of him, and I gave him the choice. Just like I had every time before, I gave him a decision, but he refused to choose. It seems the only time he'll let me help is when I do it without asking, when we were kissing and I just kept taking, it was all working until I gave him the choice to keep going or stop. The better I get to know Draco the more confusing he becomes to me, I think it's the same for him.
In the end we just sat on my living room floor with our clothes all rumpled. He said the only thing he wanted was to know he wouldn't have to kill his own father. I couldn't say anything to that, I couldn't promise him he wouldn't have to do it, and I couldn't reassure him by saying I would do it if it came to that. Even though I know I will, if it comes to that. Apologies were made, tears were shed and Draco left me alone to my own thoughts. I feel so numb right now and I'm reading through this as if it were a story that happened to someone else. At least now I have a decent idea of what exactly happened last night. I'm still confused about how I feel about it. I think I just need to be alone now, figure out how I'm going to react next time I see him. Like nothing ever happened? I don't think I like that, but it seems to be the only option.
End Private
Thanks for the potions Draco, I feel much better.