being promoted to Momma of an Angel....
ok so im not exactly sure why im writing this and please excuse all the grammatical errors im sure are going to follow but I guess I just needed a way to release some pain and frustration so this is how im gonna try and do it. I have no clue how to start this so ill just start from the moment I found out I was a real mother. hold on im at work and people need to be checked in
ok sorry im back lol...the joys of working in a tourist town...
ok so here goes nothing... I was diagnosed with something called PCOS in October of this year and told that the possibility of kids was going to be a VERY hard task to say the least and may even be impossible. I was heartbroken but with the help of my boyfriend we were going to work through it and we were going to look into infertility clinics when the time was right for us to bring a child into the world. we had a plan, a solid plan that was linked so closely with my future happiness and peace within myself that one day I would bear my own children one way or another...well fast forward to November 11th which as far as I knew at the time had started out like any other day I had just started a new job a few days before hand and was really ready to get my day started until I went to the bathroom to discover what ever woman hates with a passion (that horrible red aunt that shows up just to remind you your not preggo) so I dealt with the issue like any woman would... I went to the store bought a pack of cigs, tampons, and ice cream and headed to work not thinking anything more about it. UNTIL I went to the bathroom at work and realized I was bleeding a lot like ALOT ALOT and I was passing blood cots the size of a baseball. I was scared but being a PCOS patient I knew sometimes periods are just that bad so I went on about my day at my new job hiding the immense pain and contraction feeling as well as hiding my frequent bathroom breaks which in the end would total 8 tampons in 3 hours and a ruined pair of pants that I had to throw away in the end. finally I realized something was actually really wrong so I called my boyfriend and he came and picked me up from work and took me to the ER where I kept getting asked if I was pregnant (granted by that point I had no clue that I was so I kept telling them i had PCOS and cant bear children yet) well I got back into a room and got put on all kinds of monitors and they do blood and urine tests and then im left to wait covered in blood and in screaming pain for almost an hour until my doctor comes in and asks AGAIN if I am pregnant I tell him as far as I know I am not I have been told I cant have kids and he just looks at me in disbelief and says well it looks like you can because your pregnant... I apparently went into a sort of catatonic shock that my boyfriend had to physically shake me out of and then I slowly composed myself and asked if there is any way it could be wrong and they said its very unlikely and then said they wanted to do some tests and an ultrasound as well I agreed to it obviously by that point instant mommy brain kicked in and I wanted nothing more than to make sure my child was ok I didn't care if I was bleeding out as long as my child was ok. they took us for ultrasound and then brought me back and i made some phone calls to my mom and best friend and waited. it felt like forever before they came in and told me they needed to do a pelvic exam and as im laying on the table with a doctor in between my shaking legs he decides to tell me my child is gone that i was 6 weeks along and the baby had passed... he then has to use forceps to help "deliver some more of the fetus" as the doctor put it. in that moment my heart was ripped out, it was a feeling i never wish on anyone to knowingly hold your stomach even when there is no reason to anymore. loosing a child isn't just physical pain or trying to find a new normal loosing a child is running past the baby section before you break down in a crowded walmart full of people who have no idea why the crazy lady wont go near the baby section, loosing a child is holding you friends baby and wishing more than anything you could be feeling a child kick inside of you right now, its getting home after a long day of pretending your not lost in an abyss and falling into your significant others arms and bawling till you fall asleep, its staring at a pregnancy test and hospital band because its all you have of your Angel child. but most of all its trying so hard to be happy for people who are starting or expanding their families because its obviously not their fault your body is stupid and insignificant so you smile and congratulate them and wish them the best and offer to babysit anytime when inside your heart is being kicked down into a shredder and the pieces are then being burned but you continue to smile because you have a reason to... through the pain and loss and not understanding any of it you must realize i am a mom now and i am a mom to the best child in the world.. they were so great that God needed them to help him in heaven...you stay strong for your child that you have lost and you stay strong because its all you can do anymore...
ok sorry im back lol...the joys of working in a tourist town...
ok so here goes nothing... I was diagnosed with something called PCOS in October of this year and told that the possibility of kids was going to be a VERY hard task to say the least and may even be impossible. I was heartbroken but with the help of my boyfriend we were going to work through it and we were going to look into infertility clinics when the time was right for us to bring a child into the world. we had a plan, a solid plan that was linked so closely with my future happiness and peace within myself that one day I would bear my own children one way or another...well fast forward to November 11th which as far as I knew at the time had started out like any other day I had just started a new job a few days before hand and was really ready to get my day started until I went to the bathroom to discover what ever woman hates with a passion (that horrible red aunt that shows up just to remind you your not preggo) so I dealt with the issue like any woman would... I went to the store bought a pack of cigs, tampons, and ice cream and headed to work not thinking anything more about it. UNTIL I went to the bathroom at work and realized I was bleeding a lot like ALOT ALOT and I was passing blood cots the size of a baseball. I was scared but being a PCOS patient I knew sometimes periods are just that bad so I went on about my day at my new job hiding the immense pain and contraction feeling as well as hiding my frequent bathroom breaks which in the end would total 8 tampons in 3 hours and a ruined pair of pants that I had to throw away in the end. finally I realized something was actually really wrong so I called my boyfriend and he came and picked me up from work and took me to the ER where I kept getting asked if I was pregnant (granted by that point I had no clue that I was so I kept telling them i had PCOS and cant bear children yet) well I got back into a room and got put on all kinds of monitors and they do blood and urine tests and then im left to wait covered in blood and in screaming pain for almost an hour until my doctor comes in and asks AGAIN if I am pregnant I tell him as far as I know I am not I have been told I cant have kids and he just looks at me in disbelief and says well it looks like you can because your pregnant... I apparently went into a sort of catatonic shock that my boyfriend had to physically shake me out of and then I slowly composed myself and asked if there is any way it could be wrong and they said its very unlikely and then said they wanted to do some tests and an ultrasound as well I agreed to it obviously by that point instant mommy brain kicked in and I wanted nothing more than to make sure my child was ok I didn't care if I was bleeding out as long as my child was ok. they took us for ultrasound and then brought me back and i made some phone calls to my mom and best friend and waited. it felt like forever before they came in and told me they needed to do a pelvic exam and as im laying on the table with a doctor in between my shaking legs he decides to tell me my child is gone that i was 6 weeks along and the baby had passed... he then has to use forceps to help "deliver some more of the fetus" as the doctor put it. in that moment my heart was ripped out, it was a feeling i never wish on anyone to knowingly hold your stomach even when there is no reason to anymore. loosing a child isn't just physical pain or trying to find a new normal loosing a child is running past the baby section before you break down in a crowded walmart full of people who have no idea why the crazy lady wont go near the baby section, loosing a child is holding you friends baby and wishing more than anything you could be feeling a child kick inside of you right now, its getting home after a long day of pretending your not lost in an abyss and falling into your significant others arms and bawling till you fall asleep, its staring at a pregnancy test and hospital band because its all you have of your Angel child. but most of all its trying so hard to be happy for people who are starting or expanding their families because its obviously not their fault your body is stupid and insignificant so you smile and congratulate them and wish them the best and offer to babysit anytime when inside your heart is being kicked down into a shredder and the pieces are then being burned but you continue to smile because you have a reason to... through the pain and loss and not understanding any of it you must realize i am a mom now and i am a mom to the best child in the world.. they were so great that God needed them to help him in heaven...you stay strong for your child that you have lost and you stay strong because its all you can do anymore...