Oh alyss it doesn't matter what you say...
I think to myself, how much I wish I could have it back. What did I do so wrong to have him hate me the way he does, and me hate him the way I do? We did nothing to eachother but be with eachother to some extent, hurt eachother to where it hurt to return to go back to the 'old' us. Why come back to me the way you do, but then continue to fuck me over again and again. I know you love me boy, and I'am something special. You cant deny it, no matter how much you want to tell yourself Im not. I don't know, I analyze things a lot. I think a lot about the present and furtue, and the past. How we used to be. Thats what I want. I want to feel for someone so much, that I go home and just expect and wait for there calls, even if its not to talk, you just call to tell me hi, and you miss me. I miss, I miss you's. I miss hearing from people, 'oh he does love you. no one really understands all what we had. Everyone just see's the outter mold of a relationship exploited and destructed. I don't know If we were meant to be. Meant to be anything. Meant to last. Meant to fade away. But I always say If you love something let it go, and if it comes back you will know. How many times have you come back? Thats how I know... We're meant to be something. I just don't think We will ever work out.
--now that thats off my chest--
I have nothing I want in life right now. I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I don't have the boy I want, or boys, I want.. god who knows what I want. I'am so unhealthy, I'am scared to go to the doctor, because Im scared to find out news that somethings wrong with me. I don't have good feelings about my health, and I don't eat well, or work out. I have to do things for myself. I drink almost every day of my life. I do other things occasinlly too. It needs to stop. and I'am going to stop. for myself.
Im going out next week to try and find a full time job. I need it. I need money very badly also. My mommys going to new york again this weekend. I hope she has fun, and I'll miss her. I miss her everyday.
I want so much out of life, and I feel like Im going to end up with the shitty's life ever. I can never be happy, and when I'am, my happiness fades. Everyone takes what they have from me. I give my heart out to so many people for them to break it. Im not going to have any emotion left, and Im scared of that. I feel alone right now. Though I know I'am not. But I really am. I can't trust anyone for the life of me. Recently a friend screwed me over. again. I don't trust that certain friend. and I never have. and I won't ever. Though I'll continue being there friend.. They don't mean much to me. I could care less if they were in my life tomorrow. I use them for comfort when I have no one else. yea. I use them.
I want a lot right now. I want my life to fall into place, and Im hoping it falls into a place where Im content soon, because otherwise If it doesn't.. I will go crazy.. I need something new.
--now that thats off my chest--
I have nothing I want in life right now. I don't have a car, I don't have a job, I don't have the boy I want, or boys, I want.. god who knows what I want. I'am so unhealthy, I'am scared to go to the doctor, because Im scared to find out news that somethings wrong with me. I don't have good feelings about my health, and I don't eat well, or work out. I have to do things for myself. I drink almost every day of my life. I do other things occasinlly too. It needs to stop. and I'am going to stop. for myself.
Im going out next week to try and find a full time job. I need it. I need money very badly also. My mommys going to new york again this weekend. I hope she has fun, and I'll miss her. I miss her everyday.
I want so much out of life, and I feel like Im going to end up with the shitty's life ever. I can never be happy, and when I'am, my happiness fades. Everyone takes what they have from me. I give my heart out to so many people for them to break it. Im not going to have any emotion left, and Im scared of that. I feel alone right now. Though I know I'am not. But I really am. I can't trust anyone for the life of me. Recently a friend screwed me over. again. I don't trust that certain friend. and I never have. and I won't ever. Though I'll continue being there friend.. They don't mean much to me. I could care less if they were in my life tomorrow. I use them for comfort when I have no one else. yea. I use them.
I want a lot right now. I want my life to fall into place, and Im hoping it falls into a place where Im content soon, because otherwise If it doesn't.. I will go crazy.. I need something new.