And They Come, Regardless of My Will
Fuck, I really don't know what to say. I don't feel well. My father texted me yesterday, the first communication we've had in weeks, telling me he was alone and broke and feeling terrible. Then he turned the texts against my mother. Today I responded, letting him know how much I care for him and that he shouldn't despair. He replied normally, at first, then directed the conversation against my mother again. So I put him in his place. I told him, verbatim, "I know this will sound harsh, but no one forced you to marry her and no one forced you to be a dick to her. You were terrible to her and I was there for it. I heard you say things that made me want to punch you. Your current situation is of your own design. I'm sorry."
It's been an hour since I sent that and he hasn't responded. Could he be planning another suicide attempt? That's a goddamn horrible thing to have to wonder. I'm so... fuck, I shouldn't have to wonder that.
When my mother came home tonight I hugged her for the first time in a year or more. I hugged her for as long as I could. I held her for so long that she knew something was wrong. I thanked her for being a strong parent. She was a bit bewildered but happy. I had to retreat as soon as the embrace had ended because I honestly felt I would break down and cry. I have no shame left, in this regard. I wanted to cry while hugging my mother.
God. Look at me. So irreverent of life, so ironic, so fucking acting like I know what's what.
And a hug from my mother makes me to take myself out.
Ha ha, shit. I'm tearing up as I write this. Where's my self-confidence now? Where?