Hmm
Had an odd dream. Something ripped me from wherever I was and dropped me into my own past, but a past I didn't remember. Apparently it was the exact moment I had decided to walk out on a woman and our two very young children. I watched myself sneak out the front door, throw his bags into a taxi, and just leave. I stood on the tiny lawn and watched the car turn the corner with my only lead as to what the hell was happening. The woman came outside and asked me what I was doing. I turned around. She was beautiful. The little boy she was holding was smiling at me. My daughter was climbing down the small stone steps that lead to the front walkway so she could hobble over to me for a hug. I realized she must have just recently become mobile. When she reached out to me, I noticed I was wearing the same clothes as him.
I spent the next couple of days helping raise these two children, meeting neighbors and other people I'd apparently known for more than a year... the little girl was so adorable. Her eyes were bright emerald, she was quiet and observant, she loved me. But her mother annoyed me. I could clearly see how I had fallen for her in the first place, but equally clear were the things that would drive us apart, even with this fresh start. Further days came and left and every time I had a moment to myself, I would stare at nothing and contemplate running.
One day I spent half an hour looking at the front door when I was confronted by someone, though I'm not sure who. They kept shifting personas. At some points he was me, at others she was her. When she was her, it was her ten years from then. Morose, angry, still raising my children without me. The conversation went something like:
"You can't run again."
"I didn't run the first time!"
"You did, though."
"But I can't remember... I can't remember any of this. I didn't make these choices; this isn't my fault."
"Explain that to your children."
"They're not mine!"
"They've got your DNA and they love you. What the hell else do you want? As far as they're concerned, if you leave right now their father leaves with you."
"So I'm to stay here for the rest of my life?! Pay for mistakes I don't remember making?! What about my plans? I still have things I want to do..."
"You'll deny them a father for those things?"
"This shouldn't be up to me! I didn't walk this path, goddamnit!"
"Leave again and their father leaves with you."
"This is his fault!"
"Leave again and their father leaves with you."
I gripped my head in my hands, too tightly. Then I left. I couldn't sacrifice everything for these people I couldn't remember. As soon as I was out of the neighborhood, the guilt overcame me and I began to cry for the little boy and girl. Then I woke.
I spent the next couple of days helping raise these two children, meeting neighbors and other people I'd apparently known for more than a year... the little girl was so adorable. Her eyes were bright emerald, she was quiet and observant, she loved me. But her mother annoyed me. I could clearly see how I had fallen for her in the first place, but equally clear were the things that would drive us apart, even with this fresh start. Further days came and left and every time I had a moment to myself, I would stare at nothing and contemplate running.
One day I spent half an hour looking at the front door when I was confronted by someone, though I'm not sure who. They kept shifting personas. At some points he was me, at others she was her. When she was her, it was her ten years from then. Morose, angry, still raising my children without me. The conversation went something like:
"You can't run again."
"I didn't run the first time!"
"You did, though."
"But I can't remember... I can't remember any of this. I didn't make these choices; this isn't my fault."
"Explain that to your children."
"They're not mine!"
"They've got your DNA and they love you. What the hell else do you want? As far as they're concerned, if you leave right now their father leaves with you."
"So I'm to stay here for the rest of my life?! Pay for mistakes I don't remember making?! What about my plans? I still have things I want to do..."
"You'll deny them a father for those things?"
"This shouldn't be up to me! I didn't walk this path, goddamnit!"
"Leave again and their father leaves with you."
"This is his fault!"
"Leave again and their father leaves with you."
I gripped my head in my hands, too tightly. Then I left. I couldn't sacrifice everything for these people I couldn't remember. As soon as I was out of the neighborhood, the guilt overcame me and I began to cry for the little boy and girl. Then I woke.