Night Pages
I mentioned my state of hibernation here, outside of Chicago at my friend Adam’s place. It’s a comfortable, low key quasi-lifestyle that has me leaving the house twice a week at most. He’s away all day at work, allotting me the hours of solitude that I require, and when he gets back in the evening, we eat dinner, play cards, and have a few drinks. It’s simple & social, not sexual, another necessity for me. Keep friendship out of the bedroom, as they say. Or, at the very least, it deserves to be said. It’s a fine existence but for one thing - I am doing little more than watching the days pass. I leave on Monday, for better or worse, and perhaps I’ll be a bit more of a person when I travel to Asheville, Key West, & New York City in the coming days and weeks. I need to shed this reclusive attitude, this shell, before summer… well, some of it, anyway.
So, one notices things, otherwise very small, mundane life details - the minutia that could easily go unnoticed - when one spends a good portion of time alone in his own head. Adam, for instance. Outward appearances are good. He’s an early 30’s attractive guy with a good job and a great group of friends. Everything is practically picture perfect. It’s like driving by a very nice house.
And he’s miserable. And he’s dying to get out of here.
At times, I hear him up by 7am. I am not fully, if even at all, awake by then, and am an unabashed hater of the mornings. Sometimes it’s the waft of coffee traveling downstairs that is my first hint of a new day. Then, he typically does not return until 7pm or later. I mean, that’s a lot of the clock committed to work. Half of the day, and then add sleep. Where is the time to…
Fill in the blank. Are we living to work or working to live? It looks to be a finer line than I had once thought. And don’t misunderstand, I know that a lot of people are in this boat. Most, really. But where is the time to go out of town, to meet a friend for lunch, to sit and read by the lake? To see, to date, to fuck… whatever one might desire. My observation, however, is only this: I’m the only one that knows this about him, and only because I’ve been staying here for a bit. He puts on a pretty good show of happiness.
So, take chances, or even just one. Give your furniture away and move tomorrow. Pick a town and don’t tell anyone. Hey, settle down in your hometown and marry your high school sweetheart if that’s what is important to you. Do anything to make yourself happier. It’s not easy, but that is perhaps outweighed by what is essential.
So, one notices things, otherwise very small, mundane life details - the minutia that could easily go unnoticed - when one spends a good portion of time alone in his own head. Adam, for instance. Outward appearances are good. He’s an early 30’s attractive guy with a good job and a great group of friends. Everything is practically picture perfect. It’s like driving by a very nice house.
And he’s miserable. And he’s dying to get out of here.
At times, I hear him up by 7am. I am not fully, if even at all, awake by then, and am an unabashed hater of the mornings. Sometimes it’s the waft of coffee traveling downstairs that is my first hint of a new day. Then, he typically does not return until 7pm or later. I mean, that’s a lot of the clock committed to work. Half of the day, and then add sleep. Where is the time to…
Fill in the blank. Are we living to work or working to live? It looks to be a finer line than I had once thought. And don’t misunderstand, I know that a lot of people are in this boat. Most, really. But where is the time to go out of town, to meet a friend for lunch, to sit and read by the lake? To see, to date, to fuck… whatever one might desire. My observation, however, is only this: I’m the only one that knows this about him, and only because I’ve been staying here for a bit. He puts on a pretty good show of happiness.
So, take chances, or even just one. Give your furniture away and move tomorrow. Pick a town and don’t tell anyone. Hey, settle down in your hometown and marry your high school sweetheart if that’s what is important to you. Do anything to make yourself happier. It’s not easy, but that is perhaps outweighed by what is essential.