Forward through It
With the occasional ice rattling in my drink & dim lamp lighting in the main room of the upper level, I continued in what had become an invigorated read of Paul Russell’s newest, The Unreal Life of Sergey Nabokov. I believe it’s due out on 11/15, however a friend had lent me an advanced readers copy. This [time] - whether it be the reading, the time to compose, whatever - [time] had emerged as the main issue between Ben & I. The reason he is now absent.
I had flown home those weeks ago, now three - though this is not properly home, but only where I had grown up - for some solace. I retreat here often, more often in past years. I retreat here only because I can. Still, one day simply leads to another, without any direction towards [next]. I wake in the early morning, at times - before my mother begins the coffee, for I need not be judged - to fashion myself a screwdriver - people, after all, do drink juice in the mornings - to cease my nerves from shredding, wean myself back to sleep, continue to write, whatever the mind might call for.
I am struck by - and why should I be (?), I am the one who put an end to this, after all - how those fifteen months decayed into the mere rubble of lost time. In the weeks since my hometown arrival, though I am not certain why, as this is not my residence, I have been on several dates with several men - all but one being truncated at one meeting.
We’ll just have to see.
I had flown home those weeks ago, now three - though this is not properly home, but only where I had grown up - for some solace. I retreat here often, more often in past years. I retreat here only because I can. Still, one day simply leads to another, without any direction towards [next]. I wake in the early morning, at times - before my mother begins the coffee, for I need not be judged - to fashion myself a screwdriver - people, after all, do drink juice in the mornings - to cease my nerves from shredding, wean myself back to sleep, continue to write, whatever the mind might call for.
I am struck by - and why should I be (?), I am the one who put an end to this, after all - how those fifteen months decayed into the mere rubble of lost time. In the weeks since my hometown arrival, though I am not certain why, as this is not my residence, I have been on several dates with several men - all but one being truncated at one meeting.
We’ll just have to see.